Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Five (original air date 16 May 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Is the Pink Posse stuff over YET?
   I think so. Maybe. We live in hope.
2. Could Ben's shirt have been any tighter?
   No.
3. What did Deb's T-shirt say this week?
   "I can't see dead people."
4. What was going on in that preview for next week?
   I don't know, but I'm guessing the hype will be recappable with two words: no payoff.

Kinnetic (Brian's offices) — Brian is still enjoying his head honcho role. Wait — where Brian is concerned, "head honcho" might mean something else entirely. So let's just say he likes being on top. Yeah, that sounds a lot less sexual.

Ted is there too, in his new job and his old accountant-y look, which is rather nice to see. He has lots of papers for Brian to sign.

Brian: "I can think of so many more interesting things to do with my right hand."

Ted has also written a letter to Brian: it's part of "making amends." Brian calls it a 12-step Valentine.

Brian tries to call Justin, but Justin isn't listening to reason yet.

A shooting range — Justin is, however, listening to Cody, who's teaching him how to put a bullet right between the eyes — and he doesn't just mean between the nonexistent eyes of paper targets. The so-called actor who plays Cody (I refuse to learn his name) actually gets worse every episode. How is that possible? And how is it possible that Justin is actually enjoying this little shooting lesson? Justin, you need to focus on the kind of shooting Brian's interested in teaching you. It's so much less dangerous.

Cody helps Justin improve his aim by encouraging him to give the target the face of someone who "deserves" a bullet between the eyes. I don't know about you, Justin, but I'm picturing Cody.

The Liberty Diner — Michael is showing Ben the storyboards for the latest issue of Rage. In this one, Rage is telling a homophobe to "suck on [his] own dick," and yes, that means what you think it means. Deb doesn't like it — gratuitous "man sex" is fine with her, but not gratuitous violence. Ben defends it by saying something vaguely academic-sounding but mostly meaningless, and Deb says, "Well, maybe so, but he's still got his dick stuffed in his mouth." Why hasn't Deb been crowned the queen of the fucking universe yet?

Vic arrives. Deb wonders where he's been and when she'll get to see his new apartment. He makes some lame excuses about being busy and says she'll be the first official guest, which of course makes her inordinately proud and foreshadows heartbreak.

Ben hopes Michael will be honest with him about his book. What? Oh, that's right: you were working on that in the pre-Hunter days. How I long for those. Actually, how I long for the first couple of seasons of QAF, when the characters were three-dimensional and true to themselves, the sex was edgy, and the lesbians had more screen time. Well, except for that last thing, because that's never been true.

Michael looks very uncomfortable at the mere mention of Ben's book. It can't be that bad: it probably doesn't include any pictures of guys with their dicks stuffed in their mouths.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay is helping her son brush his teeth, sort of. She never gives the kid her full attention: one of these days she'll notice he's been missing for three weeks, and then this show will finally realize its dream of becoming a Lifetime movie.

While Lindsay pretends to be maternal, Mel rationalizes the decision she made last week: to stay on the custody case no matter how bad it might be for her clients and so-called friends. Lindsay emphatically agrees, of course, because you should never, ever disagree with Melanie. She'll just hop on her bike and go find someone to sleep with and smoke with, and then where will you be? On your knees with a toothbrush and a kid you don't recognize, that's where.

Lindsay: "You don't have to convince me. There's a bond, a sisterhood, that some people simply can't understand."
Melanie: "Mainly men."

You tell 'em, sister. Never mind that the only things I really have in common with you are a J.D. (okay, mine's pending) and digging chicks. I have that much in common with Bill Clinton, but you won't see me buying cigars anytime soon.

Wait a minute: look at Melanie's belly! Last week she was barely showing, and now she's stretching the seams of her shirt. Oh, that's right: lesbian time on this show is necessarily compressed time, because if it weren't, Mel and Linds would still be having a conversation they started during the first season. When you have precious little screen time, you gestate double-quick.

Emmett overhears the conversation and wants to know which "men" she means; Melanie explains that she's talking about her partner. Emmett says those "high-powered aggressive Jewish lawyer types" don't do it for him — except for Mel, of course. Hee.

Emmett is moving out. Lindsay tries to say "go in good health" in Yiddish. Mel chuckles and says "Close enough." Be nice to her, Mel: she's half-raising that kid, and you probably know even less about him than she does. Also, she's looking kind of foxy in this episode.

Lindsay also tells Gus to wave goodbye to his "Auntie Em," which is adorable.

Justin and Daphne's apartment — The eyeless paper target with the bullet hole in its forehead is now on the wall. Thom Filicia would not approve, and neither does Daphne. She reminds Justin that he hates guns. Try reminding him that he has a brain.

Daphne -- hey, Daph, call me when you turn 21, okay? -- knows that Justin was probably visualizing Chris Hobbs when he shot at the paper target. Justin relates the story of his bashing. You mean Cody didn't know all of that already? Huh. Well, maybe he did, but this way Justin has the opportunity to say that he still hasn't stood up to Chris Hobbs. That's a bad thing? You should avoid that guy the way Cody avoids thinking.

