Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Two (original air date 25 April 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. What's the TV-MA for?
   I guess it's for frontal nudity, because it's certainly not for sex, especially not lesbian sex.
2. When is Justin going to get his new scary haircut?
   I dunno, but if they show that preview one more time, I'm gonna start my own Pink Posse.
3. Did Melanie actually go to law school?
   No.
4. Who's the fabulousest?
   Emmett!

Darren/Shanda Leer's apartment — Justin is serving lunch. Darren says "There'd better not be a parakeet in there, Jane," but Justin doesn't get the reference to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? -- much to Darren's dismay. You're a bad, bad twink, Justin! He and Darren talk about the gay bashers: Darren can still see their faces and feel the punches and kicks. Justin gets all optimistic and tries to encourage him, but Darren hopes his bashers get sentenced to life in prison so they can get "fucked nightly by prisoners with AIDS." I could say something about not encouraging stereotypes (with respect to both gay men and prisoners), but some part of me understands completely, so I'll let it go. Justin tells Darren he needs to somehow forget about it. Darren says, "Listen, if you'd been reduced to jerking off with your left hand, you'd want 'em dead too."

You know, I've gotta agree with him there.

The Liberty Diner — Michael is moaning. And even though Ben's right there, he's not the source of the moaning -- Michael is practicing for when Emmett arrives. He figures he can feign impacted wisdom teeth so he won't have to go frolicking in the forest. Deb and Ben remind Michael that he's the good boy who puts everyone else first, and thus he must go with Emmett. Michael refers to himself as a doormat -- well, at least he's aware of it. Ben says that the faerie gatherings have been a topic of discussion in his class and that the founder of the radical faerie gatherings, Harry Hay, is an important dude. I just like saying Harry Hay. Harry Hay. Harry Hay. And yeah, I guess Harry Hay was kind of cool, except of course for his support of NAMBLA. Ick.

Justin arrives and tells Deb that Darren is grateful for the food she's been sending. Ben tells Justin to tell Darren that "we'll miss him at the Center tonight, but we're gonna make sure this never happens again." Oh, really? What are you gonna do: make all the bashers go frolicking in the forest for the weekend? Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Emmett arrives. Michael gets ready to feign pain. Deb, of course, is all in favor of Emmett's big adventure:

Deb: "Are you ready to find your inner faerie?"
Emmett: "When I do, I just hope he looks more like Tinkerbell than Captain Hook."

Michael starts to make his excuses, but Emmett interrupts before he can say anything, and gives a lovely little speech about how he's been going through a tough time and will always be grateful for Michael's love and support. He even gets a little teary-eyed. Emmett, you manipulative, adorable thing! Michael falls for it, of course. He says, "We'd better get a move on, or else these faeries won't get their wings." As he and Emmett leave, Deb teases Michael, making angel-wing-flappy gestures and laughing in her wheezy way. Deb! I couldn't possibly love you more.

Rehab — Ted's still making lame jokes, this time about his brief sojourn home. Apparently he came back to rehab, but he's leaving again, and for good this time, thanks to Blake the "great counselor." Whatever. We all know Flake couldn't counsel his way out of a paper bag (or a dime bag). A cynical member of the group says Ted will soon be back, and as the camera moves around, I get a brief glimpse of a gorgeous African-American woman: what the hell is she doing on Queer as Folk? She should head over to The L Word, where black people actually show up fairly regularly, even if only as stereotypically angry people in group therapy sessions, or as street-smart overall-wearing dykes who will bump you against the door of your office. I need to stop thinking about that.

The cynical guy, Jonathan, says Ted will end up using again. Someone asks Jonathan whether he can be positive; he says he's "that too." Wow. Hey, I think I like this guy: maybe they should write him into the show and get rid of whiny Ted.

Brian's loft — Justin's just getting out of the shower. Brian's on the phone with a headhunter -- no, not that kind of headhunter. He expresses his sarcastic surprise at the job offer he's been given, which is two-thirds of his former salary. He ends the conversation by saying, "You can tell them I'm taking a new position."

