ER rec(r)ap: Carter est Amoureux (Season Eleven, Episode Twenty-One)
(original air date 12 May 2005)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Ray: Screwing up.
• Neela: Screwing up.
• Abby: Screwing up.
• Everyone: Screwed up.

Here we are again — Didja see the title of this episode? Carter est Amoureux. In my mind I'm changing it to Carter est A-bore-oh.

Carter's hanging out at the construction site of the new wing/clinic/whatever, watching them break ground. Abby wanders up beside him and asks if he's surveying his kingdom. I don't care how many riches are displayed before me: if Abby's nearby, that's the only thing I'm surveying. Does anybody look better in black?

She congratulates Carter on his tenure, and can tell he's not as thrilled as he should be. They talk about how fast the year went — they can say that because they didn't have to recap it.

Inside, Lewis is telling Morris how to be a chief resident. Unless "telling" somehow involves completely replacing his brain and his personality, I don't think it's going to work.

Lewis also hands around resident contracts for the next year — but to Ray she just says, "We need to find some time to talk about yours." Oooooo. Don't tease me like that!

Time to talk — Luka and Sam are at couples therapy. Sam is being friendly; Luka's just sitting there and letting her talk. So talk she does: she says "I don't think Luka and I should be together." He looks a bit stunned, in that subtle expressionless Luka way.

Mr. Lillian — He's not looking so good. He was checking for radiator leaks while his engine was running, and his hair got caught in a belt. It "avulsed his whole scalp," which means exactly what you think it means. (But just to make sure we get it, Carter picks up the bloody scalp and kinda makes a "huh, look at that" face.) Mr. Lillian also stuck his hand in the moving fan to try to pull his hair out. Mr. Lillian, have you heard of the Darwin awards?

So Neela's running this show, but she forgets something, and Carter and Pratt are not very impressed. It's okay, Neela: just be glad you actually get to be in this episode. I have no idea where you've been for the last few weeks.

Pratt has to leave the room for a bit because his friend from high school is there and wants to talk. Huh? That couldn't wait? A scalp avulsion might be a little bit more urgent.

Tell us how you really feel — Luka insists he's happy with Sam. She says he's not.

Sam: "He's like a sphinx. I never know what he's thinking."
Luka: "We talk."
Sam: "We don't talk. I talk. You sit there and smile. Occasionally you nod."

The therapist tries to get Luka to say what he's feeling. He says he's happy and Sam's not, and he doesn't know why.

Luka: "We're healthy, we enjoy each other, our work... we have a good life."

I kinda get that, Luka. Sometimes it's enough. But it's not enough for Sam.

Therapist: "How does that make you feel, Sam?"
Sam: "Like hitting him over the head with a fuh... hammer."

I love the way she says "fuh."

When it rains — A guy named Billy is lying on a gurney in the ER, minding his own business, when shit starts falling on him. No, I mean really: shit is dripping down from the ceiling. Billy's a funny guy — he screams: "It smells like crap! It IS crap! Bad enough I'm stuck in here; you gotta let the building crap on me??"

As Neela and Abby roll him out of harm's way, Neela tells him it's just his DT's kicking in. You're evil, Neela! Heh heh.

Neela and Abby aren't too worried about the crap; they just tell Frank to get maintenance to look at it. Neela's more interested in the fact that Carter got tenure and Lewis didn't.

Abby: "Yep."
Neela: "Well, how do you explain that? Lewis has more seniority; she runs the E.R."
Morris: "Bada-bing, show me the green."

But Chuny knows what the real story is:

Chuny: "Highly qualified woman, well-liked man. Who do ya think they're gonna get?"
Frank: "Put your bra back on, Gloria Steinem. Carter's been here 10 years; Lewis split and then came back."
Abby: [sarcastically] "Yeah, and it's a level playing field now. Haven't you heard?"

Well, maybe this will help level it out: here's Lewis, sternly asking Barnett if he has a moment for her. I am starting to feel gleeful, which I'm sure means I'll be disappointed.

