America's Next Top Model : Cycle 7 Recaps:
Season Finale “The Girl Who Becomes
America 's Next Top Model" (page 2)
by D. Yueh

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Oh, Look. Tyra Mail — The girls come home after their long day to find Tyra Mail. “Tomorrow, you will meet with the judges …”

Melrose laughs, “It’s so weird going into panel with three people; you’re like, ‘Where is everybody?’”

Panel — Here we are again. Same judges and same Tyra. Today, she’s wearing yet another squeezed-to-a-24-inch-waist dress that can barely contain her humongous breasts. This week, two designers are sitting in: Victorio and Lucchino. One looks like, oh I don’t know, Wallace Shawn, and the other one looks like he might have children locked in a secret room in his basement.

They play the edited version of the CoverGirl commercial, and it almost looks like a real commercial. Tyra says enthusiastically (and seems a little amazed), “That was good!”

Nigel gives Melrose’s solo video a thumbs-up because smiling and talking at the same time is what gets you hired. Creepy Child Molester says in subtitled Spanish, “I have never met such a magnificent, fresh, young speaker.” Fresh? Young? He’s talking about Melrose, right?

Her print ad isn’t as warmly received. Outback Hair Lip Shine or whatever it’s called isn’t being presented well, because Melrose has no lips. Perhaps they should spread it all over her nose, cuz she’s got plenty of real estate there. In going through her film, Tyra was disappointed. She speculates that Melrose isn’t a “natural beauty shot girl.”

Eugena shocks everyone by showing an actual expression of personality. “Surprise, surprise, surprise,” Miss J. says. Twiggy emerges from her coma long enough to agree.

Nigel comments, “You might smile, but when you return back to your regular face, it’s not really a smile, and it’s not really there.” Well, yeah. That’s because it’s merely a mask.

Even when Tyra asks her flat out, “Do you really want to be a model?” Eugena can’t answer her convincingly. How she made it this far is beyond me. That said, Eugena’s print ad is exactly what they’ve been waiting for — mainly because she has bee-stung lips that showcase a lot of that Outlast glop.

CariDee gave a few extra voguey moves in her video, which they like. Nigel acknowledges she’s finally starting to look like a real model. CariDee explains her new strategy is to not be porno anymore, to their relief and my dismay.

The panel goes through their usual deliberations, and it’s nothing we haven’t already heard. CariDee has beauty, but she’s also got some screws loose. Eugena might be a natural, but she has all the charisma of a zombie. Melrose is driven and technical, but may not be the most stunning of the three.

Twiggy was all set to phone it in that morning, but listening to the others, she gets easily confused. I think she might be voting for Dani later.

And Then There Were Two — Tyra holds only two photos. She calls CariDee. “Oh my God,” CariDee says breathlessly as she grabs her chest with relief.

Then Tyra says, “This photo represents the girl that will be the finalist and compete against CariDee to become America’s Next Top Model.”

She draws it out as long as she can. Close-up on Melrose. Close-up on Eugena. Tick tock. Tick tock.

Finally, Tyra slips the photo out. It’s Melrose.

CariDee immediately makes a face of disgust like someone farted. As Tyra congratulates Melrose, CariDee and Eugena turn to each other and exchange secret looks. Either they plan on killing Smellrose, or they’ve been having an affair this whole time.

After a “chin up” speech from Mama Tyra, Eugena goes over to CariDee and gives her a big, genuine hug. Melrose awkwardly joins in for no reason at all, and they completely ignore her. Hilarious. CariDee vows quietly in Eugena’s ear, “I’ll get this for you, I promise.” I think they were having an affair.

Eugena tells us she’s disappointed she didn’t explain herself better. Like that would have helped. A picture is worth a thousand words spoken with absolutely no inflection.

Empty Nest — CariDee and Melrose have their sweet digs all to themselves now. CariDee and Melrose are not friends. They live together with the tacit tension of two exes who haven’t moved out yet. Eugena left CariDee a note saying, “a natural blonde has to win this competition.” How does she know CariDee is a natural blonde? Yeah, they were definitely having an affair.

Tyra Mail — “When I went to Paris to model, I had just graduated high school and was just SEVENTEEN years old.”

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