Justin: "I can't believe you just did that."
Brian: "Flipped you on your back?"
Justin: "Flipped off that headhunter."
Brian: "I can do better."
Justin: "Doing what?
Brian: "Working for myself instead of other people."
Justin: "But all your clients turned you down."
Brian: "Fuck 'em. I'll get others."
Justin: "What if you can't? You'll be destitute."
Brian: "Since when did you become a Jewish mother? Or Michael?"
Justin: "You're just taking an awfully big risk, that's all."
Brian: "Well, what's one more? Besides, if I don't do this now, I never will."

The Faerie Gathering — The queen registrar, Periwinkle, welcomes Michael and Emmett and tells them they'll need faerie names for this magical place, and that there's a midnight massage in the yurt. Look what happens when gay men go to the woods: they become lesbians.

Slings & Eros, an S/M shop — Brian is trying to secure a new client. But the potential client is busy securing a thong on a mannequin. The potential client explains that the store's advertising budget is only $200 per month, which I doubt is enough for even one of Brian's nights on the town. But Brian's committed to this idea: he'll run a lean campaign. How the mighty have fallen!

Rehab — Flake explains that he and the other counselors refer to the cynical guy as D & G, for "doom and gloom." Aren't you breaking some super smug counselor code of ethics by sharing that little tidbit with Ted? It's clear that Flake wants to share his other tidbits with Ted again too, and I think the feeling's mutual. Flake says something about starting a new life, blah blah blah, and Ted asks if he can give him a call, strictly on a professional basis. Flake says he can call just to say hello. Ted, I don't think you should start a new life: I think you should go back to your geeky accountant life, because then you might have a slight chance of getting Emmett back. "Love of the Loveless," by The Eels, plays in the background as Ted leaves and Flake watches him go. What a waste of a good song.

Brian's loft — Brian's former assistant, Cynthia, is reminding him about the work he did for Remson Pharmaceuticals -- it's a campaign for an antiviral drug, and the people in the ads are super-healthy mountain-climbing people. The ad slogan is "Back On Top." Vance has stolen Brian's idea and will be pitching it tomorrow, says Cynthia. Justin insists that it was Brian's idea, but Brain says, "Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright." Justin holds a banana in his hand and tells Brian he should just come up with another idea. Cynthia approves of this and says Brian can steal the account from Vance. Brian is skeptical and wonders why a pharmaceutical company would trust the campaign to a one-man company. Justin, who has been slicing the banana, says "It's not the size that matters. " Brian says, "Have I taught you nothing?" But Justin is all about vision and getting back on top. Brian says he'll stick with the bottom, a.k.a. Slings & Eros. Brian, take heart: Justin has just made a visionary peanut butter-and-banana sandwich.

The Faerie Gathering — Periwinkle is urging Michael and Emmett to dress appropriately; he offers them some gowns to choose from. Michael says "strapless makes me look fat" and Emmett refers to the gowns as "shmatas." Emmett, you're such a mensch! Periwinkle says every faerie is able to take what's ugly and make it beautiful. Oh, sort of like Queer Eye? I think Kyan would have a thing or two to say about Periwinkle's hair and beard.

The scene changes and Michael and Emmett reveal their outfits. I'm a lesbian, so I haven't the first clue how to describe Emmett's dress or sarong or whatever it is, but I like his turban. He says he looks like Virginia Mayo in South Sea Woman. Michael stumbles into the scene in a kilt and denim vest. He looks like one of those mix-and-match paper dolls, where you put various bottoms on various tops, um, or the other way around, and end up with really weird-looking creatures.

Some other odd-looking faeries show up and tell Michael he looks "totally hot." They introduce themselves as Piston and Wolfen. Wait: is this a faerie gathering or a porn shoot? Michael decides on the spot that his faerie name is "Dumpling." Aww!

Some naked guys are playing volleyball and waving at Michael and Emmett, telling them to come play.

