Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Eight (original air date 6 June 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Why is Brian being so mean to Justin?
   He's not being mean, he's being himself. Justin ought to know that by now.
2. Why is Melanie being so nice to Lindsay?
   Because she's trying to live up to Lindsay's high standards. Make that used-to-be high standards.
3. Why is Ben being so selfish?
   Because he is.

Babylon — Ho hum, more hot guys in sexy underwear. Yeah, I know I have little interest in this to begin with, but don't they ever get tired of seeing the same old thing every night?

Brian's making his way through the crowd; everyone's smiling at him and hitting on him. Ah, the good old days. Then Vic shows up. He's a ghost from the past, there to share his alternative vision of heaven: suddenly the hot guys turn into old guys, some of whom are rather pudgy, which is funny. And it's also ewww -- can I take back what I said about the same old thing? If I must stare at scantily clad men, they'd better be hot.

Vic the Unfriendly Ghost tells Brian that he's become everything he never wanted to be: old, diseased, and imperfect. Wah!

And then Brian wakes up from the anaesthesia.

A park — Ben, Michael, and Hunter are on their bikes, pondering Michael's chance at the big time by way of a Rage movie. Hunter wants to know whether Michael can get him an autographed picture of Cameron Diaz, because "she's fucking hot." Michael wonders whether Hunter wouldn't rather have one of Leo or Toby. Stop it, Michael: love your possibly-straight son!

Ben and Michael part rather frostily, to match the snow in the park. Ben is on his way to mail some more manuscripts. Poor, crappy writer Ben: it's tough to be around Michael's dazzling talent, isn't it? Not to mention all that shiny hair gel.

Headstone shopping — Deb picks out the largest, gaudiest, most terrible headstone they have, because Vic was a size queen. Of course the thing is outrageously expensive, so Michael and Emmett try to stop her, but she's not listening.

The Liberty Diner — Justin is juggling orders and generally failing to cover for Deb. Melanie and Ted are eating breakfast. Mel, you look yummy: can I have you for breakfast? Ted says he thought Jews weren't supposed to eat bacon. Mel says "that law is waived for pregnant lesbians, second Tuesday of every month." I would be annoyed by the hypocrisy if she weren't so cute saying it.

Brian arrives and says his trip to Ibiza was wonderful. Mel marvels at his lack of a tan; he says it rained every day. Sigh. It's going to be raining for a long time if they insist on pursuing this evil storyline.

Justin is happy to see Brian but can't stay to talk because he has class -- yay! So Brian gives him a lift; Ted leaves too, so Mel stays behind and eats all the food she can reach.

Brian's 'vette — Brian starts to make excuses for not sending a postcard or calling Justin while he was away; Justin says he doesn't need the excuses. So Brian tries to prove how much he missed Justin, with kisses. Aww. Hey, what's that cool music you've got playing in your sexy car, Brian?

After Justin gets out of the car, Brian takes his sunglasses off (he's been wearing them since making his entrance, to hide his tired eyes) and watches Justin go, exactly the same way my cat watches me drive away. Sniffle.

Lindsay's job — Linds is trying to get a guy to buy a painting, by talking about luminosity and ethereal whatever. That jerk of an artist shows up -- I somehow seem to have already forgotten his name; how strange -- and tells the shopper that "nobody does titties and behinds better than Renoir." Dude, you could learn a lot from Brian: if you're going to be a jerk, at least be a jerk who's actually funny and charming.

Lindsay watches the guy harass his assistant and looks annoyed, but not nearly annoyed enough. The jerk takes a phone call; it's his "estranged" wife, whom he calls a bitch and a whore. He explains that he's estranged from all his ex-wives, and that if he were smart he'd be a lesbian: "all the pussy you want and no overhead." The worst part about all of it is that it doesn't even make me angry: it just makes me tired. Weary, even.

Tiresome Jerk Artist Dude tells Lindsay that it's so nice to meet a woman who wants nothing from him but to show his work. I want something more from you: I want you to stumble under the wheels of Brian's 'vette. Anyway, then he asks Linds whether she knows how to cook, and then when she's going to invite him home for dinner. Must you, Lindsay? Really: must you?

A swanky restaurant — The producer who wants to make the Rage movie is praising Justin and Michael, probably too much, but I'm happy for them anyway. He assures them that the film will be as edgy, dark, and gritty as the comic book, and asks them who they see playing Rage. "Brian," says Justin. So the producer wants to meet him, of course. Then the producer's cell phone rings; it's Colin Farrell. Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you.

Deb's house — Deb is getting ready to go back to work. Emmett suggests taking just a little more time off, but Deb wouldn't be Deb without the diner, and somebody has to pay for that horrible headstone.

The doorbell rings: it's Carl, Deb's detective boyfriend, or I guess ex-boyfriend, who wants to take Deb out for a bite to eat. She ain't interested. Deb, we like Carl -- give him another chance!

Brian's loft — Justin is blathering about the movie deal while Brian gets undressed for a shower. Justin notices that Brian's moving rather carefully as he gets out of his trousers, and wonders what's up; Brian claims to have pulled a muscle in Ibiza. While Brian's taking his shower, the phone rings: it's the oncologist, of course, and Justin hears the message he leaves. Brian, I would scold you, but I know you're really just protecting yourself, and I can't say I blame you. But if you don't want your boyfriends to ask questions, you shouldn't bring the smart ones home.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — The Tiresome Jerk Artist is there for dinner. Mel is gracious and tells Sam (oh, that's his name) how great Lindsay's art is, and of course he wants to see it. So they go up to the attic. Yeah, the last time we were in Mel and Linds's attic, Leda was downstairs waiting to have a threesome. Anyway, Sam doesn't have much to say about Lindsay's art, until Mel shows him a sketch of a homeless man. Lindsay is a bit proud of that one herself, and Sam seems to consider it rather seriously.

