Queer As Folk recap: Season Four Premiere (original air date 18 April 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Why should Emmett dump Ted?
   Because if he doesn't, I won't be able to make it through the season.
2. Are there still lesbians on this show?
   Um, well, as much as there ever have been. In other words, barely.
3. How great is Deb?
   The. Greatest. Ever.
4. Why are you still watching this show, now that we have The L Word?
   Because QAF is better in a lot of ways, and also because I have a crush on Emmett. And Brian. And of course Melanie!

The New Opening Titles — Hey! Hooray! I've been hating the opening titles since the very first episode of this show, and finally they've changed them. Now the actual characters are in the montage -- along with the anonymous bulgy boys -- and the whole thing is much more friendly and much more in keeping with the tone of the show. It mixes images of raw sexuality with images of real love and affection, of many stripes -- and that combination is what's great about QAF. Plus Melanie and Lindsay are kissing, so it's all good.

La-La Land — A drag queen is doing "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line. She's not the most stunning drag queen you've ever seen, but it's a good look, I guess. But I'm calling it "La-La Land" because the whole thing is kind of dreamlike, and also sort of Twin Peaks-y, and generally unsettling for some reason. Anyway, just as she's singing "What I did for love," the "love" is replaced by Brian saying "Shit." Brian! You're such an asshole. I've missed you.

Brian's loft — Brian's whining to Justin about all of the solicitations he gets -- no, not that kind of solicitation. He's getting stuff in the mail from charities and foundations and other people who want his money. Of course, he doesn't have any money, because he put it to very good use last season in order to keep that Stockwell jerk from becoming mayor. And maybe his financial crisis has affected his hair: it doesn't look very good right now. Hmm, maybe his hair is finally thinning! The horror! Justin's hair looks pretty great though, and judging by the previews, it might be the last time I say that.

Brian's also complaining about his credit card bills. Justin takes a look at them:

Justin: "I've never seen so many zeroes."
Brian: "Except for at a mixer at the Gay and Lesbian Center."

Justin offers to help Brian out, and in the process of doing so, he says, "I thought we were partners." It confuses me at first; I think "when did they decide to really be a couple?" until I realize that Justin means they're partners in the Rage comic book venture. I think maybe Brian has the same reaction I did, though, because he kind of stares at Justin before agreeing that they are indeed partners. It doesn't matter, of course, because Brian won't accept: he doesn't need anyone's money or help. He just needs a drink, but the bottle he picks up is empty, so the scene changes suddenly, because it's time we got to the heart of the show: the bar.

Babylon — Brian orders a Chivas Regal. Justin tries to pay for it, but Brian won't let him. They make their way to the back room, while Justin tries to convince Brian that it's okay for people to do a few things for him right now, because without him, Liberty Avenue would be a police state. It's a rather average conversation, made more so by comparison to the shocking surroundings: guys fucking from every angle and in every corner. Justin interrupts himself at one point to say hello to a guy named Todd, who's busy being banged from behind but not too busy to say hello. I could roll my eyes, but I'm giggling.

They find an available piece of wall. Justin, still on his soapbox, says Brian can't accept help because he always has to be the one in control, the one on top. Brian agrees and turns Justin to face the wall. Yeah, now I'm rolling my eyes.

A sidewalk — Hunter's mom -- not a real character, just a two-dimensional shrewish plot device -- confronts Ben, wanting to know where Hunter is. Ben pretends Hunter has run off and that Michael has gone to look for him, but Hunter's mom isn't buying it. She threatens Ben with a custody suit and also mentions kidnapping and "contributing to the delinquency of a minor." What? Lady, have you taken a good look at Ben? Why the hell would Michael be interested in contributing to Hunter's delinquency when he has Beefy Ben waiting for him? Hunter's mom stomps off after telling Ben he's a smart guy and can figure out how many years his "sweetie" could be locked up for. Step off, bitch!

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Mel is sifting through the mail: she too has lots of solicitations. And hey, when you look like that, what can you expect? She has a new haircut, of course -- I think that's happened at least once per season so far -- and is foxy as ever. Lindsay notes that Ted gets all the same mail. I think we are supposed to wonder why she has Ted's mail, but I'm too busy wondering how many episodes we'll have to sit through before Mel and Linds have sex again.

