Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Six (original air date 23 May 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Why me?
   That's my line.
2. Can you sum up this episode in seven words?
   Life's a bitch, and then you die.
3. Remember those great characters called Lindsay and Melanie?
   Vaguely. They must have moved to Massachusetts, because I haven't seen them in months.

The pre-show PSA — I'm always happy to see Emmett -- and his puppeteer, Peter Paige. But this is not fun: he's telling me about AIDS. Yes, it's an important message, but it's weird when he echoes himself saying "We can stop the spread of HIV and AIDS." Anyway, to learn more, here's the web site: http://www.knowhivaids.org. (Look, it's a PSA in a recap of a PSA!)

Kinnetik — I've been spelling this wrong: I'm so uncool. Brian's having some sort of launch party or grand opening or whatever for his new business. The cool cocktail segues are kind of entertaining as we go from conversation to conversation, but wouldn't it be funnier if it were more like Laugh In?

Somewhere in the midst of all the glitter and glamour, Brian gives Lindsay a check to pay back the money she donated to the "Concerned Citizens for the Truth." But I thought she actually did get money from everyone on Liberty Avenue for that: is she gonna pay everyone back? Or just keep the extra for that kid, what's-his-name, who's about three or four?

Also, we find out that the lesbian mom custody case is already over, and they all lived happily ever after, and Melanie is even more pregnant than she was last week and still blindly reciting the serenity prayer with Ted. And Emmett and Deb are now roomies; and Vic and Deb are still fighting; and Ben is still smarting because his publisher rejected him and so have I. Next scene, please!

Oh, one more thing: Brian does that cool rub-the-glass-on-the-champagne-bottle-till-it-pops thing. Sexy.

The Liberty Diner — Vic is trying to get Deb's attention, but she's ignoring him. She tells the other waitress -- a new one named Betty, because aren't all waitresses named Betty? -- to take his order, so she tries, but Vic just wants his "fucking sister." Hey, Vic: don't take it out on Betty! She's kind of cute. Might we possibly have another lesbian on the show? Nah, that's crazy talk.

Michael bounces in with an e-mail from some director who's interested in turning the Rage comic into a movie. Deb freaks out and starts shrieking about how famous her son's going to be, and then has to sit down because she's hyperventilating. I think that I'm experiencing a similar symptom, only I guess it would be called hypoventilating, because this show is so boring I'm forgetting to breathe, and I could easily water all the plants in my house with my drool.

Michael tries to convince Deb that blood is still thicker than marinara and she and Vic need to make up. Deb, forget all that and stand up: I can't quite see what your T-shirt says this week. Hey, speaking of marinara, remember that one T-shirt you had that said "You say tomato, I say fuck off"? Sigh. Those were such great times.

Lindsay's job — Lindsay is reading a newspaper article about a hot-shot artist named Auerbach -- a guy who's "always evolving and always challenging himself." Do I detect a bit of foreshadowing -- is it time for Lindsay to evolve and challenge herself? Or is she just going to start reading the newspaper every day?

She asks a guy named Sidney -- her boss, I guess -- whether they should try to get Auerbach to hang some stuff in their gallery in conjunction with the mural he's doing for something or other. Sidney says no way, we're not that evolved and challenged, but Lindsay decides there's no harm in asking. You know what else there's no harm in? Fucking Melanie until she howls, so that I can remember why I watch this show. It sure as hell isn't in the hopes of evolving and challenging myself.

Also, the last time I saw someone trying to get a hot-shot artist to do a show, the someone was Jennifer Beals and she was having an artgasm (^TM the brilliant minds at TWoP) in front of Holland Taylor. That was so, so much better.

Kinnetik — Justin is bragging about his nascent -- or is it latent? -- movie career. Brian is happy about it too: now Justin can finally pay him back for all of that wasted tuition money he borrowed. So if Justin goes back to school and Ted is now back to being an accountant, what's next? Is Michael going to go back to the Big Q? I know: let's pretend it was all a dream and go back to the first season. Bobby Ewing lives!

Justin, who is now even more boring than Ted used to be, convinces Brian to go for a drink. Brian, I still love you: even though you're running your own business, your priorities are intact -- fuck now, work later, and combine the two if you can.

Deb's house — Emmett is painting the door bright red, like the fabulous roommate you knew he would be. Deb brings him some hot chocolate:

Deb: "Here you go, honey. I put some miniature marshmallows on top."
Emmett: "I love miniature marshmallows. I've always thought of them as angels' balls."

Emmett, you can paint my front door anytime! Um, okay, maybe not like that.

Deb loves her "fucking red door"; Emmett explains that it's "jungle red," not "fucking red." Hee. These two will be great roommates. I would brag about predicting their new living arrangements without reading any spoilers, but that would be stupid, because anyone with a brain half as big as a miniature marshmallow can predict what's coming next on this show.

