ER rec(r)ap: Middleman (Season Eleven, Episode Thirteen) (original air date 3 Feb 2005)

THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Lewis: Compromised.
• Pratt: A big boy.
• Sam: Erudite.

Pratt meets the curb -- Pratt is getting dumped by a lovely lawyer. Why? Because he's not the kind of guy she can get serious about, and he's not an adult. Whoo!

The board -- Carter and Pratt decide that all the interns and med students should do their own IV lines today, to keep up their skills. Abby brags that she can get an IV into a scalp vein. Eww.

Lewis shows up and makes some new rules about ordering scans. Pratt complains, so she says, "It sucks to be you."

Actually, it sucks to be me, if this episode is going to be all about Pratt.

Some people don't know when to quit -- That med student is still hitting on Abby. It really does suck to be me.

Abby and the med student (I still don't know his name, so I think I'll call him Scrub) treat a woman who thinks she might be having "heart pangs." Yeah, that's normal when Abby's around.

Pratt treats a kid who doesn't like to talk. The kid has a big gash on his chest.

Some other stuff happens, having to do with Wendall and Ray, and it's just not interesting enough to write down.

A midwinter night's dream -- A GSW guy comes in on a gurney. His name is Lysander. You don't hear that every day.

Dubenko shows up to help out and bark a lot. Then a cop shows up and handcuffs Lysander; he's apparently been charged with assault. The plot doth thicken.

Wendall to the rescue -- Thomas, the kid with the gash on his chest, says it happened when he climbed a fence at school. Wendall's not convinced, and kind of narrows her eyes at the mom. When a social worker narrows her eyes at you, you know something's coming.

Bedside manner -- The woman with the "heart pangs" might have ischemia. Abby and Scrub make her feel comfortable, which is fine, as long as they don't get comfortable with each other.

Following in Weaver's footsteps -- Lewis gives several people some tedious little tasks that will help her apply for an informatics grant. Carter asks her about it and complains that they're all doing free research for drug companies. Lewis tells him that sometimes compromises are necessary:

Lewis: "That's probably a foreign concept to someone who's never had to worry about money a day in their life. It must be nice."

You know what else is nice? Grammar.

Dubenko v. Kovac -- Dubenko is in a hurry or something; he's sure that the bullet went right through Lysander. Kovac isn't hearing it and orders a scan, because Lysander is his patient. Dubenko takes care of that by admitting Lysander. Crazy ER hijinks.

Jumbo mart -- Luka and Sam get coffee. Luka wonders how Dubenko can behave like that. "Hubris?" says Sam. Oooh, her vocabulary could flatten Lewis's grammar skills. Sam also calls Dubenko "Dr. Hair," which is something I wish I'd thought of. And she sums up the whole thing as a "pissing match." Nicely put.

Ouch -- A frat boy shows up with an arrow in his belly. It was a stupid hazing stunt, and it prompts Jane to say "God, I'm glad I'm not a guy." Only guys do stupid things in college? I missed the memo.

Wendall is aghast -- Pratt and that other jerk (if these characters weren't so forgettable, I might remember their names) aren't treating Wendall right. You know, Wendall, there was once another blonde on this show, and she kept getting called for consults too, but when people mistreated her, she didn't just stand and gape like a codfish.

An even odder couple -- Jane comments that it's cool of Abby to let med students do procedures, and says that's why Jake (a.k.a. Scrub -- can I pretend I don't actually know his name?) was able to convince Jane to make "the switch." This confuses Abby, but of course Jane means that she's now Abby's med student. I should be happy about this subtly Sapphic pairing, but it's not working for me at all.

Luka the cowboy -- Luka's doing some sort of alternative procedure on Lysander, since he didn't get that scan he wanted.

The break room -- Lewis and Carter have another bonding moment.

Outside the break room -- Carter runs into Wendall, who whines to him about how ungrateful people are, and then stomps off. That's more like it.

Lysander -- This guy is starting to crack me up. He's having all this stuff done to him, but he's calm and providing color commentary. Oh, but he's not so calm: he was pissed off at work, so he fired a gun into the air in his boss's office. Sam and Pratt kind of smirk in approval. But poor Lysander: he wasn't going to hurt his boss, but his boss grabbed the gun and shot Lysander. Pratt says, "Damn, I thought I had it bad."

Dubenko storms in, and is not happy to see that Pratt and Luka have done something to Lysander. Dubenko, I mean Dr. Hair, tells Pratt that if he thinks he's so hot, he should scrub in so they can do the surgery right there. Oh, the hubris!

Dubenko starts talking about finesse. Luka shows up and tries to defend himself, but Dubenko tells him his "intuitive approach" is "very sweet." Punch him, Luka! Meanwhile, Lysander cracks some more jokes.

Heart pangs -- Abby and Scrub explain to Gertie (great name) that she has a blocked blood vessel. They ask if they can call any friends or family for her, but her son lives in Seattle and she doesn't really have any friends: "It's just me and my dog now." Scrub offers to stay with her. Aww, he's kind of a sweet scrub.

Oh, great -- Abby shows Scrub some kindness, but now he's playing hard to get. But not hard enough: he explains to her that now that he's switched shifts, they can go out. Abby says no, but she doesn't say it forcefully enough. Some sort of pain or spitting should be involved.

Shoulda listened to Wendall -- Thomas, the kid with the gash on his chest, is back, this time with severe blunt injuries to the head, chest, and abdomen. Pratt had released him earlier, over Wendall's objections, so things are about to get even worse for Pratt.

Lysander makes a call -- Pratt figures something out about Lysander's diaphragm, so while Pratt and Dubenko continued to bicker, Lysander leaves a message for his co-worker, Sally. He tells Sally that her husband cheats on her and that he (Lysander, not the cheating husband) loves her. Lysander, you're the coolest patient in a long time.

Thomas -- Poor kid. He had a sock shoved down his throat. Wendall shows up and looks heartbroken. Then Pratt finds out, and freaks out, but it's too late.

Thomas's older brother reveals that Thomas was beat up by some sixth-grade bullies. Huh... I actually didn't see that coming, and I thought this show had become entirely predictable. I even feel a little bit sorry for Pratt, for the first time ever. But just a little.

The break room -- Lewis shares her worries with Abby; she's wondering if Carter's little drug drama is going to mean no tenure for her. Is Sherry Stringfield ready to leave the show again?

The wrap-up -- Jane does what she's told; Neela tells Ray he owes her $80 for the plumber; Sam and Lewis go out for a drink; Abby's exhausted; Wendall wears a funny hat and walks and cries with Carter. Pratt crashes his ex-girlfriend's girls' night out in order to tell her that he does important work and is all grown up. Never mind all that -- Abby gets home to find Scrub waiting on her doorstep. "Kiss" is a four-letter word.

NEXT WEEK ON ER: Weaver. Like, a lot of Weaver. And her mom. It's a very special episode.

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