Emmett arrives -- oh, that's right, he's staying with Melanie and Lindsay while Ted gets his shit together. He tells them he's got to slip into a bubble bath before he heads out to the benefit he and Vic are hosting. Gosh, do I sense a theme to this episode? Then he notices the sad little orchid on the table and thinks it's odd that it looks so much like Ted's orchid, which they called "Droopy." Please don't make a Viagra joke, Emmett.

Melanie says "Say hello to Droopy," which prompts Emmett to launch his first fabulous line of the season: "What are you doing with it? Lesbians are notorious for having black thumbs." Melanie and Lindsay confess that they're picking up Ted's mail and taking care of his plants while he's in rehab. Emmett is not impressed, or at least pretends not to be. Linds and Mel encourage him to go along when they visit Ted, but Em's not interested. He reminds Mel that she wasn't so supportive at first either. Mel and Lindsay -- who always finish each other's sentences and thus make me want to call them "Lindanie" or "Melsay" for recapping purposes -- say that Ted's trying to help himself, and isn't that what Emmett wanted? No, actually, I think Emmett wanted a sweet, geeky boyfriend, and has every right to feel bitter and cheated because a Big Bad Narcotic took that away from him.

A crappy motel — Hunter is changing the channels and driving Michael crazy. He's eaten all the barbecue chips and Captain Crunch. Unfortunately -- and unlike everyone else -- Hunter doesn't seem to have sought out a barber during the hiatus, so he still looks like a surly little orphan boy. He and Michael ramble on about their lack of money and food. The phone rings: it's Ben. Of course he wants to know whether they're okay, and also wants to warn them about Hunter's mom. I'm supposed to be worried, right? I dunno; it's hard to feel threatened by a character who's so stereotypical and so underwritten, she's like a gay character on regular TV. Hey, it's reverse tokenism! Nicely done.

Hunter storms out into the stormy weather to rustle up some food. I think the rain is supposed to add to the foreboding ominous-ness. Instead, it just makes Michael seem even more like a comic book character than he usually does: the hapless hero on the lam on a dark and stormy night. Hunter leaves the door open; Michael leans and pouts. Brian's sexy car is parked right outside. Okay, that's kind of a nice shot, and I like comic books anyway.

The Liberty Diner — It's Deb! She's telling everyone that it's been "three fucking days" since she last heard from Michael. She's wearing a shirt that says "fuck yoga." Deb, will you please switch over to The L Word so I can meet you there and we can get married?

Deb is so distraught, she's messing up orders: Lindsay says "I got the tuna melt," which makes me laugh. Brian, you know you want to say something about that.

The gang tries to reassure Deb, but she's not having it: this is the first time since Michael learned how to pick up the phone that they haven't talked three times a day. Everyone's a bit taken aback by that little revelation, but if Deb were my mom, I'd be on the phone with her right now.

Deb asks Ben to tell Michael that she loves him up to the sky and back, and that if he doesn't come back soon she'll rip his balls off. Melanie offers to make a few calls to see if she can help with the custody hearing. Good, I guess you heard me earlier when I was yelling at Ben: "Call your friend Melanie the lawyer! Duh!"

Deb tries to give Brian his lunch for free. Brian overcompensates and tries to pay for everyone's lunch, insisting that he's about to be "reinstated into his former position." That would be the position fondly known as "top," right? Yeah, even this show wouldn't let that happen quite so quickly.

La-La Land — The drag queen is doing "There'll Be Some Changes Made." This time we segue to Ted.

Rehab — Ted's in a group meeting. He recounts the awful tale of last season's finale, in which he crashed, was out for a day or two, and ended up getting gang-banged. I was traumatized by it then, but I'm a little bored with it now -- that is, until Scott Lowell manages to make me feel sad for him all over again. I think this line is what gets me: "God only knows if they were using condoms. I'll have to take a test... I don't... I... I don't feel very optimistic." Poor Ted.

After the group meeting, Ted talks to Blake, his former pseudo-boyfriend and the guy who kind of turned him on to drugs -- and who's now a counselor at the clinic. Ted asks him if he'd like to have lunch. Blake says he'll be right back; meanwhile, Ted sees Emmett in a sort of lounge/waiting area.

