ER rec(r)ap: You Are Here (Season Eleven, Episode Twenty)
(original air date 5 May 2005)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Carter: Tenured, tired, and tedious.
• Lewis: Untenured, unappreciated, and unboring.
• Abby: Not the marrying kind.

Beep beep —Why do so many ER episodes start with beeping alarm clocks from hell? Oh, that's right, because we're IN hell.

It's Ray's alarm clock. He's sleeping on the floor. I don't care why; I just know that it will make it easier for me to kick him.

He doesn't know why he's on the floor either, and neither does the woman in his bed. She doesn't believe that he's a doctor, and offers him some coke. Maybe it's not coke, but there's a little spoon, and I was a teenager during the '80s, so that's what I'm going with. Go ahead, Ray, snort the coke, show up late, and get fired. Then Kerry can kick you too. We'll invite Kim Legaspi and Maggie Doyle (and Abby) and have a Lesbians Beat Up On Ray day.

Pick-up — Pratt is playing basketball with some guy; they're talking about somebody's party. Is this going to be a follow-up to the relative-who-shall-not-be-named from last week? If so, I'm so relieved: it's been keeping me up nights, wondering. I live for Pratt's storylines. (Hey, I could be telling the truth. We'll never know, because Pratt never actually has any storylines. He just has moments that don't really add up. Oh, like everyone else on this show.)

Personal care items — Luka is out of shaving gel. In the process of trying to find more, he comes across Sam's pregnancy test. Wouldn't this be a weird paragraph if you thought "Luka" were a girl's name and "Sam" were a boy's? No, not weird: just infinitely more interesting. It would also be more interesting if he confronted her about it, but that's not happening either.

Good help — Carter's in Kerry's waiting area, wonder if she's in. She storms in — er, out of her office and into the waiting area — barking orders to her assistant. Why does my heart still leap up when I see her? I'm such a sucker.

Kerry: "This coffee tastes like crap. Doesn't anyone change filters around here? [to Carter] Sorry: new assistant. Good help, you know?"
Carter: "Hard to find."

I would change the filter for you, Kerry. Actually, I would buy fresh beans every day and grind them with my teeth if you wanted me to, especially if you're wearing that pinstriped suit. See? Sucker.

Kerry tells Carter he's been awarded tenure. She also asks him to keep it quiet for now, because she has some other people to notify and he has the next 30 years to gloat about it. He looks like he'd rather change coffee filters for the next 30 years than be a doctor, and not for the same reasons I'm interested in the coffee job.

Car talk — Luka asks Sam about the pregnancy test. It was negative.

Luka: "Were you gonna say anything?"
Sam: "I was worried; I checked; I was wrong. What is there to say?"

You know, emotionally and communication-wise, it actually can be kind of hard to tell who's the man and who's the woman in this relationship. But Sam disagrees: she's telling Luka that he can't complain about her keeping a secret because he never tells her anything about himself or his past or his family. He still doesn't wanna.

Chit chat — Morris and Pratt and Neela talk about the offerings on the board today. Uncontrollable drooling resulting from cat litter ingestion, or a butt abscess? Neela will take the drooling. There's also a frequent flyer kid whom Neela describes as "narcotic-dependent" because of his sickle cell; Morris says that's the same thing as an addict and wants Abby to take it this time. But Abby's at the family thing with Jake.

Did they just tell me that Abby's not going to be in this episode? If so, get ready for this recap to get really short really quickly.

Jerry congratulates Carter on getting tenure. Jerry found out from someone on his IM buddy list; I forgot to mention that Kerry's assistant was IMing at the beginning of the show. And Kerry's assistant seemed sorta gay; is Jerry's screen name (JerrBear) telling us something?

Locked up — Lewis has reorganized the drug lock-up. Carter asks her whether Kerry has found her yet. Carter, you're so stupid: all you had to do was watch the "previously on ER" to figure out that Lewis isn't getting tenure.

Lewis has her own notifying to do: she tells Morris he's the new chief resident. Yuck. Could this show get any worse? But it's on a provisional basis (Morris's job, and the show too, probably), so we can hope that it won't last long.

He makes the announcement to the crowd himself, to deafening silence. Neela mutters, "I wonder what Abby's gonna say about this," and we cut to Abby saying "Jesus Christ" rather loudly — she's in church with Jake. And she just made those two words sound incredibly sarcastic, yet cheerful, as only she can.

But she can't keep pretending: she stops answering the baptism questions and stares at the stained glass, looking very uncomfortable. Get the hell out of there, Abby! Well, maybe "hell" wasn't the right word choice. Or maybe it was.

