ER recap: An Intern's Guide To The Galaxy (Season Eleven, Episode Five) (original air date 4 Nov 2004)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Weaver: Missing in action.
• Lockhart: Dammit, Jim, she's a doctor, not a physicist.
• Ray: Plenty of donuts and hubris to go around.

Morning — I love this song. It's "Where Do I Begin" by The Chemical Brothers, and it's available on the Vanilla Sky soundtrack, which is actually a terrific collection of songs.

What's also terrific is Neela, as she goes for her morning run and recites defibrillator procedure. Those of you who think Neela is annoying are missing something: she's kind of a young Weaver, determined to succeed, yet questioning herself every step of the way.

And here's her girlfriend — the delicious just-woke-up Abby, whose pajamas are sexier than anything I own. She gets the paper, and looks at the stack of old papers. She waters her dead plant, and then tosses it. All of this with that quizzically indifferent look on her face. Yum.

And then we switch to Ray, whom I'm officially calling Doogie from now on. He's tripping over things as he leaves his latest conquest. Whatever.

The ambulance bay — Abby tells Neela to quit whining and take the job she's got, even if it is windowless and oppressive. Neela's worried that everyone knows she had a complete meltdown and quit, but at least she's not Doogie, who's letting an ambulance pull him along on his skateboard because he's just like Tony Hawk, or perhaps he's a complete git.

Abby, Neela, and Ray work on the person who was in the ambulance. Neela is generally kinda rusty; Abby is competent as usual; and Doogie is an ass. And they're doing it all in the waiting area because there are no trauma rooms — that is, until Dr. Lewis shows up to get things under control.

The round-up — Neela impresses everyone with her knowledge as Lewis and Carter ask her questions. Ray charms the med students, or something like that. And one of the med students is still charmed by Abby, who finds that fact very amusing.

Pratt runs the board and tells the interns they'll each have to discharge 25 patients this shift. Ah, American healthcare under the Bush administration: congratulations, voters.

Neela's med student is Sara Gilbert. Cool: it's always nice to up the gay quotient a little. What? She's not gay? Hmmm.

Ray, I mean Doogie, gives the nurses chocolate so they'll do him favors. Ick.

A possible case of TB — The patient thinks Abby's not a real doctor. I have two words for you, TB dude: who cares?

And then Abby and Neela toss around a bunch of medical terms, and it's all cool, because that's what used to make this show great.

Another patient, Juan, wants to go home but is covered with bruises. Neela is worried, but she always looks worried, so it's kind of hard to tell.

Getting the lead out — Doogie struts around and treats, or disposes of, a kid with lead poisoning. You know, we already have Pratt: did we really need another jerk in the cast this season? I miss George Clooney. He was at least a cute jerk.

Abby critiques Doogie's technique, but of course he's not listening. Carter wanders by and tells them to suit up for a trauma.

The trauma — This is supposed to be Abby's patient — the victim of a jet ski accident — but Doogie takes over and starts running things. Dubenko is there to watch everything go wrong — and to tell Abby that she plays with her hair when she's nervous and that she shouldn't let the boys bully her. Hmm. I hate the fact that he's kinda right.

Dubenko proceeds to give the interns little lessons in g-force, at which point Abby says, "We're doctors, not physicists." Haha! And Dubenko is still fixated on Abby's hair. Well, actually, I can't blame him for that last part.

The contest — Doogie is way ahead in the dispo count; Abby's in second place and Neela's way behind. Isn't it comforting to know that patient care is driven by tally marks on a white board? "Dispo" is supposed to mean "disposition," I think, but it really means "disposal."

Dubenko's pearls of wisdom — In the trauma room, Dubenko switches from physics to chemistry, with a lesson in free radicals. Abby gets to do the cool paddle/clear thing, and at some point Dubenko sort of calls her a witch doctor, which could annoy me, except I'd sorta like to see Abby in a kind of Wiccan/goth costume. Speaking of which, don't we usually get an ER Halloween episode? Those were the days.

Doogie keeps interrupting, so Abby finally gives him the paddles and gives up. Next time, Abby, you should charge them before you give them to him. And don't say "clear."

Neela's personal hell — Neela's getting everything backwards, pandering to Pratt and being mean to Sara Gilbert. I guess it's still better than working at Jumbo Mart.

Abby's TLC — While everyone's being callous, Abby offers a chair to the wife of the jet ski guy. And then she takes the time to figure out what's going on with a woman who's swallowed just about everything in her medicine cabinet. You call her Dr. Lockhart; I call her Dr. Be-Still-My-Heart.

Doogie's downfall — Hey, remember that kid with lead poisoning? Turns out Ray tried to release him without an attending's signature. Carter is happy to correct him, and scold him a little, and for the first time in my life I actually like Carter.

The faithful — Juan, the guy with the bruises, has leukemia, but he thinks he's being punished because he hit someone with his car. Neela is kind of thrown by the whole thing and can't find a way to tell him that he has leukemia. Sara Gilbert asks her why. Stop questioning her and go ask Abby out, okay?

Embracing uncertainty — Speaking of Abby, she tries to tell Mr. Cranky that he's going to have to take the TB medicine even though they don't know for sure that he has TB. So Pratt steps in and tries to reassure the guy, and then tries to tell Abby that she should watch and learn. Where is Weaver with her crutch when you need her?

Pratt also finds time to scold Neela, while calling Doogie "my man." The old boys' network is alive and well. But I guess we had more than enough proof of that on November 2nd.