Urban life — Pratt's friend's son (try to keep up) got in trouble for tagging, and had some weed on him too. (Tagging = graffiti; weed = marijuana; slang = authenticity. Right.) So Pratt's friend wants his son to do his community service in the hospital. Are you sure? The building craps on people!

The urge to fast-forward — It turns out Luka would sorta like to have another kid, despite losing his wife and kids in Croatia. Sam doesn't understand why he won't talk about his past — she says he won't let her in. Actually, I think he doesn't want to let himself in, as far as that stuff goes.

Irony — Abby is wondering why every kid named Destiny, Miracle, or Faith ends up with leukemia. Because the universe is raining down shit, Abby. You of all people should know that — I think it's how you ended up with whats-his-name with the beard. (Oh, and I forgot to mention that whats-his-name is at Tulane, still trying to decide where he wants to go next. I don't care where it is as long as it's away from Abby.)

Carter just kind of says "hmm" about the leukemia thing. Same as he did with the scalp guy. Apathetic much, Johnny boy?

Frank: "You got another call from your Kenyan love nest."
Carter: "It's the Congo, Frank. And I know that you know it's the Congo."
Frank: "Kenya, Congo, it's all mosquitos the size of flying toasters, to me. She sounded kinda of upset."

As Carter tries to reach Kem, the maintenance guy says the raw sewage will only be seeping for another hour or two. So about as long as it takes to recap the show, then? How appropriate.

Facing the music — Lewis asks Ray what he's doing, watching the clock all day and taking up space. She tells him to do air transport or work at a doc-in-the-box if he just wants to make enough money to support his music. She leaves him with the contract, telling him not to sign it if he's not sure it's what he wants to do.

Ugh. If that were really the rule for life, I'd never sign anything. Except maybe a piece of paper that said "Sign here if you want Ray to leave the show."

Speaking of leaving — Carter's on his way to Paris. That's where Kem's mom lives, and something's wrong with Kem's mom. Listen carefully, Carter: I'm about to say something nice to you. That's very cool of you to be there for Kem like that. Okay, now stop listening, because I'm sure I'll never be nice like that again.

A good life — After therapy, Luka asks Sam whether she needs anything from Home Depot. He's going there to get some anchors for a towel bar that Alex tore down.

Sam can't believe Luka is talking about towel bars after they've just been dealing with such major stuff, so she walks away from him and tells him to leave her alone.

As she goes, he kinda gapes and stares, and seems to need air.

Sigh. Luka, you can come watch my TV and fix things around the house if you want. I won't ask you about your past. I can't make any promises about the sex thing, though, even though you are pretty cute.

Paris — Carter is in a taxi, and it looks like maybe they really did fly Noah Wyle out there to film him riding around and looking concerned. Go ahead, throw money at the show: it's not going to help.

Back in Chicago, Lewis tells Luka that Kem's mother has meningitis and is immunosuppressed from chemotherapy, and also that she and Luka get to pick up the slack while "Professor Carter" is away. Heh.

Meanwhile, Neela and Abby are not impressed with Morris's shift assignments. Ray's happy, though — he got Morris some Cubs tickets in exchange for every weekend off. Gah.

Neela: "Dr. Lewis?!"
Lewis: "He's the chief."
Luka: [off to the side, to Lewis] "Any way we can make Abby chief resident?"

Yes! Please!

But Lewis points out that if Morris is the chief, it keeps him from seeing patients, so it's all for the greater good. Oh. Okay, yeah, then please don't make Abby the chief: I'd have to change my fantasy plans to go to the ER and put myself in her very capable hands.

Sam's still not speaking to Luka. And Pratt's friend's son doesn't really want to talk to Pratt either. But he shapes up when Pratt says the door's that way.

