THIS WEEK'S PROGNOSES:

• Carter: Likely recurrence of misery for the foreseeable future.
• Weaver: Motherhood, womanhood, but probably not lesbianhood. Ism. Whatever.
• Abby (um, I mean Lockhart): Irreversible foxiness. There's no cure.

The drama-rama — Road rage. Gunshots. Chen and Pratt and Pratt's buddy Elgin at the bottom of the Chicago River. Yeah, it's just another day in bizarro-land.

Chen takes a bullet to the leg, which seems a bit unlikely, unlike everything else that's happening. She also breaks a rib as the car dives into the river.

And then we learn two things that most reasonably intelligent people already knew: (1) you should not have power windows if there's even a remote chance you'll someday crash into a body of water, and (2) you can't open the car doors until there's enough water inside the car to push back against the pressure outside. You don't really need to know (2) if you've heeded (1).

The ER — Ah, there's my Weaver: barking at everyone and looking fierce. Wait, who am I kidding? This character is a mere shell of the one we once knew as the closeted half of Kim and Kerry. She'll be lucky if she gets three scenes this season.

The road — Sam and Alex are on the run from Sam's mean ex-husband. They find a motel with a pool. Alex tells the motel desk clerk that Sam is kidnapping him. What's noteworthy about all of this is that it seems almost mundane compared to the road rage / raging river thing.

The river — Despite her broken rib, Chen manages to get out and swim up to the surface, and you'd think that with all of the heightened drama, Ming-Na might do more than phone in her performance — but you'd be wrong.

The cops are already there. Pratt's head bobs up but Elgin's nowhere to be seen. Pratt is tempted to play hero, but the cops scream at him.

The ER — Weaver snaps at Luka for taking off and showing up whenever he feels like it. Why does this sound so familiar? Oh, that's right: because she's done this a dozen times, but we all know that this is how Luka operates, or doesn't operate, and that Weaver's words are just empty threats. I don't care: if she's snapping and barking, I'm happy.

Carter notices that Weaver is looking especially sharp, and asks if she had a court date.

Weaver: "Yup."
Carter: "How'd that go?"
Weaver: "Okay."

Isn't it great that Weaver is now a fully developed character who has strong bonds with her staff, and even some real friendships? And that now that she's out, her co-workers see her as a person rather than a machine? Maybe I should take the lesbian-tinted lenses out of my glasses.

Oh, but at least she gets to lay down the law: a cop wants someone to do a pelvic exam on a woman who has supposedly stashed her stash, um, up there. Weaver says that if there's no medical emergency and the woman doesn't consent, a pelvic exam is assault. Yes, but apparently Morris — the worst character ever, and that's saying a lot — was going to do it. Yeah, you can never have too many jokes about unauthorized pelvic and breast exams.

Outside, Carter has a conversation with Luka that's just about as deep as the one he had with Kerry.

Back inside, Abby is excited to be nearing the end of her last nursing shift. Suddenly Neela shows up and wants to talk: Abby is understandably surprised to see her and says they'll talk later, but she somehow forgets to say, "Hey, haven't you given up your apartment? Don't you need a place to stay? I have a big comfy bed. It's okay that you don't have any pajamas."

Abby tries to leave to get a few winks (again, unfortunately not with Neela) before her first shift as an intern, but Kerry asks her to stay and won't take no for an answer. Hey, Abby: Kerry and Neela are fighting over you! Give in. To both of them.

A kid comes in with flashing LEDs up his nose. Yeah, because the other thing you can never get enough of (besides unauthorized breast and pelvic exams) is foreign objects in orifices.

More ambulances come in, carrying the road rager, plus Pratt and Chen. Neela tries to help, but Kerry tells her she no longer works there. Aww, c'mon, Weaver: don't pretend you don't want to order Neela around a little.

Elgin also comes in, and when the EMT asks for a doc, Kerry advances Abby's residency so she can get right to work. The more Abby, the better!

Chen's not looking great. Pratt wants to help; Kerry says, "back off, Pratt, or I'll check your rectal tone with my crutch."

Then somebody says "Dr. Weaver, Abby needs you now," and I start to think up ideas for fan fiction. Frank interrupts my thoughts as he tells Weaver that Sandy's brother called.

Kerry: "Is Henry okay?"
Frank: "Who?"
Kerry: "My son."

I know Frank's an asshole, but that's beyond assholeyness.

