Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Thirteen (original air date 11 July 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Who is that Hollywood guy? He looks familiar.
   I don't know, but he keeps reminding me of Heather Matarazzo. On her, that face looks good; on him, I don't like it.
2. Can you believe the writers made an Albee reference?
   No! And it was a great one -- Mel and Linds really are acting like George and Martha. It could be worse: they could be acting like Martin and Stevie in The Goat, or Who Is Sylvia? Then I'd feel even sorrier for Gus than I do now.
3. How is it possible that Brian can look that cool in a bicycle helmet?
   That guy is the definition of cool. Especially compared to Michael, who looked like a 10-year-old (even more so than he usually does) in his helmet.
4. What did Deb's T-shirt say?
   "Real Boobs / Fake Fur." There were cute little pictures too.

Brian and Justin's Film Noir — Cool: crooked shots, good jazz, and Justin's constricting pupils. Brian sneaks out when he thinks Justin is asleep; Brian's off to the gym again for another late-night training session.

The little film noir thing ends too soon; Justin goes into the gym and confronts Brian. Apparently Brian's been training for three weeks — secretly, so that people can't tell him he can't do it.

Justin: "I have to hand it to you: your perseverance is surpassed only by your narcissism."
Brian: "There you have it: the secret to my success."

Yeah, but it's so much easier when you have so much to be narcissistic about, like that great hair and awesome body and big brain and wicked sense of humor... geez, I'm turning into a fag hag.

Justin gets turned on by the whole thing and decides to take a ride on the bike too.

Spin class — Michael looks like he's gonna die. Hunter has barely broken a sweat.

Ben: "I'd say we're in great shape for the ride, wouldn't you?"
Michael: "Provided my ass holds out."
Ben: "I've never known it to fail."
Michael: "You've never ridden it for 350 miles."
Hunter: "Maybe you can get an extended warranty since it's no longer new."

Oh, the banter! The wit! The model gay family! Yawn.

Meanwhile, Ted hears some guys talking about bringing their "vitamins" along. Uh-oh.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — The squares from the Gay and Lesbian Center are paying Mel a visit, since she's on bed rest until the baby is born. They tell her all about the Liberty Ride sendoff, which sounds kind of lame, but Mel wishes she could be there. Linds shows up, and the woman from the Center leaves suddenly. Maybe she knows about what Lindsay did, but it's hard to tell because that woman is always that sour and dour.

Linds decides to take Gus to the park. Mel gives her a long list of things to do first, and Linds gets pissed off because she feels like hired help. She says Mel has no right to order her around; this, of course, leads Mel to wonder what right Lindsay had to do what she did. Linds says "let's stop this right now," and I'm not sure whether she means they should stop fighting, or stop pretending to be a couple, or stop pretending to be actual three-dimensional characters.

Red Cape Comics — Michael and Justin are on the phone with Brett the movie producer guy. We see Brett pacing in his swanky house; what the hell is that guy wearing? Is he supposed to look quirky or creative or something? He just looks like he hasn't bought new clothes since 1983.

Brett says Justin needs to go to L.A. to pitch the Rage flick. Justin doesn't want to go because he's committed to the Liberty Ride. Oh, whatever, Justin.

Carl shows up, looking very serious. He asks Justin to go away. I wish more people would ask Justin to go away. Carl tells Michael he wants to marry Deb. Yay! Hooray! Michael makes a big show of making sure Carl will be good to her — I roll my eyes, but they have a few glimmers of tears in them too, because I'm a big sap.

A play place — Gus, or whatever his name is, is off playing while Lindsay and Brian talk about the Melanie situation. Linds feels like a punching bag, and doesn't know what to do about it because she can't add any stress to Mel's life, given her delicate condition.

Brian: "So now you have to serve in silence like that muncher in the military, Greta Camembert."
Lindsay: "Margaret Cammermeyer."

Brian, I can't believe how much I love you. And Lindsay, what kind of self-respecting lesbian are you? The woman's name is Margarethe, not Margaret. Oh, but that's right: you're not much of a self-respecting lesbian lately anyway. And I just feel confused when you say your next line:

Lindsay: "Old-fashioned as it may seem, I still believe in loyalty, not betrayal; self-control, not self-indulgence. Even if I failed to live up to my own expectations."
Brian: "Tell her that."
Lindsay: "She refuses to listen. She thinks because I fucked Sam that I'm no longer a lesbian."
Brian: "Well, you know what a stickler for detail she is."

I'm snorting, because that's hilarious, but I stand by my assertion that fucking a guy does not change your lesbian-ness. Lesbianism. Lesbianhood. Whatever. Especially not the hood.

Brian tells Lindsay to get the hell out if it's over, and not to stay together for the "sake of the children" because it didn't work when his parents did it.

Deb's house — Deb is packing. A suitcase, that is, as much as I might wish otherwise. She's a frantic packer like me: she can't think of anything else while she's doing it. So she can't really listen even though Carl keeps trying to tell her (or ask her) something.