A cab pulls up and Ted gets out, looking very Ted-like. He's there with his "making amends" letter for Emmett, but Emmett isn't interested. I don't really blame him: Ted put him through a lot of crap. Still, I know Emmett's a bigger person than this and needs to forgive Ted so he can move on. How else are we supposed to get married?

Ben and Michael's house — Michael and Hunter are watching a plotless action movie directed by the guy who sent the e-mail about the possible Rage film. Ben is at the kitchen table, staring at his inadequate manuscript, pondering his shattered dreams. Ben, you're selfish: stop pouting and be happy for Michael the way he tried to be supportive of you. He can't help it he's got more creativity in his tiny pinkie finger than you have in your big beefy brain.

A building — Lindsay is trying to talk to Sam Auerbach, who is a sort of a lo-carb version of Jackson Pollock or maybe Diego Rivera, both attitude-wise and talent-wise. Lindsay's looking kind of rain spattered and road weary -- actually, she looks pretty great to me -- so Sam is not impressed and slaps the ass of his assistant instead. Lindsay, is this really the first time you've encountered a guy like that? Do you really work in a gallery? And quick: how old is your son? I knew I'd get you with that one.

Rehab — Ted has just been to another group meeting. He's not sure it's doing him much good, but Flakey Blake is there with the platitudes. Ted says the "steps" didn't work with Emmett, and Flake says it's okay because Ted "offered [Emmett] [his] truth." Ted finally pulls his head out of his ass, straightens his spine, and calls Flake's bluff:

Ted: "Well, if that's all that matters, how come you've never offered me your truth?"

On second thought, Ted, that's probably not a good idea: Flake's truth probably has cooties. Ted realizes that too; he throws down the rejected letter to Emmett that he's been carrying around, and shuffles away.

Vic and Rodney's house — Deb admits that she's been overreacting, and she and Vic start to make up. But then it all unravels and she starts talking about everything she sacrificed for him, and Vic eventually figures out that Deb was sort of finding a sense of purpose in taking care of him. They claw and spit at each other and it's tedious, because they both should have come to terms with this by now. Sharon Gless is still awesome, but it's all just tired. It ends with Vic telling Deb not to come back until she can say she's sorry and Deb saying she doesn't give a shit if she ever sees Vic again. And if that's not enough foreshadowing for you, boys and girls, your brain is not half the size of a miniature marshmallow.

Babylon — Brian and Justin are discussing their "extracurricular one-fuck-only policy" and the disadvantages thereof -- mostly the fact that they've had everyone already. They see a new guy and argue over which of them he's checking out. They make a bet; if Justin wins, they go to Ibiza (which Justin pronounces incorrectly), and if Brian wins, Justin goes back to school. I'm rooting for Brian, but the guy who was supposedly checking them out is not at all cute, so it's no fun.

Melanie and Lindsay's bedroom — Lindsay is complaining about the Pollock Rivera wannabe:

Lindsay: "If I wasn't already a dyke, he'd have sent me diving for the nearest muff."
Melanie [opening her legs]: "And it's right here, baby."

Well, that's cute and funny, and Lindsay is getting undressed during all of this, which is certainly enjoyable. But then Linds starts to wonder why the jerk didn't find her attractive, and they have this appalling conversation:

Melanie: "What was the tramp assistant wearing?"
Lindsay: "Did you ever have a Disco Barbie?"
Melanie: "You think I only played with G.I. Joe? Yes, even I, Raging Bull, was indoctrinated at a young age to the straight man's ideal of feminine perfection."
Lindsay: "Well, that's what she was wearing."
Melanie: "There's your answer."
Lindsay: "You expect me to walk around in a spandex dishtowel and a couple of post-its?"
Melanie: "I'm merely giving you the same advice you gave me when Larry Jacobs took over the Arlen v. Arlen case: It isn't right; it isn't fair; it just is."
Lindsay: "Remind me to keep my big mouth shut."
Melanie: "Look: he's a man; you're a woman. Gay, straight -- it doesn't matter. We all have our powers of persuasion. If you want something out of him, you've got to play his game, because he sure as hell isn't going to play yours."

You know what? I'm sure as hell not going to play your game. That is the biggest load of self-loathing heterosexist bullshit I've ever heard from two so-called lesbians, and you both deserve whatever dire consequences you've wrought with your pathetic tendency to spout mindless Cosmo girl psychobabble and your evil, evil way of simultaneously teasing me with your hotness.

Michael's comic book shop — Ben is still jealous of the whole movie deal thing. Ben, you look like a bow-legged frog and I'm tired of you. Plus, did you hear those stupid things Melanie said?

Deb and Emmett's house — Emmett is wearing an adorable corduroy cap while he gardens. Flake shows up with the letter Ted wrote and insists that Emmett take it so they can all move on. That's what I said, but in a much less flakey blakey way.

