ER recap: Try Carter (Season Eleven, Episode Three) (original air date 14 Oct 2004)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Barnett: Fatal arrogance.
• Neela: Self-imposed loserdom.
• Lockhart: Risk of lethality to med students' egos.

Carter's words of wisdom — I know I'm in trouble as soon as I see the title of this episode: "Try Carter." No, please, let's not. Anyway, there he is, arriving at the ER on his bike, in the dark. Luka's there with coffee (for himself, not for Carter) and news about the night shift. Carter's apparently trying to "get a jump on the day," and is full of other clichés, but we know he's there because he has no life, can't sleep, and probably needs to raid the drug lockup in order to feed his rediscovered addiction. And Luka knows it too: he asks, "Did you call Kem?" — and even in the dark, and even with those stupid perpetually-raised eyebrows factored in, it's clear that Carter does not like the question much.

Also, apparently it's the Fourth of July. What?

Abby's morning — Abby is checking herself out in the mirror. Neela is checking Abby out, from the couch. Actually, no, Neela is just staring at the TV. Could it be post-coital bliss? Alas, it seems to be post-residency blues. Also, she's used all the milk on her cereal, so now Abby has no milk for her coffee. Wait, didn't we do this awkward morning thing last week? Could we maybe try an awkward bedtime thing next week, just to shake things up a little?

Abby hints that maybe Neela should get out a little, and offers to talk to Kerry again about finding Neela a job. Well, what she actually says is, "Listen, if you want, I can take another run at Weaver. Maybe something's opened up at the hospital." I can't even begin to analyze all the Freudian slippage.

Neela says she doesn't want to work at the hospital and pretends to have job interviews lined up. Abby, perhaps you should mention that the position of Dr. Lockhart's Sex Slave is still available?

Neela also offers to get groceries, which make Abby smile, until she hears the catch, which is that Neela needs money in order to actually buy the groceries. Slip her a little extra, Abby: maybe she'll stop at the "toy" store on the way home and get you a special surprise. Don't give me that blank look: you know I'm not talking about teddy bears and rubber duckies. Well, maybe rubber duckies.

The ER: Luka is sleeping behind his sunglasses while a med student rambles on. Hey, that's actually cool: those ER hijinks used to be one of the best parts of this show. Well, those and Dr. Legaspi.

Then, in a show of I-don't-know-what, we get this little exchange. Frank is putting up Fourth of July decorations and wearing a sort of Uncle Sam or extreme patriotism costume.

Carter: "Hey, Frank, that's a very nice touch. You look um, very, um... "
Malik: "Gay?"
Carter: "Patriotic."

What the hell was that? Frank just looks stupid, which, in a Weaver-enlightened atmosphere, should not equal "gay." Anyway, you're the one wearing pink, Malik.

Malik asks Carter how many Red Bulls he's had today. Do not mock the almighty Red Bull! And we all know that's not what Carter's been indulging in.

Morris wanders by, barking at med students. Sam tells Carter that yesterday she saw Morris injecting "lido with epi into a toe." Yay, more classic ER: lido! epi! toes!

Sam finds Luka and takes his sunglasses off to reveal his closed eyes. Fine, but it was funnier when we had to notice it and figure it out.

What, we're only just now getting to the theme song? It's gonna be a long night. I have written lyrics to this theme song. I used to think they were great, but I'm realizing they don't adapt well to cast changes.

Back in the ER, Pratt gives the med students some assignments in his uniquely insulting way. Carter says he's surprised to see Pratt back so soon. I'm not: we all know that stuff didn't really happen, because nobody gets shot at by a road rager and drives into the river and lives to tell about it. Again I seem to have forgotten which show I'm watching.

Carter asks how Deb is. Pratt doesn't really know. Maybe you should ask him how Jing-Mei is, Carter, since that's how the rest of the world refers to her.

The victim of a stabbing comes in, but this guy claims to have been shot six times, so he's not worried. And the guy is black, so of course the writers decide that Pratt should spend some quality time with him.

Barnett, the new intern who's awfully fond of himself, manages to irritate me even more than Carter does. I don't even know what the hell he's talking about, because I stopped listening when he rudely said "Yo, Lockhart" to Abby. That's Doctor Lockhart to you!

A coffee shop — Neela applies for a barrista job. The manager guy is not impressed with her non-coffee credentials.

The ER — One of the med students asks Frank whether "that intern, Abby" is seeing anybody.

