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More storyboards — This time J.T. is "lost among the stars," wondering if he'll ever see Rage again.

Cut to real-life Justin, thinking about Brian, taking out his cell phone. But Brett shows up with bad news: the plug has been pulled. The picture's over budget, over schedule, but of course all pictures are, and the real reason it's been eighty-sixed is that it's a very homo-rific film.

Justin insists that there are millions of queers out there with billions of dollars.

Brett: "He's green-lighting 'The Passion of Moses.' Gay's out. God's in."

You can say that again. But don't, because I still don't like you.

The house of mirth — Lindsay and that kid Gus show up. Melanie immediately starts up with the sniping. Lindsay tries to change J.R.'s diaper, but Mel says "Christ, I can do it." Christ, can you ever.

On her way out, Lindsay says it had to be done; they had to tell their friends. Mel actually opens up for a moment:

Melanie: "It's just that..."
Lindsay: "What?"
Melanie: "Telling them... seeing their faces... knowing they know... somehow makes it real."

Lindsay just turns and goes. No, no, no! Wrong move! You were supposed to just take a few steps forward and open your arms. Am I going to have to wait all season for the reconciliation? Perhaps I shouldn't complain: I think they've already had more screen time this episode than they had in all of last season put together.

The Stepford fags take a walk — Yep, these are Ben's friends. Eli and Monty are talking about having some neighbors over for a barbecue, along with some members of the English department. They invite Ben and Michael too.

They walk by a fixer-upper house; Ben says they're not interested, but Michael says "How soon could we see it?"

So Eli and Monty write down the realtor's number. Michael says maybe it's time for a change. I imagine him singing "Time to Change" with a cracking voice like Peter Brady.

Disposable income — Brian is standing in the mess that was Babylon. Ted arrives, in response to Brian's urgent message to meet him there.

Brian: "I found that little something you told me to treat myself to."
Ted: "Babylon?! I said the toy, not the playroom!"

But Brian has already made up his mind. Ted says it's not practical. Brian walks up to the catwalk, turns on the disco lights, and makes a speech:

Brian: "And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married? Move to the suburbs? And become a home-loving, child-raising, god-fearing imitation heterosexual? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul, going to the mall and dropping my kids off at school and having barbecues in the backyard? That's their death. Not mine. I'm a cocksucker. I'm queer. And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say judge yourself. This is where I live. This is who I am."

Okay, so it was a bit precious, but it also rocked. Save the urban queer!

Also, feel sorry for me: imagine being a lesbian who scoffs at the idea of getting married and moving to the suburbs and having kids. It ain't easy.

Another storyboard — Rage is standing at the precipice of a new world.

Another theme song — Oh, so this is not really a two-hour premiere, but rather two episodes presented back-to-back? Fine. Make me work twice as hard for no good reason.

The grave of Rage — Justin is packing up his stuff. He takes one storyboard with him. Why do I feel like breaking into song? Something from Yentl; probably "This is One of Those Moments" or "A Piece of Sky." Scratch that: let's go with "The Impossible Dream" from La Mancha, preferably the Robert Goulet version.

New digs — Ted has made all the arrangements; Babylon is now Brian's. Meanwhile, Ben and Michael are checking out their new house and thinking color schemes. We switch between urban decadence and suburban dreams; Brian talks about condom machines while Ben talks about Disney wallpaper.

Brian: "Get a cleaning crew in here to jackhammer the dried cum off the floor."
Ted: "Half of it's probably yours."

Brian wants to re-open right away, and puts Ted in charge of lining everything up. Michael, meanwhile, is worried about how long it's going to take them to get the house in shape. Ben says they're making a home together, so who cares how long it takes? Yeah, I doubt you'll be saying that when everything's broken and you have no time or energy to install another goddamn shutoff valve. Not that I speak from experience or anything.

Take this job and shove it — Emmett, Ted, and Michael are at the Liberty Diner. Em's on the phone with an unhappy client who wants to change everything about her wedding.

Michael: "Who was that?"
Emmett: "The wedding of Alien and Predator."

Ted says it can't be any worse than Melanie and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.

Michael: "No shit."
Emmett: "Now, honey, you can't let yourself get all worked up."
Deb: [across the diner] "I told you to keep your fucking pants on. I'll take your order as soon as I can."
Emmett: "Of course, I realize that may be genetically impossible."

Deb brings their orders; Ted's is a BLT, "hold the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo, and fries." Oh, poor tubby Ted.

Hey, Em, I love your bright blue tie! Can I borrow it?

Michael and Emmett tell Teddy that his new boyfriend is adorable. But Ted says "He's history. He jacks off to photos of Ted Kennedy." Ewww.

Emmett: "Teddy, you're not fat. Well, not hugely grossly."
Michael: "And you're certainly not old."

You're just whiny and odd.

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