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Below the belt — Lindsay is meeting the sharky lawyer Brian referred her to. The guy, whose name is Mr. Gabriel, is no angel. He plans to take full advantage of the mean things Lindsay has told him about Michael and Melanie. Lindsay is shocked; she says they'll never forgive her and she doesn't want to stoop that low. But Gabriel says he can do the stooping for her.

Well, before stooping and going all Springer on everyone's ass, you might actually try researching and arguing the case. Look up T.B. v. L.R.M., 786 A.2d 913 (Pa. 2001), and check your Black's Law Dictionary for in loco parentis. Or gee, if you didn't go to a decent law school, check some basic sites like Lambda Legal or HRC and get a fucking clue. Seems to me that under Pennsylvania law, Lindsay is well within her rights to ask for visitation, and possibly even seek custody, without taking the low road. Maybe J.R. hasn't been around that long, but Lindsay has definitely been acting as a parent, and with Mel's full consent. I think even pseudo-lawyer Melanie knows that these things add up to a claim, and that's why she didn't want Linds to be at the meeting.

Liberty Avenue — Emmett is on a bit of a star trip, while Ted is having a pity party. I think I just described every Emmett/Ted scene in every season.

They check out Babylon, expecting it to be dead as usual. But there's a long line, and a bouncer who's letting the pretty and shiny ones in. He stops Emmett, which is ridiculous.

Inside, the dance floor is empty and Brian is handing out cash: each pretty guy gets $100 for lining up and lending that air of exclusivity. Brian explains the trick to Ted: when you tell people they can't have something, that's all they want. Ted oughtta know.

Another first day on the job — Loretta is serving up pink plate specials, tuna melts, chicken melts, and veggie melts. One little twink customer gets kind of pissy, so Deb gets right in his face in her wonderful Deb way. She takes Loretta aside and gives her the tools of the trade:

Deb: "Most of these boys are princes. Once in a while you get a queen. And when you do, you just gotta tell him where to stick his sceptre."
Loretta: "I don't know if I can do that."
Deb: "This is a diner, honey. It's kill or be killed."
Queeny customer: [snapping his fingers] "Waitress! Christ. Is somebody gonna wait on me, or do I have to sit here for three days like the lemon bars?"
Loretta: [to Deb] "Kill or be killed."
Queeny customer: "Well? Are you gonna stand there and pose or are you gonna take my order."
Loretta: "That'll be a milkshake and a bowl of chicken broth."
Queeny customer: "Why would I want that?"
Loretta: "Because the next time you snap your fingers at me, the only way you're gonna be able to suck anything is through a straw."
Deb: [shocked and impressed] "By George, she's fuckin' got it! Yes!"

The not-queer-enough guy — Emmett talks to Don, the TV station bigwig, about some ideas for the Queer Guy segment. But Don says the segment has been cancelled: Em just isn't queer enough.

The meeting of the lawless — Lindsay, Melanie, and Michael are meeting with their lawyers. Bobbi, Michael's lawyer, says that Lindsay has no legal claim to J.R. because she is neither the biological nor the adoptive mother.

Um, you're the big hotshot who supposed to know everything about gay law? Go read the stuff I told Mr. Gabriel to read and leave me alone. Here's an extra assignment because you're so annoying.

Mr. Not-an-angel Gabriel list all the ways in which Lindsay has been involved in J.R.'s life and Melanie's life. Best to leave the not-so-happy "common law arrangement" out of this and focus on the kid, you dummy. But of course Melanie has taken the opportunity to snipe at Lindsay again about Sam, so Mr. Gabriel barks back about Mel's own infidelities.

At least Bobbi understands this much: she wants to know what the hell an affair has to do with being a good parent. So Mr. Gabriel tries to get to the point, which is a sharp one indeed: he says that during her pregnancy, Melanie endangered the life of her child by working to the point of exhaustion. Mel says that's an exaggeration, but I kinda think it's not.

Bobbi goes back to her line about biological and legal claims. You know, speaking sternly while wearing a helmet of hair spray doesn't change the fact that you don't have any fucking idea what you're talking about. Maybe it works for Justice O'Connor, but it's not doing much for you.

Mr. Gabriel, who doesn't know anything about the law either, decides he'll just forget about the biological and legal stuff and talk about Lindsay's "moral claims" instead. Moral claims? What, you've decided to take your case to the District Court of Morality? There's a reason we don't like to see displays of the Ten Commandments in the courtroom: it's not just unconstitutional, it's misleading.

According to the shark, Michael fails on the "morality" front because he lives with a former male prostitute, uses recreational drugs, and writes a violent, pornographic comic book. Oh, come on, look at the guy: He's the Fred freakin' Rogers of the homo neighborhood.

But Melanie and Michael both seem to think Linds has got them beat, so they just sit and stare as Mr. Gabriel says that they can either find a way to share J.R. amongst themselves, or they can go to court. I'm still just rapidly dissolving.

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