America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Episode 6 “The Girl Who Graduates"
by D. Yueh
Eugena’s Recap — “Melrose is a back-stabbin’ ho,” declares Eugena from the comfort and safety of the confessional couch. She also reports, “Jaeda won’t stop complaining about her hair, CariDee just can’t keep her clothes on, and I’m tired of hearing Anchal’s complaining.” Eugena, your recap is concise and accurate, but how dare you say Melrose is a back-stabbin’ ho? I was going to say that. Just who’s the recapper here? You don’t see me coming over there and pushing my way into your photo shoot, do you? No, you don’t.
Anchal XXL — Meanwhile, it seems CariDee has taken “poor Anchal” on as a project of sorts, to pass the time between challenges. Anchal has the weight of her world on her shoulders when she says for the 20th time, “I’m so self-conscious about everything, especially my body weight, and it’s just stressing me out.” Poor, paunchy Anchal. I hereby dub you Paunchal. Paunchal is grateful for any sympathetic ear she can get.
Class of 2006 — Brooke gets a package from home consisting of her high school diploma and graduation decorations, all packed in festive blue pom-pom streamers. Brooke’s missing her commencement ceremony to be at Casa da Tyra, which is just fine with her. “Walking the stage [at graduation] is just one of those ceremonial things, it’s just a ritual … but it’s a sacrifice I make.”
What is commencement anyway, except a long hot day wearing a damn dress? The principal makes a speech, but you didn’t listen to him for four years. Why start now on your last day? Then you’re all treated to someone’s idea of humor when some jerk sets off an M-80 under the Math-letes’ chairs? That’s why I chose, instead, to skip all that and freeze my ass off at the top of a mountain in Colorado with Outward Bound. Right about the time I was using snow for toilet paper, they were calling my name, I’m pretty sure.
Nothin’ Says Lovin’ Like Something From the Coven — Melrose wanders into the backyard at Casa da Tyra to find big tungsten lights and black screens set up on the grass. A photo shoot producer named Elyssa is standing there looking all like, “What took you so long?” She introduces today’s photographer, and it’s none other than Tyra herself. Melrose claps her hands and gives one of her “Oh yeah!!” ass-kissing gushes.
In a white T-shirt, simple vest, jeans and straightened hair, Tyra’s dressed down for the part as much as a millionaire super model can. There’s a montage of some of Tyra’s work from the past 10 years, the last shot being Nicole Richie’s profile, with an artful hint of her protruding, gaunt shoulder blades. Someone please give that photo to Anchal as a cautionary tale.
Tyra explains she wants to shoot edgy, black-and-white photos. “The mood that I’m looking for is angry, almost kind of evil, but still maintaining that sex appeal.” So, she’s taking pictures of my ex-girlfriends? I don’t know why Tyra bothered to go through all of that when it’s just Melrose standing there. Isn’t she going to have to explain it all again when the rest of the gang shows up?
Where is everyone, anyway? Brooke is probably hanging her Congrats Grad! decorations above her bed; Eugena is no doubt on the phone with Monique, complaining about Melrose and telling her she misses her; Jaeda is staring at himself in the mirror and crying; and Paunchal is probably frying up half a dozen corn dogs for herself as a snack.
The makeup team gets started on Melrose because she’s the only one out there. She’s given special effect contact lenses — the kind that make your eyes look like a cat’s or a zombie’s. Lucky duck, I’ve always wanted a pair of those to wear around the house.
Tyra starts taking Melrose’s picture with a fancy-schmancy professional digital camera. Melrose’s hair is frizzed out to witchy proportions and she’s now sporting eye makeup from The Grudge. At this point, the rest of the girls finally show up to get in on the fun.
Brooke gets to go next. Her contacts look like blue swirly marbles. “Is it OK if I growl?” she asks. Tyra tells her to do whatever she wants. She’s too cuddly-wuddly to be evil, so she ends up looking like a rabid puppy. What is the point of all this again?
Tyra tries to tease some kind of anger out of the android Eugena by suggesting she think about the people who have told her she sucks, but it doesn’t help. Michelle and Amanda wear contacts in their everyday lives, I’m pretty sure. Only someone with experience would hold onto one by sticking it to the end of her tongue. When I was their age and had to put mine in, my idea of clean hands was to lick a finger tip and wipe it on my pants.
Unlike the other photographers who were all too busy today to work for the show, Tyra’s giving instructions the girls can understand: She’s not using any big words. As a model, Tyra knows what she wants to see and shows them by demonstrating the moves herself. She tells Michelle to be “really scary, but don’t lose your model.” I’m scared because I actually understand what that means now. I so didn’t want to get into this show. Crap.
Jaeda needs someone to put her contacts in for her, because she’s too distraught over her boy hair to take care of herself anymore. She covers her eyes and says, “Ow.” She feels “icky” because as a pretty girl, she doesn’t like looking like a freak, even though she has no problem acting like one. Jaeda takes all the ickiness in her soul, wraps it up in her hair anger and puts it on her face for Tyra’s camera.
“I don’t want you to second guess yourself,” Tyra tells Amanda. She wants her to act like “it’s right, even if it’s wrong.” Much like my inexplicable crush on Brian Dennehey. Anyway, with just that little bit of encouragement from Tyra, Amanda is off to the races.
Fatty Anchbuckle is just thrilled to bits that Tyra’s taking her picture, and only from the neck up thank God. “As long as you’re happy,” she tells Tyra after her last shot. Lastly, CariDee hisses and growls at the camera like it’s a screen test for Dawn of the Dead, but her shots look kinda cool, so you forgive her all the snarling.
