THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Is Deb going to be okay?
   Don't you worry about it, sunshine. She's a rock.
2. What's wrong with Justin?
   Well, his hair went away, and apparently his brain went with it.
3. What's with all the orange on this show?
   Don't you know? It's the new lavender. Either that, or the color settings on my TV are messed up.
4. What did Deb's T-shirt say this week?
   It said "FCK: the only thing that's missing is you."

A sidewalk outside a clinic — Ted just got an HIV test, and he's asking "Why me? How could this happen?" And of course we're meant to assume that he's tested positive, but he's actually negative, and just stunned by the news. Forget that: he's got bigger problems, because he's there with Flakey Blake.

Flake asks him what he's going to do next. Ted decides it's time for a job. Flake asks him what he would do if he could do absolutely anything he wanted to -- Flake, does that mean that your entire life, you've dreamed of becoming a recovering junkie and a third-rate substance abuse counselor? Or did you just dream of having badly frosted tips? But Ted takes the question seriously, and says he's always wanted to sing opera. Oh, Ted: don't you know you have to start really early for that? Plus you need... hmm, what's the word: talent? But Flake encourages Ted and tells him he needs to do something that will make him happy. I do too: that's why I'm going to start screaming "la la la, I can't hear you" whenever you're on the screen, Flake.

Another part of the sidewalk — Emmett is checking for love handles:

Emmett: "So I've been going to the gym religiously."
Brian: "Is that why you were kneeling in the steam room?"

Heh. Michael tells Emmett he looks fine, but of course that's not good enough for His Fabulousness.

Emmett: "Fine is fine for you two: you each have a husband. [to a scowling Brian:] Wife? Partner? Passing acquaintance? Anyway, for those of us adrift on the sea of singledom, it's 'Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle!'

Right on cue, Emmett sees Ted walking toward him. And then Ted sees Emmett. And they both say "shit." Cue the funny little gunfight-at-the-OK-corral film clip. We alternate between the itchy cowboy trigger fingers and the itchy gayboy trigger fingers.

Emmett turns on his heels (as only he can) and makes a speedy yet graceful exit. Michael greets Ted with a grin. Ted introduces Flake, but both Michael and Brian remember Flake very well, so they don't say anything to him. Much awkwardness follows. Ted and Flake leave.

Michael: "Maybe he feels like we're judging him."
Brian: "I don't know about you, but I am."

Brian, would it make you uncomfortable to know that your biggest fan is a fashion-impaired lesbian who lives in the middle of nowhere and thinks Melanie is hot?

Justin's apartment — The walls are very orange. The Pink Posse boys are finally getting their buzz cuts. That bad actor guy -- Cody -- says it's important for them to look tough and be noticeable. Don't worry, Cody: everyone will notice your complete lack of dramatic flair. Daphne walks in -- hey, it's Daphne! I've missed you, Daph. Justin introduces her as his roommate and explains that he and Daph started the GSA at their high school. Daphne explains that she was the straight half. She then asks if she can join the Pink Posse, but Cody says it's only for queers. So Daphne snarks that she'll just take her straight soda to her straight room so she can do her straight homework. You tell 'em, Daph!

Justin asks Cody why Daphne can't join. Cody makes a speech about queers this, queers that, and says letting heteros in would dissipate the purpose. Is that what happened to your brain cells, Cody? Hetero dissipation? Or just general atrophy from lack of use?

The Pink Posse members pair up. Cody makes a point of telling Justin that he's his buddy. Whatever: are there only four of you? You call that a "presence?" Well, at least you had the sense to hire a dyke to do the buzz cuts.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — There's a kid at a table. Oh: that must be Gus. I have a vague memory of Lindsay having a kid, but nobody's really talked about him lately, so I have no idea whether that's the same Gus, or Gus number 3 or 5 or 12. Lindsay serves up homemade cookies -- hey, why not? She's a wife and a mother: of course she bakes. -- while Michael whines about Ted being so distant.

