America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Episode 5 “The Girl Who Got Punk’d" (page 2)
by D. Yueh

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In the Studio — The girls get whisked off to a studio control room where they meet Entertainment Tonight’s star haircut Mark Steines. He explains their newest challenge: to learn the fine art of interviewing celebrities. They have to practice on him before being let loose with microphones on the unsuspecting public.

CariDee gets the mic first. She has no idea what to say, so she offers that Mark’s suit is from the Mary Kay and Ashley Collection. Good one. Anchal is really good at pointing the mic at the person not speaking, each and every time. Brooke sounds like she’s reading a teleprompter, and Eugena wants to know if he’s married, as if that’s of any interest at all to me.

Jaeda can’t ask anything because she can’t stop her nervous laughter, which is super annoying. “I’m not good at finding questions to ask people,” she says. How about “Hey Mark, like does that Michelle chick seem like gay to you?” or “Tell me like the truth, I look like a girl, like, right?”

Poor Amanda clams up and stands there mute, holding the mic with two hands, looking like she wants to die. It’s her worst nightmare. Michelle explains, “She has so not been ‘her,’ she hasn’t been outgoing at all.” Well, there’s outgoing and then there’s out, ya know, Twin? Amanda knows she has to say something, so finally she blurts out, “What’s your shoe size?” Again, nothing that I’m interested in.

A.J. starts off strong and confident with, “Mark! How’s it going?” She then goes immediately into complete system failure and breaks out in hives. Melrose could give a heiney-hoo what anyone thinks, which frees her up to have fun with the challenge. She clearly does better than anyone else, thereby further cementing her status as the Most Hated Girl in the House.

The other girls have stopped waiting for Melrose to leave the room to bitch about her and are now doing it right to her face. The best playground names they could come up with are Mel-stank, Smell-rose and Ding-dong. I know you are, but what I am?

Everything’s Fine — “What is up with you?” Michelle asks Amanda. Amanda is lying around in a funk. Or maybe she’s in torpor from low blood sugar, who knows. They’re both so thin they look like bridesmaids from Corpse Bride. Amanda defends herself weakly by saying she’s just being mellow, but Michelle’s not buying it. Right in the middle of their twinning, A.J. butts in and wants to know if Michelle being gay is making Amanda feel uncomfortable. Don’t you have any cigarettes that need smoking? This is a family meeting.

Another Mail Call — “Beware of Supermodel. She bites.” Donning her Sherlock Holmes hat and grabbing her pipe, little Brooke hypothesizes, “Are we going out to dinner? Ya know, ‘bites?’” Oh honey bun, you’re so cute when you play your guessing game. And you’re still battin’ a thousand there, kiddo.

Sheee’s Baaack! — Moby Escalade drops the girls off at Geoff Thomas Designs where ET Mark is waiting for them. It must be National Belt Day, because most of them are wearing one: a wide belt, a shiny belt, a pink belt, a brown leather belt. A.J.’s not wearing a belt, though. Instead, she’s wearing what might be a homeless person’s sweater on her head as a hat.

Mark reveals that their assignment is to work the red carpet at a jewelry show and do his interviews for him, while he gets to sit in the production truck on an earpiece, eating Cheese Doodles.

Their interview subject will be none other than Supermodel Ground Zero, Janice Dickinson. CariDee immediately gasps, “Oh my God!” and covers her face with her hands. Anchal smiles, but seems so scared she might have thrown up in her mouth a little. Jaeda sums up former ANTM judge and hardcore diva Janice in a nutshell with, “Not a bitch, but kinda like — yeah, like, kind of a bitch.” She’s a poet, our Jaeda.

CariDee gets first crack at Janice, who pretends to stroll by on her way into the show. She stops her and asks, “What makes you so … over … I can’t think of the word right now.” Hey Chicopee, how about saying, “What makes you so over?” and leave it at that? Janice’s days of reigning the runways and doing blow with Gia Carangi in the alley behind Studio 54 are a distant memory now. But you gotta love a woman who writes a book called Everything About Me Is Fake … And I’m Perfect.

Dickinson starts doing her impression of a mime trapped in an invisible box because CariDee is at a loss for words. Finally, CariDee blurts out, “What makes you so … over … pungent?” OK, that was awesome.

Janice has to pretend to walk by over and over, to give each girl their turn. It’s the most ludicrous exercise so far this season. Brooke tries to get on her good side by asking right off the bat, “What makes you so bitchy?” Janice can’t take a joke and turns away in a huff.

“Thank you!” Brooke calls after her. I have T-shirts older than Brooke, but I gotta say, I like her anyway.

Anchal is as nervous as a dyslexic at a spelling bee. Janice asks her where she’s from. Anchal stutters, “I’m from India … but … originally I’m from Miam — Miami, Florida.” She then loses all motor function and sparks start flying out of her ears. Her eyes go dim just before her face falls off.

During Eugena’s turn, a bird poops right on Janice’s coat, making my night and saving Eugena from any real beat-down from a woman who could kill her with one swipe, much like a grizzly bear. They both stand there looking up and I wait for other people to start looking up to see what they’re looking at, and then more people do it … but it doesn’t happen. I have to say, this show doesn’t always satisfy me.

Michelle does a passable job, but Janice doesn’t like her fidgety ways. Michelle tries to rebound, but commits the biggest no-no in promotion: She flubs the show name by saying Mark Thomas, instead of Geoff Thomas. It’s OK, Michelle, no one cares who the designer is. Besides, you get all kinds of slack now that you’re one of us, sort of, half, possibly, maybe.

Amanda gets the tables turned on her when Janice gives her a pop quiz and demands she define the word “supermodel.” Amanda is dumbfounded. Janice is really putting the “dick” in Dickinson tonight.

Janice takes one look at A.J. and wants to know what that abandoned knitting project is doing on her head. A.J. replies, “I don’t know!” and takes it off, all embarrassed. Hey, it may look retard-o, but defend your style, woman! Nobody likes my favorite purpley silk socks, but hell if I’m not going to wear them. OK, I just lied to you all. I don’t have purpley silk socks. You couldn’t pay me to wear purpley silk socks. Take the stupid turd off your head, Aje.

Melrose, who is delightfully unfettered by feelings of self-doubt, jumps right in and won’t let Janice run the interview off the rails. When Janice pokes at the birthmark on her arm, instead of getting discombobulated, Smell-rose demands to see Janice’s birthmarks. Or track marks, whichever is easiest for you. ET Mark is impressed.

Jaeda still can’t stop laughing nervously. The only word she can get out before Janice steals the mic right out from her hand is “So …”

After that painful and annoying exercise, the girls are brought inside to choose the challenge winner. Mark announces Melrose won and will be repeating her interview techniques on Entertainment Tonight. Janice yells, “I agree! I agree!” because she respects someone who can shove it back in her haggardy-hag face.

The others hated the experience so much, they’re glad Melrose won and that they’ll never have to go through that again.