ER recap: White Guy, Dark Hair (Season Eleven, Episode Seven) (original air date 18 Nov 2004)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Weaver: Also known as Mistress Clipboard.
• Lewis: Destined to dominate.

Flashback — Call me crazy, but I think that's Weaver. You know, as in Kerry — not John Kerry, because it wounds me too deeply to even think of him right now — but as in Dr. Weaver, ex-girlfriend of Dr. LeGASPi and supposedly still a lesbian. Better yet, she's got her clipboard.

And there's Dr. Lewis — someone else we thought we'd made up entirely — and it's time for Dr. Lewis's one-month performance review as chief of the ER. Generally, Weaver's pleased, but we know she's never really pleased, because that just would not be her, so she lists a number of things that have gone wrong (complete with statistics) and manages to get in an extra dig because her son ate yams way before Dr. Lewis's son even considered them.

The whole thing ends with Dr. Weaver giving Dr. Lewis one word: "leadership." We all know this is code for "I'm at your command," and that despite the clipboard, Weaver really wants Lewis to crack the whip — and not at the residents.

Wait a minute: Dr. Weaver said "misdiagnoseses." As in mis-di-ag-nos-ah-ses. That would never, ever happen: she would spit mis-di-ag-no-seez as if she were peeling off someone's pants with her teeth — and that is more evidence than ever that this show now officially sucks.

Carter's malaise — Carter is looking at pictures of Kem on the computer. It's kinda pathetic. The other cretins make crude comments about the pictures. Talk about misdiagnoseseseses.

Louise — Louise has just come in on a gurney. She has a lot of fractures. Sam and Luka start to try to fix her, but she says "wait," over and over until they listen, and then she tells them she was raped. Welcome to another cheery episode.

A cop shows up; he thinks Louise was trying to get away and fell out the window or down the fire escape or something. I'm just not going to enjoy this.

Leadership — Lewis is trying to lay down the law, but everybody's pretty much walking away in the middle of the lecture. Get the whip out!

Dr. Lovelyheart — Abby tries to help a woman who claims to have a kidney stone. We all know it must be something else, like maybe an alien baby.

Sam's romance — Sam reveals that she and Luka are ready to shack up. Yippee.

Louise's case — A detective shows up to ask Louise some questions. Of course he wants to know whether Louise knew the rapist. Louise is just trying to cough, so Sam "suctions her out" since she can't really cough. Ewww. Anyway, Louise thinks she'll be able to identify the guy, but she's really too messed up to do any kind of thinking at all.

Abby's world — Turns out the woman with the "kidney stone" is actually in labor. Except she says she's not pregnant. Okay.

Louise's prognosis — Luka is not happy with the detective, because Louise could get worse, but the detective says the rapist has been attacking women all over the North Side. Sam doesn't like any of it.

Mi-Cha — The woman in labor (the one who wasn't pregnant) is having this baby right now. Carter's there to tell her when to push, and ta-da, there's the kid. But Mi-Cha is still not listening: she didn't have a baby, she wasn't pregnant, and Abby and Carter are standing there looking like some sort of Twilight Zone version of Mary and Joseph.

Sam's crusade — Sam wants to take Louise off the vent, just a little at a time, so that Louise can whisper to the detective, to help him catch the rapist. Luka, rather than supporting Sam on her quest to protect women, decides he'd rather psychoanalyze Sam and dissect her past. Linda Cardellini kind of stops acting for a moment, probably because she can't believe that Luka — you know, the bleeding-heart doctor who cares too much — has suddenly reverted to asshole mode. Don't worry, it just means the writers are as bored as we are.

The virgin birth — Carter tries to take command of the situation and convince Mi-Cha that her baby is really hers. But it's sort of like trying to convince a Bush supporter that we're all screwed, so Abby and Carter try to talk to Mi-Cha's mom instead.

Bizarro-land — The paramedics bring in three girls who look like they're about 10. But the paramedics introduce the girls as a 43-year-old female, a 28-year-old male, and a 39-year-old female. Just as everyone starts to wonder what the hell is going on, a woman with an orange vest and a stopwatch shows up — no, sadly, it's not Kerry's new girlfriend — to announce that this is a drill, a "mixed process chemical explosion at a maraschino cherry factory." And there are 32 more kids on gurneys. Yee-ha! Way to crack that whip, Dr. Lewis. Now take it right over to Weaver's place.

The crime report — The detective tells Sam that the rapist has attacked four other women, and that one of the four died from the horrible beatings the guy's fond of. The detective is telling the story just the right way to get Sam to respond. I can't decide whose side I'm on.

The drill — Okay, apparently the fake patients are girl scouts or something. It's mayhem, but it's funny.