Melanie has been licking cookie dough off her fingers. Do it again, Mel! But this time, trail it up your torso first, or down Lindsay's, or dip it into... well, what am I supposed to do? Settle for the so-called lesbian content they actually give me?

Emmett, who's still living with the token lesbians, is happy to see Michael. Em starts to dig into the cookies, but Mel and Linds explain that the cookies are for Ted. Emmett gets all huffy and wounded and leaves. I don't really blame him: did anyone bake him cookies when Ted fucked up? Sure, maybe they gave Emmett a place to live and lots of sympathy and support, but where were the chocolate chips and Mel's lubed-up fingers? Those really hit the spot when you've had a bad day.

Brian's loft — Jennifer -- a.k.a. Justin's mom and Brian's realtor -- is talking up some spiffy professional digs for Brian's new agency, "Kinnetic." But Brian doesn't want the same old box, because his agency will think outside the box. He keeps saying "we" in reference to his agency, but last I heard, he was the sole proprietor and lone employee. But maybe he's using the royal "we."

Justin barges in with his new butch haircut. Jennifer is appalled: his hair used to be so "beautiful." Justin tells his mom that he's part of the Pink Posse now, and that in case she wasn't aware, there was a bashing. Jennifer is very aware of that, and very aware that Justin got bashed, and implies that she's also very aware that Justin still hasn't really recovered. What was your first clue? No, not the haircut: maybe his perpetually petulant manner? The fact that he dropped out of school? Or the peanut butter and banana sandwich last week?

Justin says that the fact that he himself suffered an attack is "all the more reason."

Jennifer: "To put yourself at risk... ? Haven't you been through enough?"
Justin: "Don't fucking tell me what to do."
Brian: "Hey, take it easy, Timberlake."

Justin, you're an idiot and your mom is hotter than you'll ever be. And Brian, you get 10,000 points for that Timberlake crack! Um, I mean joke. It seems dangerous to use the word "crack" in reference to anything on this show (except for actual cracks).

Auditions — A guy is singing, or trying to sing, something from The Marriage of Figaro. It's not as painful as some of the American Idol auditions -- shame on you, America, for not recognizing Jennifer Hudson's phenomenal gift -- but it's not a lot better. But the guy has talent, because he's making it just funny enough, and at times he sounds a little like Scooby Doo. Ruh-roh, Rigaro!

Ted comes in to audition for whatever it is they're auditioning for, and bumbles and stumbles his way through the introduction. And then he sings, and of course it's lovely. Scott Lowell's lip-synching, but for all I know he could be lip-synching to his own voice; probably not, since he doesn't look like he knows the first thing about singing, but at least they've found a pretty convincing match. Anyway, it's nice, and I'm rooting for him in spite of myself, and the whole thing makes me want to turn off the damn TV and go to the opera for some real gay culture.

Deb and Vic's house — Vic and Rodney are snuggling in bed. Vic, I'm so glad you have a boyfriend! But I've never quite understood your hair color: is it natural? Or are you sort of aiming to be the poor gay man's Barry Manilow?

Deb barges in: she thought they were all going to watch By Love Possessed on AMC. Leave them alone, Deb: I'll watch it with you! But only if you'll let me take off that wig of yours and mess up your hair, and only if we can act out some Cagney and Lacey scenes, or maybe behind-the-scenes encounters, afterwards.

Debbie ignores the fact that Vic and Rodney were working on their own beneath-the-sheets encounter. She sits down on the bed and reminisces:

Deb: "You know, when I was younger and a blonde, everybody said I reminded them of Lana Turner."
Vic: "It was Shelley Winters."
Deb: "It was Lana fucking Turner."

Ha ha! No, I think it was probably Shelley Winters. Deb talks about the turnovers she was going to make, and Rodney starts to protest, but Vic asks Deb if she can give them a minute. On her way out, she says "Say, you weren't gonna fuck or anything, were you?" Yes, Deb: they had another sort of turnover in mind.