Em's new apartment — Michael and Brian are impressed, but Brian notices that the spiffy decor resembles that in his loft: "Did I fuck your decorator?"

Michael is distracted by the "big fat lie" he told Ben:

Michael: "I finished his book three days ago. But I told him I'm still reading it."
Brian: "That's it? That's the big fat... ? No. A big fat lie is 'I won't come in your mouth.'
Emmett: "Just don't come on the sofa."

Ewwww. And ha ha!

Brian tells Michael that he has to be honest with Ben, or they won't have a real relationship. You know, that's the thing I love about Brian: he's always honest. Except when he's going to come in your mouth.

Melanie's law offices — Larry, Mel's partner, is having a meeting with Mel's clients — but without Mel. She's surprised, of course. The clients/friends make some excuses. Mel just ducks out of Larry's office so she can lick her wounds. There are so many better things to lick, Mel. Start with that pseudo-mother who lives in your house and props up your rationalizations.

The clients/friends finish each other's sentences just like Melanie and Lindsay do. Must all lesbians on TV be conjoined twins? Yeah, I know it's kind of realistic, but there should be a few anti-reality shows left on TV. Hmmm: if this were The Amazing Race, Melanie and Lindsay would bicker all the time and stab all the other teams in the back, and Mel would steal the straight girls from their boyfriends. Actually, that would be more interesting.

Michael's comic book shop — Michael is trying to figure out what he'll say to Ben about his book. As Michael is practicing his lines, Ben walks in and wants to know what the next line is. Michael finds one excuse after another in order to avoid the conversation. Finally Ben locks the door of the shop, and Michael lies and tells him he loved the book. Poor Michael: that's an awful spot to be in. I will never ever ever ask anyone to read my writing again.

Brian's loft — Brian is playing with Justin's gun. No, really -- Justin has a gun now, compliments of Cody. Brian tells him how stupid it is, of course, but Justin is still hell-bent on being a "gay avenger":

Justin: "We're trying to stop violence before it happens."
Brian: "By starting it?"
Justin "You know, you wouldn't think it was so funny if you were the one who'd been bashed."
Brian: "Nobody said it was funny."

Brian, you can rule the universe alongside Debbie. Just make sure she gets to wear the crown.

A store like Bed Bath & Beyond — Em and Deb are shopping: Em is queering up his apartment and Deb is looking for a housewarming gift for Vic and Rodney. Whilst fondling candles and linens, they talk about how lonely it is to live by yourself. Wake up, you two: I noticed this opportunity for cohabitation in the last recap, and I was half asleep at the time.

Deb finds some dishtowels with roosters on them: "Perfect for a couple of old cocks."

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay has asked Brian to help her whip Melanie, um, into shape:

Lindsay: "I tried talking to her, but she wouldn't listen. Now she refuses to leave the bedroom."
Brian: "Well, eventually they come out to feed, but if I were you, I'd lock up the livestock."
Lindsay: "Brian!!"
Brian: "Why the fuck did you call me? I have no practical skills whatsoever in talking lesbians out of trees."

First: Brian, you're hilarious, and I love that you're so loyal to Lindsay. Second: If I could get Mel to refuse to leave the bedroom, I'd be a happy happy recapper.

No, scratch that: Mel is sitting on the bed doing her nails. Doing her nails? Lindsay, is that actually enjoyable for you? Never mind: this is one of the best Brian scenes so far this season. He's sarcastic and right about everything as he lectures Melanie. He picks up a stuffed sheep and says, "Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you." Mel proceeds with her tirade about how her partner has stabbed her in the gut. At some point Lindsay reveals that she agrees with Brian's philosophy — which is that "it's business" — and of course Mel storms out.

Brian caps the scene with his trademark snark: "At least she's out of the bedroom."

Before I forget: Michelle Clunie, you're pretty fabulous. Your voice sounds all shaky and choked up when you get emotional, and you've just done more acting in two minutes than that Cody guy will ever do in his sad little lifetime.

A construction site — Cody has looked up Chris Hobbs and is forcing Justin to talk to him again. Chris, of course, is just the same as he was the last time we saw him, which doesn't make much sense. We've been led to believe that Chris Hobbs is a golden boy, and for most golden boys, even a little bit of trouble with the law is enough to make them seek trouble with new prey, rather than the same old targets. That doesn't mean they're sorry, of course; it just means they're interested in self-preservation, and I wish I could say the same for Justin.

Ben and Michael's house — Hunter has decided that Holden Caulfield is a "fag" because a "catcher" is a "bottom." I don't think I need to say anything more about that.

Ben and Michael are going dancing to celebrate Ben's book. Ben's shirt is extremely tight — I suppose that's a gay thing, but he really just looks like what the British call a "medallion man."

On their way out, Ben says Michael gave his book a rave review. Hunter says, "I thought you said it was a snooze." Oops.

Vic's house — Deb is there with her housewarming gift. Surprise, surprise: Vic and Rodney are having a little party; never mind the fact that Deb was supposed to be the "first official guest." Vic tries to get her to stay, but she says she doesn't attend parties she's not invited to. Deb, if you were at my house, there'd be a party every day, and you'd be the guest of honor.

