Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Fourteen (season finale) (original air date 18 July 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Are Lindsay and Melanie really done?
   Are you kidding? Showtime doesn't want to lose the 18 lesbians who watch this show.
2. Is Deb really all that?
   And more! I've decided to start a Deb cult. We'll call ourselves Debbie's Lezzies. Wanna join?
3. What did Deb's T-shirt say?
   One said "I love my penis"; the other said "I love my granddaughter." Eww, that looks gross.
4. Is it over yet?
   Yes. <sigh of relief>

Cue the Pulse Once More — I know I've already said this, but I love the new theme and opening titles. Don't change them.

The Liberty Ride — Nice day, good tune, pretty Canadian countryside, and cute boys on bikes: what could be better? Not much, if you're a QAF writer looking for a way to fill some minutes.

A phone call — Ben and Michael call Melanie and Lindsay to tell them the good news and to suggest they all go out together as "married couples" when they get back. What are the boys going to say when they find out that all is not well in lesbo land? Yeah, probably not a lot.

Melanie and Lindsay talk about marriage a little after they hang up the phone. Mel says the only people who will profit from gay marriage are divorce lawyers. They mumble that at least they don't have to worry about getting a divorce, but they both look pretty sad when they say it. Hey, look: that kid is sitting at the table. So that's where he's been! He's sort of watching them, like he's thinking "I wonder who those women are?"

The U.S./Canada border — Ben and Michael have filled out one form, as a married couple. The customs officer tells them they can't do that because same-sex marriage is not recognized in the U.S. Yeah, and don't forget that when you file your taxes, you can't file as married, but you also can't lie and say you're single. Aren't you glad you got hitched?

Brian tries to help out, but the border guard loves his petty power. It may not be enough to protect him: right in front of him is a brightly-colored, pissed off Deb:

Customs officer: "Did you bring any fruit into the country?"
Deb: "250 of them. On bicycles."
Customs officer [reading Deb's form]: "The purpose of your visit to Canada was 'to experience the greatest joy I've ever known seeing my gay son marry his lover.'"
Deb: "You got a problem with that, [looking at officer's nametag] Butz?"
Officer Butz: "As I explained to your son, the government of the United States doesn't recognize gays gettin' married."
Deb: "But you do recognize Britney Spears getting loaded and married one night and having it annulled the next morning. Or two total strangers getting married for a million fucking bucks on television. Is that the sanctity of marriage that you assholes are protecting?"
Michael: "Ma!"
Deb: "Well, what is this shit? Not letting you back into your own country. Like your marriage doesn't count. You know, if it's good enough for Canada and the Queen of fucking England, it's good enough for Butz."
Officer Butz: "Ma'am, do you like smoked salmon?"
Deb: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Officer Butz: "Because if you don't shut up, you're gonna spend the rest of your life in Nova Scotia."

I think I'm going to print that out and frame it.

Hollywood — Justin is oohing and aahing over mockups of the Rage poster and renderings of Rage's lair. Brett gets a phone call: it's the green light.

Brett: "You showed everyone in that meeting what Hollywood fears most."
Justin: "Bad hair?"
Brett: "Honesty."

Oh, please. Justin's not so amazing: he's an ex-member of the Pink Posse. Suddenly he's the expert on honesty and how to be an upstanding gay citizen?

Brett tells his assistant to cancel Justin's flight because Justin can't leave town without celebrating.

Dinner on the Liberty Ride — Ted is feeling morose. That's nothing new, but this time it's about the fact that his "birthday" (he's six months sober) is tomorrow and he's just feeling nervous, anxious, and lost. Wait: how is that unusual?

Elsewhere, Deb has lost her appetite because of Officer Butz. Out of nowhere, a cake arrives: Brian has had it delivered for the "mutual suicide pact," along with a posh bottle of champagne. And enter the klezmer band: dance, boys, dance! This is cute: if I ever lose my mind and decide to get married, I think I'll do it like this.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Mel and Linds discuss schools and accounts and chocolate chip cookies over tea. Okay, you two: it's time to acknowledge that you're not ready to call this the end. Oh, but you can't, because then you couldn't be one of the cliffhangers. I hate cliffhangers.

On the way to the bathroom, Melanie's water breaks, and so does the teapot she's carrying.