Step it up — Pratt and Neela go to the ambulance bay to wait for a septic newborn. That sounds wrong, but that's what they said. Pratt is also scolding Neela for not knowing her antibiotics, and is telling her to "step it up" because she's about to be a 2nd-year resident. Oh, whatever, Pratt. Neela has more natural talent for medicine than you have for pissing me off, and that's saying something.

Paris — Carter's looking pretty tired. He wanders around the hospital, but there's nobody at the front desk. He finally finds someone and stumbles his way with his basic French — wait. Carter's rich and super-educated and doesn't speak French? Huh. That kinda surprises me.

He makes his way to Kem's mom's room, and checks the IV. The woman in the bed looks awfully young, but anyway.

He finally finds Kem; she's startled and wishes he'd told her he was coming. Ouch. Turns out Kem's mom isn't in a lot of danger, either. Do you ever feel kind of useless, Carter? No?

Some guy shows up; it's Kem's old friend, Michel. Kem tells Michel that Carter is "un ami a moi," which kinda stings Carter. I could feel sorry for him, but I'm just happy to see Thandie Newton 'cause she's brilliant and beautiful.

Back in Chicago, Neela and Pratt try to help the baby. God, she's only eight days old. And she still has her umbilical stump, so Neela asks for an umbilical line kit because the IO line is infiltrated. I don't really know what any of that means, but I know that Chuny's face is saying "what the hell?"

Pratt and Jerry and Morris are talking at the admit desk, but I don't care.

Abby shows up to tell them about a "small bowel obstruction, secondary to a popcorn overdose." What?? Oh, a six-year-old ate a big tub of popcorn all by himself. She says "call surgery, get a C.T.," but I can't tell if she's telling Pratt to do that or making sure it's okay to do so. Pratt ignores her, so Morris nods in a fakely encouraging way. Um, did you just dis Abby? You suck, Morris. Not only that: you're boring and you're such a non-character, you don't even really bother me. Go away, little gnat.

Dejected — In Paris, Carter shuffles down the sidewalk outside the hospital. Kem follows him and asks where he's going; he says he might as well go back to the airport. Kem figures out that he's jealous of her old friend Michel. She sort of chuckles, and Carter says "Hey, don't do that. Don't laugh at me," and I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He gets all pouty and tries to leave.

Kem: "Don't be so dramatic."
Carter: "Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm tired, and I shouldn't have just barged in on you, and I feel completely ridiculous."
Kem: "Actually, it was very sweet."

But he's still pouting, so she finally tells him to stay. Try to pay attention, Carter: she's trying to give you a chance.

Oops — Pratt finds out that Neela is doing the umbilical line thing, and is not happy. The baby's mom starts to freak out. Neela seems to have no clue what she's done wrong. Me neither.

Cool car — Michel and Kem drop Carter off at his hotel. Michel has one of those teeny cars. Imagine how easy it would be to park that thing! Is Kem sitting on Carter's lap or something? Because there's no way that seats three people.

A scolding — Pratt is yelling at Neela for placing umbilical lines by herself. Oh, so the idea was okay — just not the initiative. Again, I'm siding with Neela.

Pratt: "You can't go playing neonatologist whenever you feel like it."
Neela: "I did a bunch of these when we rotated through the NICU."

Pratt says that was too long ago. Would you stop yelling at her? She's about to cry.

Oh, I anticipated a script line (yes, I really do type these as I watch):

Neela: "You told me to take more initiative."
Pratt: "Initiative. What about common sense, Neela?"

And then Neela does cry, and Pratt mocks her for it and tells her she has to start using her head. Geez. Maybe Neela and Luka should just go work at Home Depot and enjoy a simple life.

No sleep for you — Carter's phone is ringing. He turns on the light and answers it — "Bonjour. Hello?" Oh, I thought someone was calling from Chicago, but it's Kem — she's on her way to pick him up in these wee hours of the morning.

She arrives in that teeny car; Carter and I both thought it was Michel's, but we were wrong. Kem says "Bonjour, mon soleil," which is nice. Anyway, she tells him to get in because she wants to show him something.

