Footballers’ Wives, frankly, is as camp as knickers.

Overview
Currently finishing its fourth season here in the UK, the first season became available on DVD for the first time in the States this week. Brought to us by Shed, the production company responsible for the incredibly lesbian-friendly Bad Girls, Footballers’ Wives is based around the fictitious premier league club, Earls Park. It dishes out a heavy dollop of London Noughties glamour: flash cars, designer clothes, excesses of drink, drugs and sex.

The series is notorious for its outrageous storylines, like boob-job conflagrations, fake tanned babies smothered by pug dogs, staged kidnappings and pet poodle curries. There is even a slice of post-modern intertextuality: Kyle (Gary Lucas) and Chardonnay (Susie Amy)’s wedding was covered by real life celebrity magazine OK!, and a fitted-up Tanya Turner (Zoë Lucker) turned up in Larkhall prison for three episodes of Bad Girls.

And as far fetched as some of the storylines get, read any British tabloid and you’ll see that sometimes they’re not too far away from the truth. You can see shades of Conrad and Amber Gates (Ben Price and Laila Rouass) reflected in the real-life antics of David and Victoria Beckham; Shannon Lawson (Sarah Barrand) in Coleen McLoughlin and fiancée of Manchester United wunderkind Wayne Rooney, who is renown for hitting her errant feller in the wallet whenever he strays away from home.

Lesbian/Bi Interest
What is there for lesbians in Footballers’ Wives? At first glance, there would seem to be far more of interest for straight men, straight women and gay men in than there ever could be for us. Naked male arses and haute couture certainly don’t do it for me. So why should we watch it? I’ll give you two reasons: Tanya Turner and Hazel Bailey.

When it comes to manipulative, self-interested, hard-faced bitches, Tanya could give Alexis Colby a run for her money. Originally married to Jason Turner (Cristian Solimino), “Sparks” captain and general Neanderthal, she is used to a certain lifestyle and will do anything to hang on to it: lie, cheat, kill if necessary, and not turn a bleached-blonde hair. Life is definitely a rollercoaster for Tanya--she lurches from one near disaster to another, shaking with the pent up energy of a Jack Russell terrier as she does one appalling thing after another. Tanya is a perma-tanned, false-fingernailed survivor and the undisputed queen of Footballers Wives.

She's not gay, but she's damn fun to watch.

The one who is gay is Hazel Bailey (Alison Newman). She started off as a football agent--imagine Jerry Maguire but with loads more attitude--but has ended up as the chair of Earls Park. Hazel is a no-nonsense, loud and foul mouthed, balls-of-steel lesbian with an Estuary accent that could strip paint.

She has the unshockability of a demimondaine who has tried everything and if she hasn’t, then she’s thought about it--and her imagination is more filthy and twisted than any reality ever could be. She likes to give the impression that it’s all about the money for her, but when she cares about someone, she genuinely does care and is incredibly loyal and fiercely protective.

Hazel gets all the best lines, the best put-downs, with glass in one hand, and cigarette in the other. Disappointingly in a show that concentrates so single-mindedly on sex, apart from a few lecherous glances at pretty girls, and a drink and “Peruvian marching powder”-fueled seduction scene, we’ve never seen much of Hazel’s love life. I can’t imagine that a woman like her isn’t out there abusing her position of power and wealth, and it’s a shame that we’ve never seen her at the high profile weddings and christenings with a glamorous girl on her arm.

At the end of season 4, it does look like there is a glimmer of romantic hope for Hazel in the shape of pro-tennis player Jools, but sadly, it’s also the end of Hazel, as she’s resigning from the club to become an agent once again.

There’s a certain guilty pleasure about watching Footballers’ Wives. It’s like reading a Jackie Collins novel: you know it’s not edifying and bears no resemblance to anything you would recognize as real life but at the same time is incredibly entertaining. It’s pure Technicolor escapism full of overblown characters in gorgeous clothes doing things you’d never dream of. Enjoy it.

Get Footballers' Wives on DVD