Mi-Cha — Wendall, that foxy social worker, is giving Abby the eye while interrogating the Korean girl. Or maybe that's just me. And of course Carter is giving Wendall the eye, and Carter is also trying to keep the family together, because he's all about the family thing. So he goes ahead and tells Mi-Cha's mom about the pregnancy, even though he's breaking doctor-patient confidentiality. And it does no good: the mom just walks out, after announcing that Mi-Cha's father won't let his daughter back in the house.

Sam the superhero — Sam talks to Louise about her idea for whispering to the detective. It's hard to tell how Louise is feeling about it all, but Sam has that kind of face that you trust, so Louise consents.

Weaver vs. Lewis — Oh, apparently Dr. Lewis didn't order the drill; but she did know about it and thought it was supposed to be a secret. Weaver says that a hint might have helped, and then proceeds to take control — but all the girls are on their cell phones or doing something or other and are not afraid of Kerry Weaver. That is, not until she slams her crutch on a tray thingie — and then the girls and I sit up and say "Yes, ma'am!!"

Weaver: "That's much better. Thank you."

Dr. Lewis smirks in the background as if she's thinking "mmm, and I get to take that home tonight." I'm not making this up.

A close one — Luka's on his way to see what's going on with Louise, when Chuny distracts him with something else. So Sam and the detective continue to ask Louise questions, and all they get out of it is that the rapist is white, and kind of medium or maybe tall.

Carter's tragedy — Abby tries to get Carter to talk to Mi-Cha, but then Carter realizes that Morris has downloaded and printed pictures of Kem, just because Morris is that kind of a jerk. So Carter hollers at Morris, defending his woman, and then goes back to hold Mi-Cha's baby, pretending to be a dad. I liked it better when Carter was a pill hound, and that's really saying something.

Wendall shows up and tells Carter that he's out of line (well, not in so many words). Yeah, good job, Carter: now Mi-Cha is extra traumatized. At least now Wendall knows that Abby's the real catch of the ER.

Sam's nightmare — Louise coughs, and then vomits, and Sam tells the detective to get Dr. Kovac. Luka's none too happy, of course, and that's because Louise has aspirated and Sam has gone too far. Also, he's just cranky Luka now, because it's easier.

Carter pouts — Carter tells Abby that she and Wendall can handle the Mi-Cha situation without him. Yeah, and a lot of other things, probably. Abby doesn't argue.

It turns out that Mi-Cha's brother, who is 23, is developmentally delayed and spends a lot of time with his sister. Abby tries not to stare the truth into Mi-Cha, but clearly suspects the brother of a little hanky panky. And the brother knows full well there's a baby, and that makes Mi-Cha realize it too. The brother keeps saying he didn't tell anybody, and we all feel sorry for him, and Abby waits to hear the truth.

The drill — One of the scouts is really hyper and over-helpful, so Lewis decides she's had enough.

Dr. Lewis: "That's it. I'm done. You're all out of here."
The woman in the orange vest: "Excuse me?"
Dr. Lewis: "Every observer, all the little girls — out. Now. This drill is over."
The woman in the orange vest: "You can't do that!"
Dr. Lewis: "I'm the Chief of Emergency Medicine here, and I damn well can. We don't need this drill. We had a helicopter crash in our ambulance bay, for God's sake. So you can take your little clipboards and your little Ranger Scouts and hit some other sucker hospital, because my doctors and my nurses need to get back to treating real patients with real problems. You got it?"

Yes, ma'am! And ah, the helicopter crashing right on top of Romano: good times.

Jerry claps for Dr. Lewis. Cute.

Somewhere else — Hmm, there's Jing-Mei. Where the hell has she been? She has her dad with her. And she's impressed by Lewis, who's breezing through giving orders. Both Pratt and Chen sit up and say "yes, ma'am" too.

Abby gets through — Abby tells Mi-Cha's story: the brother is not the father. Mi-Cha has a boyfriend, and got her brother to cover for her. Carter tells Abby she's done good work, but Abby doesn't really need to hear that, and anyway, Wendall's there to get the scoop on Carter. Perhaps you two should discuss this over a drink or some pillows.

The part of the show where all hell breaks loose — In the ambulance bay, Jing-Mei's dad screams at everyone. In the trauma room, Louise starts to die. In Pratt's head, everything revolves around him.

Luka covers for Sam as Louise dies. Lewis is satisfied that everything's okay, but the Luka/Sam love nest is probably not too likely to recover.

Carter's la-la land — Wendall is with Mi-Cha. Carter watches them through the door, and then Wendall goes out to listen to Carter apologize and explain. Wendall asks him if he's getting some help, because she clearly doesn't know him, and then tells him good night. She doesn't want to be late for her Lockhart date.

Death — Sam stays with Louise, waiting for the morgue or the coroner or whomever, and the episode dies too.

NEXT TIME ON ER: Nothing: we all get to be thankful for the break.

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