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The gym — Ted is commenting on all the guys at the gym who have had work done. He figures he's spent over two thousand hours in the gym, and since that hasn't paid off, he might as well get "a little snip and clip" instead. Will this involve clipping your tongue so you don't whine as much?

Emmett shows up, in a tizzy. He reveals that his segment has been cancelled and that the stuffed shirts at the TV station thought he wasn't "queer enough." But Ted and Justin tell him he did seem a little "reserved."

Emmett: "I figured if I was too flamboyant, I might turn people off."
Brian: "Instead, they turned you off. I believe there's a profound life lesson in this."
Ted: "They hired you because they didn't want some stiff straight guy who looks like he has a poker up his ass."
Brian: "They wanted some gay guy who looked like he had a fist up his ass."
Ted: "They wanted you. Emmett Honeycutt."
Brian: "Queerest, nelly-est, ho-ho-homo in the ho-ho-whole wide world."

Woody's — Michael is moping. Brian shows up, teasing Michael and Ben about frequenting such "dubious establishments" now that they've settled into domestic bliss. Michael tells Brian to fuck off; he's figured out that Brian is paying for Lindsay's lawyer. Ben says it's none of their business what Brian does with his money, but Michael is in full poopyhead mode and disagrees.

Michael: "Thanks to your unbiased generosity, we're now splitting Jenny Rebecca three ways."
Brian: "Oh, these gays having kids. I ask you, what's the world coming to?"

But then Brian gets serious and says that as Jenny Rebecca's parent, Lindsay has as much right to share custody as Michael and Mel do. After Brian leaves, Michael tells Ben that sometimes he doesn't know who the fuck Brian is anymore. That's not Brian's fault, Michael: he only lost a testicle, whereas you seem to have lost an entire frontal lobe.

Spreading the news — For what is supposed to be his final TV segment, Emmett finally lets his freak flag fly. He does a little impromptu makeover of a random member of the crew, and I guess it's supposed to be fabulous. Truth be told, he's still not quite as sparkly as we all know he can be — I'm not so sure about this whole storyline.

Mel's house — Lindsay has brought Gus over. Melanie says "hey, look who's here!" — probably because she has forgotten his name again. I have no desire to have kids, but I'm about ready to adopt Gus: if I paid him two minutes of attention per day, it'd probably still be twice as much as he's getting now.

Melanie offers Gus a big plate of brownies. Lindsay complains — she's the one who will have to scrape him off the ceiling at 2 in the morning. They continue to bicker, not about sweet treats but about the very sour custody battle.

Melanie: "You surprised me. I had no idea you were such a killer."
Lindsay: "I learned from the master."

Lindsay walks out, slamming the door, and Mel looks kinda hurt. I'm going to make you both some very special brownies so you can simmer the hell down, shut the hell up, and get the hell busy.

Bye-bye Liberty Diner, hello liberty — Deb is in the back, trying to pack up her stuff and go, but Loretta interrupts her departure and tells her there's a disaster at table three. Yeah, what's really waiting for Deb is a farewell party. They all sing "For she's a jolly good homo."

Deb: "I don't know what to say. Except now I know why we don't have a gay men's chorus."

Aw, Deb. Don't leave the diner: I'll get too bored. Deb says a few more touching things and everybody gets all verklempt, including Loretta, who gives Deb a big hug and whispers "thank you."

Poopyhead Michael gives Deb some flowers and reminisces about the after-school butter-crunch sundaes he had at the diner when he was a kid. He admits that he was lucky and that Deb was a great mom. She forgives him for the mean things he said earlier and gives him a hug, calling him a "silly boy." I guess that's the nice way to say "poopyhead."

Babylon — Brian's trick worked: there's a long line again, and the bouncer is happy to keep picking and choosing.

Ted: "Holy shit, would you look how long that line is?"
Justin: "It's long, but is it real?"
Brian: "As the immortal Jeff Stryker once said, 'You bet your ass it is.'"

This is not a good sign: the writers are so desperate, they're resorting to Jeff Stryker jokes. And it gets worse: Brian and Justin go to the back room, and Justin says "you won't see bananas like this at Banana Republic."

No, but you'll hear tripe like that at every QAF read-through.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: The battle for Jenny Rebecca drones on; Loretta's husband comes to claim her; Hunter bleeds.

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