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Nik and Bre face off and look equally stunning in their formal riding garb. Up to this point, both have been pretty kind and considerate to the other girls, so I don’t have much to say about them.

Sarah and Coryn pose with a cranky pony that blows snot all over Sarah’s formal gown. Despite the horse mucous, both look gorgeous. Nicole and Diane face off in the brambles. Jay tells Diane to “jump into the shot.” She does and falls, putting a gaping bloody hole in her knee. Modeling is dangerous, ya’ll!

Lisa Evangelista tries to fuck with Ebony’s head, telling her some bullshit about the crew thinking that the costume they will share is “more MY thing.” Ebony is flabbergasted. Lisa tells us, “I know how to do every single pose in every single magazine. Straight up!” This is why it’s funny when the cranky pony tries to bite her finger off.

Meanwhile, back at Camp Butch, Kim is laying down the law for the wardrobe people. This whole redhead thing is draining her dyke mojo. “I’m hanging on by a string. If you put me in a dress and they tell me that I look like a man in a dress again….there’s going to be trouble.” But Kim gets lucky and scores an androgynous suit and hat to share with Kyle. After their fashion duel, Evil Jay shows a hint of what looks like some kind of gay solidarity with Kim. “It’s really interesting that the feminine girl can’t pull off a suit but the masculine girl can and still makes it look feminine!” Snap!

Cassandra is happy to go up against Kayla, because she has classified her as “weak.” But she gets angry when Evil Jay tells her to slouch for a photo, because she knows that she has “remarkably good posture.” Jay is not impressed, and is shocked that any of her photos even turned out, “She was a miracle.”

Post-shoot, the girls prepare themselves for the elimination. Cassandra has a sound back-up plan. “If this doesn’t work for me then I’m definitely going to go back to pageants because I think that helps you develop more as a woman, whereas modeling is more of a career.” Too true. A girl should never sacrifice her sacred womanhood for some nasty old career.

The judges tonight are Tyra, Twiggy, Miss J, boring straight Nigel, and the orange clown, introduced again as “the original club kid.” (Which must mean that he presided over the opening of the first club ever because he ain’t no youngster). I still can’t figure out who this James St. James guy is. I’m think that Evil Jay may have dragged him home one night after a circuit party and made some pretty big promises about getting him a guest spot on the show.

Then panel evaluates the photos from the dueling model sessions and give the boot to friendly straight-shooter Ebony. I am sad to see her go. But UPN can’t wait to wrap up this episode so that they can tease the next one.

And I do mean tease.

The preview promises, “Sarah fizzles” (cut to Miss J scolding her for a really bad model walk) “As her relationship with Kim starts to sizzle!” Cut to Sarah stroking Kim’s hair (I think this qualifies as lesbian sex in George Bush’s America), and the two of them frolicking in the pool at night (remember what I said about that pool?!?!).

The other girls watch their lesbian follies from the house. One of them says, “If I was her girlfriend, I would be like, ‘Explain that!’”

What is this beautiful, crazy world called America’s Next Top Model?

It’s a place where the queer love affair is judged for being an affair and not for being queer!

It’s reverse high school, where the gay girl is cool and popular and makes fun of the snotty little straight right-wing Christian girl! It’s a little cosmos in Los Angeles, with a houseful of pretty girls, a pool, a limo and god we call Tyra Banks.

All hail the UPN!

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