Michael: "That must be the naked volleyball game."
Emmett: "Your powers of observation are remarkable."

Penises are on full view in this scene. I feel very gay. Michael is happy to join the volleyballers, but Emmett decides to stay where he is and shake his pom-poms. This faerie thing doesn't seem to be lighting Emmett's fire.

The Gay and Lesbian Center — Ben and Melanie -- oh, hi, Mel! Are you still on this show? -- are leading a meeting to discuss the recent bashing. Melanie is looking gorgeous as usual, and a bit more butch than usual. She says that she and Ben have talked to the "liaison officer," whom they point out in the crowd -- oh, Mel, I think you meant "lesbian officer." Ben and Mel open the floor for suggestions; Deb says they need more police on the street. A random guy says they've all heard that one before. Lindsay -- oh, hi, Lindsay! Are you still on this show? -- suggests sending a petition to the mayor. Another guy calls for more lighting on the side streets. And a random woman who reminds me a little bit of Tracy, Michael's cute pseudo-girlfriend from the first season, says they should all wear little whistles around their necks. A guy in the back says what I'm thinking: that won't do any good. But then he disappoints me and says they need to start their own vigilante group, the "Pink Posse." Melanie says, "Isn't that taking the law into your own hands?" Mel, you're a lawyer: you can do better than spout clichés. The Pink Posse guy, who's a really bad actor, is undeterred:

Pink Posse Guy: "Which law is that? The one that says you can't get married? That if they find out you're gay, they can fire your ass? That you can't adopt kids? Hell, they can even arrest you for fucking."
Ben: "That was changed."
Pink Posse Guy: "Right. You can now copulate in Texas. Well, yippee-ki-yo-ki-yay!"

Hello? Paging Melanie the lawyer, or anyone who's reasonably intelligent: please tell this guy that Lawrence v. Texas was a Supreme Court case, and there's a reason they call it the United States Supreme Court rather than the Texas Supreme Court. Do your fucking research, dude: you don't have a clue about adoption laws or workplace discrimination laws, whether you're talking about Pennsylvania or the U.S. in general. Try Lambda Legal or HRC or the ACLU -- but before you do that, try pulling your head out of your pink posse. Better yet: talk to a lawyer, but apparently not to Mel, because she's just standing there looking uncertain.

The Pink Posse guy goes on about the fact that black people and Israelis never get called names anymore (again, somebody get this guy a clue), but people still call "us" fags. Did you see the women in the room, dude? Care to include them? No, I didn't think so. Lindsay looks appalled, or maybe she just has indigestion. Or maybe she's speechless because Mel looks so good in her cargo pants.

The Liberty Diner — Deb shows Mel and Linds the newspaper: the bashers have been caught.

Lindsay: "Wouldn't it be wonderful if for once justice were actually served?"
Deb: "Yeah, well, I'd like to serve it to them. Right down their fucking throats."
Justin: "It's all thanks to Darren's descriptions."
Lindsay: "I bet he must feel relieved."
Justin: "More like bloodthirsty."
Deb: "Well, we all know there's nothing more terrifying than a bloodthirsty drag queen!"

Deb, stop stealing the snark!! How am I supposed to make fun of things if you get there first?

Ted arrives. At first everyone's thrilled to see him, but then he starts giving the details of rehab, and everyone starts to lose interest. Deb has to get back to work. Lindsay and Melanie leave too, and then Justin. Only Brian is left. He encourages Ted in his own sarcastic way, and it's pretty fucking awesome. But Ted's too stupid to realize that.

The gym — Brian is trying to get another client -- the gym -- whilst checking out the guys in the gym. Ben and Hunter show up.

Brian: "It's Batman and the new Robin."
Ben: "Better not tell the old Robin that."

Ben is there to teach Hunter how to build his immune system naturally. Hunter sees a hunky ad on the bulletin board and says it looks like he can just take a pill to stay healthy. Ben explains that that's a lot of bullshit. Brian ponders all of this.

