“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.7): Kyle Butts In

 
 

Modelland!
Alisha says she is not packing, she’s preparing. But she’s not down for the count yet, and says she’ll be pissed if she goes home instead of Kyle. Alisha says, “I did not cross this water for nothing.” I love her a little bit more for that.

Panel!
Tyra is wearing a stained-glass window from Sin City. Do not look directly at it or think about it while operating heavy machinery. Your brain will not be able to take in anything else.

Pictures! Catherine looks like she’s maybe starting a footrace and her butt looks great, but her face doesn’t do much. Estelle breaks and acknowledges that this photo shoot was difficult because it was completely ridiculous.

Tyra says, for real, this: “The art of the booty tooch is all about scooping out your lower back. And you have scooped the lower back and have me looking at your booty.” Nigel’s frontal lobes rebel for a second and he starts to call out Tyra on even thinking of the phrase “the art of the booty tooch,” let alone managing to utter it, but then he thinks about his paycheck and settles back down.

Alisha is not committed, even though her butt looks great. Nigel, cerebellum battered back into submission, says it looks like she has a toochache.

Sophie looks like she’s about to rip our throats out with her teeth, but in a good way. Nigel says, in all seriousness, “I think this is more of a smize than a tooch shot.” I hope he gets a nice beach house out of that.

Annaliese pulls her own hair and gets what Nigel and Kelly think is her best shot ever. Whoops, Tyra is not so thrilled. She calls Annaliese commercial instead of high fashion. Quelle horreur!

Eboni looks like she’s suspended in antigravity.

It’s what I think is an undeniably interesting shot, but Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says, “I just think it’s a little topsy-turvy-upside-downy.” Fine.

Kyle cops to the fake butt. But we already know she’s in trouble because they picked a shot where you don’t see the tooch much. Perhaps they were worried about a cheating scandal after all. And Kyle’s making the same face she’s been making since the Cretaceous Era. Kelly Cutrone pretends that Kyle’s vacant, wooden Andy Warhol shot from the first week was really good. Why are we still pretending that?

Laura has an extreme body and a good face, but Nigel isn’t into it. Tyra is.

Seymone does a deep backbend and looks great. Nigel says to her, “I would have thought that the shape of your tooch would be enormous… but it’s not. It makes sense for me.” Charming. Nobody send Nigel to counsel middle school girls, OK? Anyway, they like Seymone.

Deliberations!

Nigel liked Catherine’s PSA, but not her photo. Kelli Cutrone takes a huge pause and then says, totally spontaneously, and not at all having practiced saying this dozens of times in her legendary PR office, “I don’t know… This looks like a leg of lamb that should have gone back into the freezer.”

Kelli Cutrone, if it ever actually gets released, I have a PSA I think you should watch. Just be yourself.

Alisha is flat in her own photo, but looks fantastic in the backgrounds of other people’s shots. Kelly says Alisha is good in person and worth working with to help her improve, and wins absolution from further cruel comments for the rest of this recap.

Estelle loves Sophie. Simon and Tyra growl at each other in imitation.

Nigel says Eboni is blossoming, but Kelly doesn’t think it’s magazine. Tyra says it’s totes Italian Vogue, and she can imitate the editor of that publication, so that settles it.

Nigel praises Kyle’s smize, but the others aren’t haven’t. Tyra accuses Kyle of Poochy Tooching, one of the tooching no-nos she warned us against last week, and suddenly more footage from the Tooch Teach rears up without warning. Why?! Why did we all split up to go skinny dipping?!

They think Laura maybe went too far in her posing, but come on, she’s totally in.

Annaliese’s commercial pose comes up again, and to his credit, Nigel points out that a major component of their prize package is commercial, duh. Kelly doesn’t think Annaliese is “high-end.” You wouldn’t say that if you’d seen her tooch.

Seymone gets high marks from everyone. Trya calls her “fiercely real” again. Ladies and gentlemen, the Condescension Fairy has landed. Don’t forget to bring home some transparently insulting descriptors for the kids!

Eight Girls! Seven Photos!

Best Picture: Sophie

Runner up: Seymone

It’s down to Kyle and Alisha! Kyle is pretty, but not great at modeling! And is a little boring! And possibly does not have a soul! Tyra says modeling is about having “diversity,” but keeping your brand. Ugh. They love Alisha! But her pictures don’t measure up! Maybe she should – Gasp! – be in commercials but not model!

This week’s obsolete model:

Kyle. We get a shot of Laura regaining her faith in a just and comprehensible universe. Tyra says she was once a girl-next-door type just like Kyle. What?

As we hear her farewell and watch her final montage, Kyle is proud of herself and, let’s be honest, still pretty boring.

Next week: OH, MY GOD, THEY’RE MAKING THE MODELS WEAR GIANT HELLO KITTY GEAR. Top Model, all is forgiven.

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