Ted proceeds to make all kinds of mean and sarcastic comments, accusing Emmett of waiting for him to screw up again and wanting him to fail. Ted, I know why your defenses are up -- Emmett has seen you at your absolute worst, and you resent him for it -- but don't hurt Emmett, or I'll have to come hurt you. And I think I can: you're kind of tiny.

Blake shows up; Ted sings his praises in an effort to make Emmett jealous and cranky. It works: Emmett leaves.

La-La Land— Now the drag queen is doing "Cry Me a River." These little interstitials are very stylized and well done, but they're still kind of creepy.

Gardner Vance's office — Brian doesn't have to ask for his job back: after about two sentences of small talk, Vance asks him to "name his price." Obviously Brian's given it some thought: he asks for a jacuzzi in his private bathroom and an unlimited expense account. Finally, he wants loyalty -- and Gardner's ready to give it. But then he asks Brian to sign on the dotted line, and the line is on a non-competition clause. What? He didn't have one of those before? Apparently not, and that's why Gardner wants Brian back: he's worried Brian will take all his ideas and clients with him and become Vangard's main competitor. Which is exactly what Brian decides to do, having seen through all the shmooze. You know it must be hard for him: he was thisclose to getting that jacuzzi!

The middle of nowhere — Michael has been looking for Hunter. He finds him at a truck stop, where Hunter has given a trucker a blow job in order to get money for dinner. Hmm, maybe the two-dimensionality runs in Hunter's family. Michael gets pissed off and decides it's time to go back to Pittsburgh. He's a little bit hokey as he lectures Hunter, but he might make a good dad after all. And maybe he'll make that kid get a damn haircut.

Rehab — Ted is scrubbing the floor. Blake comes by, wanting to know why he's so testy; Ted says it's because he's constipated. That's right, you're watching QAF, where not even bowel movements are taboo. Blake is bugging the hell out of me: he's got that serene thing going on -- you know, the typical "I've recovered, I've beat my addiction, and now I understand the secrets of the universe and am deigning to share them with you" thing. Fuck off, Blake: you were more interesting when you were a tweaked-out twink. Unfortunately, Ted still seems to think you're cute.

Blake tells Ted that when he (Blake) was in rehab, he (Blake) took off because he (Blake) couldn't stand to let him (Ted) see him (Blake) that way. So, Ted/Blake has/had to cope with Emmett/Ted seeing Ted/Blake at his worst, and it's difficult and dramatic and all of that, but I've already talked about it, and the way they're talking about it now is just annoying and trite.

Blake reveals that he likes opera now, thanks to Ted. Shut up, rent boy: you probably think "Seasons of Love" is profound and don't know Aida from Adidas.

A sidewalk — Michael and Ben, reunited, are all kissy-face. Hunter asks for some attention too and gets a big bear hug from Ben. Meanwhile, Brian is not happy with the state of his car: it's a muddy mess, and there are fast food wrappers in it. Brian compares it to the time he lent Michael his brand new 10-speed and Michael brought it back all beat up -- and it's no excuse that he was hit by a bus. Michael interrupts him with a kiss. Awww! We get to fondly remember the foundation of this show, which of course is Brian and Michael's friendship. Brian even calls him "pathetic" for old time's sake. Brian, have I mentioned that I love your suit? In my next life, I want to be a sartorially gifted, gorgeous gay man like you. Or maybe I'll just be a pinstripe on your best jacket: that way I can experience the high life without ever having to go to the back room at Babylon.

La-La Land — This time it's "I Only Have Eyes For You." Yep: let's get back to Brian.

A table at a restaurant — Brian is telling each of various clients that he only has eyes for him/her and thus wants to make him/her the flagship in his new agency. It's sort of like that dating scene in Kissing Jessica Stein, with the camera across the table from Brian -- only it's not nearly as funny, because Brian is not really a very funny person, except when he's being sarcastic or heartless. The humorous grovelling thing doesn't work for him.

