Hex recap (series 2, episode 9)
(Original airdate: 20 Nov 2005)

THIS WEEK'S INCANTATION:

Boil, boil, plague and trouble,
love is truly blind.
Thelma is addictive, aye,
and Maya's tongue is kind.

The morning after — Ella and Malachi are sleeping. No, not in the same bed — you're meant to think so, but it's all an evil, evil trick. Or a great, great relief.

They've each got someone there waiting for them to wake up. In Malachi's case, it's Mephistopheles, smoking a cigarette and looking smug. In Ella's case, it's Leon, wearing yet another T-shirt and looking glum.

And nobody's happy with anybody. Ella and Malachi try to defend themselves, sort of, although Ella knows there's really no point in trying. Leon does a grand exit, slamming the door. And Mephistopheles tells Malachi to "finish it with the girl" or there will be consequences.

Yes, there will be: the first of them will be the sudden disappearance of these recaps! I don't want to see these two on the same continent, let alone in the same bed. Malachi looks more and more like he's just stepped out of an '80s video, and Ella thinks only of herself. On second thought, maybe they deserve each other.

Class — It's funny that they still bother to go to class, isn't it? All of the teachers are dead or have mysteriously disappeared, and we know nobody really studies anything except shagging anyway.

Leon starts to take the seat next to Ella, but then offers it to Malachi instead. Ella and Malachi look pleased and proud of themselves. Ugh.

Headmaster David (the only teacher left) begins to talk about "Germany between the wars," when life was a cabaret (old chum). Ella and Malachi smirk, having recently experienced it first-hand. And libido-first. And brain-free.

Ella and Malachi are sniggering too much, so Headmaster David asks them to leave. So they stand in the hall and talk about whether Ella's still with Leon and why she ran out on Malachi at the gay cabaret. Very effective discipline, Headmaster D.

Maya's funeral — Maya watches as her family mourns, and Thelma watches Maya. Sniffle.

Just so we're clear — Ella asks Leon whether he dumped her yesterday. Yes, says Leon, but he's really thinking "Of course, you slag; who wouldn't?" He's not exactly being friendly, but Ella needs to soothe her guilty conscience, so she insists on staying and telling him she cares for him, blah blah.

Leon: "C'mon. It was never going to work. We're different people: I'm not immortal, I'm not a warrior of destiny, and I don't fancy someone I'm sworn to kill. "

Now that? Was brilliant.

The cemetery — Thelma reaches a hand around a stone angel and pretends to squeeze a stone tit. Maya's not amused, not even when Thelma asks for "a ghost of a smile."

Maya wants to know where Thelma has been, but Thelma can't exactly say she's been wracked with guilt about the way Maya died. Well, she could, but then she'd have no chance of getting even a little kiss, and that would be no fun for any of us.

Maya: "You know, I been thinkin' I might not see you again, Thelma. I thought maybe I'd done somethin' wrong."
Thelma: "You? You've done nothing wrong. It's me that... it's just... I dunno, it's the whole dead lesbian thing. It's hard to get a handle on."
Maya: "Yeah, tell me about it."
Thelma: "Takes a while to get used to."
Maya: "At least you've had time to get used to it."
Thelma: "Yeah. But, the thing is, it didn't prepare me."
Maya: "Prepare you? For what?"
Thelma: "For you. I... realised that, for the first time, I thought I might be better off dead."
Maya: "That's a compliment, right?"

And of course it is! And of course then they kiss, and I'm a sap because I enjoy it immensely. Maya's awfully cute, and she even has little handcuff earrings, which is awfully hot. And that Irish accent, not that you could tell by the way I typed the dropped g's. Anyway, what's not to love?

Maya: "You won't leave me again, will ya?"
Thelma: "Never."
Maya: "Never?"
Thelma: "'Til life do us part."

More kissing. With tongues! Aww.

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