Another chemistry lesson — Dubenko decides to scrawl all over the wall in order to teach the interns about free radicals. He keeps picking on Abby, who doesn't seem to know how to draw an oxygen atom. Oh, shut up, Dubenko: I think Abby knows a hell of a lot more about chemistry than you ever will.

As they walk away, Neela tells Abby that nobody could tell she didn't know how to draw the atom. Abby says it wasn't that: it was Dubenko's creepy ways. Yeah, that's enough to make anybody forget about electrons.

That new social worker, Wendall, gives Doogie the kind of attitude she gave Carter when she made her first appearance. She tells Doogie he needs to use the post-mortem checklist, and Carter, who's watching with much interest, seems to find it a bit amusing. Why do all the new chicks have to go to Carter? Can't Weaver get any of them?

Product placement — The med student who has a crush on Abby gives her a Coke. Awwww.

Meanwhile, Neela's med student is bugging her.

Neela: "Were we that annoying?"
Abby: "I wasn't."

A skateboarder comes in, having just been hit by a fire truck. He's wearing sunglasses and headphones and is not too worried about anything. Ah, the iPod: they should have named it iSoma.

A failure to communicate — Doogie pretends to run through the post-mortem checklist with the wife of the jet ski guy. Surprise, surprise, he's not really listening, so as she talks about her kids, he just marks off boxes willy-nilly.

Dr. Bigheart — Abby tries to figure out why that woman swallowed everything in her medicine cabinet. The woman wasn't trying to kill herself, and is kinda reluctant to tell Abby exactly what went down, but those brown eyes are full of kindness, so the woman 'fesses up. Turns out that, despite avoiding HIV through five years of intravenous drug use, the woman made one mistake: she had unprotected sex with an HIV-positive commodities trader. Lockhart and her big brown compassionate eyes tell the woman that it just might be okay.

The ambulance bay — Neela berates herself because the leukemia patient has disappeared. Doogie's not really listening, as usual, because he's excited to give the nurses their "nighttime feeding" in the form of a box of donuts.

Some sort of X-ray situation — Abby listens to the skateboarder's iPod. She says "Beastie Boys" in that loud toneless way you say things when you can't hear yourself. It's adorable, and this time it's not just because I'm smitten. She's also wearing these weird glasses that have something to do with resetting the broken leg. As she and Luka put the bones back into place, Abby asks about getting a prophylactic cocktail for the woman who was exposed to HIV. But Luka says no, that's only for health care workers, and is too expensive for everyone else. Oh, I get it: it's cheaper to treat — and fail to prevent the spread of — AIDS, right?

More life lessons — Pratt tells Neela to stop being a "slow A+" and become a "fast B" instead. Fine, but what does that make him? I don't know how grades are assigned on the full-of-yourself scale.

Neela asks Abby where she gets her confidence. Abby says it takes time.

Neela: "I don't even know why I'm here."
Abby: "Listen: every shift at about this time, I start fantasizing about working in a tollbooth."

Ooh: I think I'll be having my own tollbooth fantasies tonight.

And just to give me more to fantasize about, Abby barks back at Pratt when he tells her she's lagging behind in the dispo contest. He backs down, because who wouldn't?

Abby also calls the employee health hotline and pretends she's been stuck by a needle, so she can get the cocktail for the woman who slept with the HIV-positive guy. Right on, Dr. Maverick.

Another Doogie fiasco — Remember that post-mortem checklist? Turns out Doogie incorrectly marked the "okay" box for organ donation, when the woman actually said nothing of the sort. So Carter yells at Doogie in front of his med students, and it's like Christmas morning for me.

The chapel — The guy who has leukemia is praying. Neela tells him that it's not any sort of divine punishment thing and that he can still get through it if he gets the proper care. Forget that white board with the tallies: Abby and Neela are the real doctors who actually listen to the patients.

The rumor mill — Everyone has heard about Abby's needle stick, and offers sympathy — including the new foxy social worker, Wendall, who says "page me if you wanna talk." C'mon, Wendall, you can do better than offer half-hearted concern: perhaps a drink and dinner? And breakfast?

Doogie's attempt at redemption — The bereaved widow is kind of in shock, and Doogie tries to make light of the "misunderstanding" about the organ donation, and offers to call the woman a cab. What an asshole this guy is.

Unfortunately, sometimes you need a favor from an asshole, so Abby asks Doogie to doctor up the HIV med labels so that they no longer have Abby's name on them. Crap: now she's gonna owe him something.

And just because one ill-suited couple is not enough, Carter offers to walk out with Wendall. Yuck.

Oh, make that almost three ill-suited couples:

Urbanus (the clueless med student): "You have dinner plans tonight?"
Abby: "No."
Urbanus: "Maybe that was too subtle. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"
Abby: "It wasn't too subtle, Urbanus. I got it."
Urbanus: "Answer's still no?"
Abby: "Yeah."

The white board — And the winner is: Sam, with 75 discharges! Right on.

Doogie is drinking Ensure or something like that.

Doogie: "After-work cocktail?"
Neela: "That's totally gross."
Doogie: "Good, let's go get a real drink then."
Abby: "Mm, not a chance."
Neela: "I'm exhausted."

What they're really trying to say is that they have other plans, involving going home, together, to a messy apartment, not enough coffee, and a big soft bed. Or maybe they're going to swing by an empty tollbooth first.

Never mind my fantasies: there's that groovy Chemical Brothers song again to take us out.

NEXT TIME ON ER: Yet another episode you'll never forget. More importantly, has Abby cut her hair??

More ER Recaps