Carter: "Does it involve coffee?"
Kem: "Everything in Paris involves coffee."

It does? I so need to move there then.

She takes him to a commuter train and tells him to be patient. Kem starts to make up stories about the other riders, which is very cute and entertaining. Carter asks her whether she as a story for them, but before she can answer, it's time for him to sit down and close his eyes. Then, when he opens them, the train is crossing the Seine and the sun is rising over them — "Paris le matin," says Kem — and it's beautiful.

That's beautiful too — Neela is sort of standing in the entrance to the ambulance bay and staring at the hospital. Abby walks up and thwaps her in the arm and asks what she's doing. I still say these two would be a cute couple. But that guy who used to have the beard is there, giving Abby a bear claw. Yawn.

Neela's trying to decide whether to go to work today. Abby tells Jake what Neela did, but she makes it sound really cool — kinda heroic and rebellious. Right on. Abby gives Neela the bear claw and tells her to get back on that horse.

Lack of communication — Lewis and Morris are arguing about something. Luka tells Sam an MVA is coming in, and Sam looks as if he's just said something horrible to her.

Ray, Neela, and Pratt treat a woman with a stab wound to the neck. Those panhandling sisters look on from afar. Why are they always here?

Apparently Ray and Neela are handling the stab wound well; Pratt says "Excellent." I'm sure that still feels like a scolding, coming from him.

Coffee — Kem and Carter have coffee at Le Pure Cafe and smile at each other. Kem says that what she really misses in Africa is baked goods, and Carter laughs at the "lot of jam" she has on her face. Some kid shows up and stares at them; it's cute. Kinda. Also kinda annoying because it's meant to be a "we should have a baby" moment.

Nobody cares, Jake — Jake is trying to finish his rank list for his match and wants some advice from Abby. But another patient is complaining about something leaking from the ceiling. Symbolism, anyone?

Abby tells Lewis about the "code brown"; Lewis loses it and closes the E.R. to trauma until somebody can deal with this shit. Wouldn't it have been great if she'd actually been able to say it like that?

Abby and Jake help a guy with emphysema. Jake says he's thinking about ranking County as his first choice.

Abby: "You wanna stay in Chicago?"
Jake: "Yeah. My friends are here, all my family."

And then he says "County has a lot to offer" in a way that bugs the hell out of me.

Abby goes to help those panhandling sisters. It seems Rebecca almost got strangled to death; Birdy stabbed the attacker in the neck. Uh-oh. I love Abby's expression — it's almost cartoonish. The "attacker" is in the next room, of course, and she's Shelley — the panhandlers' niece.

Reminiscing — Kem is remembering her halcyon youth, when she would feed the ducks with stale bread. Somebody wake me when this is over.

Carter wants to know why she left, if everything was so idyllic. Kem talks about being biracial, but Carter kind of changes the subject, to their dead baby. Could this be more random?

Kem starts to go away, but Carter grabs her and says "What are we doing?" He says they're still in love, and they make each other laugh. Kem says she can't live in Chicago.

Carter: "I would give it up for you."
Kem: "I don't want you to."
Carter: "Kem. We had a baby, and he died. It's a tragedy that happens to people, and it happened to us. But it doesn't have to define us."

She says she just can't, and tells him to stop. I dunno, Kem, I might actually be with Johnny boy on this one.

Back in the real world — Abby wants to know whether Ray ever followed up on the home visit with the panhandling sisters. He doesn't even know what she's talking about at first, but then he collects himself and realizes what's going on. He tries to wiggle out of it, but Abby's very pissed and letting him know it. I love it when she gets all butch like that.

Happy French people — Carter watches as Kem and her mother and Michel chat in French. Kem's mom finally sees him standing there looking clueless and says "Oh, we're being rude." Somehow Kem and Michel take this as their cue to leave, and Kem's mom chats with Carter. She says that Michel is a fool, and that Carter is giving up awfully easily. Well done!