Neela is still trying to help, so Kerry gets stern with her again. She also tells Abby to do something that Abby thinks is kind of wrong; next thing you know, Chuny's telling Kerry that Abby's doing a thoracotomy. That's right, Dr. Lockhart: it's your world, and the rest of them just live in it. Oh, sorry, I was back to the fan fiction again.

Kerry asks Abby if she's out of her mind, but of course Abby did the right thing and was really just catching Kerry's mistake, and all Kerry can do is say "What?" in that classic Weaver way.

Neela calls Elgin's mother (Elgin is the one who's getting the thoracotomy). Maybe they could give Neela some sort of "professional comforter" job. Abby could help her practice that after hours.

Wait a minute: Corday is there. For how many episodes, I wonder? It's sort of salt in the wound for her to show up at all.

Pratt has a skull fracture and might have brain damage. How will we be able to tell?

Neela tells Abby to go home and get some sleep. How many times do I have to tell you to go with her?

Beds — Luka calls Sam. Sam hears the phone vibrating on the nightstand and stares at it but doesn't answer. Luka sighs. On the swankier side of town, Kem sleeps while Carter watches her and scowls at her suitcase. And on the busier side of town, Chen watches Pratt sleep.

Morning in the ER — One of the new interns, Ray Barnett, seems to sort of flirt with Kerry. Gah.

Abby shows up and starts to head toward orientation, but Kerry tells her she's already oriented, and tosses her a lab coat. Yummy: Dr. Lockhart is in the hay-ouse!

There's a sick baby and some bickering parents. That's another thing that never, ever gets old.

Abby stands up to the cop who's trying to get the cavity search done. Don't mess with Dr. Lockhart: she may be short, but she's feisty.

A guy comes in with "cancer of the tonsil." Huh, that's actually a new one on this show, I think. He's bleeding a lot. Abby — I mean, Dr. Lockhart — is sensitive and kind and helps the guy make the decision to die. She seems to regret not being a nurse — just for a moment, as the guy asks for someone to stay with him, and Haleh is available to do it but Dr. Lockhart has to go. Success: bittersweet. Or downright sour.

The hotel with a pool — Alex pretends to be dead in the pool. That kid has seen Harold & Maude too many times.

Pratt wakes up. As I expected, there is no way to tell whether he's got brain damage or not: he's still just pratty Pratt.

Luka gets a collect call. Wonder who that could be? Let's pretend it's Dr. Legaspi. Yeah, I know she wouldn't call him, but maybe she would call and refer to Kerry as "the looker" and somebody might think she said "Luka." You're right, that won't even work in fanfic.

Neela, who slept in the call room, wants to know if Abby wants to get breakfast. Abby is too busy for breakfast and is not sufficiently interested in where Neela slept.

The court — Sandy's brother tries to talk to Kerry, but Kerry's lawyer is not having it. But Kerry is kind of listening, and somehow they all come to an agreement that Kerry will have full legal and physical custody, but Sandy's parents will take care of Henry while Kerry's at work.

Wow. That kinda rocks. Except for one thing: now that the Big Lesbian Mother Story been resolved, Kerry has essentially been pushed backstage. Again.

Still, props to Laura Innes for acting the hell out of two words.

Lake Michigan — Carter and Kem scatter their unborn baby's ashes over the water. The box that holds the ashes is heartbreakingly tiny. Kem says a lot of things in French; probably things like "I can't believe I'm wasting my considerable acting talent on this puny show."

Carter asks Kem to stay, but she says she can't. He says, "Please? I want us to be together. I want to marry you." As long as we don't have to see more of Carter's Adventures in Africa, I don't care who goes where.

The ER — Abby tells the woman with the stash that it's time to consent: she can either let Abby do the pelvic exam, or she can wait for the out-of-practice, old public health director to show up and do it inadequately. The woman opts for self-service.

Neela tells Abby that she's just not sure she wants the future that she's supposed to want. Okay, go ahead and give up the doctor thing, but make sure you hang around County in some form or another — we're already losing Corday and (effectively) Weaver, so you can't be next.

On the road — Luka asks Sam to go back to Chicago with him, and to trust him. Can she? Really? 'Cause you're not usually that guy, Luka.

The touching closing scene — Poor Carter. What? Who cares? I am not moved by his spoiled rich sniffles.

NEXT TIME ON ER: The biggest season. The biggest guest stars. The most hyperbole. Oh, and already you have to wait two weeks, because this show also offers the biggest likelihood of repeats.