“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.8): Oh, Hell, Kitty

 
 

Two hours before the Big, Prestigious Prize! Seriously, why the time stamps? 

There are 8 million judges and we shall not go into them here. Sophie says these people make supermodels and Annaliese runs through a few names. Laura tidily calls them the Fashion Mafia. Let’s leave it at that. 

The judges say models are cast based on their character and you have to own your look. Thanks! 

Alisha says she doesn’t want to screw things up for her designers, but then she’s in character and ready to rock. At first it looks like she’s been made to carry some sort of fascinating pet cage, but it turns out to be a suitcase that’s covered in square bits of mirror. I’m pretending it’s a disco ball that decided it was time to settle down, have some kids, and get a real job. 

Catherine doesn’t fall! Sophie says she’s getting more confident and getting a Sophie Strut! She does look stunning for Bob’s Dresses, and Sophia Sizzi gives the game away and reveals she actually is from a chic ‘60s movie by comparing Sophie to Twiggy. 

Annaliese looks athletic and bad-ass and LPRMKC admits that she did well. 

And the winner of the terribly ancient and prestigious prize goes to Bob’s Jewelry! Alisha wins the challenge! She’s psyched! 

Tyra Mail!

“Who knew couture could be so purrrr-fect?” Criminy. 

Alisha and Annaliese and Sophie all adorably try to do the tongue roll of the purr with a claw-hand motion. Laura hopes they’ll get to pose with lions or tigers

Siren Studios!

Ooookay. The models will be posing in specially designed couture made from Hello Kitty products. Also the photographer is Ann He, who is 16 years old and was a finalist in a photography competition in Seventeen. You guys, do you think Tyra is trying for the youth market? I can’t tell. 

The outfits are delightfully loonball, so it would be really nice if the CW had posted pictures of more than one of them. I’ll do my best. 

Catherine is dressed in Hello Kitty dominoes on her bodice and snap bracelets all around her skirt. I can’t tell what her Elizebethan/Spacewoman collar is made out of. It looks like maybe two layers of pens. You heard me. Catherine likes the shoot because it’s weird and edgy. Jay likes Catherine’s regal jumping. Sophie looks a wee bit miffed at Jay’s happy coaching of someone who is not Sophie. 

Alisha is wearing kind of a football (American football)/gladiator/dominatrix thing with Hello Kitty purses for shoulder pads and holy crap, why does Hello Kitty make an adorable pink whip? 

“That’s totally embodying the persona of this garment,” says Jay, as Alisha nails her shoot. Oh, all right: I’m going to miss him. Alisha is riding high and says that Hurricane Alisha is coming. 

Sophie has been dressed as a pincushion/carp kite in a bonnet. Her dress is bright red and puffy, with little Hello Kitties over it. I typed that sentence in deference to your delicate sensibilities, because I have concerns that she may just be dotted with Hello Kitty heads. Jay and the photographer aren’t into her. Nor is Alisha. 

Annaliese is elegant and glowing even though she has kitty faces on her tits and a basket on her head. She also has a pink sheath dress with puffy Hello Kitty heads around the hem of the skirt, and I have no idea what is cascading from her shoulders. They are clearly meant to evoke scales or feathers, and they do a fine job of that, but I have no idea what the individual thingies actually are, or why they seem to have the ends of so many zip cuffs poking out of them. 

Seymone has a ridiculous 2-foot-high Geisha wig and she is not amused. She immediately starts grousing, and Mr. Jay says, “In the world of fashion, nothing is ever comfortable.” Alisha says Seymone walks around with a face of death and Sophie agrees that Seymone had major ‘tude and was struggling. I believe I have just come to the realization that Seymone’s kimono collar is made out of flattened Hello Kitty makeup bags.  Seymone’s kimonoish thing, in the fleeting glimpses we get of it, looks pretty cool. Why they also made her carry a lantern, we may never know. I hope it secretly has a light-up Hello Kitty skull in it. 

Jiminy Crickets, Laura has been dressed in lunchboxes and Pez dispensers in a kind of Flamenco dress. I think there might also be some keychains. For some reason, an editor has cut Laura’s lunchbox-and-Pez shoot in with a very serious interview about Laura trying to parent her parents and how much is at stake. She says she can’t let the hugeness of it push her over the edge. 

Eboni’s head and shoulders are covered in stuffed animals and she’s got a ruffly skirt that I think is made up of more makeup bags. She still hates the “30-Never” thing, hates it, hates it, hates it, and I am fully in agreement with her on that. On the other hand, if you can’t look young when you are covered in stuffed cartoon kitty heads, when can you? Eboni says she grew up poor and, more to the point, grew up, so to hell with this little-girl Hello Kitty noise. 