Rodney gives Vic the cold shoulder. Rodney and Vic both have very serious Canadian accents: yay for Canada! The people of Toronto are exceptionally nice, but not fakely so, and they have a great juice bar and vegetarian cafe there, on Queen Street, which is not where QAF is filmed, because that would be Church Street, which is the gay street, and that is one of the great ironies of life.

Ted's apartment — Ted is trying to leave, but Michael is there with the cookies. Ted says "As much as I'd like to O.D. on chocolate..." and Michael says "for a change." Ha! But the scene is mostly a testament to Ted's stupidity, because he's not interested in Michael's overtures of friendship. And even after that becomes clear, Michael makes a moving little speech to let Ted know that he's still there for him. Michael, I take back what I said last week about you being a doormat: you're just a great guy.

Brian's loft — Justin is donning his Pink Posse gear. Brian is as sarcastic and sagacious as ever:

Brian: "This Cody's thought of everything."
Justin: "I remember when my mother used to refer to you as 'this Brian.'"
Brian: "Well, your mom's no fool. She knew her little angel was gettin' himself into a peck of trouble. She's not wrong this time."

Brian wants to know whether Justin is still angry, but Justin says he's not angry, he's committed to saving the world -- just like Brian was when he shut down Stockwell.

Brian: "I didn't do it for the world. Stockwell closed down the back room and forced us to fuck like boring breeders. So don't start mistaking me for Eleanor Roosevelt. I just did what I had to do. For me."
Justin: "And I'm doing what I have to do. For me."

And what's the difference, boys and girls? That's right: Brian did something that helped him get pleasure and fun and release, not something that helped him feed his anger and hate and unleash them on other people.

Michael's comic book shop — Hunter reads comic books and does algebra in the boring way he does everything else. Vic helps him out, because Vic knows how to solve problems -- except for his own. He tells Michael about the triangular situation at home, and is worried that Deb won't know what to do without him. But Michael encourages Vic to get his own life now that he's been brought back from death's door, and knows that Deb would be the first to say that.

Ted's apartment — Ted and Flake are eating the cookies. Ted makes a joke about them being "surprisingly moist" for "lesbian baked goods." You'd think I'd be used to the anti-dyke jokes by now, but I'm not. Maybe the women on The L Word should even the score next season. Oh, wait: that would require them to look past their navels.

Ted scans the want ads. The phone rings, and of course it's about the audition: he got the job, whatever it is. Pass the lesbian baked goods: I'm falling asleep and need the sugar rush.

An alley — Justin and Brian are walking along, talking about the deeds of superheroes: instead of stopping planets from colliding or saving the universe from being swallowed by a black hole, all Justin gets to do is help "fucked up club kids" back to their apartment and help an "old queen" change a flat. They approach a pair of blue doors with an old-fashioned sign above them: BATHS.

Brian: "This is where I get off."
Justin: "It's a little early in the day, isn't it?"
Brian: "No."

But Brian's not there to have sex: this is an abandoned place, scuzzy and dilapidated, and thus of course exactly what Brian is looking for. Jennifer is there to show him the property. Brian takes lots of photos of rusty showerheads and mildewed tile. It's fairly nicely done, actually, with lots of artistic light and atmosphere, and Jennifer is there to pretty it all up. In the "old orgy room," she says "You could make it a conference room" -- and Brian thinks that's perfect for "screwing the competition."

Rigoletto's, the restaurant — Ted is singing while Vic and Rodney eat spaghetti. Ted's secret is out: he's a singing waiter at a substandard Italian joint. Awww.

