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The next morning — Noel asks Claire whether she's going to Craggy's potluck. Claire says no; she wouldn't want to miss any excitement at the Hump Whale.

The potluck — Lynn has just found out that her husband has left her. Sounds like a good reason to drink a lot (not that these women need a reason). This time they add a little pot to the mix too, and talk about men. Craggy and Noel giggle at the straight women bonding.

There are some interesting looks between Adrienne and Tara in this scene. If you'd like to know why, watch The Making Of. I am not getting paid to say that; I'm just frustrated by the editing and the writing and pretty much everything else that doesn't work in the finished product, which is pretty much everything.

Claire shows up just as things are getting exciting: Everyone's dancing and letting loose. Craggy is trying to get Noel to dance, but Noel resists — until she feels Claire dragging her out of her chair. They proceed to approximate some form of dirty dancing, and it's … well, I guess I wasn't entirely wrong when I thought it was sorta hot.

Meanwhile, Craggy and B.J. are doing the kind of dancing that's only slightly less hokey than the dance scenes in Lianna (which you should see instead of this movie). And everyone's staring at dramatic-and-erotic Claire and Noel.

Just as Claire and Noel are about to kiss, Lynn has a nervous breakdown and the party grinds to a halt.

The moment has passed — Back at Cabin 4, Claire and Noel glare at each other. Noel wants to know why Claire came to the potluck.

Noel: Strike out?
Claire: Not exactly. But reality … such a poor substitution.

What the hell does that mean?

Noel wants to know what Claire wants; Claire thinks maybe Noel can help her figure it out.

Noel: I never tinker with straight women.
Claire: No? Why not?
Noel: They take too many straight privileges.
Claire: What if they're just … following their destiny?
Noel: Destiny? I think you're confusing that with fleeting interest.
Claire: What about your … oh, what was that exotic supposition? Ah, yes, the vampire theory. From one of your books.
Noel: It's not my theory. It's an allegory, if anything.
Claire: Whatever. It does have merit.
Noel: Who for?
Claire: Oh I think that converting someone can be the height of seduction. You pierce the skin; you suck the passion from them … leaving them wanting … forever.
Noel: Until things get uncomfortable. The husband finds out, say. Opening doors can be very exciting, but Auntie Mame I am not.

And there you have it: the one good line in the movie. I hope I can find an occasion to say “Auntie Mame I am not” before I die.

They ramble some more, about hypotheses and theorems and heat, and it just hurts my ears. It all ends with Claire saying, “Don't flatter yourself.” Oooooh.

Another montage — Noel reads Claire's book on the beach while Claire masturbates in the cabin and the piano tinkles over everything. I couldn't make this up.

A playlist — Claire plays a piece called "Mystery of Noel." Noel wants Claire to play "Clair de Lune." Oh, wait, if you're taking requests, can I vote for "Honky Cat"?

Finally — Noel is walking on the beach. So is Claire. They go around opposite sides of the same rock and meet in the middle and finally — gasp! — kiss.

Then they go inside and have sex. Apparently some people consider this a very good sex scene, but to me, it's too little, too late. Yes, they do have some chemistry. Yes, Claire's orgasmic expressions are kinda nice, but really — how can this ever work?

Oh, wait: of course it can. They'll head off into the sunset, mispronouncing French and misplacing metaphors, and doing it all very dramatically and erotically. And the light will hit Noel's pinkie ring just right every evening, and they'll laugh and remember the Hump Whale Inn and the writers' meetings and the endless days of beer and backgammon. And we'll all salivate every time we hear Chopin, and we will all go down together, because if you eat p***y, you eat p***y — and if you watch Claire of the Moon, you lose your appetite.

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