Hex recap (series 2, episode 11)
(Original airdate: 4 Dec 2005)

THIS WEEK'S INCANTATION:

If you love a lesbian ghost, tell her the truth and set her free.
if she comes back to you, she's yours.
If she doesn't,
it's probably because an anointed one has dug up her body and killed her.
(with apologies to Richard Bach)

Medenham — Look who's back! It's Jo, the rather foxy teacher. I might have gone off her, though; she's not impressing me this time. Anyway, it's nice that there will be an actual teacher at the school.

Headmaster David tries to be friendly and offers to carry Jo's bag to her room, but she says she can manage on her own — because she wouldn't want HD to see that Malachi is in her bed.

Never mind the teacher/student issues: it's the woman/wanker issues that really bother me.

Another suggestive camera pan — Ella is lying on the grass, panting, looking blissful, as Leon asks "More?" But this time the shot widens to reveal that they're just doing sit-ups/crunches/whatever form of exercise will allow them to chat about the fact that Thelma betrayed them.

Ella: "I hope she's happy. I hope she's pleased with herself."

But of course she's not: she's sobbing.

Literature class — They're reading Carmilla, which is pretty cool. But they won't appreciate it properly because they're all such self-centred ingrates! You know, like most adolescents.

The dining hall — Leon's being mopey. Ella just sighs. What was the point of this scene, exactly?

Outside — Roxanne's inconsequential friend (Alex), who is now sporting the mark of Malachi on her neck, is talking to some zombie-like students about how they can be special and free. Ugh.

Not everyone succumbs — Roxanne is minding her own business, but Malachi wants to chat. He says he's been watching her, and that they could learn a lot from each other and should hook up sometime.

Roxanne: "I don't think so."

Well done!

In training — Ella and Leon are jogging now, and talking about whether they should confront Thelma first, or kill Malachi (whom Ella calls an "evil little shit") first. Ella points out that if they kill Malachi, Thelma will die too, without being able to confess whatever she needs to confess. Oh, don't pretend you're doing this to be compassionate or something. You just want to scream at her.

A sign of corruption — Ella and Leon discuss the mark on Alex's neck. Leon gets distracted, thinking about slaves and playthings. Ella explains that the word he's looking for is succubus. Yeah, something with "suck" in it, I'm sure.

Beholden — Alex finds Thelma, to tell her that Malachi has a job for her. Don't do it, Thelma!

But she does — or tries to, anyway. She slips into Roxanne's dream. Oddly enough, Roxanne is dreaming of being a nun. Thelma is stunned. So am I.

Ella and Leon watch from afar as Alex asks Thelma about the dream invasion.

The pub/cafe/whatever it is — Maya, who has become a rather happy lesbian ghost lately, wants to snog in public (as much as someone invisible can be "in public," that is). Just as she and Thelma start to kiss, Ella sits down at their table. Maya assumes Ella's just an ordinary person who can't see them, of course, and goes off to steal a muffin for Thelma, whom she calls a "muffin diver." Maya, you're cute, but did you really have to make that joke? I mean, really?

Thelma begs Ella to leave and promises to meet her in half an hour.

Half an hour later — It's time for the showdown:

Ella: "You risked our lives for a shag."
Thelma: "It wasn't like that."
Ella: "It wasn't like what? It wasn't that you let Malachi pimp you a girl? That he used you like a puppet? That you let yourself be blackmailed into betraying your friends? Well tell me, Thelma: what wasn't it like?"
Thelma: "All right, miss high and bloody mighty, so it was like that. I'm not proud of it. I made a mistake. We all make mistakes."
Ella: "Not like that, we don't."
Thelma: "Oh, so you weren't running after Malachi like some star-struck zombie, then."
Ella: "That was different."
Thelma: "Yeah, you're right. He had to go to the bother of blackmailing me. All he had to do was fuck you."

Wooo! Round one goes to Thelma.

Well then — Alex goes to Malachi's room, where Jo and Malachi are in bed again. They look up at Alex and smile, and then make room for her. Perhaps this could be one of those threesomes where the man/demon spawn gets kicked out of the bed and the women carry on? Please?

Leon sees what's going on and might be a bit jealous.

Ella's room — Thelma asks Ella how long she's got, before Ella kills Malachi and thus causes Thelma to disappear. "Not long," says Ella.

Thelma: "I feel bad about Maya, you know. She knows nothing about any of this. I think we had something really special. Doesn't seem right to leave her all alone."
Ella: "Well, you won't have to."
Thelma: "Don't tell me you fancy her."
Ella: "Maya is a creature of Malachi's. When he dies, she dies."

And Thelma cries. And she and Ella say their goodbyes. Everything rhymes! That must be part of Malachi's evil influence on the world.

That can't be comfortable — Alex sleeps, with her wrists still tied to the bed frame, while Malachi and Jo talk about what a bastard Malachi is.

Preying on the prayerful — Malachi seeks Roxanne's help for his addiction to being a bastard. Oh, I mean to sex. He says he sees a spirituality in her and knows she can help him see the light. She seems to consider it, which is probably good, because I didn't want to have to like her too much just yet.

Into the sunset — Maya and Thelma cuddle and watch the sun go down over Medenham.

Maya: "Why do beautiful things make you sad?"
Thelma: "Because deep down you know you might never see them again."

Just to prove her point, Thelma squeezes the life (er, the afterlife) out of Maya's hand. Maya tells her not to worry because she's not going anywhere. Sigh.

Maya begins to get cold, which makes Thelma start to panic and ask what kind of cold. Thelma, if you don't try to behave a little less strangely, she'll leave you even if she doesn't die.

