ER recap: 'Twas the Night (Season Eleven, Episode Nine) (original air date 9 Dec 2004)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Abby: Everybody's favorite elf.
• Weaver: Everybody's favorite Scrooge.
• Carter: Nobody's favorite anything.

Before we begin — Okay, since this show has been sucking so much, this recap features Festive Holiday Scenes throughout. Some are scenes from old episodes, and others are scenes that should happen. For example:

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #1 — Kim kissing Kerry in the lounge. Kerry not quite resisting.

See, doesn't that put you in the holiday spirit already?

Jing-Mei's house — Jing-Mei is washing a bedpan. That's gross enough, but she appears to be washing it over the kitchen sink. Ew.

Her dad hollers at her, and starts breaking things when she doesn't respond right away. Then he says a lot of serious things in Chinese that probably translate to "I can't take it any more and you have to put me out of my misery." His misery? She's the one washing bedpans.

IKEA, I think — Dammit, I love IKEA, and now Carter and Wendall are going to ruin it for me. They ramble about their families. Wendall buys a sofa bed. Carter sees a kid choking. He does the Heimlich thing, but when the parents turn around, all they see is a guy pawing a little girl.

The ambulance bay — Sam and Luka flirt. I'm tired of it already, even though they're both rather attractive people.

Inside — There are a lot of homeless people looking for warmth wherever they can find it. Abby says "Merry Christmas," but she doesn't quite say it as sarcastically as we all know she can.

A guy on a gurney has a host of problems — to which he adds "a partridge in a pear tree."

Hey, it's Weaver! She's opening a present. It won't be as exciting as the time she gave someone a special Christmas present. But now all she has to look forward to is going over to Susan's for the holiday — and she pretty much has to invite herself.

Oh well, she's still got her pride: she re-wraps the present and gives it to Carter.

Carter: "Oh my god, did you just re-gift this right in front of me?"
Weaver: "Yep. I'm your secret Santa. Enjoy."

She may only get 30 seconds of screen time, but she makes the most of it.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #2 — Kerry and Kim laughing and flirting at dinner. Kim saying "You do know I'm gay...?" And Kerry saying, "I never even really considered this."

Mr. Sanders, a.k.a. the guy with all the problems — The guy's wife is bossy. Abby and Sam are as impressed as I am, which is not at all.

The lobby — A new med student (a transfer) is trying to take care of the homeless. Ray shows up and turns a perfectly normal scene into an Annoying Ray Moment (ARM).

Family conflicts — Dr. Chen wants Luka to cover for her, but Luka's got his own family to worry about.

A temp clerk, Margaret, shows up. She might be even crankier than Weaver.

Trauma room — Abby gets all Dr. Butch and starts barking out orders for Mr. Sanders. The new student, Jake, is there to help. Abby seems to like him already — at least, enough to ask his name.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #3 — The helicopter falling on Romano.

The lounge — Jing-Mei is still trying to find someone to cover for her, but Susan is not hearing it. Jing-Mei looks like she's about to fall apart, and then she does:

Susan: "Jing-Mei, please, you have to understand."
Jing-Mei: "I do. It's okay."
Susan: "Good. Thank you."
Jing-Mei: "I'm sorry, Susan. I quit."

A kid comes in, looking pretty bad. Ray has a plane to catch. Carter yells at him, but somehow it just isn't enough for me.

The kid, Harry, was hit by a car. His mom looks familiar: who is that? I'll have to figure it out, which is good, because now I have a reason to watch the rest of the episode.

A phone faux pas — Abby calls Mr. Sanders' doctor, and says "I know his wife can be a pain in the ass" — and of course his wife is right there listening. Don't apologize, Abby! Just wink at her.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #4 — Carter leaving the show. That's all I asked for this year. Oh, and Ray and Pratt following him.

Pratt tries to steal Morris's girlfriend. I would fall asleep, but there's Susan in her rather flattering shirt... ahem.

Susan announces that Chen has quit. Everyone's shocked, but not really.

Neela gives Abby her secret santa gift, which Neela "found in the lounge." Yeah, mm hmm. The gift is a book: Rats, Lice, and History. Neela says it's better than hers, which was a Pez dispenser. Well, perhaps you can both give each other better gifts when you get home.

The cranky temp — Margaret is trying to get rid of the Christmas decorations because they are "illegal religious artifacts" in a publicly funded hospital. You're a mean one, Ms. Grinch. Abby takes one of the artifacts and says "give it back!" in a very cute way.

Ray is still trying to leave. I wish somebody would just slap him already. Maybe with a religious artifact.

Trauma — Mr. Sanders picked the wrong day to be sick: the specialists don't want to help. His wife is actually sort of foxy in her own way: I think Abby really should try that wink idea.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #5 — Kerry finding Kim at Doc Magoo's and saying "I'd like you to stay."

Jing-Mei's house — Pratt shows up to see what's going on. He helps Jing-Mei get her dad under control, and notices that Jing-Mei has a lot of potassium handy.

Harry — We get the hint, already: this family is down on their luck, and the mom is kinda losing it. But I still can't figure out who the actress is.

Trauma — Yeah, the wife is totally checking Abby out. Jake, the new guy, is very helpful, and cute if you like that sort of thing.

