A damaged and brilliant rapper from the wrong side of the tracks meets and falls in love with the pretty blonde daughter of a famous actor. No, it’s not the plot of a CW pilot. It’s the plot of Angel Haze’s love life as told by social media. It all started that strange summer in the O.C., when Ireland Baldwin staggered out of a taupe Mcmansion, sucking on an e-cig and anxiously twisting her David Yurman skull statement ring. A dark, smirking, lanky figure loomed unexpectedly in the gated cul-de-sac.
“Who are you?” whispered in a husky voice she learned last month in improv class.
Angel Haze lifted her leather snapback, gazing at Ireland Baldwin with wide mahogany eyes.
“Whoever you want me to be.”
Angel’s big break came in 2012, when she recorded a brutally beautiful cover of Eminem‘s “Cleaning Out My Closet.” Ireland’s big break came in 1995, when she was born to Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Angel and Ireland’s relationship began in April, when Ireland posted the first of many romantic pictures with the rapper. Since then, a small portion of the internet-dwelling world has been breathlessly watching their relationship evolve in real time.
Here is a timeline of Ireland Baldwin and Angel Haze’s relationship for your conspicuous consumption.
The happiest place on earth for the happiest homos in Cali.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) March 25, 2014
No, the heart stops beating at death.
Is it weird this statement made me think about menstrual blood?
Or maybe just horny.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) April 9, 2014
Angel Haze would like you to share that fascination.
Never been so fascinated by one person. Like, endlessly. Even your happiness has become my own.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) April 13, 2014
Because they’re quirky like that.
Angel and Ireland made promises (to take more cute pics), are in love.
Angel and Ireland are too grunge to care in black and white, the preferred filter of modern grunge.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) April 19, 2014
Matching tattoos on Easter/420 after presumably watching Moulin Rouge naked and super stoned.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) April 21, 2014
Angel and Ireland caption their embrace with Bon Iver. lyrics. “Skinny Love” is everyone’s indie love anthem.
Angel Haze thinks Ireland has a bad memory, Ireland thinks Angel is a bitch. Insults = affection for the young, beautiful, and deliriously infatuated.
Me: are you going to remember? Huh? No…b/c you have no memory. Ireland: you know what I also don’t remember? Asking you to be a bitch.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) April 22, 2014
Ireland and Angel spend a day at the animal shelter and ponder animal adoption because that’s what we do.
That IS WHAT WE HEARD.
Ireland is apparently part velociraptor.
If I looked like Angel or Ireland, I’d probably have a photographer document my life too. That lighting is immaculate.
Ireland Baldwin is mad manic pixie dream girl.
Angel Haze posts a video of Ireland Baldwin on a children’s toy saying, “On my way to steal your bitch.” Angel Haze posts several pictures of the couple at Toys R Us & repeated comments on how stupid Ireland Baldwin is. What is it with young love and frolicking on children’s toys in warehouse style superstores? “Stupid” is young love for “Squee! She’s so cute.”
OMG Ireland is so stupid I can’t. — Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 11, 2014
Whenever I hear a rapper talking about the disloyalty of hoes, I think, “WELL YOU WERE LITERALLY JUST RAPPING ABOUT HOW MANY HOES YOU HAVE SO MAYHAPS YOU AIN’T LOYAL EITHER? Why do you expect hoes to be loyal if you’re not loyal?”
Don’t you ever wish you could really show someone who you are inside? …but then, like, nah…these hoes ain’t loyal.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 13, 2014
May 14 I
Ireland Baldwin washes Angel Haze’s whites, they turn pink. To be fair neither Angel or Ireland strike me as people who do their own laundry.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 14, 2014
Ireland begs for Angel’s love. Begging for a girl’s love is only cute when, like Angel, that girl already loves you.
Love me with every ounce of you. Give me all your love or give me none. I’m begging for it.
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 14, 2014
Angel Haze feels like an idiot for showing emotion because emotions are fundamentally idiotic if regrettably unavoidable.
The moment you feel like a fuckng idiot for showing emotion. I lose. — Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 16, 2014
I love you @AngelHaze
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) May 16, 2014
Angel declares that she misses her angel Ireland like the devil she is, really going for that bad girl/good girl dichotomy. Any girl who regularly describes herself as “the devil” is clearly a total marshmallow on the inside. We see you girl.
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 17, 2014
Raise your hand if you’ve received a slightly uncomfortable sexy tongue pic from a dyke.
A DAMN good way to make a dyke fall in love. Seriously, tell a girl she’s the best you’ve ever had and watch her boyshorts drop like whoa.
Skull and heart emoji’s are Angel’s way of saying, “I am sappy as fuck but still hella hard. DON’T get it twisted.”
High. Trying to escape a body that is void of your touch. I need you that much. pic.twitter.com/yqzqwwpkKH
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 22, 2014
Angel affectionately refers to Ireland as “wifey” and “uberdyke’ in the standard vernacular of wifed up lesbos.
Me: ya even tho she’s an uber dyke Ireland: I am not an uber dyke My mom: what is that? Does that mean she’s a dyke that rides in uber cars?
— Angxl Hxze (@AngelHaze) May 24, 2014
Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin’s relationship is the epitome of young love: sexy, slightly anguished, and toeing the fine line between adorable and nauseating. It’s also revolutionary. Ten or even five years ago, a romance between two gorgeous, wealthy, uber-cool female members of young Hollywood would have been carefully concealed. Hot young straight couples have been screaming their lusty romantic endeavors for eons now, but public lesbianism was simply not done.
Angel and Ireland are breathing, tweeting proof that queer girls aren’t the hideous, man hating, unpopular socially rejected walking flannel punchlines so prevalent in American culture. Their intense, over-sharing, dramatic, cloying, sexual, unabashed romance is one of those classic human stories formerly reserved for heterosexual white couples. Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin aren’t just breaking the “dyke” mold; they’re shattering it into a million jagged pieces, then throwing the fragments right back in your face.
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