The Faerie Gathering — Emmett is looking sort of like Katharine Hepburn in On Golden Pond as he watches some guys fuck on the opposite bank of the bog. Periwinkle shows up and offers him a mushroom; Emmett eats it without thinking twice about what sort of mushroom it is. A dance version of "White Rabbit" plays (somebody e-mail me and tell me who the artist is!) while Emmett stumbles around to low-tech trippy camera work. He's so cute!

Emmett sees an old guy who's making a stone circle. It's sort of like an expansion of the mini Stonehenge prop in Spinal Tap. The old guy asks Emmett to help him and wants to know what Emmett's faerie name is, but of course Emmett doesn't have one yet. The old guy says his name in the real world is Harry. Oh, Harry Hay? Harry Hay? Harry suspects that Emmett doesn't really believe in faeries and that he thinks the whole thing is nonsense. Oooh, pick me, pick me! Emmett confesses that he does think it's all nonsense, and Harry tells Em he's not a proud fairy. Emmett insists that he's very proud and that his flame burns bright, even if it's a little low right now. Harry somehow knows that Emmett's been hurt by someone he loved -- wow, that's amazing! I bet that's almost never true of people who go to faerie gatherings! And anyway, old Harry, I can't figure out your accent. Is it English? Irish? Or are you just a random Torontonian they pulled off the street and told to act kind of British? Harry tells Emmett his outfit isn't very flattering. Stop picking on my boyfriend, Harry! Then Harry says something about the will to survive and whatever. He's finished his mini Stonehenge and refuses to answer Emmett's question about where he can find the faerie spirit.

Ted's place — Ted's checking his e-mail. He has a lot of messages, but they're all from his drug dealer. He closes his laptop and takes out his crystal pipe, reminiscing. Ah, good times. There's a knock at the door. It's Melanie and Lindsay, offering Ted his no-longer-droopy orchid, along with apologies for skedaddling out of the diner earlier. Lindsay explains that the orchid responded to TLC, "tender lesbian care." That's a dumb joke, Linds, but maybe you could demonstrate the concept on Mel sometime so I can have something interesting to watch?

As Mel and Linds unpack the goodies they've brought, they see Ted's pipe on the counter. He explains that he was getting rid of his "triggers" and that it's all part of the recovery. Mel and Linds are skeptical. I'm doubtful that I'll ever care.

Remson Pharmaceuticals — Vance is pitching Brian's "back on top" idea. Brian interrupts with a smile and a tray of goodies. Vance asks how he knew about the meeting; Brian smirks that he's the one who set it up in the first place. Mr. Remson says he likes what Vance has done -- "downplayed the disease." Brian says, "I should be so lucky as to have HIV. Then I too could go play volleyball with my shirtless, hunky buds." Brian, have I mentioned that when you're doing your thing, you're the hottest guy on the planet? Vance threatens to throw Brian out, so Brian makes his own pitch before he goes. He reveals some stark, simple ads that reflect the one word on which he's based his campaign: honesty. The ads say things like, "Some days I feel like hell, but at least I'm still alive." Okay, it's official: I want Brian to run for President. No, I want him to be King.

Darren's apartment — Justin is excited about the arrests and says all that's left is for Darren to "finger" the perps in the lineup, metaphorically speaking, of course. But Darren has changed his mind and doesn't want to identify the bashers, for no apparent reason except a vague sort of fear. Darren, you've just become a plot device. Oh, that's right -- you already were.

Darren reminds Justin that he was the one who suggested "getting on with life." But now, of course, Justin has changed his mind and thinks it's time to fight back.

The Liberty Diner — Ted and Flake are having coffee. Flake, still in smug rehab counselor mode, tells Ted he has to be patient and that his new life will take some getting used to. Ted says he makes his friends nervous. Nervous? No, Ted: that's boredom you were seeing on their faces. Flake starts babbling about the first guy who believed in him and the fact that he never made amends. Gee, could Flake be talking about Ted? It's so subtle, I can't quite figure it out. Ted eventually realizes that Flake is indeed talking about him. God, are we really going to have to watch these two get back together?

