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But then a guy in a Speedo shows up with Babylon flyers and calls Ted "sir," which of course freaks Ted out.

Brian arrives and tells Michael about Babylon.

Brian: "I resuscitated it. I put my mouth on it and blew."
Michael: "So that's how you spent your disposable income? You should have bought a house."
Brian: "Some of us queers prefer dancing and fucking to kiddies and picket fences."

Emmett says Popperz is the new hot spot, but Brian is sure Babylon will rise again.

The broken home — Michael has bought a scary talking teddy bear for J.R. — it says, in his voice, "Hi J.R., your Daddy loves you!" It's making me think of that creepy bear in A.I. — "We are in a cage."

Melanie calls the bear "precious" in a way that sounds like "ridiculous." She's been up all night with J.R., who's colicky.

Michael says he's there to apologize. Melanie's still being unfriendly, so Michael cuts to the chase.

Michael: "The important thing is, we need to decide how we're gonna take care of our child."
Melanie: "Our child?"
Michael: "How much time she'll spend with you, and with Linds, and Ben and me. We're buying a new house."
Melanie: "I'll tell you how much time she's gonna spend with you. None."
Lindsay: "Melanie, please, would you lower your voice? I'm sure we can handle this without screaming."
Melanie: "Who's screaming? I'm making a point."
Lindsay: [cuddling fussy J.R.] "Tell that to her."

Michael insists that they had an agreement that he'd be part of his daughter's life, but Melanie says that never included physical custody. Michael says that's because Mel and Linds were together at the time of the agreement. Well, then, Mikey, you should have made that clear in the contract, shouldn't you? Also, why are you calling it "a new house"? That thing is old and dilapidated.

Mel and Linds insists that they're still J.R.'s parents, while Michael is just her biological father. Well, that's awfully convenient. And that contract had better be watertight.

The wedding from hell — Emmett's still trying to please the impossible couple. The woman is worried that it's going to rain, as well as a dozen other things, and the groom (who is that guy? he looks so familiar) is just trying to keep her happy. He's a news guy; he says he has to get back to the station because he's got a remote coming in from Iraq.

The frightening fiancée: "Iraq? Screw Iraq! We're having a wedding!"

And that, my friends, is what's wrong with America, straight, gay, and otherwise.

Emmett tries to reassure her, but she's simply impossible. She scurries off, shrieking about the color of the toilet tissue in the ladies' room.

Groom: "You know, I gotta hand it to you. I don't know how you do it."
Emmett: "Well, it's one of the reasons we queer guys are around: to help you poor straight people straighten up."

And the only wedding I'm interested in is the one in which I get hitched to Emmett.

Pomposity — Brett, that annoying and not-cute producer guy, is getting ready to go to Australia. He's also kicking Justin out of his house. Pack your bags, J.T., and go home to Super Cock.

Brett says his development people are going to "shop it around" — meaning Rage, but nobody believes him.

More packing — Ben and Michael are packing their things. You've already closed on the house? That was quick. Michael is complaining about Melanie's "screaming."

Michael: "With all their carrying on... I know we can provide a more stable home life for J.R. than they can."

You know what, Michael? Nobody has a stable home life. Nobody. You didn't, Ben probably didn't (well, I don't know how aliens raise their babies), and Hunter sure as hell didn't. And everybody somehow turns out the way they're going to turn out, often in spite of their home lives. Also, you used to be a nice guy with an open mind, and now you're acting like a sexist lesbo-phobic dickhead, so shut the fuck up and let Mel and Linds get on with their muff-a-rific lives.

Ben, in a rare moment of relevance, says they have to stay calm and rational. But Michael says there's no way he's giving up his kid. Again, should you have thought about this before you jacked off into a cup? Perhaps.

Babylon — Ted is making the final arrangements for opening night. Emmett shows up to show his support and flirt with the club manager.

Brian, looking very swank in black, hops down the stairs, clapping his hands:

Brian: "I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set."
Emmett: "My parents couldn't afford an erector set. So I just had to play with the one god gave me."

The lights go down and the strobes go up, and the thumpa-thumpa starts again. Brian goes to the door to greet his admirers... but there's no one there. Well, a few stragglers wander in, but there's not exactly a queue for this queer joint.

Emmett takes himself and his perfect makeup to Popperz, where all the hot guys are.

La la land — Justin is at a party; Connor's there too, with a new Justin.

Justin: "Seems there's no shortage of us in Hollywood."

The new Justin is not as cute, nor as nice.

Justin and Connor ramble about Brett and Rage and whatever, but I've been recapping for too long so I take this opportunity to doze.

The upshot is that Connor tells Justin there's no way Rage will be resurrected.

Breakfast — Brian is sitting at the counter at the diner, looking glum.

Deb: "You look like you gave an orgy and nobody came."
Brian: "I love how you can take a stale cliché and make it fresh. Could you do the same for this muffin?"
Deb: "What the fuck's with you?"
Brian: "Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon?"
Deb: "Is this one of those light bulb jokes?"
Brian: "Twelve."

Deb is surprised. Brian says that's eight-fucking-grand down the crapper, and that it will be again tonight and tomorrow and the next night if he doesn't come up with something.

Deb: "Sounds like one hell of an expensive blow job."
Brian: "And I wouldn't have minded even that. But not one of them was even remotely fuckable."

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