The gym — Justin and Brian are still trying to pick up that new guy. Well, Brian is, at least -- Justin is too distracted by the phone numbers he's been getting in response to his "perfect twink physique." Brian puts the moves on Shane, the new guy, and Justin notices just in time to recruit another guy to tell Shane that Brian has crabs. Bwah ha ha!

The mural — Lindsay's back, but these time she's wearing fuck-me boots and too much makeup and her hair looks ridiculous. Pollock Rivera Lite responds, of course, and starts to feel her up. She responds by smushing paint in his face, and then tells him she's happily married, to a woman. This turns him on even more, so she punches him when he suggests a three-way. But it's an empty victory: when she calls him "the most repellent man I've ever met," I suddenly feel like I'm watching a poor imitation of a Douglas Sirk melodrama and I know we're all doomed.

Let me state this for the record, if anybody's still watching this show and reading these recaps: I don't really care whether Lindsay's gay or straight or bisexual, if it's consistent with her character and her "evolution," whatever that might be. But in order for something to be "in character" for her, she's gotta have a character first, and that's not going to happen if we only see her in reaction to Mel or her job or that kid that lives at her house. So to the writers, I say whatever: stop tossing my girls from one outrageously dramatic plot development to the next in the hopes that they'll suddenly become three-dimensional. Give them a few dimensions to be in or leave them the fuck alone so they can fuck.

Vic and Rodney's house — Michael and Emmett are delivering some pots and pans that Deb has thrown out of the house. They find Vic; he seems to be asleep, but they can't wake him, and I'm not going to rant about that. Vic was a sweetheart and I'll miss him, and it's sad.

The Liberty Diner — Michael has the hard job of breaking the bad news to Deb. She can't really register it, of course. I think this is going to be a long haul for her, and I'm certain Sharon Gless is up to the task. Too bad the writers aren't.

Remember that episode of Buffy called The Body, in which Buffy's mom died? That was the most realistic, and most harrowing, representation of grief I've ever seen. Part of its strength came from the fact that we knew Joyce as more than just a sounding board or a stereotype; that's not as true of Vic as it should have been, so we're stuck feeling hollow and feeling sympathy for Deb. Which of course is bad enough, but it's not what I'd call powerful. I know they're trying to make a point, and I get it: AIDS is still a brutal killer, and not enough people are paying enough attention. But if I hadn't already known that, I'm not sure this show would be conveying the message adequately.

Babylon — Justin is hitting on that guy Shane, who is starting to think it's a really friendly town. Brian shows up and tells Justin that Vic is dead. Justin thinks he's joking, which only proves that he doesn't know Brian half as well as I do. Hey, at least Goldfrapp is playing in the background: great stuff.

Deb and Emmett's house — Deb is still looking frozen and shocked. Hunter looks kind of scared, which is more emotion than I thought the kid was capable of showing. Brian and Justin arrive and Brian puts everything into perspective as usual. He reminds them all that Vic was on his deathbed four years ago, and everything since then has just been gravy. All in all, says Brian, it could have been a lot worse and Vic was "fuckin' lucky." Deb doesn't take this well; she slaps him hard and kicks him out. The look Brian gives her says a lot; those two have a solid connection that neither of them has ever doubted, and if anyone can help Deb get through this, Brian can.

Outside, Linds and Mel pass Brian and Justin on the sidewalk and say something trite and boring.

Back in Michael's old bedroom, Ben calls Brian an insensitive prick; Michael disagrees and says Vic would probably agree with Brian. But Ben doesn't want to hear Michael defend Brian again, and is still in selfish mode, which is a great way to try to console someone. Michael is focused on helping Deb, because he's not a jealous bow-legged frog.

Ted's apartment — Flake shows up and decides to offer his own truth, which is that he wants to kiss Ted. So he does, and Ted foolishly kisses him back. It's gross, and not because they're not very cute, but because Flake nearly killed Ted once, and Ted should be kicking his frosty-tipped ass right out the door. Oh, what the hell: go ahead and bond over your addiction. What else have you got going for you?

Deb and Emmett's house — Em tells everyone they can go home because he'll take care of Deb. Awww. He offers her some tea and TLC, she starts to talk about the fact that she told Vic she didn't care if she never saw him again, and that her last words to him were "fuck you." Okay, when you put it that way, this really is tragic.

Emmett goes to his room and finally reads Ted's letter. Forget him, Em: he's probably blowing Flake while you're reading that!

Babylon — Brian's fucking that new guy Shane, who turns out to be a doctor. He tells Brian to give him a call: "You've got a lump on your left testicle. If I were you, I'd have it checked out." What the hell? Now I see that the problem with the Vic tragedy is not that we didn't know Vic well enough: it's that this show keeps trying to be a soap opera but is too much soap and not enough opera, which is weird considering it's so queer.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Vic's funeral and party; Brian sees the doc; Ted thinks about seeing Tina again.

More QAF recaps available here.