The Liberty Ride — Emmett has found a way for Ted to veer off the route in order to go to a 12-step meeting. Em, you're the best!

Michael wobbles up next to Brian. And I do mean "wobbles": he looks like he's just learning how to ride a bike. Brian looks even more graceful than usual next to that. Well, until he falls: in an effort to impress a cute guy, he tries to ride no-handed and promptly crashes. How many eye-rolling moments will there be in this episode, exactly?

The EMTs tell Brian he's broken his clavicle and will have to go back to Pittsburgh.

The hospital — Melanie's kinda freaked out. She and Linds still look kind of in love to me:

Melanie: "Don't leave. Stay. Get me through this."
Lindsay: "And give up my theatre tickets?"

Sigh. Just kiss and make up already, dammit.

Linds helps Mel do the Lamaze stuff, and as they breathe together, Lindsay inhales Mel's scent as if to bottle it up in her memory. Sniffle.

The Liberty Ride — Brian's practicing riding one-handed, because he doesn't give a damn about broken clavicles. I'm distracted by Hal Sparks's acting: it's possibly the worst it's ever been, and I wonder whether that has something to do with the wobbly bike riding.

Hollywood — Okay, I've decided I can't stand this Brett guy. He's so full of himself, in that "I'm just a regular guy except I'm rich and famous" kind of way, which is worse than being openly arrogant.

That Connor guy, who is supposed to be some sort of celebrity, is there. Brett leaves Justin with him. Hmm.

Nowhere — Ted and Emmett's detour has led them to some hay bales and cattle.

Ted: "I thought you knew how to read a map."
Emmett: "Of course I know how to read a map. You go down this road, make a left at "up yours," and then continue on about three miles to "go fuck yourself."

Wait, I do want to get married! To Emmett! And we won't even have to go to Canada to do it, and we'll bring another gay couple to the hotel for our honeymoon so we can have sex.

Ted starts to have a panic attack. Emmett, who looks a little bit like an alien in his bike helmet, decides they'll have a meeting right there and then. He introduces Ted in a Vegas sort of way; Ted then "shares." It's kinda nice, because I'm still really glad we're done with the Ted-the-meth-addict arc. Or that we're at least in the recovery part of it.

The cattle are lowing while Ted gives his little speech. Those are some damn handsome bovines: everything's better in Canada.

They don't have a cake to cut, but Emmett has a donut, which is so adorable. Handsome cows and a good donut: that's the life!

Another break for the writers — The ride continues on, with more groovy music and Brian riding one-handed. Yes, I'm mocking the filler-y nature of it, but it's kind of nice to watch despite Hal Sparks's wobbly acting.

Brian's hallucinating a bit; he sees himself on the side of the road, and then Justin, and then he's way behind the pack all alone — except for Michael, of course.

Brian takes a break to have a smoke, because that's what a fabulous beautiful man does when he's trying to ride a bike with a broken clavicle. The bike doesn't have the broken clavicle. Anyway.

Michael: "Why are you doing this? To show everyone what a hero you are? That despite insurmountable odds, the Great Kinney can cross the finish line with one arm tied behind his back?"
Brian: "In front of my back."
Michael: "in front of your back."

Bwahaha!

Brian talks about a movie in which survivors of breast cancer went through boot camp and laughed in the middle of all of it: "If I can survive this, I can survive anything." I don't believe it for a minute, Brian: you don't watch Lifetime.

Hollywood — Justin has decided to take Brett's offer to stay on as assistant art director or whatever on the Rage movie. Huh.

A different part of nowhere — Ted and Emmett are still lost. Suddenly they come upon a highway. Emmett puts his ear to the ground to see if he can hear the cavalry coming: but there's no need, because 250 bicycle-riding fruits are trundling toward them.

They join the race, and everybody's joyful and gay again. "Oh Happy Day" plays, and I love that song.

The finish line — Deb congratulates everyone and hands out juice. Justin shows up, not surprised to hear that Brian went along.

The riders go their separate ways. Deb, Justin, Ben, and Hunter wait, and wait, and wait, for Michael and Brian. Finally they show up, and of course there's a big dramatic moment where Brian tries to quit fifty feet from the finish line, but they don't let him. Okay, maybe Brian does watch Lifetime, or maybe I'm watching Lifetime right now.