Brian's loft — Justin is angrily sketching.

Brian: "Since when did our heroes become the merry butchers of Gayopolis?"
Justin: "Someone has to do it, since fags are too cowardly to stand up for themselves."
Brian: "Somebody's pissed off."
Justin: "You would be too, if you got your head bashed in."
Brian: "Yeah, I know. I was there."

That makes me sniffle. Justin's prom, and the aftermath, was truly amazing TV. But that was then: now Brian is telling Justin to channel his anger into his work so he can be a success, because nothing pisses off a straight guy like a successful fag. Justin brings up Guernica, and says it's not powerful because it's just sitting in a museum collecting dust, and that his comic book art is the same sort of thing. There are so many things wrong with that statement, beginning with the fact that Guernica was powerful enough for U.N. officials to censor it last year.

Ted's place — Ted, with the help of Flake, is getting rid of his triggers: dildos and porn, mostly. Silly me: I thought those were toys, not triggers. Also, they're expensive! Don't just throw them out. Ted starts to throw out a picture of Verdi, but Flake says Verdi has to stay because he was there the first time Ted played La Traviata for Flake. Then Ted throws away his computer. Yep, he trashes his laptop because his laptop is full of trash. Ted? Have you heard of a little thing called reformatting the hard drive? Cancelling your broadband service? Or, at the very least, recycling or donating the damn thing? Give it to me: I promise not to use it to look at pictures of naked men or buy crystal meth. But I can't guarantee that I won't use it to make fun of Flake, or that I won't do a little online shopping for "triggers."

Flake offers to stay there so Ted won't get so lonely -- he'll sleep on the sofa, of course. I don't think there's much danger: the only chemistry these two ever had between them was GHB.

The Faerie Gathering — Some guys, er, faeries, are sitting around a fire, passing around a stick and saying they feel the power. Emmett interrupts and announces his faerie name: "On a Clear Day You Can See Forever," or Clear Day for short. He does a cute, but bad, Streisand impression. He "shares" that something magical has happened, and that he's realized that faeries really can make ugly things beautiful and create joy out of pain. Then he asks where Harry Hay is -- the old guy he was talking to earlier. Periwinkle tells him that Harry died two years ago. Fine, but why was his accent so bad?

A test group — A woman is asking people what they think of the "Back On Top" ads. They're not impressed; it's the same old thing. Then she shows them Brian's "honesty" ads and they are very impressed indeed, although they're sure the ads would never actually be used anywhere. Brian and Mr. Remson watch from behind a one-way mirror.

Babylon — Emmett is dancing. His eye makeup is beautiful, his moves are beautiful -- he's just beautiful. The music is what I think you can call Sikh Rap, and it's almost as fabulous as Emmett. I think his flame is burning bright again.

At the bar, Michael shares hilarious pictures of the faerie gathering. Brian is very amused by Michael's new faerie name -- I hope he uses it against him as often as possible. Emmett shows up and orders a cosmo. Ben suggests that they all go to the faerie gathering next year. Brian says, "I'd rather have my tongue super-glued to a lesbian's twat." Oooh! Step off, ladies: I'm first in line. Brian orders a round to celebrate Kinnetic's first client: Remson Pharmaceuticals. All is well on Liberty Avenue.

Woody's or some other bar — Well, I guess not everything is good on Liberty Avenue. Justin approaches the Pink Posse guy, who says, "Well, if it isn't Meg Ryan." Oh, so that's why Justin is going to shave his head! Justin tells the guy -- Cody something (sometimes the captions on this show are very inadequate) -- that he heard what Cody said at the Center and agrees. Cody asks Justin whether he's ready to kick some straight ass. Okay, but make sure you take some lesbians with you: you know they're stronger and more likely to carry pocket knives.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Brian's at the baths; Justin and the Pink Posse go out on patrol; Ted gets a job as a singing waiter.

More QAF recaps available here.