THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Why is Emmett letting himself be used like that?
   Because he's a big nelly bottom!
2. Why did this show wait until the end of the season to get good?
   To torment us, of course.
3. What did Deb's T-shirt say?
   "You are NOT staying over."

Kinnetik — Drew Boyd is there for his underwear photo shoot, but he's feeling shy. Brian reminds Drew that he's under contract:

Drew: "I'm Drew Boyd: I call the shots."
Brian: "Except when I have the ball."

The ball! Snicker. Drew decides to confide in Brian: he says he feels uncomfortable standing around in his shorts. Brian reminds him what things are like in the locker room, but Drew says that's different because everybody's naked. So of course Brian knows just how to fix that: next thing you know, everyone's in their underwear. Ted is wearing some shabby-looking boxers... it would have been funnier if he'd been wearing tight briefs with some sort of animal skin pattern on them. But then I'd have felt too sick to finish the recap.

Ted is also sort of covering his nipples, which is hilarious -- what is he hiding? Does he have a nubbin like Chandler?

The love nest — Emmett and Drew are lounging around in their bliss. Em starts to get up because he thinks Drew will want to run off as usual, but Drew sorta wants to cuddle.

Emmett: "Wow, what's the world coming to? First a kiss, then sticking around; next thing you know you'll be asking me to the big game."

And at that, Drew drops Emmett's hand, and Em knows he has said too much. It's weird; Emmett is so fabulous, it seems like he'd never stand for this kind of closeted thing, but I guess it must be worth it somehow. Just to make that point very clear, we get another shot of Drew's ass. That's enough already!

Ben and Michael's apartment — Hunter's home late, so Ben and Michael are suspicious. Michael immediately suspects that Hunter is out hustling again. Ben is all wait-and-see in his smug annoying Zen way, while Michael is more the School of Deb "rip his balls off" sort of parent.

The gallery of grotesqueries — Sam is back for more. This time Lindsay's not interested.

Sam: "I want to see you."
Lindsay: "I can't."
Sam: "Why not?
Lindsay: "Why not? Try 'I'm married.' I have a child, and another one on the way. Oh, and did I happen to mention, lest we forget, that I'm a lesbian?"
Sam: "And did I happen to mention that you sure don't fuck like one?"
<other annoying comments snipped>
Lindsay: "What happened the other night was a mistake. A huge mistake."
Sam: "Was it?"
Lindsay: "Yes, it was. Look, Sam: you inspire me, you challenge me, you make me laugh. I admire you so much. I guess I got confused and crossed a line I shouldn't have."
Sam: "When I was a kid, I didn't respect the lines. In my coloring books, I always crossed the lines. Didn't obey the rules at all. I don't think that's always such a bad thing."
Lindsay: "For an artist, no. But for a person... sometimes it make sense to read the manual and follow the instructions, dull as that may sound to you."
Sam: "What about the part of you that secretly yearns for something else? The part of you that both of us know is there."
Lindsay: "My house has many rooms. I occupy but a few. The rest go unvisited."
Sam: "Who said that?"
Lindsay: "I did."

You did? Hmm, it sounds more like Emily Dickinson. Anyway, Sam seems wounded, which gives me an evil sort of glee, but I think the problem is that you did visit one of those unoccupied rooms, and it won't easily be restored to its former state. Or something like that -- I'm no Emily Dickinson.

The AIDS hospice — Michael, Ted, and Mel are donating some of Vic's stuff and talking about a new event coordinator. The guy at the hospice sounds weird when he talks. Is he famous or something? Famous for something other than acting, I mean, because he's not very good at that.

The Liberty Diner — Deb is shocked to see Em reading the sports page. Then Bob, a cop, comes in and asks Deb whether she'll be going to the policemen's ball with Carl. Wah! Emmett chimes in and asks whether anyone can go to the ball. The cop goes off to a table and Em asks Deb if she'll go to the ball with him. Yay, go, go! Em guarantees he can make Deb look fabulous.