Debbie's house — Michael can tell that Deb is pissed at him: even though she's saying "pass the ziti, sweetie," he knows she's waiting for the right moment to slap him. There's a knock at the door: it's Melanie and Lindsay. They've just come from the sing-a-long "Sound of Music" and are in costume. Mel is Mother Superior and Lindsay is Friedrich. Their costumes are hilarious, especially Lindsay's. Vic says, "I can only dream of what perversions go on in your house." Deb says, "I bet you worked up an appetite climbing all those mountains." I know it's dorky, but it's making me grin. Too bad Melanie and Lindsay rarely get to be anything other than the wise earth-mothers/community-fosterers/law-givers or the comic relief. Maybe next week they'll have sex? Yeah, I'm foolish to hope.

Melanie (who's finding it a bit hard to emote -- not to mention move her neck -- in her Mother Superior costume) asks Hunter for a dollar. He wants to know what for; she explains that she's petitioned to be his guardian ad litem so she can represent him at the custody hearing. Ben and Michael are happy they're doing things "the right way." Deb takes the opportunity to slap Michael upside the head and tell him it's better than "running off without telling your mother." Deb, you rock!

Woody's, I think — Justin is sure that Brian will be able to "decimate" Gardner Vance's client list. He's also picked out a name for Brian's new agency: "Kinnetic," with two N's. Get it? Brian Kinney. Brilliant, right? I guess, if you're twelve. Brian tells Justin he's clever and kisses him. These two are way too sweet: what happened to the torment and trauma and unrequited love? That was a lot more interesting.

Speaking of trauma and torment, elsewhere in the bar Emmett is crying in his martini. Brian and Justin find him, call him "Miss Dietrich" and invite him to go to Babylon with them. But Em says he's not in the mood for "men, muscles, or music." Emmett, say it ain't so! Emmett tells them about Blake, a.k.a. "Dr. Boytoy," and proposes a drink to Ted's remarkable recovery. Poor Em.

Ben and Michael's love nest — Ooh, the explicit sex is finally here! Michael is still the bottom in this relationship, I guess. Eeek, did I just see pubic hair? It's a pretty short sex scene though. The most remarkable thing about it is Ben's body: it's so perfect, it looks almost weird. As they bask in the glow, Michael wonders why Ben loves him. You dork, Michael: it's because you're cute and sweet and just like a comic book character. Michael says he feels stupid for running off with Hunter like that, but Ben says he admires Michael for it and is kind of jealous of how good a dad Michael's turning out to be. So much sweetness on this show: where did the edgy stuff go? Quick shots of pubic hair don't quite make the grade.

Brian's loft — Justin arrives, and is surprised to find his mom there. But she's a real estate agent, remember? And Brian is trying to sell his precious loft. I like Justin's mom, whose name I think is Jennifer, but it would be funnier if her name were Justine. She greets Justin with a "hi, honey," and then Brian says "hi, honey" too. Yep: sarcastic Brian is still funny. Anyway, Jennifer tells Brian that his place is kind of "special" and might be hard to sell -- and after rambling on a bit, she finally says "Let's face it, Brian. It's a fuckpad." Hee!

Justin is shocked to hear that Brian is selling his loft. Brian says, "Well, it was either cut my expenses or cut my wrists, so I've just opted for the tidier of the two." Justine, I mean Jennifer, leaves, promising to call Brian later so they can set a price. She says she won't be charging commission: "After all you've done for Justin, it's the least I can do." What a cool mommy you have, Justin. I can't decide who I want to adopt me: Jennifer or Deb. Or maybe Jennifer and Deb should get married and then adopt me. Or maybe I should drop this little adoption ruse and suggest a threesome.

Justin tells Brian he can't sell his loft and wants to know why he needs to, what with his new agency and all. But Brian says his clients turned him down: "Best laid plans of mice and ad-men." Justin can't accept the idea of Brian broke and loft-less, all because of Stockwell:

Justin: "You never should have listened to me."
Brian: "I didn't. I listened to me. Besides, it's just four walls and a floor... and top-of-the-line appliances and stainless steel countertops. And imported Italian fixtures and --"
Justin: "It's more than that. It's where we made love for the first time."
Brian: "That wasn't love. I just gave you a rim job and fucked your brains out."
Justin: "Hmm. It was love to me."

They smooch again. This is all fine and good, but are we to believe that Justin has finally made an honest man out of Brian? Is there no promiscuity left on Showtime?