Emmett's pad — Emmett's trick managed to shoot right onto the fancy new sofa, so Em is honing his spot removal skills. The trick talks about his roommate and how great it is to live with someone and how he would never, ever want to live alone. I don't know what stinks more: the trick's jizz on the sofa, or the complete contrivance of this scene.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay is in her bathrobe, eating granola and waiting up for Mel. Mel's still in a huff when she gets home: she says Lindsay has "betrayed" her. No, I think you mean "rescued," but you're too stubborn to know it.

Lindsay: "Do you really think I would ever betray you?"

No, I don't! But Mel is another story. She's raving about lesbian mothers defending lesbian mothers, and of course Lindsay points out that it isn't about the principle of the thing: it's about helping friends get their son back. Melanie shuts up for a brief moment. Mel, you're lucky: I wouldn't even let you get that far because I'd be screaming at you for coming home so damn late without calling me to let me know you were okay.

Justin and Daphne's apartment — Daph is not happy that Justin has seen Chris Hobbs again. Cody says he and Justin are going to pay Chris a visit the next day, after work. Why? So you can prove to him that he's actually not the stupidest person on the planet?

Babylon — The Polynesianesque floor show bores me. (Or is it meant to be Roman? Never mind: the loincloths are the point.) Meanwhile, Brian ponders the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and whether Justin may be right to prefer the "eye for an eye" approach. Ben says "there are laws," which of course leads Brian to wonder what you should do when the law doesn't give a shit. Gee, I don't know: work to change the law? Make sure the right mayor gets elected? But I guess Brian wouldn't know anything about that.

Ben says what he's expected to say, about violence never being a moral option — never mind what he said about the Rage storyboards earlier. He just wants to dance with his cute boyfriend and think about how brilliant he is and how tight his shirts are.

On the dance floor, Ben says he wishes Michael had been honest about finding his book soporific. The conversation ends with Ben discounting Michael's opinions and saying, "It's not your fault that you're more Justice League than Ivy League," and I end up wishing Ben's shirt were a little tighter, especially around the trachea.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Mel isn't going to work: what's the point? Lindsay is doing laundry and still playing the supportive wife. Ted shows up with his "making amends" letters; Mel conspiratorially whisks him out the door for a good talk. Lindsay looks hurt, and well she should.

As they walk, Ted sympathizes with Mel's plight. He also admits that he hasn't been able to make amends to Emmett; he doesn't know where to begin. Try starting with "I was a jerk and I don't deserve you." Instead, Ted recites the serenity prayer. Melanie seems to be listening: one can only hope. I like these two together, though: the practical ones, the smart ones, the short brown-haired underappreciated ones. The only difference between them is in anatomy, and no, I'm not just talking about that. Mel has a spine, whereas Ted is only just beginning to grow one. Yeah, Mel is often misguided and headstrong, but there's something to that "act now, explain later" thing. Oh, and the other difference is that Mel is a sheynkayt and Ted is a shlub.

Kinnetic — Daphne is there to see whether Brian can save Justin from himself. We alternate between Brian expressing helplessness and Justin staring at his paper target through atmospheric cigarette smoke. Brian says something about Justin standing up, but we all know he's just falling down. The music in the background is great: as soon as the Princess of Babylon site is updated, we can find out who the artist is.

Melanie's law offices — Mel apologizes to her friends/former clients and says she understands their decision. She offers her assistance and support, and her partner Larry gladly accepts it. Never mind all that: look how great Mel looks in that burgundy satin shirt!

The missing scene — We should see Melanie apologizing to Lindsay for that whole "you betrayed me" thing, but we don't, and I'm sure we won't see it next week either. That's not because Mel's too selfish to do it: it's because the writers are too clueless to write it.

Deb's house — Deb stares gloomily at the TV. Just in time, there's a knock on the door. It's Emmett, looking for company and more than happy to find Deb, her ice cream and her classic films. These two are so great: their hearts are big enough to heal the whole world. Or at least their minds are broad enough to teach the whole world how to chill the fuck out. They talk about guys with big dicks and teeny brains: "the best kind!" Awww.

Ben and Michael's house — Ben has heard from his publisher: the comments were identical to Michael's, except of course they used more pretentious language. Ben, somebody should slap you with a copy of Catcher in the Rye.

Chris Hobbs's house — Cody and Justin confront Chris and tell him to apologize. To help him along, Justin sticks a gun in Chris's mouth, and we're not entirely sure whether it's loaded or not. Justin doesn't pull the trigger — ah, his brain's not entirely gone! — but the day is not saved, because the guy playing Chris Hobbs looks sorry, when he should only look terrified. Chris hasn't learned anything from this: he's merely confirmed his belief that the world is run by fear and power, and the only difference is that the queers are now part of the equation.

Cody yells at Justin for not pulling the trigger and tells him he's a coward and a faggot and a fucking pussy. Justin turns his back on Cody and walks away, strong, purposeful, and (I hope) finished.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Nobody knows, because "they never saw it coming." But it looks like Deb is going to slap Brian and Ted is going to dis Flakey Blake, so it's all good.

More QAF recaps available here.