Frank: "Just me. It's a casual sexual relationship, but we're always looking for a third."

Frank, I've never liked you, but that absolutely rocked.

But the guy is not deterred, so after asking Abby for advice about a puking kid, he says this:

Med student: "And what would you do if a med student asked you out?"
Abby: "Call for a psych consult."

Snap! And we know she's really wishing that if she did call for a psych consult, Dr. Legaspi would come bouncing down with her smelly chips and gorgeous smile. Sigh.

The funniest part is the look Abby gives the guy, sorta like "take that, loser."

And she keeps dishing it out, as Dr. Barnett helps out with the victim of a bike-versus-bike crash. He starts talking about his band, so Abby calls him "Dr. Bon Jovi." Whee!

Elsewhere, the stabbing victim resists all the care that Pratt and Carter try to give him, so Pratt says, "what part of 'you could die' don't you understand"? And then in a little private consultation, Pratt tells Carter the guy is stupid and needs an "idiot consult." Oh, you mean right after you've had yours?

Barnett is still working with the bike crash victim, who seems to be a bit loopy. Abby thinks the guy needs a head CT, but Barnett disagrees, so they try to put Carter in the middle. Eww, not like that.

A GSW comes in. Carter tells Abby to run it and tells Barnett to order a head CT on the bike crash guy. Yeah, take that, smarmy Barnett: Abby rules and you suck.

A new surgical attending shows up to help with the GSW. Oh, are we finally going to get rid of Corday today? Almost as soon as they all get started, Abby declares that the GSW victim has no brain activity. The victim's girlfriend, who looks awfully familiar, says he doesn't have any family. No brain, no family: that's not bad. The really painful thing is brainless family members.

Barnett says the head CT was negative, so Abby asks the bike crash guy some questions and says he still seems altered and possibly stoned. Barnett doesn't want to do a tox screen because it might turn into a workers comp case, so Abby says, "What is he, your dealer?" Gah. If this is supposed to be the new rivalry or whatever, it's not going to work, and with my luck the writers will try to turn it into a sexual thing. Yeah, Maura's hot, but she doesn't have chemistry with everyone: honor her wishes and give her a fling with Weaver.

Anyway, Abby goes right to Sam and gets the tox screen done.

A snobby shop — Neela tries again to apply for a job, but the snooty skinny thing behind the counter essentially tells her she's not fashionable enough. Neela, please go back to the ER and beg for something: this is getting tiresome.

The ER — Malik runs by. Carter says "where's the fire?" Malik says "Exam 3." Ha!

So yeah, there's a fire, or more accurately, a stink bomb. Stinky ER: that's about right.

Elsewhere, Corday argues with the new surgical attending guy. He seems to be taking on the asshole/Rocket Romano role. Recycled plots, recycled parts: stink bomb!

Carter goes to get some sort of beverage and sort of sleeps against the vending machine. Then he sees the girlfriend of the GSW guy and sorta wakes up, and then he sees a med student almost making a mistake, based on Pratt's instructions. So he sends Pratt home. Oh, the drama. I might have to start skipping the Carter scenes. The recaps would be mercifully short.

Abby reveals that the GSW guy is HIV-positive, so he's no good as an organ donor. Then she asks Carter to go to a meeting with her, but he dodges the question. The girlfriend of the GSW guy — Derek — shows up with a friend, Douglas, who's also HIV-positive and needs a liver. Hey, that's excellent: let's do it.

Barnett tries to lecture Sam, but she walks away, because nobody wants to listen to Smarmett.

A woman comes in with scary bruises: she's been strangled. The woman is wearing a stars-and-stripes bikini top, so Sam says, "God bless America." Sam, I kinda like you, but maybe you could date Abby or Neela instead: I'm over Luka.

The street — Woah, it's Weaver! In a rather foxy suit, I might add. Corday is trying to talk to her, to complain about the new surgical attending, Dubenko, but Weaver's not really listening. Corday wants to know why the only candidate she didn't endorse ended up getting hired. Weaver says, "Elizabeth, why are you taking this so personally?" Oh, I dunno: maybe because you're being so impersonal?

In the stink bomb smoke — Carter tells Dubenko about the liver-harvesting opportunity. Dubenko says no way, it's against the rules, and something smells. Carter says it's the stink bomb. Yeah, sure it is, Carter.

So Carter approaches Corday, who says that Dubenko is "cowardly and cocky" and "the perfect compliment to Weaver's treachery and ambition" and that Carter will just have to learn to deal with him. Wooo! Start burning those bridges, Corday. Toss a stink bomb while you're at it.

