ER rec(r)ap: Ruby Redux (Season Eleven, Episode Nineteen)
(original air date 28 April 2005)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Carter: Still whining.
• Abby: Still crusading.
• Weaver: Still difficult.

Bliss — Dr. Lewis and her hubby are talking about houses. Apparently they're having trouble finding one, and for some reason Lewis is a little bit more interested in tenure than she is in domesticity. She's also got some sort of smudge on the back of her jacket, which gets a laugh from Cosmo the kid. Ha. Sort of.

Cantankerous — The paramedics are bringing in a cranky old guy. I can't wait to get old so I can be cranky without apologizing. Hey, I could just start now!

Delirious — A guy is yelling about omelets and spinach. The residents puzzle through it, but I'm not as excited about it as Carter seems to be. I guess big words like "acetylcholinesterase" just don't do it for me anymore, at least not unless Kerry is whispering them in Kim's ear.

Still cranky — I think that old guy looks familiar. Is that Red Buttons? Is Red Buttons still kickin'? Wow. Whoever he is, he thinks Carter looks familiar — he says Carter killed his wife. Great. This show has been doing the thinly veiled plot recycling thing for a long time, but I guess now it's crossed over into bald-faced self-plagiarism.

The admit desk — Sam is all spazzy. Gee, I wonder if it has anything to do with Luka? Nah, it never does.

The tenure meeting — Apparently Lewis has not been doing much research and thus has not been bringing in enough grant money. She points out that she's been more focused on the teacher and clinician part of her job, and Kerry says that's very valuable, but Lewis isn't sure she means it. Neither am I.

Out-cranked — Abby's trying to listen to Red Buttons's heart, but he keeps talking so she can't hear. He says she's been listening for five minutes.

Abby: "You've been talking for five minutes."

This kind of impresses Mr. Cranky, but then he says he doesn't want "some nurse" calling the shots. Abby gets that smirk on her face — the one I wish I could see every day. Maybe I should get some sort of iron-on transfer so I can put that smirk on my pillowcase.

Abby: [snippy] "Mr. Rubadoux, I am not a nurse. I am a doctor."

Mr. Cranky just yells, so Abby just leaves.

You don't see that every day — There's a woman on a gurney. She's asking whether her husband is dead. The nurses tell her he's right behind them. This should be good news, but the woman says, "He's alive?! I'll get you next time, you son of a bitch!"

See, now that's quality, classic ER. So we got about three seconds of it in the last five years; who's complaining? That's right, I am.

Apparently the husband and wife got into some sort of knife/gun fight, and it really is kinda funny. I mean, tragic. It's funnier than the fact that Sam has apparently forgotten to do everything she was supposed to do that morning, and can't even keep up with what people are asking her to do at the moment.

Mary (the one who shot her husband) lives in West Garfield, which apparently makes Pratt think twice. I don't know why. I'm sure we'll find out, if we can stay awake long enough.

But this one we did see coming — Dr. Carter chats with Mr. Cranky. They couldn't find another doctor to treat him, because that just wouldn't be dramatic enough. Mr. Cranky asks Dr. Carter why he had to put Mrs. Cranky through "all that." Carter doesn't seem to have any idea what Mr. Cranky is talking about. But Haleh remembers it all very well, including the fact that Carter was just a student at the time.

Carter goes up to Records to pull Mrs. Rubadoux's file. How thoughtful.

Another doctor — the grey-haired male kind — finally impresses Mr. Rubadoux. Surprise, surprise, there's something wrong with Cranky's heart, so they'll have to operate.

Abby sticks around to ask Mr. Cranky if he has any questions about the surgery, and is being her generally helpful Abby-rific self, but Mr. Cranky is still being mean. She tries to get him to consider all of his options.

Mr. Cranky: "Listen, doll... can you fix my heart?"
Abby: "No."
Mr. Cranky: "Then I'm going with the guy who can. All right?"

So Abby tries another approach: she asks Carter and the heart surgeon whether open-heart surgery is really a good idea for Mr. Cranky. The surgeon says "don't you think maybe that's the surgeon's call?" but Abby thinks maybe it's the patient's call. Ok, it's official: if there is a heaven, there will be three doctors there, and their names will be Abby, Kerry, and Kim. And I'm going to need a lot of care for the rest of eternity. A lot.

Abby thinks maybe Mr. Cranky would rather spend the rest of his life on a beach in Miami, rather than on a ventilator at County. Carter tries to defend her, but he doesn't really try hard enough.

