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Lindsay's apartment — Brian is there to offer words of wisdom to his "sonny boy" and to Linds. Why does Brian get all Tennessee Williams when he's talking to his kid?

Lindsay tells Brian that Michael is petitioning for joint custody and 50% physical custody.

Brian: "Well, who the hell does he think he is? The father?"

Heh. Linds is pretty worried, though.

Lindsay: "If only Melanie had been reasonable."
Brian: "Melanie? Our little Melanie? Reasonable?"

Lindsay's worried that the court will say she's the one with no legal rights. Wait, is Melanie a lawyer? Did she use her lawyerly skills? Ugh.

Lindsay asks Brian to talk to Michael. Brian tells Gus he'll get things back on track.

Popperz — Brian finds Emmett and asks why he's not at Babylon.

Emmett: "Look, it's not my fault the herd's moved on."

Then Emmett points out a "tired old queen" who's trying to hang on to something — and it's Ted, looking like some sort of very shabby Eminem imitation.

So Brian confronts Ted then — "et tu, Theodore?" — and as they chat about the fate of Babylon, a hot guy unzips Brian's pants. Oh, the life of Brian!

Brian's loft of iniquity — Brian's banging the hot guy from Popperz. Justin arrives home and is not at all surprised; he just smiles and watches. Brian smiles back, and after he comes, says "How was your flight?"

Still crying — Mel is comforting J.R., who's still crying. The captions say that Mel is "crooning in Jewish," so I can only conclude that the caption-ers are kinda clueless.

There's a knock at the door; it's Deb to the rescue. She takes J.R. and starts to work her magic.

Melanie: "Look, you really shouldn't be here, considering he plans to sue me for custody."
Deb: "You still haven't learned, have you? We have a child here with a problem. You got a hot water bottle?"

Mel does as she's told. And the hot water bottle quiets J.R. down. Mel continues to protest that Deb shouldn't come around until this thing's settled.

Deb: "As far as I'm concerned, it already is. The three of you carrying on, each of you wanting a piece of this poor child. It's shameful. It's worse than that king — you know the one, Solomon. But the bottom line: I say a baby belongs with its mother."
Melanie: "You do."
Deb: "Maybe it's because I'm a mother. A single mother. And anyone who isn't or never has been hasn't a fuckin' clue how tough that is. And that includes my son. So whatever I can do to help, I'm here."
Melanie: "Thank you for bein' on my side."
Deb: "Now hear this: the only one who's side I'm on is my granddaughter's."

The only one who's side I'm on is Deb's! Er, Deb. Um, the only side I'm on is Deb's. There. I almost lost my grammatical powers in the midst of all this drama.

The Liberty diner — Justin is telling tales of L.A., how horrible it is and blah blah blah. Deb is listening and looking concerned.

Random customer: "Hey Deb, can I get a soup spoon?"
Deb: "Sure can, honey, they're over by the counter. Help yourself."

Em asks Justin what he's gonna do next; Justin says he hasn't had time to think about it. Deb tells him is old job is still waiting for him; he can start bussing tables whenever he wants.

The news — Emmett is meeting the groom, er, the new husband, at the news station. The guy wants to hire Emmett to do some sort of "queer guy" segment on the news. Well, he starts the whole thing by saying "I want you, Emmett," which comes across the wrong way. Anyway.

What he wants is for Emmett to offer tips and do makeovers. Em grins in his great way.

Babylon — Brian asks Michael to leave Melanie and Lindsay alone. "They have enough shit to work out right now, without you siccing your bulldog, or should I say bulldyke, lawyer on them." Michael says it's none of Brian's business.

Michael: "Who the fuck are you to —"
Brian: "I'm Gus's father, that's who the fuck I am."
Michael: "You had to lose a ball before you even knew he was alive."

Okay, Michael, with that you are officially on my shit list. You're currently out-ranking Ted, and that's saying something.

Brian sees through all of Michael's ranting.

Brian: "When did you change?"
Michael: "What?"
Brian: "When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit?"
Michael: "The point is not when did I change. The point is why haven't you? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up?"
Brian: "Oh, now so I'm the object of your disapproval too. You and the nutty professor get married — in fucking Canada! — you move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals, and suddenly that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life?"

I'm snorting at the "Canada" quip. It's like that episode where they joked about how much Toronto looks like Pittsburgh.

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