Debbie's house — Vic is hammering lobsters. Emmett is looking on and battling a hangover. They whine about how much nicer Ted's kitchen was. Debbie comes home and joins the whining and ranting. Emmett tells them to be quiet; he says if they make a list he'll go to Ted's and pick up all the kitchen stuff they need. While Emmett is rummaging in his purse for Advil, Deb mouths "what's with him?" to Vic, who mouths back, "Ted."

Deb takes a seat at the table and shifts into advice gear. She sorts through her mail. There's a postcard for Vic, from "Michelangelo."

Emmett: "That must have been lost in the mail a long time."
Vic: "Actually, we met at a faerie gathering."
Emmett: "The Tony awards?"
Vic: "It's a group of gay men who gather in the woods to rediscover our spirit of joy."
Deb: "And get laid in the bushes."
Vic: "Michelangelo isn't his real name. It's his faerie name. We all had 'em. Mine was--"
Deb: "Cherub."
Emmett: [snort]
Vic: "I went right after I was diagnosed. I was devastated; I didn't know how I could go on, so I swallowed my skepticism. Turned out to be one of the most healing experiences of my life."
Deb: "You know, honey, maybe that's what you need."
Emmett: "Runnin' around in the woods with a bunch of faeries? Thanks, but I'll stick to Advil."

This is supposed to be poignant. But they keep saying "faeries," and there was a "swallow" in there somewhere, and I'm far too immature for this.

A sidewalk — Justin is walking with Melanie and Lindsay; Gus is there too, in the stroller. Well, it could be Gus, or it could be a doll of some sort. I don't think Melanie or Lindsay would notice any sooner than I would. They all walk by a newspaper headline: Stockwell's been indicted for the murder of that young gay man last season (well, or for conspiracy to murder, probably. I think they mentioned it earlier but I was somehow insufficiently captivated to grasp the full meaning). Lindsay says it restores her faith in humanity. Melanie, who's looking fabulous and rather butchy, says it makes her want to buy shoes. "Birkenstocks?" quips Justin -- but Mel wants Mahnolos. Way to straddle those gender lines, Mel. Now straddle me.

Justin reveals that there is no "Concerned Citizens for the Truth" -- that Brian paid for the anti-Stockwell ads himself, and is now deeply in debt. Melanie wishes there were something they could do; Lindsay says Brian is too proud to take money and will never be "beholden" to anyone.

The custody hearing — Hunter's mom, Rita, has apparently made great improvements, according to her lawyer. Hunter makes snide comments; Melanie and Michael tell him to shut up. In response to the litany of praise for Rita, Melanie offers some evidence to the contrary, including the fact that Rita pimped Hunter out for a while. Rita says that's not true; Hunter says, "The fuck it's not." The judge scowls at everyone and then goes to her chambers to examine all the documents. Melanie looks uncertain, and she also looks hot when she's in austere severe lawyer mode.

Ted's place — Emmett is getting the kitchen things he needs. He can't find the strainer; he hears a voice say "It's under the sink." Yep, it's Ted, sitting on the couch in the dark, feeling sorry for himself. Emmett is surprised that Ted's out of rehab already, of course. Ted whines about how he's managed to fuck up his life; Emmett's response is, "Sorry. Don't plan pity parties." Emmett, you're way too sweet and witty for Ted. Dump his constipated ass!

Instead Emmett just lectures Ted a little (you know, that "get off the couch" lecture we saw over and over in the previews during the extremely long hiatus) and tells him to go back to rehab. Ted says it's too late; he's beyond repair and might as well be dead. Emmett does the reverse psychology thing; he tells Ted to go ahead and kill himself, "But don't be a man about it: be a queen." Emmett puts on some opera music and hands Ted a letter opener:

Emmett: "The good news is, you can finally be Maria Callas. Hmm? Plunge it into your heart, like Tosca."
Ted: "Tosca didn't stab herself. She jumped off a roof."
Emmett: "Even better. Feel free to scream or sing as loud as you want. Because nobody's listening."

Emmett makes his exit like the fabulous operatic queen he is. Are we meant to feel sorry for Ted? Hmm. I think I'll have to go with Emmett on this one. Ted has always been the sad sack of the group, and sometimes it's been sort of interesting, but we all know that he loves to play the martyr, which is why he couldn't let himself be happy for five minutes. Yeah, yeah, his porn empire fell and left him with nothing -- nothing, that is, except for supportive friends and a fantastic boyfriend and time to figure out where to go next. Ted, maybe you're constipated because you've got your head up your ass.