Oops, I guess it's not that funny — Okay, so I didn't realize that the woman who shot her husband is a "drunk, battered woman who shot her abusive husband." That's not so funny. Or maybe it is, considering he finally got what was coming to him. Anyway, we're getting the details because that foxy "Cease Fire" woman, Olivia, is here again — you know, the one who does anti-violence stuff or whatever, and the one Pratt has the hots for. I guess this is where the West Garfield connection comes in. Olivia says she sees right through Dr. Pratt, but I say probably not sufficiently so. Of course, he ends up asking her to dinner, and for some reason she accepts, but not without rolling her eyes.

The scary sisters — They're back — the homeless panhandlers who were involved in the possibly fake purse-snatching. Louise Fletcher is pretty great, isn't she? But this whole storyline is ooky, even thought the sisters are cute as they compare the hospital staff to people like Myrna Loy and (in Abby's case) Patty Duke. Wouldn't it have been funnier if they'd said that Maura Tierney looks like Gene Tierney? Yeah, yeah, I know they're not related.

Still crusading — Abby won't give up on the idea of giving Mr. Cranky all of his options. Anspaugh is not happy about it. So he pulls Abby aside, and Abby says she's worried that Mr. Cranky is not making an informed decision.

Anspaugh: "If you have concerns, you ask the consulting doctor to step outside. You do not, in front of a patient, attempt to subtly disagree with a senior cardiologist and the Chief of Surgery. That kind of behavior is helpful to no one."

Actually, it's helpful to me, because I love it when Abby gets all up in people's faces. So thanks, Anspaugh, but aren't you tired of doing these little cameos? Run along home now.

At first it sort of looks like Anspaugh has won, and Abby looks a teeny bit deflated, but as he walks off, she says "I have concerns." Heh.

Jake sneaks up from behind and puts his hands over Abby's eyes. He says that because he knows her so well, he figures she hates it when people do that. She says "Words cannot express how much I hate it," but he just keeps congratulating himself for knowing her "so well." You know what, Jake? Most people would guess that about Abby within about five minutes of meeting her. And I'll give you five more minutes to impress me, but I bet you're gonna fail.

Well, he does try: he's just been to UCSF, and was impressed with their program, but he hints to Abby that he's willing to "match right here."

Jake: "What would happen if I did that?"
Abby: "Well, Jake, then you'd be working at County."

Bwahahahaha. Bye bye, Jake.

Extremely stupid sports — A street luger comes in. He's all proud of himself for ramming his head into a wall, but then realizes his hands are numb. Gah.

Yawn — Ray doesn't see any reason to keep the panhandling sisters there if they want to leave, but Carter tells him to call Social Services. Does Ray look more stoned than usual, or is that just me?

Never give up — Abby's still trying to convince Carter that Mr. Cranky should not have surgery. She doesn't understand why Carter keeps blowing off the conversation. Carter tries to make it a "teaching point," telling Abby that she has to figure out how to deal with the "old school" guys who want grey-haired male doctors. But really Carter's the one who can't deal with Mr. Cranky, because of whatever happened with Mrs. Cranky, which, again, I'm sure we'll find out about if we can stay awake long enough.

Carter even kind of yells at Abby. Okay, do that again and I'll make sure you're the one who needs to be treated for a facial contusion.

Sleepy Susan — Lewis is napping. I'm jealous. Jerry wakes her up for the chief residency meeting.

She strolls through one of the trauma rooms, where the street luger's helmet is being bone-sawed off. Fun. Meanwhile, Sam and Luka are exchanging cryptic looks. Lemme guess: she's pregnant. Well, what else would it be? She's gay? Yeah, they wouldn't dare actually give me something to recap.

The chief residency meeting — Morris is fumbling with the projector screen. Kerry looks annoyed. Morris is actually making a presentation — he has a dorky hour-long slideshow. C'mon, Kerry, shut him up with that crutch of yours.

The sisters — They have to leave, because "rush hour at the el" is prime panhandling time. Ray makes up a story about getting in trouble and getting demoted to "the morgue" if they don't stay. They see right through him, of course. They probably deal with stoned people all the time.

The big almost-reveal — Oh, apparently Luka doesn't know what's going on with Sam either. She starts to throw things at him and then starts laughing. She says she's just having a bad day, but Luka shouldn't believe her. I certainly don't.

Mr. Cranky's heart — Abby and Pratt are putting in a central line. Things start to go wrong. Really wrong.

