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Kim has some ground rules. “I am definitely not expecting to get my hair all, like, buzzed off or something because you can’t have a lesbian with a buzz hair because that would be too much.” Yes, it’s true. Buzzed hair is most definitely where the lesbian nation draws its line.

Tyra tells Kim that they love her hair but that they want to dye it red. Mr. Licari notes, “People who chose to be red want to be noticed.” What about people who Tyra chooses to be red? Just curious.

Kim’s fiancée, Sarah, is going to go shorter, “edgier,” (I’m pretty sure that “edgy” is going to be this season’s “fierce.”) Nik is going to go lighter, Bri is going “bone straight and sexy,” which sounds really dirty when Tyra says it.

Then there’s Cassandra.

You know, it’s funny that none of these long-haired girls has been assigned the required trauma-inducing slashing of the ponytail. There’s always someone who comes in with a big fluffy mane and sobs in the chair as it is hacked off, with Evil Jay screeching some version of, “Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry! Supermodels suck it up!”

Tyra tells Cassandra, “You are poised, you are a beautiful woman. But in that judging room,” Tyra makes a pinched up Stepford face, “All the answers are right! Because you’re a beauty queen!” Tyra thinks Cassandra’s playing it too safe, and she wants to know, “Who is the real girl up there under all that hair?”

This makeover is clearly going to be Tyra’s punishment for Cassandra being a stuck up little witch, and she’s selling it to her like a consciousness-raising exercise!

Tyra is going to drag this out and savor it. “Have you seen that movie Rosemary’s Baby, starring Mia Farrow?” Cassandra has no idea what Tyra is talking about. But she seems intrigued by the possibility of a wholesome tale of motherhood.

Cut to Kim. Oh, she’s seen Rosemary’s Baby, and she is starting to laugh and clap her hands. That college degree she’s so proud of is really coming in handy! She yelps a quiet little elbow-pumping, “Yes!”

Tyra explains that Mia Farrow’s hair was blonde and about an inch long. Cassandra starts to cry, and the little snake looks plenty pissed too.

Jay: “We’re not just doing this to cut your hair.”

Yes you are.

Tyra explains herself (even thought she doesn’t have to, because she is Tyra), “It fits your face.”

In addition to being a supermodel, Tyra is also an actress. I am reminded of this when Tyra says to a sobbing Cassandra, “Why are you crying?”

Cassandra: “I love my hair!”
Tyra: “It will grow back.”

End of “discussion.”

Evil Jay tells the girls that as they undergo their makeovers, he will visit each of them and bequeath them with a description of their very own new personal style. Yes, it will be so symbolic of their truest selves that they will need another person to assign it to them.

Ebony is really good at breaking down the truth. She is somewhat happy about Cassandra’s makeover-induced sob fest because “this is the first time that Cassandra has done anything that’s even remotely close to being human.”

A pretty bald man snaps away at Cassandra’s thick chestnut locks while she howls in psychic pain. Some very cruel person assigns her a colorist who is dying to tell her all about “Rosemary’s Baby.”

Colorist: It’s a pretty freaky movie. She’s, like, pregnant---“
Cassandra: With the devil’s baby?

”Yes!” he cackles with delight. Cassandra looks she’s going to blow an artery.

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