America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Episode 5 “The Girl Who Got Punk’d" (page 4)
by D. Yueh
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Jaeda gets to be Whitney Houston and her beard, Bobby Brown. She does look a little like them both, except she doesn’t appear to be insane enough or high enough to take it to the next level. Too bad they didn’t know Whitney was going to file for divorce this week; they could’ve had her slap herself with a subpoena.
It doesn’t take a gay genius to predict that Michelle will be impersonating Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. In a really bad, un-Ellen wig, suit and comfortable shoes, Michelle looks more like Macaulay Culkin than ever. The crew laughs as she does some Ellen dance moves. In an expensive dress and Portia de Rossi’s severe hair, Michelle doesn’t like being the “feminine twin.” I’m sure some of us can relate.
Amanda is the girl who punk’d Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. She looks more like Morticia Addams than Demi Moore because Amanda’s a twig. But she exudes Ashton’s “Dude!” style in a trucker hat, and Jay is very pleased.
Flushed with compliments, Amanda declares, “The twins are here to stay.” Look everyone, Amanda’s here. See? All she needed was some love of her own.
Melrose gets Donald and Melania Trump, and she thinks it’s to torture her. “C’mon, he’s like the oldest guy out of all these people!” she whines. So are you, Mel. As Melania Trump, Melrose just stands there looking modely. Jay inflates her already outsized ego by telling her she might be making Top Model history because every shot they get is fantastic. Gag.
When it’s time to be The Donald, she gets that hairstyle he wears that defies physics. She scowls and pulls her chin in, Donald-style, and the crew laughs again.
Somebody’s Going Home — The Tyra Mail reads, “Tomorrow, you’ll be with the judges. Only eight will continue on in hopes of becoming America’s next top model.” Somebody starts singing, “Somebody’s going home and it ain’t gonna be me …” Melrose, no doubt.
The Panel — Tyra’s last test before starting roll call is for the girls to give commentary on their celebrity couples shots. Tyra says, “It is up to you to give your POV.”
Mensa candidate Anchal raises her hand and asks, “What’s a POV?” Tyra can’t believe she’s that clueless and explains it stands for point of view.
The girls each get the stick mic and try to make witty chat about the red carpet footage of Tyra, Miss J. and Jay that they’re shown. No one has anything good to say. Brooke might have said something worth noting, but we’ll never know because she’s holding the mic upside down. Eugenius describes a shot of Miss J. as “swooping around in a big trash bag.”
A.J. admits, “I have no idea what’s going on,” as she watches the video. True to form, Anchal gets tongue-tied and can’t spit out anything except, “I’m so nervous!”
The girls finally get to see the finished composites of their couples shoot. The Twigster likes CariDee’s Brangelina. And because she’s a man, Jaeda looks just like Bobby Brown. Brooke gets props for her convincing Britney and K-Fed. She launches into another bad rap. Now who’s getting tortured?
Tyra thinks Amanda oozes the sultry, relaxed style of Demi Moore. When they get to Eugena’s Beyonce and Jay-Z, Twiggy asks, “Is Jay-Z a pop singer?” convincing us that models haven’t really changed much over the years after all.
Eugena gets criticized for having dead eyes again. Face it, she has no soul. A.J. looks more like Sandra Bullock than J. Lo, but it doesn’t matter because she bombed so bad as a commentator, nothing’s going to save her now.
Michelle looks appropriately in love with herself as Ellen and Portia, even though she doesn’t look a thing like them. Nigel says Melrose’s Trumps were “the best of the evening,” which makes A.J.’s eyes roll back in her head.
Tyra’s two idols are her mom and Oprah Winfrey. When asked what Oprah quality inspired Anchal she says, “She flies to go get donuts.” Tyra is flabbergasted that’s all the girl can say about her idol. No mention of her charity work, her saving of children, her gifting a room full of housewives with iPods and cars. Miss J. pulls out a box of donuts, and the panel digs in. Tyra holds up a Bavarian cream with sprinkles in salute and says with her mouth full, “Thank you, Oprah!”
Jaeda’s Nightmare Redux — Fun time is over, and Tyra finally starts calling the names. Once again, Jaeda is one of the last two. That’s three times for her now. Tonight, she’s side by side with A.J., who gave really bad Marc Anthony and even worse onscreen commentary.
Jaeda gets her weekly lecture about being deficient and not committed. After a suspenseless moment in which my dog appropriately farted, Tyra pulls out the last photo. It’s Jaeda’s. Saved again. How many lives does this girl have, anyway?
A.J. bows respectfully to Tyra and gets her group hug. When she hugs her nemesis Melrose, she says frankly, “Melrose, you have it. You should be nice, OK?” Wow, did anyone else hear that? Thanks for the vote of confidence there, Aje.
A.J. either understands she deserved to get cut or she was just ready to go home. Either way, she’s doesn’t seem to mind leaving. She blows the poster of Tyra a kiss as she walks out the door.
Next Week — Eugena writes a song entitled, “Melrose Is a Back-stabbin’ Ho.”