Kem's mom: "You know what life is? Joy and grief hand in hand. You can't know real happiness until you've had true sorrow to contrast it with. She hasn't learned that yet."

But Kem is right there, eavesdropping. She tells her mom to leave Carter alone, but then she gives him a kind look anyway.

Bad news — Shelley's heart is full of air. That's the one thing that's still kinda great about ER — sometimes, even with the medical babble, it's very clear that something is very bad, and you get the whole mortality perspective thingie whatever it is.

Anyway, Shelley's gone. Neela wants to know how Shelley got that much air in her heart. Turns out Ray removed the "occlusive dressing" that was keeping the air from getting sucked into Shelley's jugular. Yep, he killed her. Pratt makes Ray feel about two inches tall and leaves the room.

At the admit desk, Lewis is on the phone:

Lewis: "Damn right we're closed. And we're gonna stay closed as long as I've got crap — and I don't mean that figuratively — literal crap pouring out of my ceiling."

She's taking this personally, and who can blame her?

Meanwhile, Abby's emphysema patient is not doing well. Abby seems unhappy that Jake didn't warn her earlier.

The sisters — Neela tells them about Shelley. They say they loved her, and Birdy says she didn't mean to kill her. It's very sad and kinda creepy.

Another screwup — Apparently Abby didn't quite do the right thing with the emphysema guy. And she's not quite getting what happened — and then when she does get it, she realizes she screwed up.

Lewis: "It's a classic intern mistake; you won't make it again."

Ouch.

Back in Shelley's room, Neela tells Ray to get up, and insists that he tell the sisters what happened.

Neela: "Tell them. That poor woman in there thinks she murdered her own niece. Now, Ray."

Rainy Paris — Carter's crying in the cab. He tells the driver to turn around.

Grim Chicago — Jake finds Abby and says a dumb thing.

Jake: "If it's any consolation, that was a great teaching case for me."
Abby: "I'm glad my public humiliation can further your educational goals."

Then Jake dismisses her pain and talks about his stupid decision to rank County as his first choice. Abby asks about UCSF, but he says he doesn't want to go there. Abby gives him an odd, sad little look.

Abby: "Don't do that... for me."

Jake gets the message. Finally. Abby, I'll be right there with a pack o' smokes, a case of club soda, a deck of cards, and no interest in marriage or family life.

Ray and Neela show up. Ray tries to toss it all off as a "crappy day" and asks who wants to "go get mad drunk and pick a bar fight with a bunch of law clerks." Shut up, Ray.

Jake is just sort of swaying and staring like someone who's just been dumped, and Abby says she has charting to do. She asks Neela about the panhandling sisters; it turns out they were panhandling to support Shelley's crack habit, and Shelley knocked them around when they didn't bring home enough. Finally we get the truth. Abby has an "it figures" look on her face.

Morris shows up and makes fun of everyone's mistakes.

Neela: "Well, I don't know about you, but I feel really inspired right now, so I think I'll go and throw myself under a train."

Neela and Ray leave. Abby tells Jake not to go away mad. He says "But do go away," and Abby and I roll our eyes and agree.

Abby sits, in the dark and the night air, and I really do need to be there to light up a smoke for her.

Unnecessary drama — Carter's still in that cab. There's a traffic jam. And it's raining. So Carter gets out and runs in the rain, and frantically punches all the buzzer buttons on a building so someone will let him in so he can run up eighty-three flights of stairs to pound on Kem's door. Because it's dramatic. She opens the door to his wet panting desperation.

Carter: "I'm moving back to Africa. And we can start over. We can do everything that we didn't do before. And you can take as much time as you need. You can take a month, you can take a year, you can take ten years. I don't care. And I'm not leaving without you and I'm not living without you. I love you. I love you."

Kem laughs, and I laugh too, because this episode is finally over.

NEXT WEEK ON ER: Oh, wait, why did I think this was the finale? Silly me. Nope, that's next week: big trauma, big drama, big bye bye Carter.

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