THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Do people actually think spinning is cool?
   Don't look at me. I'd rather spin wool.
2. Is anyone on the planet not in love with Emmett?
   No!
3. Can you help me understand the Melanie/Lindsay stuff?
   Hey, I'm just the recapper. But if you want to read something thoughtful about it — and want to know why this show can't help any of us understand anything — read Sarah's article about the whole fiasco.
4. What did Deb's T-shirt say?
   There were three: one said "Home Sweet Home" and had a picture of a motor home on it; one said "You wish" in what looked like a Peanuts font (maybe it had a Peanuts character on it too, I dunno); and the other said "hug a homo."

A note — Today is Independence Day in the U.S., but the QAF writers are declaring their dependence on tired storylines. I wish I'd declared my independence from recapping this show, but I can't: I'm still Showtime's bitch. I'm even hooked on Dead Like Me now. How I long for my 6-channel childhood!

Parent/teacher conferences — One of Hunter's teachers commends Michael and Ben for doing an "excellent job" with their "extremely bright" son, despite the fact that Hunter's a smartass and lacks discipline. Hey, if those are the criteria, I could be Ben and Michael's son too.

Out in the hallway, Ben and Michael run into Callie's parents. Who's Callie, you ask? Well, that's what they wonder at first too, so Callie's parents say, "Our kids are seeing one another." Ben and Michael pretend they knew that, and then we get these funny introductions:

Callie's dad: "Steve Leeson."
Callie's mom: "Amber Morgan-Leeson."
Ben: "Ben Bruckner."
Michael: "Michael... Novotny-Bruckner."

Awww. And then it all gets too cute as they ooh and ahh over their kids and decide to get together for "an evening" sometime. Michael and Ben look like they've just been invited to a party by the cool kids.

The doctor's office — The doctor has his hand under Brian's gown — and is probably the first guy to feel indifferent about the situation.

Doctor: "How does that feel?"
Brian: "It'd be a lot better with poppers."
Doctor: "Try to describe the sensation."
Brian: "It feels as if someone is rotating my artificial ball."

The doc is insufficiently amused. But he gives Brian a fairly promising prognosis. Brian wants to know when he can resume his normal life of recreational drugs and copious amounts of alcohol, but the doc isn't amused by that either. So Brian adds "going to the gym" and the doctor says some light stretching and mild cardio are okay.

Brian: "Doc, I'm a fag. I don't go to the gym to be healthy: I go there to look good. Light stretching and mild cardio are not gonna cut it."

The doc tells Brian to take it easy, and reminds him that he's not 21 anymore. Brian smiles like he's just eaten glass.

The Gay and Lesbian Center — Mel is pacing, which looks kind of funny because you don't see pregnant women doing that very often. They're all discussing the fact that that Jeffrey Pendergrass dude ran off with their money, and so now they're $25,000 in the hole. But Ben and Mel insist they have to go ahead with the ride, because Liberty House (the AIDS hospice) is depending on them. They'll just have to find another way. Hmm, I wonder what (or who) that might be?

A sidewalk — Emmett is mourning the great sex he had with Boyd. I think he says something about a "10-inch battering ram," but I'm not trying to hear that. But Ted is there to listen, although I can't decide whether he's jealous or concerned for Emmett — either way, he doesn't seem to be having a great time. And just as Emmett decides he doesn't want to say or hear any more about Drew, there he is — Drew, I mean, on the bus stop, on the bus, on a billboard, and in his underwear, of course. I mean that Drew is in his underwear in the pictures, not that he's in Emmett's underwear. Oh, you know what I mean.

And when Em sees the billboard, he whines a little, and starts sort of shuffling along in a wounded way, and says "Gouge my eyes out now." An old woman passes by and puts some change in his swishy extended hand, and says "poor thing!" — because Emmett is wearing shades, and acting like a weirdo, and for all that woman knows he could be blind or having a seizure or both. Yeah, maybe you had to be there, but it was funny!

A birthday party — All the happy lesbians and their happy children are there, and Mel is pretending that this is indeed the happiest time of her life. Lindsay shows up a bit late. The host offers her fruit punch, ginger ale, or vanilla soy drink.

Lindsay: "I wish they'd lower the drinking age to five; I could sure use a scotch."

The shiny happy lesbians congratulate Lindsay on the Auerbach show. Mel says, "You can't imagine how attentive she was, tending to his every need."

You go, Mel: I don't blame you for that one bit. But in the kitchen, Lindsay confronts Mel and they spit at each other for a while. Umm, this is a bad place to have this conversation, ladies. But have it they do:

Melanie: "I know which team I play on. It's not a choice or a preference; it's who I am. It's who I've always been. A rug-muncher, a muff-diver, a cunt-lapper, a bull, a lezzie, a dyke."
Lindsay: "What do you think I am?"
Melanie: "Don't ask me to make up your mind for you. You have to do that all by yourself."
Lindsay: "I'm a lesbian."
Melanie: "Not if you're having sex with a man, honey. While I'm pregnant, yet. I don't know which betrayal to never forgive you for first."

