**warning: spoilers**

Filmed in 2003, Shelter Island is an erotic thriller about a pro-golfer-turned-motivational-speaker named Lou, played by Ally Sheedy (who also played a lesbian in High Art), and her beautiful blonde girlfriend Alex, played by Patsy Kensit (a British actress who appeared in Lethal Weapon II). When Lou is mugged while jogging in New York City, Alex decides that it would be best for them to spend a quiet weekend in their country house on Shelter Island. Unfortunately, they arrive just as a storm is about to hit the island, which means they might be trapped (gasp!) in their huge, luxurious mansion complete with interior sauna.

But before you get your hopes up about the possibilities for this potentially fun gothic storyline, it’s important to note that the movie was written by Paul Corvino (Shelter Island is his first major writing job) and directed by Geoffrey Schaaf (in his directing debut). In other words, this is a movie about lesbians written by and for men, and it shows: the stereotypes come fast and thick from the very beginning and continue throughout the entire movie.

When Lou and Alex first arrive on Shelter Island they encounter the local sheriff, played by Chris Penn (that’s right, Sean Penn’s brother), who almost immediately launches into an increasingly offensive speech about how beautiful the two women are together and how he can envision them in his mind. What is astonishing about this speech is not that Sheriff Deluca has these kinds of thoughts, but that Lou and Alex actually let him go on for so long. Either these two women are the most tolerant lesbians on the planet, or else this movie was written by a man. Oh, wait—it was written by a man.

At any rate, Alex and Lou proceed on to their isolated country estate only to find Alex’s beautiful blonde friend Carly putting the finishing touches on, well, something. It is implied that Carly is a carpenter or some sort of contractor, but before we get a chance to do more than wonder about her job, Carly promptly takes off her shirt in front of Lou and Alex to reveal her perfectly perky breasts before putting on a nice little bra and tank top ensemble. Perhaps this scene was meant to show that Lou is jealous of Alex and Carly’s friendship, but all it actually shows is that Carly couldn’t possibly be a carpenter because she wasn’t even wearing a sports bra. Can you imagine hammering or sawing without the proper support?

After Carly departs the island (we see her leaving on a ferry), we go back to the country house where Lou is lifting weights, naked. That’s right, again without the proper support. It also appears that either Ally Sheedy has spent significant time in the gym since her emaciated role as a much more convincing lesbian in High Art, or the weight lifter is being played by a really hot body double. After the strange nude calisthenics (remember: written and directed by men), Alex appears wrapped in a thick bathrobe and begins to give Lou a massage. Her massage is interrupted, however, by mysterious sounds from outdoors just as the storm is beginning to hit.

It’s the sheriff—lurking around back and claiming that he heard something. After the two women shoo him off, he peeks in the window for a bit before realizing he’s not going to see any actual girl-on-girl action.

After Sheriff Deluca goes off to investigate a car that has been abandoned on the side of the road, the storm knocks out the telephone lines and makes the power blink on and off. Alex and Lou are seated together in their dining room having a sumptuous meal by candlelight when once again there are sounds from outside. This time they open the front door to reveal the bloody form of Lenny, played by Stephen Baldwin (yes, a Baldwin brother), slumped over their front stoop.

The two women carry him inside, strip him naked, lay him down by the fire, and then sit on the couch drinking what appears to be scotch while watching him. When Lenny wakes up, he explains that he is a clammer whose boat was destroyed by the storm. Ever the solicitous hostess, Lou offers him some scotch, since a man with a mild concussion can always benefit from some alcohol. Alex goes off to check on the laundry where they are drying his clothes, and Lou then takes Lenny into the kitchen for some food. But instead of food, she gives him a beer and a stick of beef jerky. (That’s right, beef jerky. It’s very weird.)

Lenny and Lou do some playful masculine bonding (i.e. they arm wrestle) which annoys Alex, who soon reappears with Lenny’s dry clothes and insists that Lou take him into town right away. Unfortunately, the shiny new Land Rover won’t start—which means that Lenny has to spend the night in the house. Afraid of what might happen, Alex puts a chair under the doorknob in their bedroom to prevent Lenny from breaking in and doing unspeakable things to them in their sleep.

The next morning, after a bizarre naked dream sequence and some middle-of-the-night wandering by Lenny, the three of them have a disgruntled breakfast together in the house’s beautiful kitchen. Apparently disgusted with the way Lou is being so nice to their ugly male houseguest, Alex (still dressed in the huge bathrobe) leaves them alone, and Lenny compliments Lou on being such a great “guy” and having such a beautiful woman. Finally Lou gets fed up with Lenny’s straight male fantasies of lesbianism and insists on leaving for town, having fixed the car (a battery cable was disconnected—something she certainly could have figured out the night before), but Lenny demands a golfing lesson first.

As soon as Lenny raises the golf club in a threatening manner we realize what’s going on: Lenny is the man who mugged Lou in New York! This was all a set up!

He knocks Lou unconscious and drags her off to the lake where he apparently drowns her. Then he goes back to the house, has sex with Alex (who is still in that bathrobe!), and they discuss when they’re going to get all of Lou’s money. “Soon,” Alex replies cryptically, a sure sign that something even more dastardly is in the works.

The remainder of the movie is one hackneyed red herring after another, including people who are not-quite-dead, corrupt lawmen, and evil lesbians. Alex turns out to be in league with both Lenny and the buffoonish Sheriff Deluca; Lou turns out to have survived the drowning and returns to the house only to be shot by Alex, who also shoots Lenny and the sheriff; and in the end guess who gets to share Lou’s fortune? That’s right: Carly. (Cue evil music.)

So it was all just a plot on the part of two hot sexy lesbians to kill off Alex’s lover and gain the golfer-motivational speaker’s fabulous fortune. Who cares if they kill a couple of gross men in the process?

Despite some really lovely cinematography (the director used to be a cinematographer) featuring the landscape of Long Island, Shelter Island is an undeniably bad movie. In fact, the plot is so ludicrous it almost deserves to be watched solely because it is so ridiculous.

Unfortunately it also serves up stereotypes of lesbian/bisexual women as manipulative bitches who will do anything to get what they want, including commit murder. It also provides plenty of gratuitous shots of beautiful naked women and lewd innuendo about lesbians to please male viewers, which leaves lesbian and bisexual viewers out in the cold. Even though the film is promoted as an “erotic thriller,” the eroticism is weak at best, and the thrills are minimal. If you’re in the mood for an actual “erotic thriller” with some fun lesbian or bisexual characters, check out Femme Fatale or The Haunting instead.

Shelter Island airs this month on The Movie Channel and the Showtime Showcase channel.