“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.7): Kyle Butts In

Time to see the videos on the product placement phone! Which we hook up to the TV! We couldn’t have burned a DVD and given the Brits product placement phone calls? No? Fine. Annaliese gets a nice message from her roommate, who says it’s too quiet with Annaliese gone. Ha. Catherine’s parents bring the family dog into frame with them and are appealing, in that sort of businesslike, not-too-many emotions British tradition of family relationships, but then Catherine’s mom makes the dog wave and suddenly they can’t help it and burst into sweetness.

Be sure to throw around some cotton batting and reinforce yourself with duct tape before Alisha’s mom, dad, and adorable little brother come on: You’re in danger of exploding from the cute.

After all that, Sophie is stoked to see her boyfriend. He’s an ordinary cute dude in his 20’s and is not interested in being schmoopy to her on video and kind of does a little video diary instead. Sophie is (cheerfully) pissed at his lack of gravitas. She calls it bollocks.

Tyra Mail!

      you will be the
                      of attention.”


One of the girls theorizes that they are going to be statues. Because of all the goodwill that has been flying around, I am not going to scroll back and see who that is.

Yikes. Kyle really does not like other human beings. We see shots of the models enjoying themselves around the house while Kyle monologues that she’s tense enough and really doesn’t want to deal with the girls or get to know them or recognize them as fellow carbon-based life forms. Kyle says that part of her strategy is not to let the other girls “see the emotions [she’s] having.” Well. Full points there, Kyle. She says she’s going to nail this photo shoot.

A Great Big Mansion!
Mr. Jay arrives and informs us that we are not done with booty tooching. Criminy. It’s like a slasher movie, only instead of a villain who keeps getting up, it’s a butt that won’t stop sticking out. Remember: children under 17 cannot see The Tooching without a parent.

Jay says we’ll be taking the booty tooch to the “high-fashion extreme,” and then without any warning at all, we flash back to Tyra’s profound lesson from last week. Eek! Don’t go into the dance studio alone!

The models are going to be “art installations” at a crazy-opulent dinner party with some “extreme tooching” and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL YOU ANTM MONSTERS PLEASE ADOPT SOME SORT OF STYLE GUIDE FOR USAGE OF THE WORD “TOOCH!”

I will accept it as a verb meaning “to stick one’s butt out,” and I will accept it as a noun meaning “the resulting pose when one has successfully stuck one’s butt out.” But I categorically refuse to also accept “tooch” as a synonym for butt. Make up your minds, Model People, here and now: It is either your butt or it is what you have just achieved with your butt. It cannot be both. That is a bridge tooch far. For crying out loud, you’re starting to throw that asinine word around like “smurf.” I’m not asking for sanity here, just a little order.

Hair! Makeup!
Jay says he wants to see Alisha’s legs in this one, even though the judges have said not to overdo the legs before. Do they talk with Jay ever? Alisha says she thinks the UK girls can get this one.

Estelle is here! Sophie says that Estelle really unusual because she’s one of the few British singers who has managed to make it in the States. Um.

Estelle tells the models to just be themselves in front of the camera, but to also give it that little something extra. Someone’s been getting tips on how to give useful advice from Mr. Jay.

So there’s a big dinner table set up, and each model is supposed to perform/be art/tooch for the dinner party, and Estelle and the other models are the dinner guests she’s trying to impress. What’s with all the group photos this season? Harrumph.

Laura is up first, and does angular shapes all over the table and everyone. She looks fine to me like always, but seems to be making the people at the table tense. Ben Shaul, this week’s photographer, says its tough because she’s trying too hard. We see Laura squeeze a tomato to pulp by way of illustration.

Jay says Catherine is lost and claims she just started grabbing props from all over the table. Annaliese seems to grab her hair (and a fish) a lot, but everyone seems to think she did well.

Ben keeps shouting “Decadence! Decadence! Decadence!” to set the mood, which is the most valuable thing I have picked up from this show ever. I can’t wait to bust that out at my next corporate meeting.

Alisha is booty tooching so hard that she says her back and shoulders hurt. Catherine says Alisha struggled. Sophie and Eboni need to take a break from the tension of Alisha’s shoot and say she isn’t being extreme enough and is playing it too safe. Sophie is worried for the Brits.

Sophie is up next, and Ben comes up with more wonderful things to shout: “Be extravagant! Be eccentric! Watch out for that meringue pie, it’s real!” Sophie does all of those things and rocks it.

Jay tells Eboni not to look so young, which is the second time this show we’ve seen him directly contradicting the judging panel when giving advice. Is he that far out of the loop, or is he secretly a chaos monster? Eboni poses all crazy.

Seymone looks fierce during her shoot, then breaks things up by hitting Annaliese right in the kisser with a pie. Annaliese is a really good sport about it, but notes that Seymone owes her if she makes best picture from that.

(Pro tip for getting clobbered in the face with a pie: Your body will want to breathe in with the surprise. Don’t do it!)

Kyle complains about having no butt to tooch and gets a fake one from Wardrobe.

Which means that Wardrobe had those on hand, just in case someone wanted an extra butt.

I would never, ever be able to stop asking Wardrobe for things if I saw that happen. “I need elf ears! A pirate hook! A drinking skull! Both kinds of drinking skull!” You know they have them.

Maybe they nice people in Wardrobe have been waiting to be asked for an evil second head for their entire careers. How can you disappoint them by failing to ask for it?

Laura is pissed about FakebuttGate and the girls at the dinner table look desperately bored with Kyle. What on earth did she do to that editor? Maybe just sixteen hours a day of being conscious and being Kyle was enough.

Estelle limply tosses some bread to enhance a shot. Decadence! Decadence! Decadence! Sophie notes that Kyle had an advantage, because she didn’t have to tooch, which apparently hurts your back if you’re doing it right, because Kyle had a fake butt doing the heavy tooching for her. It’s just like a steroids scandal, only even stupider!

Yes, that’s Kyle with a beef snake on her shoulder. Please, please do not ask Lead-Fists Jane about it.

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