And then I have this little internal dialogue:

Enlightened ScribeGrrrl: "Mel, you should be smarter than that. Sleeping with a man doesn't make Lindsay not a lesbian."
Knee-jerk ScribeGrrrl: "Who cares? It makes her someone Mel doesn't want around anymore."
Enlightened ScribeGrrrl: "But why? It's infidelity, plain and simple, and Mel cheated on Linds once too and expected Linds to forgive her."
Knee-jerk ScribeGrrrl: "It's not the same kind of betrayal."
Enlightened ScribeGrrrl: "It's exactly the same."
Knee-jerk ScribeGrrrl: "But Sam is so gross and such a jerk!"
Enlightened ScribeGrrrl: "Oh, so if Linds had slept with Johnny Depp or Drew Boyd it all would have been okay?"
Knee-jerk ScribeGrrrl: "No. Never mind: what about the fact that Mel is pregnant? Huh?
Enlightened ScribeGrrrl: "You're right: that's evil. She should feel terrible about that, and it's more than enough reason for Mel to kick her out."

Too bad nobody can interrupt my inner dialogue the way the host of the party interrupts Mel and Linds. The host says something about being a raving bitch while you're pregnant; Mel seems to briefly consider that as a possibility.

A sidewalk — Look: a gaggle of gays! Ted, Ben, Brian, Michael, and Justin are talking about the AIDS ride thief. They also talk about Brian not being able to go on the ride, even though he's right there while they talk about him, and Ted says he doubts Brian would donate his backside to charity. Ben gets all serious and high-horsey again and reminds them that it's not just for charity because any of them could end up at Liberty House.

Deb's house — Deb is staring out the window like a character in a campy version of a Hitchcock flick. A black Hummer has been circling the block. Deb wonders whether Vic had some sort of double life, and now the CIA or the Mafia or some foreign government has decided to rub her out. Emmett says "no" in his cute I-love-you-even-though-you're-insane kind of way, and tells Deb to go out the back way so he can go out the front and distract them. Deb says she's going to tell Carl about it just in case.

As Emmett sashays down the sidewalk, the Hummer follows him. Emmett finally knocks on the window and tells the driver that if he's planning to accost him, "you should know they don't call us screaming faggots for nothing."

And then the driver rolls the window down, and of course it's Drew, and he tells Em to get in. Emmett tries to resist him, but gives in and gets in, and Drew tells Em he misses him and asks whether they can go to the motel. First Em says yes, but then no, because "this isn't the Atkins diet: man can't live on meat alone." So Drew says fine, they'll go out, and Emmett looks like he must have looked on Christmas morning when he was 6. They kiss, and I'm rooting for them in spite of myself.

A red bedroom — Hunter and Callie are making out. It gets kind of intense, and underwear starts to come off, and then Callie wonders whether Hunter has a condom. Hunter decides he'd better tell Callie what she's risking with him. Hunter, you're a good guy.

And Callie takes the news pretty well, but of course she wants to know how he got it. He hesitates; so she says he doesn't have to tell her, and then they have sex anyway. I can't figure out who Callie reminds me of: maybe Brenda on Six Feet Under. Only in appearance, of course: she's not nearly that deep nor that cool.

The Liberty Diner — Em is looking at pictures of Drew Boyd in magazines. Ted tells him he must shift his focus, but Emmett reveals that he and Drew are going to go out, and seems to also think he's going to be able to help Drew come out, which is just hopelessly naive, and so very Emmett. Ted looks uncertain, or maybe just jealous again, though I'm not sure of whom.

In the corner booth, Mel is reading; Deb asks her whether she's planning on having the baby there. Apparently Mel has been there since breakfast, so Deb decides to practice being a meddlesome Grandma and asks Mel what's up. Mel confesses that she and Lindsay are in "real trouble," but Deb says she doesn't want to hear about that:

Deb: "Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. What matters is you're about to have a baby. And that's all that counts. So it's up to you to make things work."

Yay, Deb is truly back!

Liberty House — There's that bad actor again, and I still hope he's some sort of famous guy, because otherwise I can't figure out why they put him on this show. The hospice guy is talking to the Remson Pharmaceuticals guy — Brian has brought him there for a tour, in an effort to convince him to sponsor a rider. And so the Remson guy agrees to do so, to the tune of $100,000, and Brian promises him that the rider is "an amazing athlete and a renowned humanitarian." Is he also an ad exec?

Red Cape Comics — Michael is putting on cotton gloves so he can bag up a valuable comic. Fine, but why haven't you figured out that the ones you keep hanging in the window are fading faster than you can say "Captain Astro"?

His cell phone rings; Hunter answers it and says it's Callie's dad. Michael acts like a Stepford husband and arranges for Callie's parents to come over that night at 8:00. After that happy hallway conversation, we know it's doomed.