Whatever.

Michael's comic book shop — Justin wants to know whether Michael knew. "Knew what?" Yeah, you don't need me to help you imagine this conversation. And the ending is as stupid as you might expect: Michael and Justin agree not to let Brian know that they know. I know you are, but what am I?

Kinnetik — Brian is trying to lead a meeting, but he's too ill. He excuses himself; Ted follows him and offers sympathy, but Brian snarls at him. Ted tells Brian he doesn't have to be so testy. Testy. Punny!

The Liberty Diner — Deb is back at work, sort of. She can't really keep up with everything, yet she's taken a double shift. Emmett is there to defend her as the unruly customers begin to grouse, but there's only so much he can do.

And just in time, a friend of Vic's shows up to tell Deb how sorry he was to hear the news. And how much Vic looked up to her, and all sorts of other heartbreaking things, until Deb breaks some dishes over it as well as her heart.

Deb's house — Michael and Emmett try to convince Deb to take some more time off, but do you think she's listening this time? Of course you don't.

The Gallery — Lindsay is still flattering, and flirting with, Sam the Jerk. And he's doing the same right back.

And so (deep breath) he tells her to try drawing something and so she wonders what to draw and he suggests she draw whatever inspires her and she says she'll draw him and he takes his clothes off and lights a cigar and she looks far too stimulated and far too impressed by the size of his... cigar.

Babylon — And oh, another comment about the size of someone's penis. At least this time it's warranted, because they're having a contest, and there are no lesbians in the audience.

The Hollywood guy is there and agrees that Brian is the personification of Rage. Brian excuses himself to go console the "losers" of the contest.

Ben shows up to complain about not getting published and to compare his effete elitist novel to the kind of "mindless entertainment for 12-year-old boys" that the Hollywood guy does, rather than something more "socially responsible" and "relevant."

Hey, Ben? Shut the fuck up.

Michael gives Ben a mean look. Michael, you should say what I said: it would have more effect. Or it would at least give me something to cheer about, and we all sorely need that, even though this episode is quite a bit better than recent weeks. Harrumph.

Justin pretends to have food poisoning so he can take Brian home, because Brian's looking tired.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Michael decides that Ben is really just jealous of his success. When did you figure that out?

In his bedroom, Hunter looks sad, because Hunter's two daddies are fighting.

Brian's loft — Justin has miraculously recovered from his food poisoning; he takes care of the larger-than-life man who begins to look smaller and ill. Yeah, this is getting to me. And of course it's getting to Justin too.

Ted's apartment — Michael has spent the night at Dud's place. Dud wakes him up with a croissant and some funny-ness. Remember when Dud had that stalker-ish crush on Michael? I'm glad they were able to get past that and be good friends. This is a surprisingly sweet scene. Dud tells Michael that he can't make himself a failure in order to make his relationship a success, or something equally trite, but it comes across as heartfelt. Awww.

Michael's comic book shop — Michael and Justin say goodbye to the Hollywood guy and then talk about Brian and how they can't tell him how concerned they are about him. Oh, c'mon, boys: be a man. Or, um, men, I guess.

The police station — Emmett is there with his most fabulous self -- look at that hat! -- to ask Carl to try to get through to Deb. Carl looks hilarious, and incredibly ordinary, next to my beloved Emmett. Em tells Carl that "at a time like this, a girl needs a man." Hee. Go, Carl, you can do it! Save Deb from herself! And let Emmett give you a few fashion tips!

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay is painting over that drawing of Sam, or something. She should spray paint over it with smelly black spray paint. Melanie sees the spark in Linds's eyes and is nice and encouraging and loving, but it's wrong, wrong, because Lindsay is way too happy with that damn Sam. Mel, please run away now and come to my house!

Brian's loft — Michael and Brian are eating Chinese food and smoking pot. Pass the dutchie! They're having one of their great bonding moments -- the essence of this show, if you ask me.

They reminisce about high school and talk about Rage a bit... Brian is not impressed with the Hollywood crap. He does some funny delayed-reaction pot gestures: nicely done, Gale Harold. Also, nobody looks better in an ordinary white V-neck T-shirt than you do.

Brian arranges himself comfortably in Michael's lap (for a nap, not for anything else!), at which point Michael starts to sniffle. He confesses that he knows all about it, and of course Brian doesn't know what to do but comfort Michael, because these two are the definition of friendship.

Michael lets slip that he found out from Justin, which pisses Brian off.

Deb's house — Deb is watching the shopping channel, phone in hand. The doorbell rings: it's Carl, there to rescue her like the solid guy he is. These two should get married already, dammit. Deb says she looks like shit, to which Carl replies, "Hey, I've seen you first thing in the morning, remember?" Awww! Great. Couple.

And Carl breaks through, and Deb sobs, and says she'll never be able to tell Vic she's sorry, and Carl says, "He knows, sweetheart," and there is much rejoicing.

Ben and Michael's place — Hunter confronts Ben about the fighting. Ben says it doesn't concern him; Hunter says, "The fuck it doesn't." Right on, Hunter! I take back my assumptions about you: you're a pretty cool kid.

Michael gets a contract in the mail, plus a picture of Cameron Diaz for Hunter. Michael says he's gonna do the film thing, and Ben bothers to congratulate him. "Let's eat," says Hunter. Amen.

Brian's loft — Justin has brought movies for a night in. Brian tells him and the movies to get the fuck out. Yikes.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Justin fights for his right to take care of Brian; Lindsay continues to dabble in art and heterosexuality; somebody attacks Emmett and the recapper considers giving up.

More QAF recaps available here.