ER rec(r)ap: Just As I Am (Season Eleven, Episode Fourteen) (original air date 10 Feb 2005)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Weaver: Still gay.
• Laura Innes: Still brilliant.
• The writers: Still trite.

The title -- So the name of this episode is "Just As I Am." Am I the only one who flashed to Spinal Tap? You know -- "I'm just as god made me, sir." Anyway.

There's Kerry's face. You remember her, right? Kerry Weaver? The gay one who used to be ER chief and is now super hot-shot Chief of Staff and is rumored to be gay? We don't have much evidence of that lately (or of her existence in general), but there she is, looking intense in her stocking cap and scarf. She's cold and scared. She's crossing a street to a hotel. She ignores the doorman -- ha, I do that kind of thing all the time -- and goes right for the elevator. She's looking for room 415, and when she finds it, she knocks and says "Helen, it's Kerry." So Helen answers the door, and Kerry continues: "I don't want to leave it like this...the things that we said. Is this how you want to leave it? If it is, tell me and I'll go away. Like we never even met."

We're probably supposed to think that Helen is Kerry's latest love interest, but because we've seen the previews, we know it's really Kerry's mom. Never mind that apart from the (fake) red hair, the woman doesn't really look like Kerry. Never mind that if the writers really wanted to get our attention, the woman on the other side of the door would have been Kim Legaspi.

The snowy sidewalk - Sam and Susan walk along, talking about the weather. Sam catches snowflakes on her tongue. Ewww. Then, in keeping with the erudition she showed last week, she tells Susan that most snowflakes are less than half an inch across and that they're white because of their complex reflective crystalline structure. Growr. Oh, never mind, it's not that she's smart, it's that her son had to do a report for school. Whatever.

The waiting area -- A woman has a bad gash on her leg, courtesy of an ice skate. Ouch.

But this hurts even more: Abby is telling Neela that Jake (a.k.a. Scrub) has been sleeping at her house every night. Also, his real name isn't Jake, it's George. No wonder I couldn't figure it out for so long. Also, Neela's still living with Ray. Too much ick all around.

Hey, there's Weaver.

Jane (to Neela): "Howcome Weaver's on?"
Neela (to Susan): "Howcome Weaver's on?"
Susan (to anyone who's listening): "She does two shifts a month to keep up her skills and stay in touch with the needs of the department."
Neela (to annoy me): "Our lucky day."

It is, actually. I'd love to have a boss like Weaver. Or a... hmm, a boss like Weaver. Pardon me.

Weaver takes Abby with her to deal with a drunk guy who's been stabbed with a screwdriver. But really, does anyone need a reason to take Abby with them?

Dubenko and Weaver argue about what to do with the guy. Lewis calls Kerry away to see another patient, so on her way out of the trauma room, Kerry says, "Don't listen to any of Dr. Dubenko's suggestions."

Kerry goes to see a patient calling herself Sharon Williams, but it's the woman from the hotel room. What? This is how she's going to get reunited with her mom?

The woman keeps looking at Kerry strangely as Kerry does a general exam. Kerry tries to leave, but the woman calls her back.

Helen: "Dr. Weaver... ?"
Kerry: "Yeah? Is there something you need?"
Helen: "No, no... well, yes... it's not really important."
Kerry: "What's not important."
Helen: "Well, I was wondering, the daughter of a friend of mine is thinking about medical school. Do you like what you do?"
Kerry: "Very much."
Helen: "Did you always want to be a doctor?"
Kerry: "From when I was a little girl."
Helen: "So you were lucky, then, weren't you? Getting the opportunity to do it."
Kerry: "Miss Williams... is everything all right?"
Helen: "Oh, I'm fine, Kerry, thank you. I don't wanna take up any more of your time."
Kerry: "Okay then."

Kerry is suspicious, of course, so she asks Haleh to pull Ms. Williams's records.