The Liberty diner — Michael is sharing the news about Ted. Debbie rolls her eyes and says Rigoletto's has "no fuckin' class" while she scratches her armpit. Ha ha! It's like that "Class" number in Chicago -- the song that is the heart of the show and was stupidly cut out of the movie version, and even in the DVD extras they didn't get it right. Anyway, in the process of telling Ted's news, Ben lets slip that Vic and Rodney were at Rigoletto's. Apparently they were supposed to be going to the "Grand Pricks" contest with Deb, so she is not charmed by the news.

Michael suggests they all go see Ted sing sometime. Ben wonders whether Ted would like that, but Michael, being the good-hearted, completely open person that he is, can't imagine why not. Emmett arrives, decked out in orange. When he hears about Ted's new adventure, he gets annoyed again and leaves. Michael follows him:

Michael: "What does my friendship with him have to do with you?"
Emmett: "How can you even say that to me, after what he put me through?"
Michael: "That's between the two of you. Besides, I can't very well turn my back on him."
Emmett: "Why not? He turned his back on you."
Michael: "Well that doesn't mean I should do the same."

Yeah, it's trite. But it's also what we like about Michael, and what we used to like about Emmett. I get that you're hurting, Em, but you're far too fabulous to carry around this pain much longer. What happened to the stuff you learned at the faerie gathering? Show us some of that divine Emmett-y generosity!

Deb and Vic's house — Vic is breaking the news to Deb, who is also wearing orange. And she also wears about twelve emotions on her face when Vic says he and Rodney have decided to get a place together. I wish the Emmy people would notice this show -- well, maybe not the show, but Sharon Gless. She puts on her brave Deb face, of course, and tells Vic that he's "damn fuckin' right" that it's time he moved out. She says she'll be glad, because right now she doesn't have any privacy:

Deb: "I have to close the door every time I wanna go potty, and I can't run down here to the refrigerator in my panties."
Vic: "You do anyway. We've seen you."

Hee! Deb ends up tackling and tickling Vic. Her last word on the subject is that she'll be "just fine," but her voice kind of breaks when she says "fine." Deb, come move in with me!

Rigoletto's — Brian is complaining about the food: "This pasta is so limp, it needs Viagra sauce." Michael reminds him that they're there to support Ted. Melanie and Lindsay are there, supportive as ever, of everyone but themselves.

Ted makes his entrance and starts to sing, but of course when he sees the gang he can't do it. This time it sorta looks like he's actually singing, and not singing. Huh.

Michael, who's always the first to run after people, asks Ted what's wrong. Ted says if he'd wanted them there, he'd have asked them to come, and that if they were really his friends, they'd leave him alone.

Huh? — Suddenly my cable box automatically switches to VH1 Classic, where a stupid '80s music video is playing, with lots of synthesized stuff and people strutting down the sidewalk in slow motion. Oh, no, wait: it's the Pink Posse.

Some homophobes drive by and holler out the car window: "Hey fags! Wanna suck my cock?" Justin and Cody kick the car and make the guys get out. One guy slams Justin against the car; then Cody and Justin and a bunch of other guys tackle the homophobes, knock them to the ground, and pants them. The homophobes get back in their car and get the hell out of there.

Well, I feel so enlightened! All this time I've been thinking that education and equal justice under the law were two great ways to fight homophobia, but all we really need to do is take to the streets and assault people! Everything's so much clearer now.

Brian's loft — Brian's lighting a joint. Justin arrives and tells Brian how he and the rest of the Posse turned some "straight assholes" into "pussies." Justin's feeling all aggressive now, so he undresses Brian and they have sex. Whatever. Let me get the rules straight, so to speak: it's bad to call someone a "fag," but "pussy" is okay? Yeah, I know it's not that simple: I think you're out there trying to beat the memory of your attack out of your head, and you're still feeling empty so you're filling up with rage. Oh, and now you're literally filling up with Rage, as in Rage the comic book hero's real-life counterpart, as you and Brian fuck in a chair. I suggest you spend more time doing that: it will be a lot more healing in the long run.