Jay does not care for her shoot, and, ever helpful, says, “Make a shape for me.” Then he sighs and mutters “The Judges are going to tear her alive. It’s terrible.” I swear to you on all the cuteness in Japan that I wrote my critique of Mr. Jay before I saw this. I swear it. 

Panel!

Judges! Designer Georgina Chapman is a guest judge! Whatever, we’ve seen her for all of 30 seconds this episode. Ms. Chapman, I’m sure you’re a very nice and accomplished person, but I ignore thee. 

 

Seymone looks stiff. LPRMKC calls the angle of her body “disturbing.” Wow, the judges really take some time to mock her. I guess LPRMKC taught them that index card thing. 

Laura is bendy. She looks good. Also looking good? Tyra’s cleavage as she leans over the judging table. Credit where credit is due. 

Eboni looks weird and scared. The judges complain that she’s making a fierce face instead of “30-Never.” Eboni is so over this nonsense. Tyra says she should pretend she has Novocain in her entire face. So more drooling? 

Catherine looks kind of great to met, but the judges aren’t sure about it. Alisha looks amazing and totally evokes Grace Jones. Everyone loves it, and Alisha is glowing because she knows she’s done well. Sophie looks freaky and good. Bleargh, LPRMKC really takes some time to craft what she thinks will be clever, devastating descriptors a lot. Of Sophie, she says, “I don’t know. It’s like if Debbie Harry left CBGB and ended up in Hello Kitty Land.” She says it like an insult, but in what context would that not be awesome? Also: current ANTM contestants, please raise your hand if you know who Debbie Harry is. I thought so. 

Annaliese looks like she’s disengaging from gravity and lifting off to fly straight up into space, but Nigel doesn’t like the face she’s making. Nor does LPRMKC. She says, “It makes me want to say ‘Hasta la vista,’” which makes zero sense in context. None. I think there’s an editor out there fighting the good fight who wants to show how ridiculous her one-liners are. 

Tyra says they’ll see who is a Hello Kitty and who is a Bye-Bye Kitty. Oy. 

Deliberations! 

Tyra talks about bad kitties and Nigel does a mad cat. 

LPRMKC calls Catherine’s walk bad and hates Seymone’s walk too. LPRMKC also rats Seymone out for being rude about criticism. Nigel is thrilled with Alisha and Kelly calls her a superstar. They note that this is her first amazing picture. 

Ugh, Laura looks great and has interesting angles again, so now the judges are bitching about how she always looks great and has interesting angles. You heard them, Laura! Stand ramrod straight and don’t look so good.

Nigel says it’s a cool shot, but he expects more. Kelly calls Laura a one-trick pony, what with the bending and looking good. Mind you: Laura’s not bending the same way each time. Not by a long shot. She’s just bending around in different ways to try to give them the interesting shapes and shots the judges ask for. Next they’re going to ding Laura for tooching. 

The judges hilariously say that Eboni’s outfit is “wearing her.” You guys, her head is surrounded by kitty heads. Really? Also, LPRMKC bitches that Eboni was “dissing all of us by not wearing her pony tails” at the challenge. That is flat-out making something up to be offended by. Is that LPRMKC’s secret super power? 

The judges don’t get Sophie’s face, but liked her walk in the show. Annaliese also gets props for walking well. 

Decision Time!

Seven girls! Six photos! 

Best photo:

Alisha! Annaliese applauds her as she goes up to collect it. Aww. 

Runner up:

Sophie! 

Next Catherine gets called, and then Laura. Laura tries to assert her determination to pose differently, but Tyra hustles her along. Annaliese skitters out of the dread Bottom Two stigma. 

Bottom Two:

Eboni and Seymone. Tyra says they both lack respect. Seymone doesn’t appreciate her opportunity! The judges don’t think Eboni appreciates and respects her awesome forced branding persona! (They are correct! She hates it because it’s degrading and it sucks!) 

This Week’s Discontinued Model:

Seymone 

Well, at least she doesn’t have to be polite when someone calls her “fiercely real” again. Whoops, except one more time: Seymone gets a condescending speech from Tyra about how she has to represent all “fiercely real” girls. 

Seymone revs up the pissing and moaning machine. I wish she and LPRMKC had had time to stage a cranky-off. Seymone says that other people should have been eliminated instead because they were ready to walk out (Who? Kyle?) and asks if she can stop talking now, because she seriously wants to stop talking about it. And then she does. 

Four Brits and two Americans remain! I am calling the top three as Sophie, Alisha, and Laura. But I could be wrong! Hit the comments and tell me why. 

Next Week!

They’re going to Asia! That is extremely unspecific! And Jay tells them they’ll be wearing live silkworms. AWESOME. Meet you right back here, OK?

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