Don't hug me when I'm wearing a knife on my back — Ella and Leon are both a little nervous as Ella gets ready to kill Malachi. Oh, and I'm not being metaphorical about the "knife on my back" — that's where Ella keeps her special dagger thingie. Presumably she has a scabbard of some sort, but you can't see it. That leather coat has its uses. Xena probably should have had a camouflaging leather coat, because everyone could see she had a sword on her back — no element of surprise whatsoever. Except for when she hurtled out of nowhere.

Ella finds Malachi in the shower (oh, great) and tries to stab him. But the dagger breaks and Malachi just sort of... glows. He seems to have some sort of personal force field he can call up. How handy.

Not a good day to die — Maya says it's all getting weird; it's as if Thelma's waiting for something. Thelma tells her to go on ahead and she'll catch up later.

Thelma goes to Ella's room to see what's up. Ella returns from her failed mission and tells them the knife broke.

Thelma: "I'm meant to be dead. I'm not dead. I'm going insane."

She accuses Ella of not trying hard enough and stomps away.

Fine, but could you put a shirt on in the meantime? — Malachi struts around and says he's going to kill Ella. Jo tells him he's getting stronger and suggests that instead of killing Ella, he might want to corrupt everything around her. She says "that would be a fate worse than death" just as she unzips Malachi's trousers, and I doubt that's a coincidence.

Now that's evil — In the dining hall, Maya introduces Thelma to a "new ghost" she's found. It's Malachi. Well, crap.

Giles would have worked this out hours ago — Ella finds something in a book that helps her understand why Malachi's so strong now: he's feeding off his succubi. Aren't we all?

Ella: "We can get at Malachi by getting at his succubi."

Stop rhyming, dammit!

All this rhyming makes me hungry — Ella goes to the dining hall, where she sees Maya and Malachi being friends, and sees that the mark on Maya's neck is back. Perfect.

Thelma finds Ella on the big staircase — well, first she overhears Ella telling Leon that Malachi has Thelma over a barrel — and whines that Malachi's being a "real asshole." It's funny; suddenly Thelma seems like a 17-year-old grumbling about someone she goes to school with. And of course that's the point.

Two more victims to add to the list — Alex tells Tom he's got to get in touch with his inner feelings and figure out what his heart's desire is. I begin to suspect that his heart's desire is Leon. Meanwhile, Roxanne (who's suddenly looking like the picture of Christian propriety) offers to meet Malachi in his room later to help him with what ails him. Wake up, fools!

Another bench — I probably haven't really said so, but Thelma's been doing an awful lot of pondering on benches. In fact, she never does anything but ponder when she's on a bench, nor does she ever do any pondering away from a bench. It's nice when you get these helpful little visual cues, isn't it? And it saves the actors a lot of effort.

Malachi shows up and says he can see why Thelma likes Maya -- "or do you love her?" Bastard. He tells Thelma he needs her to find out what Ella's planning. She tells him to go screw himself. Yes, she really does!

Spiritual — Roxanne and Malachi meditate, which kind of makes me giggle.

Roxanne: "You know, I understand you Malachi. I know where you're coming from, because I've been there myself."
Malachi: "From hell?"

And more giggling from me. What? These two are supposed to annoy, not amuse.

Roxanne explains that she used to be a very bad girl. Yeah, when did that become a "used to" thing? Well, she explains that too: she has a lot of guilt about Jez. What a waste of guilt.

Malachi confesses that he wants to rip Roxanne's clothes off. She leaves, muttering something about the pleasure of denial, but I think perhaps she's just toying with him. I mean, come on -- she's still Roxanne!

Ella's room — Thelma wants to know what Ella thinks of the idea of telling Maya everything so that Malachi will lose all power over Thelma. Ella's not so sure. Well, she says she is, but she's hiding something.

Battle ready again — Leon and Ella prepare to kick some succubi ass. Leon's supposed to cut Alex's head off with an axe while Ella digs up Maya's body. This time Ella's got a very visible sword on her back. Perhaps she'll do a Xena-like ululation too.

Leon hides in the closet and watches Alex undress. Perv. But no, it's all part of the plan; presumably it will be easier for him to kill her if she's asleep.

The morgue — Thelma starts to tell Maya everything. I yell at her not to, but she ignores me. Maya doesn't take it very well.

Maya: "You're a murderer, Thelma. A murderer."

Hey, Thelma, look at it this way: if you have to be called a murderer, at least you get to hear it said in that lovely Northern Irish accent.

Synchronicity — Leon texts Ella to let her know that he's ready — they're supposed to do the slaying at the same time, but I can't tell you why because I was too busy yelling at Thelma to pay attention.

Crying in the morgue — Maya's not sure she can ever forgive Thelma.

Thelma: "I know this sounds crazy, and there's part of me that wishes this had never happened. But there's part of me that's glad it did. If this had never happened, we'd never have met. If this had never happened, we never would have fallen in love. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm just sorry it had to happen like this."
Maya: "Me too."
Thelma: "Even if I am a murderer"
Maya: "Even if you are a murderer."

Even if you did use some form of the word "happen" five times in that little speech. Perhaps murderers have smaller vocabularies.

They hold each other, and Maya says she's cold again — but it's a different kind of cold this time.

And then Leon and Ella do their dirty deeds. Malachi flinches and Maya disappears.

Ella makes her way to Malachi's room. And guess who shows up right after she does? Alex. Yep, Leon chickened out.

Ella: "I will kill you, Malachi."
Malachi: "Well, you'll have to kill the whole school first."

And suddenly there are succubi everywhere. Oh, nice, so Maya died for no reason at all.

NEXT WEEK ON HEX: Ella and Jo face off; Tom and Leon kiss (yeah, it's probably just Tom's fantasy); Leon turns evil.

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