The gym — Flake shows up and asks Ben and Michael to spot him. Michael doesn't want to talk to Flake, of course. Flake tells Michael that Ted needs some time, and that right now, Ted sees his friends as reflections of the things he wants to forget, and that he'll eventually come around. Michael isn't interested in anything Flake has to say, so he leaves, but Ben understands and offers to spot Flake. Spot the Flake: he's right there, with the dumb haircut and lame platitudes!

Deb's house — Vic and Deb are saying their goodbyes. Sniffle. Deb is wearing orange again: what does it all mean? She sends Vic off with a bag of food and says she's all set up for her Rosalind Russell film festival. Vic is not afraid to feel the moment: he says he always figured the only way he'd leave that house was in a box, and gives Deb a big hug.

Deb: "No fuckin' goodbyes. Besides, we all known I'm gonna be over there buggin' the shit out of you in about an hour."

After the door closes, Deb stands in silence and looks around her empty house. She softly says "Bye."

Brian's loft — Brian is peeing. That is definitely the most disgusting thing I've ever seen on this show. Justin is getting out of the shower. Brian sees the bruises on Justin's back from when the guy pushed him against the car. He starts to try to talk some sense into Justin, and says all he's doing is looking for trouble, but Justin's still on his standing-up-for-himself and defending-innocent-people trip, so Brian gives up.

Babylon — Emmett is dancing. He's wearing his gorgeous eye makeup again. Swoon! Michael and Brian see him and say hello. But Emmett is busy dancing and flirting with a guy named Ramon, so he doesn't want to talk or have a drink. He suggests that Michael call Ted: "I'm sure he'd love to get a drink with you."

Brian tells Michael to get them a couple of beers. While Michael is gone, Brian gives Emmett a good talking-to:

Brian: "Save your diva routine for your world tour. Why did you treat Michael like that?"
Emmett: "Like what?"
Brian: "Like he's an insignificant piece of shit."
Emmett: "What the fuck business is it of yours?"
Brian: "Anybody who hurts Michael is the fuck my business."
Emmett: "Yeah, well maybe he hurt me too."
Brian: "By being friends with Theodore?"
Emmett: "You are the one who told me to forget him. That he's dead. Right here on this very dance floor."
Brian: "Well guess what? Like Jesus, and Liza, and Judy, he's making a comeback."
Emmett: "And now everybody wants to give him a standing ovation, just like nothing ever happened."
Brian: "Listen to me, Honeycutt. Are you listening?"
Emmett: "Yes. I'm listening. And don't call me Honeycutt."
Brian: "Michael is your friend just the same as he is Ted's. But if you force him to choose between you, you're gonna lose him. Oh, and by the way: I fucked Ramon. His dick's the size of a Ticonderoga #3 -- after it's been sharpened. Sorry."

A sidewalk — Cody and Justin talk about how great it is to feel power. Cody says that once "they" hear that the gay boys are not afraid to fight back, they might not come looking: "So we'll just have to go looking for them." Great. Cody makes some stupid analogy to the shame he felt when he was a Southern Baptist and says it's time to go "flush out some homophobes."

Babylon — Emmett stands next to Michael at the bar and orders "what his friend is having." Aww. He says he's thinking of going blonde: "The sort of silvery, platinum shade Madonna was, pre-Blonde Ambition, post-Dick Tracy." Emmett, you make me giggle. Michael tells him that's a terrible idea and they grin and go dance.

A straight part of town — Cody grabs Justin to kiss him so they can get the homophobes' attention. Yeah, I'm sure that's the only reason he wants to kiss you, Justin. Justin resists at first, but then plays along. A guy walks by and says "Christ." Cody says "Excuse me?" and he and Justin follow the guy. The guy says "You fucking fags should all get AIDS and die," which is of course what Chris Hobbs said to Justin way back when, so Justin punches the guy while Cody holds him down.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Cody decides it's time to arm the Posse; Brian hires Ted; Melanie and Lindsay are probably all but absent again.

More QAF recaps available here.