An awful disease -- Pratt and Jane treat a woman with something like Alzheimer's. The woman, Mrs. Devon, reminds me of Maude in Harold & Maude. Ah, now that's quality entertainment. And enlightenment.

Weaver asks Jane to do the med student "presenting" thing. Jane sounds like she knows an awful lot, but she's sitting right near a computer as she talks about Pick disease, so Weaver spins the monitor around and confirms that Jane is looking at eMedicine.com. I am a geek, so I pause my DVR so that I can go to the eMedicine site and temporarily make my laptop look just like the monitor on the screen. What? I said I'm a geek.

The drug lockup -- Abby and Jake are flirting and discussing whether Abby talks in her sleep, and whether she'd ever say the words "Let's polka." Trust me, you don't want to know more than that. Kerry sneaks up on them and embarrasses them in that great Weaver way.

Haleh interrupts to tell Kerry that there's no record of Sharon Williams, and that when Haleh asked her about it, "Sharon" got nervous. Kerry tries to find Sharon, but she's gone.

So of course Kerry goes after her, and finds her in the ambulance bay. Sharon finally confesses there's nothing wrong with her, and that her name's not Sharon Williams, it's Helen Kingsley, and that she's Kerry's mom. It should be dramatic, right? Kinda. But it's mostly just a cue for a commercial, and then after the commercial, Helen is hanging out waiting for Kerry. Kerry tells everyone she's taking a break -- which is something they've never heard before.

They go to Doc Magoo's or something that looks like it, and it turns out Helen did get Kerry's letter four years ago, but just didn't do anything about it. This pisses Kerry off, naturally, and Helen gets scared again and tries to run. But Kerry wants to talk, wants to know everything, of course. It turns out Helen is in Chicago with her church choir, for a "Christ Crusade." Kerry tries not to react to that.

And Helen has choir rehearsal, so Kerry gives her a number to call when she's done. Helen leaves. Kerry sits and looks like she's going to fly into a thousand pieces any minute now.

Motorcycle v. Tree Guy - Jake doesn't do a very good job as Kerry fires questions at him. And then Abby doesn't do very well either. Kerry starts screaming at Jake, and also starts kind of breaking down, and almost crying. Lewis shoos her out of the room.

So Kerry finds some other people to bark at, especially Pratt, and who can argue with that? And then I start laughing, because while Kerry is yelling at Pratt, Abby and Jake try to come out of the trauma room, but they see Kerry, so they promptly turn around and go back in.

Lewis tells Kerry to take another break. Wow, that took some courage.

Rehearsal -- So Kerry goes to the church where her mom's choir is singing. Guess what they're singing? Yep, "Just As I Am." Funny -- I know that hymn pretty well, but the phrase made me think of Spinal Tap, not church. Helen sees Kerry sit down. Kerry gives her a little wave, but Helen just looks nervous.

They don't really know what to say to each other at first; then Helen starts talking about her family and her divorce, and how the church has saved her. Then she asks Kerry why she needs a crutch. And then she tells Kerry that her dad (her real dad) has died.

Since when did mothers go around dropping emotional bombs? Oh, right -- since forever.

They go for a walk along the lake. Helen tells Kerry about Cody, her dad. Helen and Cody were only 15 (or almost 15) when Kerry came along. Helen's family owned a miniature golf course, and Cody worked there. They wanted to keep Kerry -- there was a room over Cody's parents' garage for them to live in, and of course there was the mini golf job. Kerry looks like she's thinking wow, what a wonderful childhood that would have been. Or maybe that's just me.

Kerry talks about how she always felt kind of rejected, and that she always wondered whether her birth defect was why she was given up. Helen says "All Jesus' children are perfect," and Kerry gives her another one of those "who the hell are you" looks. Then Kerry's beeper beeps.

Jake tries to make good -- The drunk with the screwdriver stab wounds is still there, even though Kerry wanted him gone. So Kerry asks Jake and Abby why that's the case, and Jake tries to take full responsibility.

