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Deb wonders where everybody was. Right on cue, some kids come in talking about Popperz.

Deb: "Popperz?! That dump's older than I am."
Kid: "Only thing that is."

Deb throws the stale muffin at them and hits her mark. Whee!

Deb: [to Brian] "You of all people should know: there's no one more fickle than a fag."

Tired of fighting — Lindsay has brought groceries and the mail. That kid Gus is grinning and playing while Mel holds J.R. and looks exhausted.

Gus doesn't want to go. Mel tells him she'll see him tomorrow.

Lindsay: "How's J.R.?"
Melanie: "Up all night. Screaming."
Lindsay: "Why don't you let me take her?"
Melanie: "You can't be up all night and look after Gus and work all day."
Lindsay: "But you're exhausted."
Melanie: "Don't worry about me, okay? I can handle it."
Lindsay: "No one said you couldn't."
Melanie: "Then don't start."
Lindsay: "I'm not starting anything."

Yes, you are — starting to get on my nerves. Like, two seasons ago. Shut up and step up and get the hell back together already.

Lindsay: "I just wish there was some way we could—"
Melanie: "Kiss and make up?"
Lindsay: "Get along."

Can I vote for the first option?

Melanie see something unsavory in the mail: "That little fucker hired a lawyer." I love the percussive way she says "fucker."

Deb's domain — Ben and Michael are moving Carl's favorite chair into Deb's house. They're also telling her about the lawyer.

Michael: "Her name is Bobbi Bennett."
Deb: "Thought she was married to Hugh Hefner."
Michael or Ben, whoever: "That's Barbi Benton."

Deb is glad Michael's standing up for himself, but she's sorry it had to come to this.

And now Michael's gonna be sorry:

Michael: "Well, I'm not gonna let my daughter be raised by a couple of single mothers—"
Ben: "When there's a loving, stable home with two fathers."
Deb: [dramatic pause] "Single mothers?"
Michael or Ben, whoever: "Hmm?"
Deb: "You just said 'single mothers.' You mean like me?"
Michael: "I wasn't talking about you. I wasn't even thinking about you."
Deb: "Yeah, so what else is new? But I was a single mother. And guess what? Even without a father, you still had enough sense to come in out of the rain. Sometimes."
Michael: "That's not what I was talking about. For Chrissakes, Mom, will you stop misinterpreting?"
Deb: "Who's misinterpreting?"
Ben: "Deb, all we're saying..."
Deb: "I know what you're sayin'. I speak the language. Thank you very much. You think because there're two of you, that you're better equipped to raise a kid. Well, let me tell you two experts something. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a partner and enough money to stay home and raise their kids. Some of us had to work. Night and day. Sometimes till 2:00 in the fucking morning, so that our kids could have sneakers and jeans and walkmans and... and go to the movies just like all their friends. And while we were out there workin', we were just hopin' and prayin' to god that they didn't get sick or get in trouble. But we had no choice. We made whatever sacrifice we could for our kids' happiness. So, listen, you two think you can do it better, all I gotta say is, good for you."

And she gives them that stare that I can only describe as the Chris Cagney glare, and saunters off with that trademark swagger.

Am I typing out too many Deb speeches? Nah, impossible.

Michael and Ben just sigh.

The salon — Ted's hairdresser talks about Ted's weight and his bald spot. Ted didn't know he had a bald spot.

A weird old guy (is he a gay celeb or something?) tells Ted there's no use fighting it: he needs to accept getting older. He can always move to Palm Springs and ogle the Mexican boys. Eww.

The wedding — Emmett is trying to calm the frantic bride. The groom gives her a glass of wine, which she promptly spills all over herself.

Emmett tells her to take the blouse off and follow him. He goes to the kitchen, hollering for a soup pot and two bottles of burgundy. And he dyes the blouse a perfect shade of pink and dries it with a hair dryer. The bride and groom call him a "genius" and he tells the story of his good white church pants that he stained with boysenberries when he was a boy — "That's how I got my fairy wings: I learned how to turn a disaster into something beautiful."

I heart Emmett.

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