“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.9): A Caterpillar of Her Community

Tyra is wearing a garment that is a high-fashion gown and an elementary school desk. Two can play at that game: Laura is wearing crazy homemade stockings with patterns of big holes in them. They’re actually pretty cool. But can you write an essay on or store Elmer’s glue in them? No. Point: Tyra. Tyra calls Laura a pirate for reasons unknown. We don’t care, though, because Laura’s photo looks incredible. Barney Cheng says Laura gets the tension between the hard and the soft. Nobody tell Alisha.

Eboni, still no dummy, wears her pony tails to panel. In her photo, she’s covering herself in a sort of frightened way and Nigel loves her body language. I am a little bit not cool with that. Tyra says Eboni has no waist and no shoulders. Uh oh.

Catherine’s photo is so mediocre you can almost hear a slide whistle when it goes up. The judges tell her to be wistful rather than in mourning when she goes for sad emotions. Golly, I wonder if Mr. Jay could have said such a thing during the actual shoot.

Alisha has a Union Jack flower on her shoulder. Tyra says she looks like a singing modelgram and sings a perky birthday telegram in a British accent. I wish human words could fully explain how weird that moment is. The judges like the top half of Alisha’s photo, but complain that she isn’t selling the dress.

Annaliese looks good, sleek, and bendy, but Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says she doesn’t get why her hand is on her head. Because Jay has been directing them to suck, that’s why. During the shoot, Annaliese was thinking, “He doesn’t love me,” and about walking in and finding her man with another woman. Which either gave her a headache or Annaliese keeps a knife tucked behind her ear.

I think Sophie looks gorgeous in her photo, but Nigel doesn’t like her emotion. (That Jay directed her to have!) Tyra says she looks like an actress who’s nervous about being in a fashion magazine. The note of contempt in Tyra’s voice when she says “actress” is worth all the uncomfortable post-massage tea in China.

The judges love Laura and her vertebrae. “Incredible neck!” says Nigel, and Tyra adds “It’s all about the neck when you’re modeling!” But 40 minutes ago Nigel told us it was all about the eyes! We’re getting some mixed modeling messages tonight.

The judges say the exact same thing about Eboni that they said earlier: Interesting body language, not enough neck. Hey, judges, can we talk about the fact that you all think a woman posing as though she is covering herself in fear would be just awesome for a fashion spread and that’s a little bit creepy? No time? Fine.

Oh, dear, they really don’t care for Catherine’s photo. And LPRMKC still hates her walk from last week. Tyra remembers Catherine’s video performance and says she has something special. Alisha is not selling the dress. Annaliese did great, but LPRMKC says she’s a TV host, not a model. I think LPRMKC was frightened by a TV host as a child. They call Sophie average but admit that the dress looks great.

Best Photo: Laura! Go, Team LezBiModel!

Runner Up: Annaliese.

Sophie third! Eboni fourth! Two girls left! Alisha made her dress look bad! Catherine was weak! Catherine has been crying for quite some time now.

This Week’s Obsolete Model:

Aw, sorry, Catherine. You played well and seemed to be a good and decent person. Catherine says she’s proud of herself and has no regrets.

Next Week:
Hong Kong! Martial Arts! The models pose hundreds of feet in the air! Oh, hang on, Eboni says Laura’s sleeping her way to the top! I think a certain model is about to put the “bi” in “ambidextrous beating.” See you there!

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