Kinnetik — Lindsay confesses her sins to Brian. He's sympathetic and clear-headed:

Lindsay: "I love Melanie."
Brian: "Sure you do."
Lindsay: "Then how could I have..."
Brian: "Fucked a guy?"
Lindsay: "It's not possible."
Brian: "Anything's possible. It's explaining it that's the tricky part."
Lindsay: "But I've always been... "
Brian: "A carpet muncher."

And who says you're not still a carpet muncher? Brian knows she can still be one, and there can still be a part of her that "doesn't object to a stiff prick" every decade or so. And with his warped sort of wisdom, he explains that it's okay to like cock and it's okay to like pussy -- just not both at the same time. Never mind all that: he also tells Lindsay not to tell Mel about it, which I think is absolutely the right advice.

Red Cape Comics — Hunter needs 20 bucks. Michael reveals his suspicion that Hunter is hustling again; but Hunter says, "If I was hustling, would I be asking you for 20 bucks?" Michael's not convinced, so Hunter gives in and says he's been dating someone. Michael's excited, of course, and wants to know why Hunter didn't just say so.

Hunter: "You know how kids are at my age. We're trying to develop a sense of self, which often manifests itself in a reluctance to communicate with parents and other authority figures."

Ha ha! But uh-oh: Michael calls Ben and says "Our boy has a boyfriend." Foreshadowing, anyone?

The policemen's ball — I can't decide who's prettier: Deb or Emmett. Carl is there and is surprised to see them. Deb says she's always had a soft spot for men in uniform, to which Emmett adds, "And I've always had a hard spot." Yep, Emmett's prettier! Carl introduces his mousy, boring date, who looks sort of like she's wearing wallpaper, and who refers to Deb as "colorful." Well, if by that you mean alive, then yeah, she is, but I'm surprised you know that when you see it.

Emmett goes to get them all drinks. Carl and Deb are awkward and obviously still very taken with each other. "Three Times a Lady" starts playing, which reminds me of that joke Ellen DeGeneres used to do: "She's more than a woman: she's a clock radio! She's once, twice, three times a lady!"

Carl's boring date comes back, and so does Emmett, with two drinks for Deb. Aww.

Babylon — It's a kickoff for the AIDS hospice fundraiser, so briefly referenced earlier -- apparently they're doing a bike ride. Ted and Justin are collecting pledges and registering riders; Justin says one guy offered him $1000 if he'd show him his cock. Ted says, "I hope you said yes," and Justin waves a check in reply. These cute little slice-of-life things were missing for several episodes this season, so it's awfully nice to see them again.

Ben and Mel, the upstanding citizens, make some speeches. Then the hot-shot fundraiser, Jeffrey Pendergrass, dazzles the crowd. Brian is not impressed and decides to confront the guy at the bar: he wonders how Jeffrey can afford to provide free drinks for all of gay Pittsburgh, and whether the money wouldn't be better spent to keep the hospice open.

A car — Hunter is making out, with a girl. You didn't see that coming for miles, did you? Of course not. Hunter wonders whether his two dads will be cool with it. His girlfriend says, "Well, they don't expect you to be gay just because they are." That is indeed the question.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay is feeling guilty. Good. She doesn't want to have sex with Mel. Not good. Mel apologizes for being a "horny pregnant lady." Don't apologize, Mel! Just go get Lindsay some more hot tea, and dump it in her lap.

The Liberty Diner — Deb wants to know how to get Carl away from the wallpapery woman. Ted shows up with an extra ticket to the big game. Don't do it, Em! But he decides it will be fine: how could Drew possibly see him there? Deb asks whether Ted can score an extra pair of tickets so she can take a "friend." You go, Deb!

Kinnetik — Jeffrey Pendergrass is there to ask Brian for money. He ends up threatening Brian, suggesting that if he doesn't get contributions from his clients, everyone will think the clients are homophobic and that Brian is insensitive to the needs of the gay community. Dude, do you really think you can out-maneuver the master maneuverer?