The doorbell rings; Em goes to answer it. It's Ted, paying back the money Emmett loaned him during his crystal days. It's kind of moving: Ted is so, so much more likeable when he's geeky. He tells Em he's not going on the Liberty Ride and makes a bunch of lame excuses about his job and his plants and his meetings. Then he reveals that he's really worried about being tempted to do drugs again, and he says it like he means it. You're okay, Ted.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Ben is helping Hunter get his new bike ready for the ride:

Ben: "Gears lubed up; seat nice and tight..."
Hunter: "I'm gonna ride it, not fuck it."

Michael arrives home; he tells Ben that Carl asked him for Deb's hand and that he gladly gave it to him; "After all, that's what two people do when they love each other, right? Get married?" This statement seems to put an idea in Ben's head. Forget it, Ben: you can't actually marry your novel, no matter how much you love to gaze at your own words. Some things really are outside the definition of marriage.

Brian's loft — Justin is making sure he and Brian have everything they need for the ride. Brian says he thought Justin was going to L.A. to "huddle with studio heads." To make sure this happens, Brian pretends he's changed his mind about the ride and is not in good enough shape, but of course Justin's not buying it. Brian tells Justin to go ahead and "sacrifice his future: now that's what I call charity."

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Michael is giving Mel and Linds every phone number he can think of in case something goes wrong with the baby while he's gone. Michael says the kid is lucky: he'll be coming into such a warm and loving home. I'm too busy looking down Lindsay's shirt to catch the irony.

The Liberty Diner — Deb is making sandwiches. They all have meat in them: are vegetarians not allowed to go on the Liberty Ride?

Carl shows up; he's still trying to talk to Deb, but she has no time. Carl, this should be a sign to you to start cultivating patience now: you're going to need it.

Ted's apartment — Ted is trying to get his cat, Lupe, to come out of the closet. My cat is gay too; well, actually, I think she's transgendered, or possibly trans-specied. Nah, forget all that: she's an alien.

Emmett shows up with bags of spandex: he's bought clothes for the Liberty Ride because, like the awesome friend that he is, he's decided to go along to help Ted resist all the chemicals. These two are so cute in this episode!

The Liberty Ride sendoff — Everybody's there, picking up their box lunches and securing their bikes on trucks. Brian shows up, pretending he's just there to wish everyone well. He tells Ben, Michael, and Hunter to drive safely and to be sure to use their hand gestures, which of course prompts Hunter to make an obscene one. That looks ad-libbed; Brian's giggling. I think maybe an hour of behind-the-scenes stuff might be more entertaining than the actual show.

Suddenly Melanie shows up, and everyone screams at her for not staying in bed the way she's supposed to. Selfish, indignant Mel: you rock, and I still don't know how anybody could cheat on you.

Carl finds Deb as she's getting on the bus; she's still in a hurry, of course, so after the doors close he finally proposes. Deb hears him, gets the driver to open the doors, and lets Carl make his speech, and of course she says yes. When he puts the ring on her finger, her response is classic Deb: "Fuck." Okay, now that you're getting married, it's time to adopt: I'm available!

Ted pulls up in a cab just as the bus pulls away; but of course Emmett is there to stop the bus and welcome Ted aboard. It's all so damn treacly. I love it.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay screams at Mel for scaring the shit out of her; she's come home to an empty bed and no idea where Mel might be. Mel says yeah, go ahead, Linds, make it all about yourself. So they fight, and it's just nasty and icky, and the pregnancy pillows that Michelle Clunie is wearing make her look really weird when she sits on the couch.

Somehow, in the midst of all of this insufficient screen time and inarticulate screaming, it becomes kind of plain to me that these two are tired of fighting with each other, but not really done with each other yet. Or that even if they are done, there's still some genuine love left between them. That must be coming from how Michelle Clunie and Thea Gill feel about each other, at least partly, because it's one of the deepest displays of complex emotion we've ever seen on this show.

Lindsay: "We can't go on doing the all-female version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. It's just too exhausting. You can't forgive me, no matter how much I apologize and try to make it up to you, and I'm starting not to care. I mean, after all, how many times can someone reject you before you finally just give up?"
Melanie: "So what are you saying?"
Lindsay: "That perhaps it's best for both of us, and for Gus and the baby, if we aren't together. That we stop putting each other through needless hell, trying to repair something which obviously can't be fixed."
Melanie: "I think you're right."
Lindsay: "I'll stay until after the baby's born."

Well, dammit. The cold treacherous stillness of the scene is way too authentic, and reminds me too much of my own heartbreaks. Let's go back to being two-dimensional and boring, please!

The bus — Deb shows off her ring, and Ben still has that glimmer in his frog-like eyes. He finally decides that the bumpy bus is the perfect setting for a proposal. Michael doesn't answer.