So eventually they manage to finish, and everybody's cheering and happy as the nighttime snow falls. Ben says he thought Michael went to the hospital, and Michael doesn't realize at first that he's talking about Melanie being in the hospital, not Brian. I love the way Deb laughs with glee and says "I'm a grandma."

The hospital — The new baby's name is Jenny Rebecca.

Ben: "Late grandmothers?"
Melanie: "Early Streisand."

Thank you, Mel, for helping me support my position that lesbians love Babs too!

Ben takes pictures of everyone. It's very awkward when Lindsay and Melanie try not to get too close.

The Liberty Diner — Em and Ted eat their ice cream standing up because their "bums are a little battered." Deb tells Em he's a "disgrace to nelly bottoms everywhere."

Carl shows up with an "I love my granddaughter" T-shirt for Deb and wants to talk about wedding plans.

Carl: "It's up to you. Whatever you say."
Deb: "Whatever I say? In that case, I don't want a wedding."
Carl: "No wedding?"
Deb: "I can't marry you. Not because I don't love you, because God knows I do."
Carl: "Then what?"
Deb: "How can I get married when my own son can't? And the goddamn President wants to change the Constitution, to prevent Ben and Michael and all the other beautiful gay men and women from having the same rights that you and I do. It just doesn't seem right."
Carl: "That's very noble, sweetheart, but you're just one person."
Deb: "Well, sometimes that's all it takes. Look at Gandhi. Ben Kingsley starved himself, but it turned the tide."
Carl: "You're not gonna starve yourself, are you?"
Deb: "There's only so much I'm humanly capable of. I am gonna send a message, and the finger, to the White House. Until my son can walk down the aisle in this country, then neither will I."

Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb!

I feel so validated. First Mel praises Streisand, and then Deb says what I've been telling straight people for years: if you really think it's wrong that gay people can't get married, then you should eschew the institution yourself. Yes, it's a bit extreme, but at least I'm not starving myself like Ben Kingsley.

Deb and Carl decide they'll be happy to live in sin. Yay!

The hospital — Mel feeds Jenny. Lindsay teases Mel about being a Jewish mom who will mix guilt with mother's milk. Mel says they have the most beautiful children God has ever created, but the tender moment soon passes. They talk a little about child care, and then Lindsay decides it's time to go.

Mel: "And you're really going."
Lindsay: "That's what we both agreed to, isn't it?"

Mel just nods and watches her go. Sigh. Hey, writers: in the next season premiere, let's start with Lindsay turning around and walking back down the hall to find Melanie still sitting in that chair, okay? She can throw herself at Mel's feet, and all of that. Please!

Liberty House — The squares from the Gay and Lesbian Center announce that the ride raised however many thousands of dollars, and then reveal that the Liberty House has been renamed Vic Grassi House. It's kinda sweet.

Deb: "You got them to do this, didn't you?"
Brian: "It's still America, Deb. Money talks."
Deb: "Yeah, but for once it said the right thing."

Babylon — Brian's there with his un-broken clavicle, and a couple of guys are there freeing their willies. And there's Vic, floating Brian up into the air with him and telling him he did a good job and that God's best friend is Judy Garland.

Brian's actually in bed, of course, because that was a dream. He wakes up and tells Justin what he'd like to do differently now that he's survived cancer and has also survived sleeping in a tent: he'd like to redecorate the bedroom, and spend more time with Gus, and he'd like Justin to move back in.

Brian: "As for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were."

Justin doesn't answer, even though he admits he's been wanting Brian to ask him that since the first night Brian brought him to the loft.

Ben and Michael's bed — Michael can't sleep. He's too wired from everything that's happened. He's also wondering whether they're really married if it's not legal in the U.S., so Ben asks him if it was worth it even if it was real for just a day. Michael says yeah, "it so was," and they have some steamy wedding night sex. "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" plays — a punk version — and... curtain! Why are the season finale episodes always so much better than the season as a whole?

NEXT WEEK ON SHOWTIME:
Dead Like Me starts up again. Yay! I don't think I'll be recapping it, unless a lesbian storyline springs up somewhere. If that happens, I hope it involves Jasmine Guy.

More QAF recaps available here.

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