Brian's loft — Brian and Justin are having amazing sex. Afterwards, Brian reveals that he's doing the ride, and Justin says he can't because he's not well, and also reminds him that he hates bicycling, camping out, all forms of charity, and the Gay and Lesbian Center. But Brian wants to do it, and that's the only reason that has ever convinced him to do anything.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Well, this is awkward: they're having dinner and being nice to each other. They talk about termites and annuities and other grown-up things. Mel is being very civil and says she confirmed some plans with friends. Lindsay takes that as good news and gives Mel a kiss and tries to snuggle with her; at first Mel starts to respond, but then she pushes Lindsay away and tells her to stop it. She explains that she's just trying to hold things together, and says Lindsay must be expecting miracles or amnesia if she expects forgiveness. Mel starts to blather on about not being able to "satisfy" Lindsay, but this time the baby interrupts the fight; Mel says "something feels wrong."

Babylon — Everyone's there, and Emmett walks in on Drew's arm. He introduces Drew to his friends, and then they hit the dance floor, and the biggest clue that it's all a dream is the fact that Brian actually looks a little jealous. It's too bad it can't be real, 'cause it's kinda sweet, and nobody's eye makeup looks as good under the strobe lights as Emmett's does.

In reality, Em and Drew are at a restaurant, and even though it's one of Philadelphia's nicest, there's nobody else there. Emmett asks Drew if he bought the place for the evening, and Drew says it's better that way because otherwise they'd be interrupted by fans every two minutes. Poor Emmett.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Our boys are getting ready for their evening with Callie's parents, who arrive looking very glum and announce that they're not staying. It turns out they've read Callie's journal so they know that Hunter's HIV positive. Ben and Michael insist that Callie and Hunter can be perfectly safe, and that they would have talked to Callie's parents if they'd known things had gotten so serious. Callie's parents say they don't want Hunter to see her again. Hunter gets pissed off about the whole thing, of course, and starts swearing, so Michael sends him to his room. Then Callie's parents ask how Hunter got it — why the hell do people think they have a right to know that? — and Hunter storms back out of his room and says he'll tell them everything.

The hospital — It turns out Mel went into early labor, and now she'll have to be on bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy. What could be worse, or more like QAF, than being locked up with the person you don't want to talk to? Perfect. The doctor tells Lindsay to keep Mel in bed, and tells Mel that she's lucky she has such a devoted partner. Arrrggh.

Spin class — Brian is there to train, but in the long run he just can't keep up, even if the place is "Babylon on wheels." He hobbles out of there like an old man.

Deb's house — Em is on the phone with a new client; his call waiting beeps. It's Sierra, and of course Em looks like he's ready to puke on his pretty floral shirt.

A restaurant — Sierra tells Emmett that she's upset, and Emmett tries to stay calm, and then Sierra reveals that her wedding planner has quit. Good thing this woman is not able to see the relief on Em's face. Anyway, she wants Em to plan her and Boyd's "perfect wedding," which could not be more twisted.

High school — Callie is not happy to see Hunter. Her parents told her that Hunter used to be a hustler, and now she can't stop picturing him with all of those guys, even though Hunter says he only "thought" he was gay. She walks away and Hunter stands and stares after her. Poor kid.

The Liberty Diner — Ted and Justin show up to tell Brian they've heard about the $100,000 Remson donation, and to tell him that means he doesn't need to worry about doing the ride now and should go take a nap. Brian gets pissed, of course, so they leave, and then Deb gives Brian some good advice. She remembers how Vic used to "dig deep down into some unfathomable place in himself" when things got rough, and would tell his disease to fuck off. Does anybody rock harder than Deb?

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Michael has helped Lindsay move the bed down to the ground floor so Mel doesn't have to climb any stairs. After he leaves, Mel gets right out of bed to get a bottle of water, but Lindsay stops her. Mel says it's "funny" that they're stuck together. Lindsay agrees: "Achingly."

The motel — Emmett tells Drew about his conversation with Sierra (luckily, he refused the wedding planner gig) and wonders when Drew is going to tell Sierra what's up. Drew doesn't want to, of course, because he's the golden boy who's got everything, and there's no reason for him to give anything up. Emmett gives his own speech:

Emmett: "You know, everything you said made perfectly good sense. And I'm sure most people would agree with you. Why tell anyone? Why lose everything when it can be your little secret? But see, it was different for me. Everyone could tell who I was from the start, which, believe me, didn't make my life any easier. I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit on from day one. Which in a way was worth it, because I've never had to live a lie. And I'm not about to start now. Not for you. Not for anyone."

And then he leaves, and I'm sure you heard my applause. I like to see Emmett in love, but more than that, I like to see him with his head held high.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Hunter doesn't think anyone will ever love him. Ben and Michael try to comfort him. Poor Hunter!

Brian's loft — Justin wonders where Brian is going; Brian lies and says he's going to Babylon, but he goes to the gym instead and has his own private spin class. That's right, Brian: you're still the guy with the balls.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Hollywood calls Michael and Justin; Ben gets all romantic and so does Carl; Lindsay and Melanie are still fighting. It's the next to the last episode before the "unbelievable" season finale. Can't we have a "mundane" or "ordinary" season finale, just this once?

More QAF recaps available here.