Breathless — the people start pouring in, including a woman who can't seem to breathe despite no apparent problems with her lungs or heart or anything at all. Nobody has any idea what to do. I can help: I think maybe she's just seen Dr. Legaspi somewhere, and she's dying from Exposure to Extreme Beauty.

They think about allergies and stuff, and then Lewis runs through everything again and figures out the woman has ingested cyanide, which is released when PVC, polyurethane foam, and polyester wadding burn. Geez, who knew that? The world is so toxic. That explains Ray.

Anyway, Lewis's brain saves the day (and the woman). Ray runs off to send the drug-seeking kid home; Haleh says "nicely done." Haleh, do not encourage him!

Neela and Pratt help a guy who jumped from the burning building (which is where all these people are coming from); Morris is there too, and yelling in a defensive way, sorta like George W. Bush does.

There's another woman who's very confused; she was in the building during the explosion but it's not where she lives. Huh? Did I miss something? I probably dozed off again.

Speaking of missing something, when and where did Sara Gilbert go?

After church — Abby meets Jake's family. She still looks uncomfortable, but she also looks fabulous. Jake's cousin offers her some whiskey and Jake's aunt calls her a "tiny little thing." Oh, but you have no idea how big her personality is. Or her heart, for that matter. Somebody give me some whiskey: I'm in love with a character on one of the worst shows on TV.

Jake's uncle feels comfortable asking Abby whether she's divorced, or never married. Geez, these people are extremely pushy. It gets worse; Abby finds herself surround by women who want to know whether she has kids, and upon hearing she doesn't, they tell her she's got plenty of time. Why am I the only one who knows that she's just not really the marrying kind?

Love burns — The woman who was at the building but doesn't live there tells her story: she met some guy online — well, tried to meet him, but didn't quite get there. How stupid is it that the woman's bra is kind of still on as they work on her? That's so unrealistic.

Jerry interrupts to tell Lewis that Weaver wants to see her at 7:00.

Lewis: "Why so late?"
Jerry: "No life?"

Hey! Quit that. She has a life. I just don't mind if she gets home late. I'm too busy grinding coffee beans with my teeth anyway.

Carter and Lewis try to figure out what's wrong with the woman whose bra is still on; Carter suspects some glass got right into the woman's intestine. Lewis starts "probing" the wounds and sticks her finger right into the woman's belly, where something cuts Lewis's finger, right through her glove. Great. She's gonna be untenured and HIV positive?

Sam helps a 12-year-old, Megan, who was alone at the time of the explosion. Megan wants Sam to play up her injuries when she talks to Megan's parents; seems like maybe Megan's parents don't pay much attention to her. Sam tells Luka that she thinks they should get social services involved; he kind of talks down to her and tells her to let the family deal with the trauma first. I'll give these two credit for one thing: they're really good at conveying the tension and awkwardness between them sometimes.

Turns out the woman with the belly in her glass is HIV negative, so Lewis just had to get a tetanus shot instead. Well. Tetanus, no tenure. Check. You know, I really hope that just this once, I'm wrong about this utterly predictable show.

Dubenko tells Lewis that surgery only got one tenure slot. Hmm, yeah, maybe this is all a little too predictable. No, wait, that's impossible.

Sam asks Lewis to call social services for Megan, even though Megan is Luka's patient. Lewis sees right through this: "You guys fighting? Lack of money, sex, communication?" So Lewis calls Luka over in order to do her job. She reminds them that even though they're at the hospital a lot, it's not their home, and they need to deal with the domestic stuff separately. It's a nice speech, meant to make us see that she's good at her job: more tenure foreshadowing.

At the admit desk, Neela tells Pratt that it's all his fault that Morris is the new chief resident. I don't care whose fault it is: I just don't understand why I have to watch it.

Morris tries to get everyone to party with him after their shift, but there are excuses all around. Neela's is the best: "The Apprentice" is on. Haha. Nothing like cross-show promotion.

Speaking of promotion, suddenly the nurses start singing "Happy tenure to you" and give Carter a cake. But Carter can't celebrate: the husband of the wife with the glass in her belly shows up. Oh, wait, this is the same woman as the one with the cyanide toxicity? I really am not paying enough attention.

The husband is not really paying enough attention either; he can't imagine why his wife would be in an apartment nowhere near where they live.

It's the stripes that get me — Kerry's doing some sort of work, sitting at her desk in her striped shirtsleeves and her glasses, looking utterly gorgeous. I can't help it! Sigh. Susan is standing in the doorway; Kerry suddenly realizes it and tells her to come in.

Lewis cuts to the chase and asks why she didn't get tenure. Kerry starts to make excuses.

Weaver: "The criteria are complicated."
Lewis: "How 'bout I simplify it for you? I've been an attending for seven years. That's two more than Carter. I've been an outstanding doctor, a dedicated teacher, and a committed chief."

