As a public service, AfterEllen.com strives to bring you information to help you live a full and happy life. Like Oprah, except with lesbians. Assuming Oprah is not a lesbian. Which she is not.
This week, we came into possession of some information that could actually save your full and happy life – and the lives of generations to come. Thanks to the fine folks at the American Library Association, we now know the most dangerous thing in the entire world:
Penguins. That’s right, hang your heads in shame, heinous penguins.
And if the penguins happen to be gay – well, lock the doors and hide the children. The apocalypse is at hand.
Fortunately, conservative activists are doing their part to protect us from the scourge of the seabirds by removing all trace of them from American libraries. That’s why the ALA’s No. 1 most challenged book of 2010 is the salacious tome, And Tango Makes Three, by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson. Tango tells the smutty story of Roy and Silo, two male Chinstrap Penguins that hatched and parented baby penguin Tango at the New York Central Park Zoo. The male couple had been trying to hatch a rock that looked like an egg, so zookeepers decided to let them have a real one. The egg donors were a male-female penguin couple that had two eggs and could only care for one. The couple expressed no reservation about their chick being raised in a gay habitat.
The story would be frightening enough as fiction, given the horrifying nature of penguins. But And Tango Makes Three is based on a true story. So, not only are penguins multiplying, they are being raised in unnatural environments like the New York City Central Park Gay Zoo. What’s next? Lest you be lulled into complacency by the adorability of the itty-bitty waddling birds in tuxedos, our own Heather Hogan supplied a video that she found on a secret website called YouTube. In this brief excerpt, we clearly see the true nature of the penguin menace. (Playing this video absolves AfterEllen.com of all actual or implied responsibility for the content’s affect on viewers.) We suspect that the other top books also try to normalize dangerous situations. Number two, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian obviously is a sequel to The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls in Love. (Lesbians! In love!) Number three, Brave New World, probably is about what happens after gay penguins and lesbians destroy the world and civilization begins again.
I can’t go on. You’ll have to look at the list and decide for yourself. I’m not about to read them and find out because I trust these protesters to protect me from harm. Should you venture as far as to read the books, Godspeed, friends. Godspeed.
