I have had a whole week to think about the Kim/Sarah clinch that happened on America’s Next Top Model last week. Like Roberts’ Supreme Court confirmation hearings, it left me with more questions than answers.

Was it weird for them in the house after the make-out session on national television? Did Sarah explain herself? Did the other girls discuss it? Are Sarah and Kim officially an item?

This was a major lesbian moment! I need some g.d. processing!

But this is also TV, so we just keep moving on to the next drama as if nothing ever happened. (Which is exactly what straight girls usually do post-lesbian kiss.)

Ebony pops up to remind us to trust no one. “You can’t underestimate for one second any of these skeezers here. If you show a weakness, they’re gonna’ jump on you like a pack of hyenas to a carcass.” Cut to Lisa, hunched down on all fours like a, well, hyena.

Tyra-mail arrives, containing the girls directives for the day. Coryn reads the telegram aloud to the other girls, “Don’t bitch and moan about a hairy situation….” That Tyra. She’s like The Riddler with cleavage. The girls start to clap and cheer because they know that this riddle means it’s time for that venerable Top Model tradition, The Makeover Episode!

This batch of models wannabees has studied previous seasons and they know that a good makeover is crucial to winning the show. They are pumped, or at least have the good sense to fake it. Everyone knows that the girls who resist the makeovers are the ones who get hit with the ugly stick at the salon.

Bush-supporter Cassandra has apparently been too busy praying or blaming to notice how the makeover situation has worked in past seasons. She immediately makes the argument against a makeover. “I’m so confident in the way I look and I think I present myself very well. I have a great natural beauty,” hair toss, “and I don’t think I really need to change to enhance that.” We’ll see about that.

The girls are taken to the excusive Louis Licari salon in Beverly Hills, and are greeted by Evil Jay, Tyra, and Mr. Licari himself. Evil Jay tells them, “WE are going to turn you girls into these bling top models. Linda Evangelista became a supermodel when she cut her hair all short.”

The girls (except for Kim) are now mouth-smiling only. Their eyes are filled with terror. No one wants all their hair cut off.

One by one, the girls are told about the makeover Tyra has envisioned for them. Nicole is promised “a hairweave to make you more curly and more fabulous and more ‘value.’” (Tyra says “value” with a Mr. Howell accent, so I’m assuming she means “class”). Coryn will be a blonde. Coryn looks a little checked out when she gets this news. I think that she is probably saying a mental goodbye to her big bushy Kahlo-brows which are sure to be waxed into oblivion. Plus-size model Diane is also going to go blonde. Tyra tells her, “We are gonna give you wheat color. Like a prairie!” Tyra makes a sweeping gesture, indicating both reaping AND sowing.

Mr. Licari jumps in to tell Lisa that they are going to going to give her color that will make her blue eyes “pop.” She is ecstatic, “I’m like Linda Evangelista, man. I’m a chameleon.” Ebony is promised new glamour and pizzazz with long braids, and dishwater blonde Kyle is going to go “chocolate.”

Kim is standing next her fiancée, Sarah, and looking quite sporty in her Izod windbreaker. She looks very James Dean. Sarah looks very Loni Anderson.

Kim has some ground rules. “I am definitely not expecting to get my hair all, like, buzzed off or something because you can’t have a lesbian with a buzz hair because that would be too much.” Yes, it’s true. Buzzed hair is most definitely where the lesbian nation draws its line.

Tyra tells Kim that they love her hair but that they want to dye it red. Mr. Licari notes, “People who chose to be red want to be noticed.” What about people who Tyra chooses to be red? Just curious.

Kim’s fiancée, Sarah, is going to go shorter, “edgier,” (I’m pretty sure that “edgy” is going to be this season’s “fierce.”) Nik is going to go lighter, Bri is going “bone straight and sexy,” which sounds really dirty when Tyra says it.

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