The custody hearing — The judge has decided that Rita has worked hard to break free from her sordid past, and that it's better for kids to be with their "natural" parents. Ben has that worried face that makes him look like a frog. The judge grants custody to Rita. Hunter says there's no way in hell he's going with her, so the judge threatens to hold him in contempt. She should threaten to cut his hair. Mel tells everyone that they did the best they could.

Rita greets her son; he plants a rather inappropriate smooch on her and then says he forgot to tell her that he's HIV positive. She doesn't believe him at first, but when Ben confirms it, she wipes her mouth and calls Hunter a "fucking dirty little faggot." She shoves Hunter and says, "What the fuck, are you trying to give it to me?" The judge calls Mel and the other lawyer to the bench. It's not looking good for you, Rita.

Liberty Avenue — Justin tells Brian that his mom may have found a buyer for the loft. He steers Brian into a bar (probably Woody's, but who can tell these places apart?) so they can "grab a drink." Brian notices there's yet another benefit going on: "Wonder what the cause is this time? Send a tranny to summer camp?" Justin makes him go in anyway.

Inside, we're actually in La-La Land: the drag queen is doing "What I Did For Love" again and the crowd loves her.

Lindsay greets Brian, telling him they're having a fundraiser for a very special organization. In a plot twist no one could possibly have seen coming -- except, of course, for those of us who aren't brainless, eyeless, comatose potatoes -- she reveals that the organization is the Concerned Citizens for the Truth. Justin makes this great "I have no idea what's going on" face and then smirks. Lindsay gives Brian a check.

Brian starts to turn it down, of course, and everyone pretty much expects him to. But it must be a hefty check, because he reconsiders. He makes some lame comment about those times when people need help and have to "swallow their fuckin' pride," and that makes at least twice that the word "swallow" has been used in a non-sexual context in this episode. I don't approve.

Hunter and Michael and Ben make their way out of the bar -- Hunter jokes about hitting some after-hours clubs, but Ben reminds him he has school tomorrow. Oh, look: Hunter has two daddies! Yeah, that's kind of heartwarming. And I guess now we have three HIV-positive characters on the show, which is good, even if the subject usually only comes up as a sort of deus ex machina thing that reminds everyone what's really important in life. Melanie and Lindsay are close behind, reminding Hunter that the judge says he'll have to "be on his best behavior" if he wants to stay with Michael and Ben. Mel and Linds are so joined at the hip, and are clearly (and collectively) serving as the moral compass for the show. They're like some sort of binary ominsicient alien being that went off course, landed on a planet of penises and can't get over the culture shock. I liked it better when they were having affairs and threesomes and marrying random French guys.

As Emmett, Deb, and Vic -- and Vic's boyfriend, what's-his-name from last season -- shuffle down the sidewalk, Deb says, "I knew I'd live long enough to see gay marriages, but I never thought I'd live to see Brian Kinney accept help. And say thank you!" Then she notices Emmett's not really paying attention. She tells him that she's worried: "That famous flame of yours is just about out." Vic suggests a generous sprinkling of faerie dust. Emmett just rolls his eyes. Am I the only one who wants to see Emmett put on a Peter Pan costume and go frolicking in the forest?

Justin compliments the drag queen, whose name is Shanda Leer. Out of drag, his name is Darren, and he looks so much smaller without all of that fabulousness.

Justin tells Brian that he and "half of gay Pittsburgh" can sleep soundly, now that Brian gets to keep the loft. Brian says "Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own bed." What did these two do, get hitched in San Francisco during the hiatus?

Darren, a.k.a. Shanda Leer, heads toward a dark part of the street. It takes about two seconds for the average non-comatose viewer to realize what's going to happen. The camera shifts back and forth among shots of Darren getting kicked and punched, shots of our happy heroes on their way home, and shots of Shanda Leer singing "It's gonna be a great big, swinging, crazy, wonderful day." Over the credits, we hear the quiet nighttime sounds that Darren must be hearing as he waits, broken, in the street.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: The community reacts to the bashing; Ted goes back to rehab and then leaves again; Michael and Emmett frolic in the forest.

More QAF recaps available here.