America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Episode 5 “The Girl Who Got Punk’d" (page 3)
by D. Yueh
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Don’t Sneak up on Me Like That — It’s the middle of the day and the girls are having nap time. Tyra sneaks into the house undetected, so there’s no squealing for once, thank God. Tyra creeps over to one of the twin’s beds and sit down right next to the sleeping beauty, scaring the crap out of her. CariDee awakes with a “Holy [beep]!” and buries her face in her pillow.
House Calls — Gathering the sleepy-heads, Tyra announces she’s there to offer more guidance, having “done this career backwards and forwards.”
Before they sit down for their individual therapy sessions, Tyra spies a drawing of her on the fridge that A.J. drew. She’s impressed because mostly, drawings of her make her look like an alien.
A.J. tells Tyra she doesn’t relate to anyone in the house and she hates Melrose. Melrose tells Tyra that she doesn’t care if the others don’t like her, basically outing herself as the house bitch. Eugena says she’s fine as convincingly as she can, but she’s a sucky actress. CariDee confesses her past heartbreak of psoriasis, but since being cured, she now enjoys full shorts confidence.
Michelle is upbeat and relaxed because she’s learned you can be both a model and a tomboy. Tomboy is a word you can only use until you’re about 17 or 18. After that, it’s called butch, sweetie.
Tyra psychoanalyzes, “Do you ever feel any guilt that your sister wants it more than you do, but you’re doing better?” Interestingly Michelle never really answered the question, and offers instead that Amanda could do better, if only she would be herself.
Amanda sits beside Tyra demurely and starts to cry about Michelle’s coming-out. “I’m scared for my sister. Like, oh, now she’s a lesbian, like maybe she’s not, maybe she is. I don’t care but I don’t know if it’s America’s right to know.” Amanda is mortified that she’s crying. Tyra comforts Amanda by sharing that she cried for two hours yesterday. Probably because she had to put up with Janice being on this week’s show. Didn’t she fire her ass last time?
A Call Home — The twins are back in the phone booth, and this time they’re really going to call mom and dad. Amanda has corn-rowed her hair for the occasion. Mrs. Twin answers the phone and Michelle begins with, “I don’t know how to say this.” There’s some silence and then she says, “I said I don’t know if I’m straight or not.”
Silence. Finally, her mom says, “You doing OK?” Michelle gets choked-up and hands the phone to Amanda. “Is this Michelle or Amanda?” Mom asks.
Even their own mom can’t tell them apart! Which is funny, even in this Hallmark moment. The phone gets handed back to Michelle. I think. Now I’m confused.
Mrs. Twin turns out to be a right-on lady. She tells Michelle, “I love you. You doing OK? Don’t fret about this sweetie, we love you no matter what.” Aw.
Amanda had time to sleep on it and comes around nicely too. She declares, “I don’t care what type of sexuality she is, she’s my sister.” They’re like poster children for PFLAG. Good for you Michelle, whatever you turn out to be.
The Red Carpet — Somewhat less poignant is Melrose on assignment as a correspondent for Entertainment Tonight. She conveniently only interviews actors from CW shows like the Gilmore Girls, Supernatural and Veronica Mars. Tyra is there of course for ANTM. She and Melrose bond by taking off their shoes for a moment because their feet hurt.
Tyra Mail — All it says is, “Tomorrow you’ll work with the person who knows you best. Love, Tyra.” Brooke, would you like to take a stab at it? “Family?” Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re wrong again.
The Mirror Has Two Faces — The girls meet up with Jay. He reveals they’ll be posing with themselves as both halves of celebrity couples. They look confused until he explains they’ll be made up and shot twice. Celebrity photographer Matthew Jordan Smith will be doing the shoot, and he instructs the girls to “be on, all the time.”
Eugena is chosen to be Beyonce and Jay-Z. She does a Jay-Z gangsta pose in a baseball hat and sunglasses and then reappears in a blond wig and hootchy-mama dress as Beyonce. God, this is going to take forever.
Because there are no Indian celebrities any of us would recognize, Anchal is assigned Oprah and Stedman Graham. She’s got the Oprah wave and smile down, but it would be better if she gained about 50 pounds, even though she's a self-professed lard-ass. As Stedman, oh man, what did they do to her? To be Oprah’s longtime companion, they’ve put a carpet on Anchal’s head and given her a fake moustache that looks like a huge dead caterpillar. She looks more like a goofy engineering professor from the University of New Delhi than like Stedman.
CariDee gets to be the hottest couple on the planet, Brangelina, and she’s stoked about it. Her Brad Pitt gets sunglasses, some beard stubble and two ethnic kids as props. The little girl playing Zahara won’t stop crying because CariDee’s makeup is scaring the Pedialyte out of her. As soon as it’s over, Jay Manuel takes the baby from her and it immediately stops crying because his hair is not unlike a doll’s.
A.J. has Brangelina envy, so she’s not into being J. Lo and Marc Anthony so much. She can’t pull Marc Anthony off anyway because she’s way too good-looking. Her impression of J. Lo consists of sticking her bootie out so far that she slips a disc.
Turns out Brooke makes a really cute Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, even if she has to wear his ridiculous white-boy cornrows to do it. Twelve-year-old girls everywhere are putting up pictures of Brooke as K-Fed in their lockers as we speak. When it’s time to be Britney, they wheel out a cooler with a giant albino python in it. Snakes of that size eat people like Brooke for lunch. She screams, “It’s raping me!” as its tail finds its way up her butt. Funny snake.
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