Recap Attack: Bar Girls (page 5)
We watch these movies so you don't have to
by bad machine, December 6, 2006
Page 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 - Home
A Threat — After watching Girl and Lover make googly eyes at each other, the Man has had enough and finally sends Girl a note. “Get rid of her, or someone else will.” What kind of lame-ass threat is that? The Man is the wimpiest pimp ever written for film. He’s no pimp. He’s a Pimple.
The Girl says that when someone tries to force her to do things, she does the opposite. “So I’m keeping you,” she says, “at any cost.”
Bu Savè meets with Lover at an undisclosed location. Bu Savè promises her protection, of sorts. She is substantially larger than Lover, but unless she turns out to be a ninja or an assassin, it’s not clear what Bu Savè can do.
Lover walks into a bar. The Man is there drinking, alone. They have a stare-down. She buys him a drink. He spills it on purpose. Lover sips some wine. The Man leaves. They never speak a word. It’s unfathomable that this film did not win an Oscar.
Lover goes to see Girl. As soon as she steps into the room, they start to make out. There’s a bang on the door. It’s Pimple, who tries to push his way in. Girl says, “I can f*** whoever I want to!” and slams the door in his face.
Working through their fear, Lover and Girl have sex again. Holding Girl afterward while she sleeps, Lover narrates, “Is it the morning after? Are the leaves behind the window a very tender green?” Cripes, Lover has a major case of poetgasm, that horrid condition that makes otherwise normal people spout lyrical dreck after having sex.
Bu Savè, the Ninja — Lover meets up with Bu Savè for a coffee or something. They’re sitting at an outdoor café when Pimple walks up on them. Turns out, Bu Savè is a ninja. Lover gets in a couple of good shots, but Bu Savè whips off her belt in a flash and opens up a can of whup-ass on Pimple.
While he’s on the ground, they take off and don’t stop until they hit the park. They have a good laugh, as would anyone who just kicked some guy’s ass.
Breaking In — It’s a rainy night, and Lover and Girl are spooning again. Suddenly, there’s loud, urgent banging on the door. Like idiots, they get up to see who it is. Who do you think it is, the ghost of Charles de Gaulle? In a flash of lightning, we can see Girl has grabbed a gun.
The door busts open and Pimple and his crew push in.
Cut straight to the next morning. True to form, nothing happened in the previous scene. Girl and Lover are cleaning up the room — Pimple’s crew knocked over a bunch of stuff. Girl realizes they took her gun. “He doesn’t own me,” she says bravely. Yeah, but he owns your gun now, ya dumb Girl.
A few days later (I think — who can tell with this flick?), they’re back in bed. “Sing me a song,” Lover says. Girl won’t sing, thank God. Instead, she pulls out a note from Pimple that reads, “This time, you’ll pay.”
Follow That Pimple — Lover decides the best defense is a strong offense, so she takes to following Pimple everywhere he goes. Why he doesn’t just turn around and blow her head off is beyond me. He has a gun, after all. But that’s what makes him a Pimple, and not a pimp.
Know who else has a gun? Bu Savè, that’s who. She gives it to Lover for protection. What are friends for?
Where Is Everybody? — Lover can’t find Girl or Pimple. She goes to see the bartender at Carrousel de Paris. He tells her the Girl probably left town with “the boss.” “The boss?” Lover asks. Yeah, turns out Pimple owns the nightclub.
Upbeat, jazzy piano music is playing as Lover walks the Paris street alone at night. A car pulls up, and a man gets out. He socks her twice in the gut and runs away. Yup. That’s all.
Later, she sits in the club, watching Pimple fawn over the newest addition to his stable. The Girl is nowhere to be found. Pimple sees Lover, walks over to her and laughs in her face.
French thugs aren’t very tough. No wonder their military sucks.
Take My Gun — Lover goes to see Girl. She is still wearing that suit. It must be able to walk around by itself by now, it’s so ripe. Lover gives Girl the gun because she has such a good history with firearms.
Back at the club, Girl sings a little ditty while Lover and Pimple take it outside. Lover is scrappy, but the round goes to Pimple this time. Lover takes a post-match shower, but she has no bruises, even though she just got pummeled in the face.
Bu Savè leaves Lover a chalkboard pick-me-up: “I’m with you whatever you do.”
Lover is pacing outside the hotel for the millionth time. Girl finds her and tells her to go get some booze and come back later. “Then, it will be just the two of us,” she says softly.
Lover does as she’s told and waits for the signal. The lights don’t flash as expected, so she goes upstairs. She walks in and finds Girl standing over a trick’s sleeping body. Wordlessly, Lover walks away.
Girl acts like it never happened. She tells Lover cheerily, “I’m going to take you on a cruise.” Lover says she can’t stay. She won’t make out with Girl anymore. It’s one thing to know your girlfriend is a prostitute, but it’s another to see it, I guess.
Lover goes off and broods down by the Seine. “I walk. I walk. Hours pass. Maybe days,” she narrates. It’s definitely days.
After what feels like an eternity, Lover returns to the hotel just in time to hear a gunshot ring out. She runs up the stairs and calls out for her Girl. She gets no reply. Slowly, Lover opens the hotel room door.
Pimple lies dead on the floor. The Girl is on the bed. She has one fake-looking gunshot wound in her abdomen. “Did he hurt you, Lover,” the Girl says slowly.
Fade to white.
Yes, that’s it. That’s how this craptastic film ends. I’m so, so sorry.
Page 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 - Home 