Never a better time for a page — Morris is still rambling on about what a great chief resident he'd make (shudder). Carter's pager goes off. He seems relieved — wait 'til he sees who the patient is.

Weaver: "Get on with it, Dr. Morris."

C'mon, Kerry — you can do so much better than that.

The sisters, continued — The sisters' "niece" shows up to try to convince Ray to let them go home. What kind of a scam is this?

Carter to the rescue — Carter tries to save Mr. Cranky. While he's doing compressions, he breaks Mr. Cranky's rib. Yikes. Pratt wants to know why "those guys upstairs" would even consider operating on this old guy who can't even handle a central line.

The suits — Look at Weaver and Lewis in their snazzy suits. They're trying to figure out what to do about Morris:

Lewis: "Even the med students think he's a joke. Maybe we should get someone from the outside."
Weaver: "It's very difficult on the staff."
Lewis: "You came from the outside."

Why am I the only one who says "Exactly!"? Actually, that's exactly what Kerry's face is saying. Carter doesn't care about any of it because he's too preoccupied with Mr. Cranky. Hey, "preoccupied with Mr. Cranky" sounds funny -- like Carter's having his period or something.

Speaking of Mr. Cranky, Abby announces that the guys upstairs are no longer rushing to surgery, but are still "hopeful." Of course, when Abby says that word, it sounds like it means "complete idiots."

It's eyerolling time again — Pratt arrives to pick up Olivia for dinner. He finds her in some sort of meeting, where she introduces him and makes him talk about "jobs in healthcare." Hey, Olivia kinda rocks.

Foreshadowing — Luka chats with a woman who has five kids. Sam watches with that "I'm pregnant" look on her face and then walks off like a zombie.

Outside — Abby sits on a stack of pallets in the ambulance bay as Carter shuffles along.

Abby: "Coffee?"
Carter: "Yep."
Abby: "Sorry to hear it. It's really awful this time of night."

Sigh. I know I'm pathetic, but I would give a lot to be sitting on a stack of pallets in the dark with Abby, drinking really awful coffee.

Carter tries to just let it be small talk and go back in, but then he hesitates. He tells Abby the story of Mrs. Cranky: apparently Mrs. Rubadoux was part of a research study, and when she was "no longer useful," Carter "dumped her into a nursing home." Abby doesn't get why that's a big deal, but the point is that Carter told Mr. Cranky that she was going to get better, which of course was a lie. And Mrs. Rubadoux came back to the hospital three days later, and died, leaving behind a very surprised widower. Now Abby gets it, and so do I.

Real life — One of Olivia's co-workers chats with Dr. Pratt, and asks if he's related to a "Charlie Pratt" who works in parks and rec. Pratt's face says yes, but his voice says no.

Olivia says she's not going to apologize for the whole meeting thing, and wants to buy Pratt dessert. But he's got cold feet now, and makes up a story about a patient. You loser, Pratt. She's way too good for you.

I'm so, so shocked — Sam is buying a pregnancy test. The drugstore clerk makes a "how exciting" face, but Sam bursts her bubble with a "god, life sucks" face.

Slacker — Ray is trying to leave early. He still looks kinda stoned to me. Carter is not impressed that Ray has let the panhandling sisters leave, without talking to Social Services first. He hollers at him a little.

Carter: "You're still an intern, Ray. I'm the attending. I'm responsible."
Ray: "I'm... sorry."

Yeah, you're pretty sorry.

Then Carter starts to bark at everybody, and stops to see Mr. Rubadoux. Mr. R. says he can't believe Carter is still working at the ER, ten years later. Carter decides to confess that he made a mistake with Mrs. Cranky, but Mr. Cranky already knows that. And what the audience already knows is that we're still, ten years later, supposed to feel sorry for whiny rich boy Carter who can't quite connect with people.

Mr. Cranky says that all Carter had to do to make it better was just "be human." Don't hold your breath.

But at least Carter finally tells Mr. Cranky that surgery probably isn't a good idea, and maybe the better choice is to leave the hospital and have more time with the people he loves. Okay, that's kinda human.

Carter: "And yes, ten years ago I lied to you about your wife. But I am not lying to you right now."

Okay, but he's still a whiny rich boy. And he needs to make his damn exit already, now that we're all totally over him.

NEXT WEEK ON ER: I can't tell you about next week specifically, because they just keep telling us about the rest of the season in general. Morris is the new chief resident; there's yet another tragic accident and some other giant disaster; Carter's still trying to leave.

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