The mall — Neela sits on a bench that's also serving as an ad for a job agency.

The job placement agency — Neela did well on her placement test but has no experience, so things don't look good. The placement person asks her what she can do, so she says "Well, let's see: I can crack open your chest, reinflate your lung and squeeze your heart back to life."

The ER — Carter's still trying to convince Corday to do the illegal liver-harvesting. Corday starts to worry about losing her job or her license or whatever. Ah, foreshadowing.

Corday: "How do you think Weaver's going to react?"
Carter: "Well, she ... yeah, she might have a little issue with this."
Corday: "She'll have a bloody conniption fit. Which in itself is almost worth the risk. [pause] Screw it...screw it. Prep him. I'll mobilize the team."

Down the hall, Sam teases Abby about ordering the tox screen and whines a little about the fact that Barnett yelled at her; but then she tells Abby she was right. Oh, even though Barnett said she was wrong? Hmm.

Abby corners Carter and tries to get him to go to that meeting, but he just walks away.

And then Abby gets to walk away from Barnett, after telling him that the altered biker has a toxic aspirin level. Take that, Smarmett!

Recycled plot land — Susan Lewis shows up with a baby on her hip. I wondered why she was still in the credits. She gets all goo-gooey about her baby and plops it on Carter's shoulder. Yeah, good move: he's completely emotionally equipped to handle that right now.

An OR — One of the med students is reciting every step of a procedure as he goes along. He seems kinda OCD, or worse. (Author's note: I type as I watch, so no, I do not intentionally give away plot points. The show is just that predictable.)

The lobby — Woah. Susan Lewis's husband, Chuck, got his hair cut. Now he's no longer cute.

The OR — Howard, that OCD med student, is essentially paralyzed with fear. He overturns a tray of instruments and continues to freak out, so Abby takes over. She doesn't care if the damn instruments were on the floor: it's time to save a life, as the music clearly indicates.

Howard walks out of the room, looking broken. There's always one med student who falls apart. I'm glad there was no vomit involved this time.

A soccer game — Luka watches Sam's son Alex, who seems to be pretty good. Luka looks like a proud pop. Afterwards, he offers to help Alex practice, but Alex says he already has a dad.

The ER —Abby breezes by that student who's hot for her, and finds Howard outside. She asks if he has OCD, and of course he runs away from the question.

The locker room — Carter goes to his locker and finds Chuck sitting there, breast-feeding. Yes, that's right: he's got some sort of "supplemental nursing device." Chuck, I used to dig you, but between the haircut and the breast-feeding, the thrill is gone.

Outside — Barnett calls to Abby — well, he calls her "Rockheart," and then pretends he didn't. Abby's looking sensational in her cool shades, and looks even cooler as she turns down Smarmett's dinner invitation.

Abby follows Smarmett to a grocery store and asks him about Howard. Suddenly Barnett looks over to the counter, and says, "Didn't she used to work in the hospital?" That's right, it's Neela, wearing one of those horrible Statute of Liberty foam things on her head and saying, "Hello and welcome to Jumbo Mart." Abby tries not to laugh.

Abby: "What are you doing?"
Neela: "Working."
Abby: "Here... ?"
Neela: "We have a special on our Fourth of July cupcakes: buy two and get one free."

Abby can't believe Neela didn't try harder to get a job in a hospital or clinic or something, but Neela says she's a loser and "not even an American." What? Oh. Well, get Abby to marry you so you can get a green card. Yeah, I'm in fantasyland again.

Luka's place — Alex and Luka play a game while Sam flops on the couch. Cute family, but Alex and Sam are not quite ready for it, so they leave.

The ER — Carter learns that Ray, a.k.a. Smarmett, has been living in the call room and cooking on the roof. So he goes to see for himself and finds Barnett grilling brats and playing his guitar — or "noodling," as it's more properly called, meaning it sounds like crap. He offers Carter a beer, but Carter actually says no.

Some fireworks go off. In the sky, not between Barnett and Carter, because that would be too patriotic. Or gay. Whatever.

NEXT TIME ON ER: "One woman's story will remind you why ER is television's finest hour. And an old friend returns to the ER, but someone else is never coming back." That's what the announcer said. I heard, "The wait is over: Dr. Legaspi returns, slaps a straitjacket on Carter, and lounges in the hot tub with Weaver, Abby, and Neela." Now that's television's finest hour!

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