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A house meeting is called. Monique flat out refuses to give up her one hour showers. The other girls try to get her to cooperate, but Monique is Monique and has “a certain type of steps” that she has to go through. Maybe she's not a selfish bitch, maybe she has OCD?
The girls are sent a note from Tyra that says, “People think models are stupid, anorexic, drug-addicted bitches. Are you?” They're being given a chance to parody model stereotypes. Someone says, “I don't get it.” Someone else says, “What?” In fact, they all look a little confused. Someone else offers, “I'm not anorexic, I can't stop eating.” At least one of the stereotypes might be true, cuz they don't seem to have one brain between them.
Tyra enters doing her best impression of a diva. She screams, she rants, she's Naomi Campbell. She calls the girls bitches and they seem genuinely hurt. It takes the pretty geniuses a good ten minutes to figure out it's a put-on. Jay explains in little, simple words how they'll all get made up as a stereotype and have to act a little for the shoot.
Monique is supposed to be the Phone-Throwing Model. Piece of cake for a real life bitch, right? Wrong. To say she sucks at this is being kind, even though all she has to do is look mad and pull her arm back like she's going to throw the phone. She concludes, “This is a hard thing for me!”
CariDee is much better as the Dumb Blond, which doesn't feel so much of a stretch for her. Her shots are totally believable, because they're real. Megg is the Drunk Drug-Addict Chick. Eugena tries for the Black Chick Who Gets Famous and Tries to be White theme. I'm not sure how you convey that and she doesn't either.
Megan gets to be the Diva Model for ten minutes, complete with lap dog and 15 pieces of luggage trailing behind her. Anchal is the Narcissist, but she claims is hard, because, “I really never think I'm beautiful.” Yeah, you're on America's Next Top Nobody, I forgot.
Christian needs to find her own image and stop imitating Tyra, so she's cast as Model Turned Actress. She ends up being Wannabe Turned Imitator. Brooke gets to pull another model's hair as the Backstabbing Model. Like CariDee's Dumbass, this one works. A.J. has to crawl all over a fat, greasy guy as the Casting Couch Model. Don't forget to wash your hands.
Jaeda is supposed to be a Surgery Victim. All she has to do is lie on an operating table and she can't even do that right. The Shining Twins Michelle and Amanda get the double whammy of Bulimic Model and Anorexic Model. Perfect. They're built like praying mantises anyway. I wish they were conjoined twin models. And maybe one of them wants to be a model and the other doesn't. Now that's entertainment.
Melrose is supposed to be the Model Who Won't Get Out of Bed for Under $10,000, but she's doing the TV Show Contestant Who Holds Up Production Because She Can't Stop Looking at Herself in the Mirror. Her make-up is all wrong – she looks like a tired drag queen. She too, can't act her way out of a hair net. If you're going to make people wait, you better bring it when the lights come up. Melrose blows it and ends up boo-hooing in the bathroom.
The girls finally face the judges for the first time--Nigel Barker, Miss J and former model Twiggy, with Tyra as Chief Justice. On the line are a contract with the Elite Agency, a cover and spread for Seventeen Magazine and a Covergirl contract. Acting lessons are not offered, which is too bad.
The judges criticize everything from the tilt of the head, to the angle of the light, to the position of the neck. If models are dumb, it's only because they're so preoccupied with constantly holding their bodies at specific angles to catch optimal light, they don't have time to think about math or philosophy.
Tyra's ready to announce who gets cut. She starts again with the “The next name I'm going to call...” She calls everyone except two, Christian and Melrose. One of them is going home. Melrose stunk up the set at her shoot, but Christian's look is deemed boring. What to do, what to do.
Christian is cut. She sobs. In the glamorous world of supermodels, being bad is annoying, but being boring is the kiss of death. Good-bye Christian. |