Kerry gets a little snippy and says Lewis simply hasn't been doing the tenure track work: she should have brought in a million in grants by now in order to make sure the hospital can pay her salary. But Lewis isn't having any:

Lewis: "So forget excellence, forget performance: just write a check to build a new wing."
Weaver: "This hospital is in the business of staying open. We have to make our choices accordingly."

Lewis walks out. Weaver throws her pen down and leans back, irritated. These two have always known how to push each other's buttons; just not quite the buttons I want them to push.

Another gig — Ray is trying to leave early again. Neela's nice, so she lets him go. On his way out, he sees the sickle cell kid, just staring at some TVs through a store window. Ray tells him to go home, but the kid says he can't go home because his mom's boyfriend will be there, and he "does stuff." It's all very gripping, but all I can focus on is how much Ray reminds me of Doogie.

The lock-up — Why do all the real conversations take place in the drug lockup? Sam and Luka are talking about Luka's feelings when Haleh interrupts. Haleh's like a little fly on the wall in this episode; kind of a weird role for her. Well, maybe not: she sees all and knows all, when she's actually around.

The snack machine — Lewis tells Carter she didn't get tenure. He reads between the lines and realizes she thinks he wrote a check for his tenure, and he gets all defensive because he knows it's true. But Lewis is really being quite nice, and simply honest:

Carter: "I never asked for this."
Lewis: "You never wanted it, Carter. You never did. This is my home. This is where I started. This is where I want to stay. And I get the feeling that half the time, you would rather be anywhere but here."

He just looks at her, so she says "Yeah, I thought so." You suck, Carter. I've never been a Lewis fan, but Sherry Stringfield is just about the only good thing about this episode, and you suck.

Pratt's friend — the one he was playing basketball with — is there to make him go to some party. I was going to actually pay attention, but the so-called storyline gets interrupted right away: Ray has brought the drug-seeking kid back and wants to admit him to medicine. Pratt protests, but then Ray mutters, "He was raped," and Pratt shuts up. Too bad they don't shut up so quickly when that happens to women on this show. I'm just sayin'.

Elsewhere, Sam tends to Megan, who just kind of wants someone to talk to. Megan reveals that she was the one who called 911, but they didn't come very quickly.

Megan: "I thought if I called them before I did it... I tried to put it out, but it got too big."

Megan's family chooses that moment to show up, and Sam wonders what the hell to do.

Family fun — Jake and Abby are still playing house. She asks him how she's doing, and he says 99% of them say she's a keeper. But she lost points with Aunt Cecelia by saying she's not sure if there's a heaven or a hell.

Abby: "Well, I'm not."

Jake says he's a pick-and-choose Catholic anyway; he's not too fond of the "no premarital sex and no birth control" stuff.

I dunno, these two seem very fake together. It gets worse when Abby says she never imagined there were families like this, and tells him he's lucky.

Abby: "And having said that, I'm really really ready to go home."

Yay!

I dunno, I think Jake's a little disappointed. Love her for who she is, damn you: not who you want her to be.

Why? — Pratt goes to the party, whatever it is, and they're all surprised to see him. It's weird.

Random scenes — Lewis finds Ray and asks him why Eugene the drug-seeking kid is there. She lays into him, telling him he needs to take his job seriously: "it's what you wanna do or not." Actually, I think he kind of made that choice tonight, even though I'd rather he'd chosen "or not."

On the way home, Luka and Sam talk about anything other than themselves. Sam says she thinks Lewis is right: she thinks they need help. Or you need to date other people, like Abby — I'm talking to you, Sam.

Pratt hangs out with his homeys, one of whom has a gun. Gah. Could this be more stereotypical? The guy starts firing the gun; some sirens sound almost immediately. Boring.

Enough already — With his stupid guitar still on his back, Ray apologizes to Eugene for not trying to find out more about what he was feeling. Then he sits down to wait until Eugene's mom shows up.

Eugene: "You a musician?"
Ray: "Not tonight, man."

Not tonight indeed — Lewis sits in front of an empty wine glass. Her husband fills it, opening bottle number two.

Chuck: "You know what, babe? Weaver and the tenure board can kiss my big, white, semi-hairy ass."

He's so cute. But Lewis is seriously hurting, thinking about the house and Cosmo's education and the vacations they would have taken, and most of all how much she really wanted this. It sucks.

Wanting something else — Carter calls Kem and tells her the news, but she can tell he's not excited; he's much more interested in the kind of work she's doing. Go already, damn you!

NEXT WEEK ON ER: Go, go, go, Carter, go! But please don't make me watch the story of your past. Oh, I've already done that. Sob, I've wasted my life!

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