The big game — Emmett can't take his eyes off his boy Boyd and wonders how he's managed to go so many years without seeing a football game. Carl and Deb are there, swearing and smooching each other, although Carl insists it's just as "friends." C'mon, Carl, be honest with yourself already.

And of course, because this show is so startlingly unpredictable, Drew's wife is right there and recognizes Emmett. She asks Em and Ted and Carl and Deb to hang around to say hello to Drew after the game. Emmett, get the hell out of there! Pretend you're running for the, um, whatever, the end zone or something. I'm as clueless about football as you are, which is very un-lesbian of me.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Hunter finally tells his dads that he has a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. Ben and Michael are stunned and almost repulsed, which is actually funny.

After the game — Drew is not happy to see Emmett. He kisses his wife in front of Em just to be a jerk. Do not break my boy's heart, stupid Drew!

Jeffrey Pendergrass's hotel — An expensive suite and expensive champagne -- Brian says it seems like "charity work is where the big bucks are." Jeffrey thinks Brian is there to offer up his clients' money, but he's actually there with another sort of goods: the fact that Jeffrey has been sued by an AIDS organization in Denver. Jeffrey tries to wiggle out of it, but Brian doesn't back down. Rage shall not be swindled!

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Sam is there to say goodbye. Linds walks him to his car, where he asks her to go with him. Oh, geez, we're supposed to think that this guy actually has a heart? Lindsay tells him to "just stop," but he's not listening. He wants to show her how much "more" there is to her, but Lindsay says that even if a "very tiny part" of her wanted something else, she chooses to stay with her family. Good riddance, Sam the jackass! Lindsay exhales, and I'm almost moved.

Deb's house — Carl has brought Deb a melon, which Deb says is "very strange, but sweet." These two are cute. Carl gives Deb another friendly smooch, and Deb says "it could be a little friendlier," so they share a full-out snog.

The hotel room — Emmett waits for Drew. And waits. And waits.

Ben and Michael's apartment — The two gay daddies wonder whether it's just a phase and maybe Hunter just hasn't met the right boy. Okay, it was sorta funny at first, but let's move on, shall we? It makes no sense that these two wouldn't understand that teenagers have to figure out who they are, and that gay parents are just as capable of understanding straight kids as straight parents are. Why the hell do I even have to say this?

Woody's — Em and Ted are watching Drew on TV. Emmett tells Ted he's been sleeping with Drew, and that he was actually starting to fall in love with the guy before Drew dumped him. Sniffle. Poor Emmett!

The hospice — Brian is donating an expensive chair. The hospice guy tells them that Jeffrey Pendergrass has skipped town and taken the donations with him. Brian looks around and clears his throat. Rage to the rescue!

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Mel is on her way to Lamaze, without Lindsay -- which is news to Linds. Mel reveals that she saw Linds and Sam saying goodbye, and that she knows, because "you don't live for someone with 9 years and not know." Her eyes shine as the tears start to come.

Lindsay: "What's important is it reconfirmed for me that this is who I am. That my life is with you and Gus. And the baby. That I still choose you."
Melanie: "That's very convincing testimony. But I'm not so sure that I still choose you."

Mel turns and leaves. Lindsay shakes her head a little, and nods a little, and seems not to be able to breathe. Roll the credits. You know, I still wish I hadn't had to suffer the trauma of last week, but Lindsay did a pretty good job with the pain and guilt and all of that stuff tonight. Whatever; I guess I'm too tired to argue, like Mel.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: More of the same. There are only three episodes left in the season, so I'm sure they'll start compressing all the storylines and send them hurtling toward their tidy little resolutions, that is except for whatever the unresolved shocking thing is going to be. My money's on a Lindsay/Melanie cliffhanger, but I doubt it will be terribly shocking.

More QAF recaps available here.