The lounge — Neela chats with Harry's sister, Mattie. Ray shows up. Mattie reveals that she and Harry were alone and their mom was at work. What's more, they live in a car. Happy holidays.

Jing-Mei's house — Jing-Mei wants to end her dad's suffering. Who's going to end mine? Ah, I know who: that beautiful fast-forward button.

Midnight — Margaret, the temp, has gone too far:

Abby: "Margaret, if you turn off these lights one more time, I'm gonna beat you to death with a fruitcake."

Mr. Sanders — Oh, he has lupus. Did we know that? I probably wasn't paying attention. Or rather, I was paying attention to more interesting things.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #6 — Kim drying her hair. Kerry watching.

Abby tries to help, because she doesn't want the pain-in-the-ass wife to have to have this association with Christmas. But the wife does not return the kindness: she insists that Abby get a surgical attending to do the central line. Abby looks like she's been slapped.

Harry — Hey, the kid's alive. And the mom is explaining that she's been doing her best — but there's Wendall with Mattie, offering a place for people fleeing domestic violence. Good job, Wendall. If you're that smart, why are you hanging out with Carter?

Speaking of which, Kem is on the phone for Carter. Only the temp calls her "Kim," which of course makes me wish it were really Dr. Legaspi on the line.

Jing-Mei's house — Could this get any more grim?

Morris the idiot — Neela sees Morris letting his girlfriend staple a guy's head back together. Hey, why does Neela seem so tough in this episode? Look at that swagger.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #7 — Kim saying "Wake me."

Mr. Sanders — Dubenko watches while Abby puts in the central line. Is he flirting with her? Where's Neela's swagger when you need it? Oh, damn, I was right: it turns out Dubenko was Abby's secret santa, and he can't wait to discuss the book with her. She looks at him like he's rats, lice, and history.

Jing-Mei's house — It's time to say goodbye to Mr. Chen. And, I guess, to Dr. Chen. Ming-Na was kind of under-used on this show, so yeah, it's probably time to go. (Laura Innes, are you listening?)

Abby saves the day — Abby called a dialysis tech and asked him to come in — and here he is, but Abby doesn't have official orders from Mr. Sanders' doctor, MacPherson. And Mrs. Sanders is surprised:

The wife: "MacPherson ordered dialysis?"
Abby: "Uh, no. I did."
The wife: "You... you can't order... Thank you."
Abby: "Merry Christmas."
The wife: (as Abby walks away) "Hmm."

Yeah, see? Now ask her out! That "hmm" was interesting. It was, really. It was more like "yum."

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #8 — Abby in her black T-shirt, riding a... a gurney. Or a motorcycle. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

From yum to yuck — Wendall gives Carter a present: a headlamp flashlight thingie. Remember when Weaver wore one of those, when the power went out? Think about that instead of the fact that Carter has just kissed Wendall. Ick.

Bringing cheer — Abby and Neela talk about a homeless boy, and walk shoulder to shoulder while they do. Awww. They treat the boy, who's excited about Christmas, and as they walk off they decide they need to do something for these kids whose parents can't give them presents.

Neela: "Jumbo Mart?"
Abby: "Do you have any cash on you?"
Neela and Abby simultaneously: "Nooo."

Jing-Mei's house — Can.Not.Watch.This.Anymore.

More cuteness in the Child Life Department — I think it's best to just transcribe this:

Abby: "Where are we going?"
Neela: "Ho ho ho and a jolly old soul."
Abby: "Sikhs don't have Christmas."
Neela: "I grew up in England with Good King Wenceslas, Boxing Day, and a family tradition of anonymous kindness."
Abby: "Where'd ya get that key?"
Neela: "Wendall from Social Work. I have a plan."
Abby: "A sly and cunning plan?"

Oh my. Sly and cunning, indeed. But it's not what you think: even though it's dark and they're being silly and they're in a quiet room together, they're really just there to get presents for the homeless kids. And they'll go to the after-Christmas sales tomorrow to replace everything. It's not much, but I have to take what I can get.

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #9 — Abby waking up to realize she's naked, the eggnog is all gone, and Neela's arms are wrapped around her. What? These are scenes, not facts!

A homeless woman who should be on American Idol — A woman sings "O Holy Night," and it's pretty damn great, even for atheists like me and Margaret. While the woman sings, Abby and Neela go around, leaving presents for the kids.

Ray's back. I don't care, except for the fact that he tells everyone it's snowing, so Neela and Abby go out into the ambulance bay to enjoy it. Neela catches snowflakes on her tongue, prompting Abby to ask whether snow gets polluted.

Dr. MacPherson shows up to yell at Abby about the dialysis. She tells him that if he reports her for working the system, she'll report him for abandoning his patient. Hee.

Some more stuff happens, but I'm on to the next scene...

Festive Holiday Scenes We Wish We Could See #10 — Dr. Weaver calling a meeting, announcing her resignation. Dr. Legaspi showing up at the door of the meeting room to escort Kerry out. Abby and Neela grinning at each other and running out the door after Kim and Kerry; the four of them going to a big gay holiday party where Carol and Susan are making out in the corner and Dr. Corday is the DJ. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

NEXT TIME ON ER: Well, if tonight was Christmas, I guess the next episode will be in the new year, with a new batch of traumas, dramas, and hyperextended storylines.

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