“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.8): Oh, Hell, Kitty

The Beverly Hills Hotel!

Laura tells us that the hotel is elegant and extravagant and looks like it’s from another time. And they must like titles, because Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is here. Oh, she was just a whisper away from being in time to meet Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom. If you look up into the upper right-hand corner of your screen, you can see Cupid snap his bow in frustration. 

Annaliese, finally getting a scrap of airtime in this episode, is concerned because Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone hates her. Well, yes. I’d call that a valid concern. Annaliese half-jokingly says that Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone doesn’t even want to like her, but I think she may have hit on an important truth. 

LPRMKC says the Beverly Hills Hotel is internationally renowned and the home of the fashion elite and man, did someone drive a hard bargain, because we will be praising and celebrating this hotel and the others in its chain all night long. 

Anyway, nice digs. 

LPRMKC says the models are going to be seen by some of the industry’s most powerful and influential people, and they’ve heard that before, so it looks like they’re wisely holding back on the squee. 

They’re also going to get to open a show! Maybe! Anyway, that’s apparently a big honor, so we get some surprised and happy reaction shots, which, uh, may have been recorded in several takes, and on demand.

Bronwyn Cosgrave, who I am immediately saddened to see is the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize’s chairperson and not someone’s tragically lonely half-elf warrior Dungeons and Dragons character who was raised among humans and only finds true joy in the thick of battle, says the competition is esteemed and the judges are esteemed and the designers are esteemed and the prize is esteemed. The designers stand to win $40,000 and a showing in Paris Fashion Week, so don’t screw it up for them, models! 

The models stand to win a night in one of the hotels that is owned by the Dorchester Collection, which was confusing me because I thought it was some fashion house’s clothing collection, but in fact it is a collection of hotels. OK, fine. The hotels are indeed lovely. 

I am a wee bit suspicious of how prestigious this Fashion Prize is, though, mostly because the show keeps hammering in the message of how incredibly esteemed and prestigious it is. Take it down a notch, Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize. Do you see the Nobel Prize insecurely bragging about how great it is all the time? No. It’s very relaxed. That’s why Emmy and Oscar are both so hot for it as to be putty in its hands. (Oh, settle down. Everyone knows you don’t give out an internationally recognized collection of science prizes without a little experimenting.) 

Anyway, blah blah huge prize elite elite huge deal huge. (Hey, wait a minute. This thing was only three years old this year. That is some rather precocious awarding of elite prestige, kids.) [Personal to Tyra Banks: Google exists.] 

Anyway, the models who don’t get chosen to open will still walk, but we will all know their shame. Also they will be made to wear those collars the vet puts on your pet after surgery. OK, no, they won’t. But wouldn’t it be better if they were? 

Catherine worries because they’re going to a casting with the designers and she didn’t get booked in Canada. Annaliese, who has realized that her skills as a TV narrator are valuable to the editors but not that they will get her kicked off the show, explains that the models are walking for the designers, and that the terrifying and surly LPRMKC is right there, but she, Annaliese, is just focusing on walking well. 

There are eight million designers in this and they all have challenging names, so to save us all a little time we’re going to give their design houses handy pseudonyms. Anyway, the ladies from Bob’s Jewelry say that having good models is important. 

LPRMKC is lurking around like the Phantom of the Opera and once again proving her savvy about maintaining a likable public image by constantly making that face you make when you assumed you were getting dill pickles on that sandwich but they turned out to be sweet. 

Poor Catherine stumbles right in front of the Bob’s Jewelry ladies. Does she get any points for catching herself on a makeup table? Alas, no. The Bob’s Jewelry ladies say she seems nervous. 

OK, we will learn one new name tonight, that of Sophia Sizzi, who is a designer for Bob’s Dresses. Which I’m sure is a very fulfilling job, but Sophia Sizzi is clearly meant to be an actress who is always just taking a sip of her cocktail in a chic movie from the early 1960s. Why does she try to escape the destiny of her name? 

LPRMKC says Eboni makes a face that’s too stern and calls her “robots on OxyContin.” Yes, she used the plural. And then she threw away the index card from when she thought of that awesome burn while she was at the grocery store and wrote it down and put it in her purse to use whenever. 

Another designer, for Bob’s More Brightly Colored Dresses, likes Annaliese. LPRMKC side coaches the models as they walk and tells Laura not to be so serious. “It’s not the end of the world. It’s only fashion.” Tell that to Nigel. 

Sophie bonds with a designer for Bob’s Black, White, and Gray Dresses who lived in Oxford, where Sophie went to a girls’ school. Alisha says she’s seeing a lot of fakery and wishes people would stop acting and just be themselves. Oh, dear. On the other hand, this sequence is clearly cut together from about six different moments, so who knows who Alisha’s actually talking about? 

This designer says “It’s very important that the models feel the vibe of my clothes,” but what he means is way less interesting than that sounds. 

LPRMKC says, “We did not have what I call ‘a Slayer,’” which I hope means she has a secret love of heavy metal. Anyway, none of the models knock LPRMKC’s socks off. She makes that horse noise where they blow through their lips and (Surprise!) frowns again to make her point. 

Commercials!

Say, Tampax, when you named your latest product “Tampax Radiant,” did you think about the fact that “radiant” means “emitting something in all directions from a central point?” Because I don’t think you thought about it quite enough. 

Ten minutes until the opening girls are announced!

I have no idea why we’ve been given this arbitrary time stamp! LPRMKC scowls and gives the models some coaching after they have already walked for the designers. Thanks, show! She dislikes Eboni’s fierce face and makes Catherine feel bad for stumbling, because that is LPRMKC’s crabtastic mission in life. 

She also says this: “I’ve probably produced over 700 fashion shows, easy. Maybe a thousand…” Oh, LPRMKC. Maybe read some of that advice up above for the Dorchester Prize? 

LPRMKC says Seymone swings her arms when she walks and you can’t do that. Seymone is pissy about receiving criticism, this and all other, and the models call her on it. We get a montage of Seymone’s moods. Laura accurately points out that being a grumbleball around people who could hire you is dumb, and Annaliese says Seymone is hard work. All of this is true. But why does LPRMKC get a free pass? 

LPRMKC makes the announcements! Alisha is opening for Bob’s Jewelry! Annaliese is opening for Bob’s More Brightly Colored Dresses! Sophie is opening for Bob’s Dresses and Bob’s Black, White, and Gray Dresses! 

The other girls won’t open for anyone, but they’ll walk with paper bags on their heads. 

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