Dear Joss Stone,
Joss, I feel we never talk. True, the burden of that lies squarely on my shoulders because you don’t know me and I am the one with your CDs, a television and a subscription to People, so I know all about you. I admit the main thing keeping me from introducing myself to you is that I am totally nervous because you are this amazing soul singer and though I do have a soul, I doubt it translates into melodic crooning in any capacity.
Even if we were
best friends acquaintances, I realize that you probably wouldn’t have much time to talk to me because you are a busy singer-songwriter. These days you are even busier because you are the new face of Coco Mademoiselle; you just wrapped the movie Snappers, where you play a lesbian (I have already reserved my ticket on Fandango, so in case you were thinking about it, I cannot attend the premiere with you); and now I hear that Barack Obama has asked you to sing his campaign song for the presidential election. Wow, that is an honor.
Are you nervous? I mean, that is a huge. You would be joining a prestigious list of such great artists who have lent their voices to presidential campaigns, like Fleetwood Mac who let Bill Clinton use their song "Don’t Stop" for the 1992 election. John Fogerty voiced the song for George W. Bush‘s campaign with "Fortunate Son." (Were truer words ever sung, Joss? I suppose only if a song titled "Nepotism Is Awesome" existed.) And more recently, John McCain has been using ABBA‘s hit song "Take a Chance on Me" (although between me and you, I’d rather not).
So in case you were interested, I thought I would offer you some advice in your new venture into musical politics to make sure everything goes smoothly for you:
1. Please don’t take any lyrical advice from Ludacris. Barack did not like his choice of lyrics in his latest song, "Politics as Usual," and I can’t say I blame him. In it he called Hillary Clinton a "b—-" (just an awful word) and said Republican candidate John McCain (aka the man who won’t be buying your Obama song on iTunes) did not belong "in any chair unless he’s paralyzed." Yikes. We all have our political opinions, and I am sure I don’t have to tell you this, Joss (because I am sure you are as angelic as your voice), but you should definitely stick with lyrical kindness.
2. I heard that Alicia Keys and Jay-Z have also pledged their support to Obama, and both of them have dedicated songs to him. OK, here is what I’m thinking: Perhaps all three of you can perform together in a "We Are the World" kind of way. Maybe throw in actress/Obama supporter Scarlett Johansson? What do you think? She does have an album of her own, so really that’s two talents for the price of one.
And (I know this is asking a lot but) if you can muster these kinds of connections, why not Oprah? If we’re going to do this thing, let’s aim high, Joss Stone. I’m not sure how strong of a singer Oprah will be, and if she’s not the best … well, then her microphone could always unplug itself. Accidentally. No one needs to know.
3. Barack might be tempted to use one of your hit songs instead of creating a new one. If he does choose this angle, you should encourage him to not use the song "Dirty Man." Although it is very catchy, I have a hunch that something like that may work against Barack. One of your other songs, "Right To Be Wrong," is another example of a poor choice. We don’t want people thinking Barack is a secretly a "bad boy" of politics who passes bad legislation for the thrill of it. (G.W. has that image on lockdown anyway).
You may instead want to consider instead manipulating the song "I Fell in Love With a Boy." Ideally I would like you to change the name of the song to "I Fell in Love With a Girl," but I realize that that would be a tad self-serving and going a little off course.
So forgetting my needs for a moment and sticking with your main objective, I would suggest perhaps changing the lyrics to: "I fell in love with Barack … his politics are not wack …"
And so on and so forth. Feel free to use that line. Really. It’s a gift for what I am hoping will be our newfound friendship.
Aside from these ideas, I can only wish you the very bust of luck, Joss Stone. I am sure you will be a great songstress and a huge asset for Barack. If only McCain was smart enough to have tried to lure you to his side — then I would have had something to worry about.
God Bless America.