Part of Ben's rationale for the proposal is the fact that the Liberty Ride goes from Toronto to Pittsburgh, which is an inside joke (since QAF is filmed in Toronto). Of course, it's also stupid of Ben, because getting married in Toronto is not necessarily a good idea for U.S. citizens.

The big time — Justin is at Brett's house, where there's lots of coke and even more pomposity. Boring, boring, boring. Randy Harrison, you've had incredibly crappy storylines this season. But your Q & A on sho.com is pretty fuckin' awesome.

Toronto — Our heroes marvel at the sights and sounds of Toronto, including Church Street, which they say reminds them a lot of Liberty Avenue. Bwah ha ha!

Deb says it's just the same as Pittsburgh, "except here, everybody's so fucking polite and refined, you could shit."

They go into a bar called "Moosie's," which gives Deb a case of "gay-ja vu" because it looks so very much like Woody's. Michael says he keeps expecting Brian to walk in, and so of course Brian does. He finally reveals that he's doing the Liberty Ride.

Emmett shows up with a cute guy named Jean-Claude, but the sad look on Ted's face makes Em send JC away.

A strip show starts; apparently they've inadvertently crashed a stag party for a couple of guys who've been together 32 years and are finally getting married. That's sweet. And it points out yet another benefit of being gay: you get to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party.

Michael tells Brian that Ben proposed.

Brian: "Well, I hope, while he was down on his knees, he did something useful."
Michael: "It was beautiful and heartfelt."
Brian: "I'm sure. But you declined, of course, because deep down you still love me best."
Michael: "Shut up. I didn't give him an answer yet."
Brian: "Well, what's stopping you? Besides the fact that it's the most pathetic idea I've ever heard."
Michael: "It just so happens that a lot of gay men want to get married."
Brian: "Darling, have you seen them? And since when did you ever have the least interest in getting married?"
Michael: "I didn't. But not because I didn't want to. Because I never thought I could. It wasn't a story I told myself, like straight kids did — you know, that someday I'd meet that special person, and we'd fall in love, and have a big wedding. It was never real for me. And then all this stuff started happening: in Massachusetts, and California, and here..."
Brian: "And all of a sudden a whole wide world of wonderful opportunities opened up. Vows and rice, and registering at Pottery Barn. Not to mention an acrimonious divorce, an ugly settlement, and having your kid hate you. Listen to me. Are you listening?"
Michael: "I'm listening."
Brian: "We're queer. We don't need marriage. We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We fuck who we want to, when we want to: that is our God-given right."
Michael: "But it's also our God-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are."
Brian: "Well, you're a writer. Rewrite the story."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, fags and dykes, was a cursory, barely thought out, woefully inadequate, yet rather entertaining primer of gay marriage.

Michael decides it's good enough for him, and says "I do" to Ben. He has to repeat it about three times before Ben gets the message, but then the way Ben kisses him is really quite nice.

The movie studio — Brett is shocked to find out that the studio head isn't turned on by the idea of a Rage movie. Justin gives a little speech about what it's like to get your head bashed in and get butt-fucked (one is good, the other isn't). He also says that having no apologies for who you are or regrets about your life (like Rage) is not arrogant, but honest and brave.

Yeah, I'm sure that will make all the difference to a guy who's wondering how the flick will sell in Topeka. Whatever.

The big fat gay wedding — Ted and Emmett are sniffling; Deb says this is the last time she goes to a wedding with two queens. Ben and Michael are appropriately giddy and dopey as they say their "I do's." When they get to the "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit, Deb says to Brian, "You say one word and you're gonna be holding more than your peace." This is my kind of wedding: lots of jokes and snide comments, and everyone's wearing jeans. Too bad Hal Sparks still doesn't seem to know how to kiss a guy.

Emmett is surprised that Ted is so sniffly:

Emmett: "God, you barely shed a tear at Mel and Linds's ceremony."
Ted: "Well, they're dykes, for chrissakes. They shake hands and go bowling. How much can you get choked up?"

Ted, you're such a lesbophobe. But that was funny.

Ted's also feeling choked up because he can't help but wonder whether that could have been him and Em saying their vows, if he hadn't screwed up. Emmett reminds him that the fact that they're friends means they'll probably be together a lot longer than most married queers.

The Ride — Everyone's on their bikes, and Brian appears to be sponsored by Seven Cycles. Deb tells him to be careful, but I don't think anybody needs to worry about Brian.

Ben and Michael have little "Just Married" signs on the backs of their bike seats; Emmett has a little pink basket on his bike (no, not that basket) and tassels on the handlebars! It looks like there's some sort of chicken in the basket. Everybody looks so happy and gay, and who wouldn't be, with Haircut 100's "Fantastic Day" playing in the background? That settles it: I'm moving to Toronto tomorrow.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK:

Well, the preview at the end of the episode had no audio, but next week is the season finale, so you can guess what's going to happen: everything, all at once, and in a way that makes you glad the season's over and yet ready for the next one to start.

More QAF recaps available here.