Weaver: "You don't think Dr. Dubenko deserves just a soupçon of that? He ordered an NG, a foley, three serial crits and a four-hour chest film. I hear everything, Mr. Scanlon."
Abby: "She pretty much does."

I can't really describe how cute Abby looks when she says that. Or how much I like the way Weaver says soupçon.

Jake wonders whether Weaver has multiple personalities. No, she's just finding an outlet for her rage and you're in her way.

The locker room -- Kerry tells Susan what's up. Susan is understanding and kind, of course, and tells Kerry not to worry about work. They have a strange friendship.

Dinner -- Hmm, Helen is drinking wine, so I guess she's not a complete bible-thumper. No offense meant to bibles or teetotalers.

Kerry talks about growing up in Africa and Minneapolis (huh? did we know that last part?) and about her adoptive parents. Then Kerry finally drops her own bombs: (1) Henry, and (2) Henry's mom. She does this in the form of a picture of her, Henry, and Sandy, but Helen assumes that Sandy is the nanny and asks about Kerry's husband. Oh, racist and heterosexist in two short sentences -- well done. So Kerry tells Helen she's alone, and that there was an accident, without really being specific about the person she's lost. Helen starts to quote the Bible. Kerry just sighs.

Next thing we see, Kerry's in the bathroom, crying, trying to breathe. Coming out to your mom is hard, but to do it on the same day that you meet your mom? I can't imagine.

After Helen shares some pictures of the family, Kerry finally picks up the picture again and says, in her steady Kerry way, "This is my family, Helen. This woman's name is Sandy Lopez. And she's not my nanny. She was my partner." Helen gives her a blank look, so Kerry says "my lover, my wife, the mother of my child." Helen has a different kind of blank look now. She immediately starts talking about choices and wants to pray. Kerry says no, and gets up and walks out.

Outside, Helen does the whole spiel, about what God created and blah blah. Kerry wants to know what's so threatening about gay people.

Kerry: "People are starving, people are being shot at, men are flying planes into buildings, yet the 'faithful' are saying, 'Watch out for those lesbians, they're gonna destroy our God-gifted lives.'"

Yeah. Kerry also talks about being excluded by her own faith, and says she has indeed made a choice: to stop living a lie. Amen, sister. A little too much speechifying, but I'll let it go this time.

Helen just turns away and goes back to her hotel.

Smackdown -- Ray, Neela, and Carter are having trouble dealing with a Demerol addict. Carter ends up punching the addict's husband, and the addict hits Ray in the nose with a bedpan. Kerry shows up and asks who's winning.

Kerry finds Jane and then Pratt; Pratt apologizes for being his generally prat-like self, and he and Kerry both agree that Jane is going to be a good doctor.

On her way out, Kerry sees Luka. He's always been nice to her. And then she goes off alone, back to that scene that we started the episode with. This time Helen lets her in. Helen says she thought about this day for so long, and played out every scenario in her head, but not this one. Kerry stands her ground. Helen does too, talking about her faith as the only thing that gave her hope and courage. Kerry says Helen doesn't get to paint the picture all by herself this time -- the picture of a successful and happy and perfect Kerry who wasn't hurt a bit by the fact that Helen couldn't keep her.

Kerry: "Can you accept me for who I am?"
Helen: "I can love you, whoever you are."
Kerry: "I don't want love without acceptance."

This time it's Kerry's turn to walk away. First she tells Helen it was so good to finally meet her, and gives her a hug, which Helen returns fully.

I think I should be kind of annoyed that we get so little Kerry, and that what we get is always compressed and rushed, and nothing's sufficiently explored and it's all pretty much something you've heard before. And I am annoyed at all of that, a bit. But I also like the way Kerry walks down the hotel hallway, her head up, her shoulders strong, and tears streaking her cheeks. She may not get to talk much, or often, but tonight I'm happy to let her speak for me.

NEXT WEEK ON ER: More lesbians! Well, Cynthia Nixon, at least.

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