“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.6): Dignity 1, Tyra 1, Fans 0 

 
 

Jay says Kyle struggled with the choreography and her “sense of belonging” and I can’t hear him because I just saw AzMarie’s costume. She’s wearing a black and white dinner jacket and a thick haze of awesome. 

Kyle is worried that she sucked hard enough to make the group lose, and AzMarie goes to her says the group looked good overall and Kyle shouldn’t worry because “we lifted you up.” Very comforting. 

Jay says AzMarie is talented, but her ego is out of control. Which it is clearly not on this shoot, so I’m guessing a little bird wearing leg warmers on it’s wings just might have tipped him off to be pissy in that regard. The Stoolie Tooch. 

Jay says this, verbatim: “In the world of fashion, your attitude will spread like a brushfire. And then no one will touch you, no matter how great you are.” 

Yes, that’s what I hear about supermodels all the time: It’s only the ones who are charming and easy to work with who make it to the top. 

Here’s the thing: Doesn’t Tyra really aim this show at teenage girls? Is the lesson that “any authority figure should tell you how to modify your body, and you should just go along with it” really one she wants to teach? Ow! You guys, I wasn’t even talking to Lisa! 

Kyle continues to suck, and Jay helpfully does that thing where he tells someone who is choking that they’re going to ruin everything and makes them choke more. Laura would like Kyle to go home, thanks, so suck away! Jay says Laura is stealing scenes.  

Tyra Mail! 

Only one will continue on! AzMarie looking skeptically at the screen. I think she was maybe hoping for a photo shoot she could rock to make up some ground. Kyle is scared, and rightly so. 

The Brits think they’re all going to stay, and Annaliese says they’re going to be pissed if they don’t win. As they should be. Even the quick shots of the American video reveal that it’s going to suck pretty hard. 

Judging Panel! 

We see the videos! “Stop, Drop, and Tooch” is really bad, and they’re trying to hide the fact that Kyle is bad, so they end up with some seizure-inducing lighting. Everyone claps like that wasn’t embarrassing.

Nigel likes Seymone and Tyra says she’s not cartoony enough, because of course she does. Laura’s kind of fun and great, but Nigel tells her not to be too crazy and forget the pretty. Speak for yourself, Nigel. 

Nigel sees a lack of commitment with AzMarie, which, yeah. Kelly Cutrone says her vocals are weird, which is also entirely correct. AzMarie apologizes for the tooch teach. Tyra will never forgive her ever. 

There are mixed reaction to Eboni. Kelly Cutrone says she wished Eboni had grabbed her ponytails and robot-danced more, which is an incredibly bizarre and specific note. But that’s the kind of wisdom you can dispense when you’re a legendary PR maven. 

Kyle was meh. We know this. 

Time for the Brits! OK, yes, the Brits were better in many, many ways, but this isn’t entirely fair. Their song is way better. The American song is a lasagna where the layers are mediocre and awful. 

Which is not to say that there is no awful involved in the Brits’ song. Exhibit A, this lyric: “We tooch high, we tooch low/your Yankee tooch is too slow.” 

Yes, they’ve all been singing about sticking your butt out the entire time. SPOILER: That’s also the surprise ending to Citizen Kane

The judges love Catherine and her smizing and tooching. Sophie is a bombshell. Tyra says she can’t dance but looks great. Alisha looks fantastic and really pops on camera. They love Anneliese, but being good on television cannot help her: They’re going to knock her out because she’s a TV presenter to them, and no amount of sucking up will help her. 

Judges! 

Kelly Cutrone defends Kyle. We get an odd cut of opinions about Seymone. Everyone dogpiles on AzMarie, not because she stopped being amazing for 30 seconds, but because she refused to put on an artificial butt and everyone got all uncomfortable because they began to suspect that maybe artificial butts are, in fact, really stupid. And maybe that means the show is stupid… PULL BACK, PULL BACK, CALL AZMARIE A JERK AGAIN! 

Kelly Cutrone is still looking for a catchphrase and still thinks it’s witty to say other people’s rhymes on camera: “She’s a boaster a coaster and I think it’s time to toast her.” 

I feel sad, because I’m pretty sure Kelly spent some time working that out on index cards before the show. “Ghost her? Host her? Post her? DAMMIT!” 

Everybody loves all of the brits, but Kelly is sure to stick the TV presenter knife in Annaliese’s back. Careful, judges. Don’t kill off the self-serving interstitial goose too soon. 

The Brits Win! 

Best Photo: Alisha! 

Runner up: Sophie! 

It comes down to the two we’ve known for about 45 minutes: Kyle and AzMarie 

Tyra admits that AzMarie is really good at modeling and everything about modeling that they had to do. But she wouldn’t humiliate herself on national television. Kyle has been sucking so hard that the Dyson company keeps sending her e-mails asking if she’ll just drop by the research and development department for a few days, but did I mention that AzMarie refused to humiliate herself on national television? 

This week’s obsolete model 

AzMarie 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Aw, f–kpudding. Well, sure, what better way to legitimize a competition than to kick off its acknowledged best competitor. 

Good luck, AzMarie. You did Team LezBiModel proud. Remember: Anyone can win by a nose. You can stand tall and say you lost by a butt.

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